The Problems Thread

So, since posting this, I've seen that I was wrong about the flipping tables thread.

This is a good thing.

A rule thumb, I'm starting to figure out, is that if you want to say something nice or helpful, you don't need worry too much about where you put it.

That being said, I want to share something that, for the last couple of years, has been really helpful for me when I've found myself dealing with conflicts, personal issues, or just general unhappiness.

I'm going to use generalizations - not because they are scientifically true for all people (that would be a laugh), but because I know that my brain is wired to work with generalizations. When I am not feeling 100%, it helps if I can skip past all the "maybes" and "sometimes" and jump straight into what I know helps me.

Really, these are just tools you can use. If you think they might be helpful, then pick them up and use them, but if these tools don't work for you, feel free to set them down and try something else.

Also - and this is the important part - if one of you has some similar tools or principles that have helped you out, it would be great to see them shared here.

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So one set of tools I use for answering "Why do I feel sucky about this?" comes from an idea called the "7 desires of the heart". These desires are fairly universal, and although some are more important than others for different people, it's often better to describe them as needs.

When I find myself feeling "blugh". ("blugh" could be depressed, irritable, ashamed, all sorts of things) this is when I scroll through this checklist and try to figure out just what I feel like I am lacking.

So here is the list:

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seven desires of the heart

To be heard and understood

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This is one that comes up ALOT. Especially in your social circles.

As a teacher, my pet peeve is simply when student's don't listen. I start to think "Why am I wasting my time going over this?". As a younger teacher, I would start to yell, get angry, and eventually just stop trying when I felt like students wouldn't bother to hear or think about what I would say.

It happens in every circle. People hate being ignored. It's why the "silent treatment" is such a prevalent passive-aggressive punishment. Often, I will run into students who won't even bother speaking up because they have just assumed that nobody will listen to them.

It's painful to feel like nobody cares what you have to say.


The other side of this is the "understood" part. When we share a story or express our feelings to someone, we are doing so with the expectation that, on some level, they will relate to us. If someone sits patiently and hears you out, but then jumps back with a comment or retort that tells you that they have no idea where you're coming from - a sense of loneliness can start to creep up on you.

The same things can happen. You'll get angry, or frustrated, you'll repeat what you tried to say but LOUDER this time. Not because you think you were too quiet, but because you don't feel heard, your brain treats the emotional distance like a physical one. It's trying to help, I suppose. Again, if you still don't think someone understands you, the next step is to simply give up.

This is particularly bad when it comes from someone you're close to, or someone you're dependent on. Really, for all the desires mentioned here, they're magnified 100-fold when dealing with parents, close friends, or significant others. If we can't fulfill these needs there, where can we turn to next?

To be affirmed

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Simply put, affirmation is our need to have others tell us we've done a good job.

At a place like this one, where people are constantly putting out creative works or new ideas, being able to affirm one another is very important.

A book I've been reading (perhaps I will share it later) puts it this way:

Growing up many of us didn't get affirmed very much, if at all. Worse, some of us got criticized instead. When either of these situations is true, we will be starved for affirmation. We might do anything to get it, often working ourselves to death or conforming our behavior to what we think others will like.

That latter part is one that I've struggled with a lot. I've frequently, and unhealthily taken in the criticism I've gotten from others and thought "I have to change this fundamental thing about myself." without really thinking about how valid or important the criticism was.

This manifests itself another way. Often, when faced with silence, either on a project or in a relationship, I will begin to panic. My fear becomes "what are all the negative things people are thinking about me?" What do I need to change? How can I change it?

It can become an obsession.


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I think this is a good space to clarify something about needs.

There are always two directions to approach a need. There is the ability of others to fulfill it, and there is your ability to accept it. A very important piece of advice: You cannot change the former, but you can work on the latter.

For each of these, the experiences we have in life make a profound impact on our ability to accept the needs offered by others. This doesn't mean that we desire the need any less, oddly enough, the times where I have had the most difficulty accepting things like affirmation or touch, are the times where I desperately wanted it the most.

Insecurity is a very common, very unhelpful word here. I think that "trust" is much more appropriate. We don't trust others to fulfill our needs, or we don't trust ourselves to be worthy of it.

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Now, for myself, it is much easier. There are many reasons for this change, and perhaps I will share some more later, but essentially I find it much easier to post a project, or idea, or comment without worrying about if I'll be faced with rejection. I believe the things I make are good, not because of the thoughts of others, but simply because I made them. Affirmation is still a need - I will regularly ask for opinions or critiques on things I have done, but I am much more capable of accepting what is given and, hopefully, returning it in kind.

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As a side note: I had this conversation with my wife a couple of days ago:

btp: DOES THE DISHES AND MAKES DINNER LIKE A BOSS
btp wife: "Thank you so much, you're amazing."
btp: "Aw, that's all I needed to hear."
[pause]
btp: "okay seriously though I am going to need like a TON more affirmation throughout this relationship, like DECADES of this stuff."

To be blessed

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The word "blessed" might carry some odd connotations for people either not raised in a religious background, or raised in a very negative one.

I think a more universal term, would be "accepted", but I like "blessed" because of the unconditional nature I feel it entails.

While affirmation is about behavior, being blessed is just about who you are. You're blessed when you hear that you're a "good person", that you're kind or have become a great individual. You don't have to "do" anything to get a blessing, you just have to be you.

It's when we aren't blessed, that we start to feel shame about ourselves. It becomes the source of the worst possible lie we can tell:

"If people really knew me, they could never love me."

This lie is so powerful and prevalent that it affects people at all ages, times, and places. It causes us to hide and be ashamed. It makes us suspicious of complements, and makes us afraid of sharing the wounds we carry.

Often people try to supplement affirmation for blessings. We'll work towards a contradiction. We'll try to DO things to get people to tell us that we're worthwhile people regardless of what we do. That approach then devalues the blessing someone gives us. "People wouldn't like me if I didn't do X." or "I have to accomplish Y to have any value."

If you're reading this, pause for a moment, and take the time to let somebody know that you think they're swell. Go out and bless someone in whatever way is comfortable for you. If it helps, pretend you've been tricked, and click here Infared's thread is a great starting point.

To be safe

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Safety, in this context, is freedom from anxiety. You could also call it "security", but again, I like safety because it has a more personal tone to it.

Anxiety is a huge deal, in multiple ways.

I think of anxiety as "generalized fear". If you fear something, it's specific, its a threat, it has a name. Anxiety, though, doesn't need to have a name and can appear in many different forms. Often, if we find ourselves worrying or fearful about a bunch of small things, it's because they're just tiny shoots of a larger, more general anxiety hiding beneath the surface.

This is a huge topic all on it's own, but I can list some ways that I try to find safety in my life.

1) Accept that anxieties will happen, in yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong when they coming up.
* Anxiety is a way to avoid danger. Originally, that danger was something like a sudden lion attack, eating away at your face, or being kicked out of your tribe, which would result in certain death in the wild. It's a natural occurrence, and in the right context it can drive us to seek places of security.

2) When anxieties do occur, be understanding.
* I am not myself when I feel overly anxious. I am literally less able to think rationally and clearly, and this is true for everyone. The neurotransmitter that the brain inhibits while feeling anxious is the same neurotransmitter that is critical to logical, reasoned thought. This means I can expect myself, and others to be short-term-irrational when these anxieties fire off. This is also why almost all of the tips for managing anxieties involve techniques that will help your body process the chemicals and reestablish the normal equilibrium present in your brain.

3) Deliberately affirm areas in your life where you don't feel secure.
* Because anxieties are so general, they will often overlap areas where you actually do have a lot of safety. For example, I have a decent amount of social anxiety in unfamiliar situations - but if I can take time to affirm the secure relationships I have, then that feeling of safety will cross over into areas where I would otherwise feel alone or ostracized.

4) Confront your anxieties in safe places with people you trust.
* This is the direct application of #3. When you're at a safe place, a place where you can think through things rationally, you can take the time to tackle some of the underlying fears you have. This might take the form of a meeting with a trusted counselor, where you talk about and reflect on issues you wouldn't otherwise. It could also take the form of a planned out experience, like walking over a tall but stable bridge, or going into a bookstore and deliberately striking up a conversation with 3 strangers. Whatever the case, the point is that you are gaining an experience to help teach your brain that "This is not a dangerous situation." "I am not going to be eaten by a lion if I do this."

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Anxiety can take lots of forms - and it will crop up anytime we feel that these needs are threatened.

Just like the rest of these needs. You can't make them by yourself. You can't become "safe" alone. You will, for all of these, need to rely on others.

And that can be the scariest part.

To be touched

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This one I find the most interesting. I tend to think of people, especially myself, as mental automata. If I keep my cells alive, and then think the right thoughts, everything should be good.

The need to be touched flies right in the face of that.

The way that other people touch or do not touch us fundamentally affects our perceptions of ourselves. We, as human beings, innately need physical affirmation from fellow people.

Affectionate touch is immensely important for healthy development in infants. Why should we expect it to no longer be so for adults?

To be clear, Affectionate touch has nothing to do with sexual touch. Just as affection can be present or absent from sex, it can be present or absent from touch as well.

Studying the need to be touched reveals a blend of behavior and biochemistry. Hormone levels change, feelings of acceptance and self-worth develop, and people are more likely to seek out contact with others.

Of course this is also a need that many people feel very uncomfortable with. There are a lot of social warning signals that fire off if a hand shake doesn't end right or if a hug lasts too long. People hate inviting affectionate touch when they don't trust the person delivering it. I think our unease with affection directly relates to its importance in our sense of well-being. Just as we view a kind word from a stranger with skepticism, we experience the same incredulity when offered that touch.

But if this is something we need, and we reject it from most people, who can we get it from?

This is a reoccurring theme will each of these needs. For most of them, the person who ideally fulfills them is our caretaker. So much about ourselves is decided by our relationships with our caretakers. Being rejected by a parent, or loved one hurts so much more and so much deeper than when it comes from anyone else. It shapes our securities and directs our attitudes for all future interactions. The point to take away here, however, isn't that our caretakers are at fault - they were sculpted in the same way. The point is that these unfulfilled needs and the flaws that come with them are a universal and natural part of being human.

The question is how do we work with what we have?

To be chosen

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Everyone wants to be wanted.

If I'm running a class, and I start a game where students pick teams. I try to forecast who the last to be picked are and make them the team captains. It's crazy to see how differently someone acts when you tell them "I want you to be in charge of this." Even if the the assignment is a literal chore kids will want to care of it because you picked them to do it. Those kids who normally are picked last are often the ones dragging their feet, but choose them first and they are fully engaged and trying to get everyone else on board.

Being chosen plays a huge role in romantic relationships. A person wants to be picked out by another. To know that they have been selected for a special, unique connection. It's why people enjoy the grandiose gestures or the daily reminders of affection - its a traditional way of letting someone know that you have, and continue to pick them first. Of course traditional is a very small subset of all people, and certainly not the generalization I want to make here, but I do want to invoke the image of being chosen, intimately selected by another person. It feels good. It validates and brings with it the promise of other needs being fulfilled.

(Imagine the twisted nature of the relationship where someone is chosen by another, but is never affirmed, never listened to, never touched, never blessed. It's abusive, and yet, people find themselves locked in relationships just like that. It shows the power of being chosen, and the fear of rejection.)

I'm really proud to get to join in a community where outright rejection is not an issue. People can and should feel like they are wanted by the people here, not because they've done anything special, but simply because they are who they are.

Which leads into the last need.

To be included

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Being included is a lot like being chosen, but where being chosen is about an individual pulling you out from the crowd, being included is about a crowd bringing you in.

We like to be a part of something larger than ourselves. Look at the proliferation of "fandoms" throughout the internet. People can connect with others with similar interest, they can immediately know they belong because they enjoy the same things. This is also something people are particular about. You may enjoy the Avengers movies just as much as the next person, but you don't want to say you're a part of the "Fandom" because that's not the group you want to be included in.

Humans do very poorly in isolation. There's a reason loneliness is a real issue we have to deal with.

I've often found myself sitting at home, too tired to go anywhere and yet, I'm discontent. I will feel like I'm lacking something but I don't know what it is. Then the realization dawns on me..."I'm feeling lonely."

Some days I will take that feeling and think "okay yeah, but I'll just have to deal with it for now." Others I'll decide, "Okay good now that I know, I'm calling up some friends and we are having a game night." We play games, joke about whatever comes up and when everyone goes home I'll sit and think...wow...I don't feel lousy anymore. Nothing's changed, I didn't make any emotional breakthroughs, I certainly didn't accomplish anything, but I feel better.

(There is a reason the Sims have a social meter. It's not just so you have to juggle one more need to keep them from freaking out in the basement.)

Honestly the community here has been incredibly helpful in relieving feelings of loneliness, though I do find face-to-face socializing more reviving at times, but I suspect that is mostly me.

Regardless, I'm glad to be back in the mix.

If you’ve managed to plow through these 3000+ words of rambling thoughts and advice, first off- Thank you! I've been wanting to share these thoughts for awhile. I know it isn't an easy read, partly because the topic is so broad but also because I tend to skip over things when writing - It's not the most helpful combination.

Secondly, tell me how I’m wrong, or if something that you read struck a chord with you, good or bad, share it with me! Just snip out the quote or part you liked or hated and we’ll talk about it. Or Don’t! It’s up to you!

While hashing through this, I’ve noticed a lot of things and underlying themes that I hadn’t before. It's clear these 7 groups have lots of overlap, but like I’ve said, they're just tools. They may be helpful ways to think about things, or not. But I do hope that somehow, this can help bring a little bit of clarity to all our crazy feels.