The Priest is DEAD, GOD ABANDONED HUMANITY YEARS AGO

My sin is that I'm too perfect and therefore inspire envy in others.

Don't worry, child. That feeling of pride will disappear in time, as you grow in age, and as such, closer to the lord. When you're a wrinkly lump wasting away, you will not be envied.

Penance: 10 jumping jacks.

I am the master of gluttony. I ate. Everything.

*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*

Can I have seconds?

The lord our god gives only to those whom excuseth themselves. Also, you didn't finish your glass of milk. God wants to see you grow strong bones.

Penance: finish that milk.

As an actual ordained minister, I find this very offensive

God the almighty, creator of heaven and earth, knows your sins, and forgives you for your deceit.

Penance: Holy Orders. You must now actually become a priest.

\my sin is the sin of STEALING. I commat the sin of robbery, against your hairstyle. Tel me what I gotta do to be square even with you so I can get it done with.

Not a sin.

Penance: stay fresh.

My sins are d/dx -cos(x), y"+y=0 y(0)=0 y'(0)=1, (e^iz-e^-iz)/2i and x-x³/3!+x⁵/5!-x⁷/7!+...

That's a lot of sins, but God forgives those who seek forgiveness.

Penance: 103 Hail Mary's.

I secretly hate everyone.

Don't tell anyone priest

It happens. Remember Noah's Arc, where the world was flooded and human life was almost entirely wiped out?

Penance: no meat for the next Friday.

Father forgive me, for I could not think of a confession related joke and instead resorted to cheap meta-humour.

You are no son of mine.

Penance: 12 years dungeon, 7 years no trials.