Energy Drinks Thread

But Jesus answered by saying to them, "You don't know what you are asking! Are you able to drink from the bitter cup of suffering I am about to drink?" "Oh yes," they replied, "we are able!"

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS
REVENGE OF THE REGRETFUL GUEST

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE

In today's metaphor for baptism, I bring you the trans-Atlantic trans-continental experience that is:

~V8 +ENERGY~

Lovingly hocked across the Atlantic Ocean by our good sponsor Sai to taster-in-chief Mirdini and subsequently re-hocked Schazways in a shady hotel in midtown Fukuoka, we received these juice-based energy dranks in two different flavours. Both boast light carbonation and a perplexing proportion of Real Fruit Juice that's a couple percentage points shy of being a nice round fraction. Seriously, why market it as 34% fruit juice when there's a nice easy-to-visualise one third right there????



So wholesome were the assorted virtues extolled on the packaging (1 serving of vegetables+fruit, caffeine sourced from green tea for bonus karma) that we assumed the objectively decent of the two flavours, Blackberry+Cranberry, would actually make for a passable beverage. We were not mistaken - as an energy drink, it was positively palatable, but when one seeks an experience, palatable just doesn't cut it.

Clearly, to seek the DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE, pleasantries would need to be set aside.

~V8 +ENERGY~
ORANGE PINEAPPLE

Let me go on the record and state, as a biologist, that pineapples are creepy stalk-plants blooming direct to you from the DEPTHS OF HELL. Unlike most self-respecting fruits - which ascended to the boughs of trees in an attemption for redemption from their FILTHY COCYTUS-TICKLING ROOTS - the pineapple pops out of the ground like a fucked up shrub and is done with it. Dr. Seuss would be proud of these fuckos.

Pineapple-flesh, however, is a pleasant enough snack when properly consecrated. Left to fester in a can of syrupy godlessness, though, the pineapple flavour mutates into tastebud hellspawn damnation without the redemption of counterpoint tartness.

What I'm getting at is that I hate pineapple flavour. It's a gross treacly lying mockery of all things fruit, and thus perfect for an energy drink.

Packaging: Drinking this out of a well-travelled, battered can that's spent more hours in international transit than my body probably spent processing its contents really added to the shamexperience. It was like I'd been given a dully mundane yet hallowed task - of sending this beverage on its final journey to V8+llhalla - and managed to fuck up what should've been an intuitive ritual.

The carbonation was, like the medicinal-floral overtones, subtle. Enough to leave me rasping a dissatisfied tongue over teeth so I could get a load of that sweet, sweet, mouthwash flavour.

Did I say mouthwash? I meant sucralose. This sugar-substitue is apparently non-caloric, because your body refuses to recognise it as food and lets it pass undigested. Fittingly, it tastes like ass. This twin front of Sweetness Man Was Not Meant To Know slam-dunked my tongue into some kind of antichrist equivalent of a baptismal font. I swear to god I did not intend this many Christianity metaphors in my review when I started out, I don't know what happened

Immediate energy boost was not noticeable, but it kept the afternoon doldrums to a much more lowkey level.

6/10, would just sacrifice a goat next time instead