The Priest is DEAD, GOD ABANDONED HUMANITY YEARS AGO

According to a trustworthy source, my sins are "bad farts, tickling, and cold hands."

I am going to the hell aren't I

Pope John Paul Ringo George XI said nothing about this in the updated Cannon, I'm afraid. But, just to be safe:

Penace: drink a kale smoothie. That will forgive almost any sin.

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You may or may not have heard of a local vender selling magical "amulets", but let me tell you: they have not been given endorsement from the church, and they probably are a fire bender that worships the devil and doesn't give up anything for Lent. They might even eat meat with fish!!!

That last line was a little slanderous. I'm going to go wash my face in my golden sink and pray 12 Our Fathers.