Energy Drinks Thread

Hey squad! What's a wondrous chimera of non-traditionally-chimeric parts to do when they hit up a midnight screening of star wars, woke up at Reasonable O'Clock in the morning to go get a haircut, then wants to either embrace death or get a big ol chunk of their Teacher's College application done that afternoon?



Cutting my teeth on this pillar of folly is what!!!!

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS

(where we rank these rank dranks from 1 to 10, 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE™)

I don't know what the actual title of this energy drink is at this point so take the following phrases and put them in whatever order sounds nice:

DOUBLE HIT

GUARANA ENERGY DRINK

V®

LIMITED EDITION FLAVOR

Containing a respectable 76% of my daily sugar intake in a sturdy half-liter can, tastes like sucking on a pencil in deep contemplation except the pencil was for some godforsaken reason designed to taste good. While still tasting like pencil. It's not even as much of a taste sensation compared to other V flavors like The Blue One and The Black One, which have a miasma-like air of mystery in their aromas and aftertaste, and by mystery I mean depressing noir film where you know from the start the good guys all come out dead or worse and justice is most certainly not served. My mouth is a grim port, flush with dirty deals and the proverbial red carpet to the town crime rolling into the metropolis of my meat chassis. It's the city that doesn't sleep enough.

Actually I think there's a hint of passionfruit in there. Or feijoa, if feijoa didn't have a smell (which totally negates the point of feijoa).

It's gotten me through re-entry into no less than four different websites I haven't signed into in several years in the quest to get all my deets lined up for enrollment. I no longer fear making phone calls, or heed the insistent voice of self-doubt who reckons my credentials will be found lacking and why am I bothering with all this anyway. That voice is taking a nice nap at the bottom of a guarana-laced river. The city keeps turning and my eyes keep rolling at this metaphor I'm dragging out in lieu of answering the essay prompt "Why do you want to be a teacher and what makes you a successful candidate?"

This can is a candy-date. With myself from a darker time, sickly-sticky rivulets of hair running down her sides and my tongue and hidden modestly elsewhen in a comicbook-panelled shell.


Much like all these action lines, I have no idea where this narrative is going

I'm going to leave the rating for this drink Unresolved for the time being; I'll judge it based on how many of the 1600 words I've gotta knock out by tomorrow for assorted essay questions look like complete crap garbage ten minutes after I've submitted them.

Final rating: ?/1600