SpoilerThis is one that comes up ALOT. Especially in your social circles.

As a teacher, my pet peeve is simply when student's don't listen. I start to think "Why am I wasting my time going over this?". As a younger teacher, I would start to yell, get angry, and eventually just stop trying when I felt like students wouldn't bother to hear or think about what I would say.

It happens in every circle. People hate being ignored. It's why the "silent treatment" is such a prevalent passive-aggressive punishment. Often, I will run into students who won't even bother speaking up because they have just assumed that nobody will listen to them.

It's painful to feel like nobody cares what you have to say.


The other side of this is the "understood" part. When we share a story or express our feelings to someone, we are doing so with the expectation that, on some level, they will relate to us. If someone sits patiently and hears you out, but then jumps back with a comment or retort that tells you that they have no idea where you're coming from - a sense of loneliness can start to creep up on you.

The same things can happen. You'll get angry, or frustrated, you'll repeat what you tried to say but LOUDER this time. Not because you think you were too quiet, but because you don't feel heard, your brain treats the emotional distance like a physical one. It's trying to help, I suppose. Again, if you still don't think someone understands you, the next step is to simply give up.

This is particularly bad when it comes from someone you're close to, or someone you're dependent on. Really, for all the desires mentioned here, they're magnified 100-fold when dealing with parents, close friends, or significant others. If we can't fulfill these needs there, where can we turn to next?

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Simply put, affirmation is our need to have others tell us we've done a good job.

At a place like this one, where people are constantly putting out creative works or new ideas, being able to affirm one another is very important.

A book I've been reading (perhaps I will share it later) puts it this way:

Quote:Growing up many of us didn't get affirmed very much, if at all. Worse, some of us got criticized instead. When either of these situations is true, we will be starved for affirmation. We might do anything to get it, often working ourselves to death or conforming our behavior to what we think others will like.

That latter part is one that I've struggled with a lot. I've frequently, and unhealthily taken in the criticism I've gotten from others and thought "I have to change this fundamental thing about myself." without really thinking about how valid or important the criticism was.

This manifests itself another way. Often, when faced with silence, either on a project or in a relationship, I will begin to panic. My fear becomes "what are all the negative things people are thinking about me?" What do I need to change? How can I change it?

It can become an obsession.


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I think this is a good space to clarify something about needs.

There are always two directions to approach a need. There is the ability of others to fulfill it, and there is your ability to accept it. A very important piece of advice: You cannot change the former, but you can work on the latter.

For each of these, the experiences we have in life make a profound impact on our ability to accept the needs offered by others. This doesn't mean that we desire the need any less, oddly enough, the times where I have had the most difficulty accepting things like affirmation or touch, are the times where I desperately wanted it the most.

Insecurity is a very common, very unhelpful word here. I think that "trust" is much more appropriate. We don't trust others to fulfill our needs, or we don't trust ourselves to be worthy of it.

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Now, for myself, it is much easier. There are many reasons for this change, and perhaps I will share some more later, but essentially I find it much easier to post a project, or idea, or comment without worrying about if I'll be faced with rejection. I believe the things I make are good, not because of the thoughts of others, but simply because I made them. Affirmation is still a need - I will regularly ask for opinions or critiques on things I have done, but I am much more capable of accepting what is given and, hopefully, returning it in kind.

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The word "blessed" might carry some odd connotations for people either not raised in a religious background, or raised in a very negative one.

I think a more universal term, would be "accepted", but I like "blessed" because of the unconditional nature I feel it entails.

While affirmation is about behavior, being blessed is just about who you are. You're blessed when you hear that you're a "good person", that you're kind or have become a great individual. You don't have to "do" anything to get a blessing, you just have to be you.

It's when we aren't blessed, that we start to feel shame about ourselves. It becomes the source of the worst possible lie we can tell:

"If people really knew me, they could never love me."

This lie is so powerful and prevalent that it affects people at all ages, times, and places. It causes us to hide and be ashamed. It makes us suspicious of complements, and makes us afraid of sharing the wounds we carry.

Often people try to supplement affirmation for blessings. We'll work towards a contradiction. We'll try to DO things to get people to tell us that we're worthwhile people regardless of what we do. That approach then devalues the blessing someone gives us. "People wouldn't like me if I didn't do X." or "I have to accomplish Y to have any value."

If you're reading this, pause for a moment, and take the time to let somebody know that you think they're swell. Go out and bless someone in whatever way is comfortable for you. If it helps, pretend you've been tricked, and click here Infared's thread is a great starting point.

SpoilerSafety, in this context, is freedom from anxiety. You could also call it "security", but again, I like safety because it has a more personal tone to it.

Anxiety is a huge deal, in multiple ways.

I think of anxiety as "generalized fear". If you fear something, it's specific, its a threat, it has a name. Anxiety, though, doesn't need to have a name and can appear in many different forms. Often, if we find ourselves worrying or fearful about a bunch of small things, it's because they're just tiny shoots of a larger, more general anxiety hiding beneath the surface.

This is a huge topic all on it's own, but I can list some ways that I try to find safety in my life.

1) Accept that anxieties will happen, in yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong when they coming up.
* Anxiety is a way to avoid danger. Originally, that danger was something like a sudden lion attack, eating away at your face, or being kicked out of your tribe, which would result in certain death in the wild. It's a natural occurrence, and in the right context it can drive us to seek places of security.

2) When anxieties do occur, be understanding.
* I am not myself when I feel overly anxious. I am literally less able to think rationally and clearly, and this is true for everyone. The neurotransmitter that the brain inhibits while feeling anxious is the same neurotransmitter that is critical to logical, reasoned thought. This means I can expect myself, and others to be short-term-irrational when these anxieties fire off. This is also why almost all of the tips for managing anxieties involve techniques that will help your body process the chemicals and reestablish the normal equilibrium present in your brain.

3) Deliberately affirm areas in your life where you don't feel secure.
* Because anxieties are so general, they will often overlap areas where you actually do have a lot of safety. For example, I have a decent amount of social anxiety in unfamiliar situations - but if I can take time to affirm the secure relationships I have, then that feeling of safety will cross over into areas where I would otherwise feel alone or ostracized.

4) Confront your anxieties in safe places with people you trust.
* This is the direct application of #3. When you're at a safe place, a place where you can think through things rationally, you can take the time to tackle some of the underlying fears you have. This might take the form of a meeting with a trusted counselor, where you talk about and reflect on issues you wouldn't otherwise. It could also take the form of a planned out experience, like walking over a tall but stable bridge, or going into a bookstore and deliberately striking up a conversation with 3 strangers. Whatever the case, the point is that you are gaining an experience to help teach your brain that "This is not a dangerous situation." "I am not going to be eaten by a lion if I do this."

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Anxiety can take lots of forms - and it will crop up anytime we feel that these needs are threatened.

Just like the rest of these needs. You can't make them by yourself. You can't become "safe" alone. You will, for all of these, need to rely on others.

And that can be the scariest part.

SpoilerThis one I find the most interesting. I tend to think of people, especially myself, as mental automata. If I keep my cells alive, and then think the right thoughts, everything should be good.

The need to be touched flies right in the face of that.

The way that other people touch or do not touch us fundamentally affects our perceptions of ourselves. We, as human beings, innately need physical affirmation from fellow people.

Affectionate touch is immensely important for healthy development in infants. Why should we expect it to no longer be so for adults?

To be clear, Affectionate touch has nothing to do with sexual touch. Just as affection can be present or absent from sex, it can be present or absent from touch as well.

Studying the need to be touched reveals a blend of behavior and biochemistry. Hormone levels change, feelings of acceptance and self-worth develop, and people are more likely to seek out contact with others.

Of course this is also a need that many people feel very uncomfortable with. There are a lot of social warning signals that fire off if a hand shake doesn't end right or if a hug lasts too long. People hate inviting affectionate touch when they don't trust the person delivering it. I think our unease with affection directly relates to its importance in our sense of well-being. Just as we view a kind word from a stranger with skepticism, we experience the same incredulity when offered that touch.

But if this is something we need, and we reject it from most people, who can we get it from?

This is a reoccurring theme will each of these needs. For most of them, the person who ideally fulfills them is our caretaker. So much about ourselves is decided by our relationships with our caretakers. Being rejected by a parent, or loved one hurts so much more and so much deeper than when it comes from anyone else. It shapes our securities and directs our attitudes for all future interactions. The point to take away here, however, isn't that our caretakers are at fault - they were sculpted in the same way. The point is that these unfulfilled needs and the flaws that come with them are a universal and natural part of being human.

The question is how do we work with what we have?

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Everyone wants to be wanted.

If I'm running a class, and I start a game where students pick teams. I try to forecast who the last to be picked are and make them the team captains. It's crazy to see how differently someone acts when you tell them "I want you to be in charge of this." Even if the the assignment is a literal chore kids will want to care of it because you picked them to do it. Those kids who normally are picked last are often the ones dragging their feet, but choose them first and they are fully engaged and trying to get everyone else on board.

Being chosen plays a huge role in romantic relationships. A person wants to be picked out by another. To know that they have been selected for a special, unique connection. It's why people enjoy the grandiose gestures or the daily reminders of affection - its a traditional way of letting someone know that you have, and continue to pick them first. Of course traditional is a very small subset of all people, and certainly not the generalization I want to make here, but I do want to invoke the image of being chosen, intimately selected by another person. It feels good. It validates and brings with it the promise of other needs being fulfilled.

(Imagine the twisted nature of the relationship where someone is chosen by another, but is never affirmed, never listened to, never touched, never blessed. It's abusive, and yet, people find themselves locked in relationships just like that. It shows the power of being chosen, and the fear of rejection.)

I'm really proud to get to join in a community where outright rejection is not an issue. People can and should feel like they are wanted by the people here, not because they've done anything special, but simply because they are who they are.

Which leads into the last need.

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Being included is a lot like being chosen, but where being chosen is about an individual pulling you out from the crowd, being included is about a crowd bringing you in.

We like to be a part of something larger than ourselves. Look at the proliferation of "fandoms" throughout the internet. People can connect with others with similar interest, they can immediately know they belong because they enjoy the same things. This is also something people are particular about. You may enjoy the Avengers movies just as much as the next person, but you don't want to say you're a part of the "Fandom" because that's not the group you want to be included in.

Humans do very poorly in isolation. There's a reason loneliness is a real issue we have to deal with.

I've often found myself sitting at home, too tired to go anywhere and yet, I'm discontent. I will feel like I'm lacking something but I don't know what it is. Then the realization dawns on me..."I'm feeling lonely."

Some days I will take that feeling and think "okay yeah, but I'll just have to deal with it for now." Others I'll decide, "Okay good now that I know, I'm calling up some friends and we are having a game night." We play games, joke about whatever comes up and when everyone goes home I'll sit and think...wow...I don't feel lousy anymore. Nothing's changed, I didn't make any emotional breakthroughs, I certainly didn't accomplish anything, but I feel better.

(There is a reason the Sims have a social meter. It's not just so you have to juggle one more need to keep them from freaking out in the basement.)

Honestly the community here has been incredibly helpful in relieving feelings of loneliness, though I do find face-to-face socializing more reviving at times, but I suspect that is mostly me.

Regardless, I'm glad to be back in the mix.

SpoilerYou are in good company here. I'm probably just going to echo some of what Plaid has said - but take her advice to heart - in terms of creative projects, she's done WAY more than me.

A really hard, but also really helpful thing to do is to figure out what your normal is when it comes to certain types of projects. When starting a big project people (myself included) almost always underestimate how much or how quickly it will finish, but if you're able ask yourself, "objectively, how have I done on similar projects like this in the past?" You can often get a more reliable prediction on how a new project will go.

The problem is, a lot of the time, the answer to the "how have I done in the past." is "Poorly."

It's hard to be okay with that, but I encourage you to. If you set unreasonable goals for yourself, then you're almost guaranteed to fail from the start. But if you know what your normal is, and set a goal just slightly above that, the chances of having a victory and getting a little more out of something becomes a lot greater.

The other important part about that reflection is that you'll might notice things that helped you individually. For reals, everyone is different. I recently read through jack_fractals "All Night Laundry" (one of the adventures that recently started posting to the forum). He had a really inspiring post about finally deciding to start a project, and setting up rules for himself like "I'm only working on this thing for this amount of time." and just trying to get something out there even if it wasn't perfect. I really enjoyed reading what he had to say, but I also know that what worked for him would not work for me as well. Or at least it wouldn't produce the same results.

That being said, it never helps to look at what works for other people! (and then shamelessly STEAL what works for you)

As for what has worked for me, I think I'll make a list, because that seems like a sort of list-able thing.

1) Block out chunks of time for long projects
* This has to do with setting goals. A long project is a Long-Term Goal and you have to approach Long-Term Goals differently than short term goals. Typically, something is a Long-Term Goal if you cannot complete it in one sitting. In that case, don't make "I will complete this thing" your goal. Make "I will spend x amount of time working on this" your goal. (Actually that's pretty important so I'll give it it's own spot on the list.)

2) Make your goal to "work on it for X amount of time"
* See the idea is to set attainable goals. Brains love accomplishing goals. Don't believe me? Pick some easy/innane thing like "My goal is to stand up!", then do it! You have a tiny feeling of satisfaction, like you accomplished something, and it's encouraging get back into it again. (This is also a helpful way to get into exercising). So if you make your goal: I'm going to spend x amount of time on something, then even if you don't finish that something you will have still accomplished your goal.

3) Give yourself time to reflect
* This is mission critical for any big project for me. If I want something to succeed I need to periodically check up on it. Just set aside a specific time, and look over, "Did I meet the goals I set? Why or why not? Am I happy with where this is going? How does this fit into the rest of my schedule? What should my next steps be?" Doing this can really help shrink down the hugeness of a large project into a manageable size, and help me deal with problems that have come up along the way.

4) Have a simple checklist of things you do when you pick the project up again.
* So checklists are nice for lots of reasons, but one important one is that they can help you build habits that get you in the right mindset for your project. Like, people often talk about a "bedtime routine", a few things that you do every night to tell yourself, "okay I'm about to go to sleep now." Well, having a "project routine" can be just as helpful. It could be something silly like, "I'll have a glass of water and sit down at this new table and then shut my eyes for 30 seconds.", but more often it will be the natural things you'd do when picking that project up again.

5) Be okay with not finishing it, if you have to.
* This one is a mixed bag, but sometimes I find myself taking on way too much - often due to poor planning, or not realizing how much time I actually have. When that happens, I have to let some things go. It might be a project that I was really excited about in the past, but is now added to the pile of "incompletes". Regardless, if you find that you need to do this, try and take some time to reflect on it. Figure out why this project tapered out, because, chances are, there will be a similar project that excites you in the future, and you can use your challenges with this one to help prepare you for the next.

SpoilerSo I guess I just feel kinda sucky in general. Boy, where to begin?

Mostly I feel trapped by the amount of work I could be doing, but.... I'm not. I'm sitting around and doing what amounts to nothing. I'm starting to sleep a lot. My grades are slipping a little.

I suppose I can pool my work into two categories; stuff I do for school, and stuff I do for my creative outputs, namely, my adventure, and my ask blog. Those are the manifestations of my will to draw and to write right now. And I feel like it's poop. Its been over a year since I started Great Haven and already my art has improved a lot, but I update it so infrequently that it feels like I shouldn't even bother. And should I bother? Damn right I should, because the creative process isn't to let something you've poured hours into just die, you're supposed to, at the very least, see things to completion! I love the world I'm building, and I love the direction that the story is going, and I love drawing and working on it in general, so why is it that I don't want to do the very simple steps it would take to push that endeavor forward?

I guess if I look at it on the base level that btp laid out for us, I don't feel affirmed here, I don't feel chosen here, and I don't feel included here. And there are plenty of reasons for that, I'm sure. I could go the "blame myself" route for an explanation, knowing that I don't post here very much, and naturally, I would have less of a presence here in this community as a result. I hate reading walls of text, so I don't read any of the text adventures or join any of the intimidatingly large Grand Battles; I'll just let those slide past the peripherals of my being, and in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a terrible thing. What about, say, the incredibly long adventures of the people who have made their peg in the community, who have dozens of readers and hundreds of pages? ....Welp, each of those respective things will take days to read, so I guess I'll never get around to it. Oh well. How about... any of the threads in the chat sections, where people literally just sit down and talk about whatever? Ehh, jumping into a conversation as it's progressing is hard, so I'd rather just watch. Nobody will miss me. Wanna hop in the IRC channel? ......Nah. It's either dead quiet, or the current conversation is about nothing that interests me.

So I've run into a problem, then. Something unique to this area of my life, on the internet, and on eagle time. The community that I've idolized over the years and so desperately wanted to reach out to and touch and cling to again, for old time's sake, just like I did back when everybody was doing their thing on the MSPA forums, and I was among them. But how can I expect to get something from a community that I won't even give to? And I feel like that's a selfish, skin-deep desire to have, to want to have people AT THE VERY LEAST read what I create, and talk about it, and make it a part of their lives just as I've made it mine. But that's what everybody wants, isn't it? It sucks. I want that more than anything, and I can't even fulfill that same need for someone else. I'd rather just give up for today and go back to sleep.