The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

please admire my panopticon of emotion-analogues, including and probably limited to:

self-destructive apathy
creative fervour to the point of excluding anything else
the "public image" package (not for individual resale): wit, grace, a veneer of self-confidence, the opposite of insufferability
vague/begrudging acknowledgement of biological needs
tamped down anger
a burning desire to lash out
elation (limited stock)
exhaustion
evasiveness
anxiety
guilt
existential dread
self-directed frustration
a gaping void where internal drive should be (adapter for external power source comes pre-packaged, but it's for casuals)

if you position the antennas just right and the wind's blowing the right way and the satellites are orbiting in the right spot, you can sometimes get a different channel to temporarily distract you from the above, good fuckin' luck landing it though

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how do I justify everyone else's full range of emotional expression as for the most part valid and good, while I'm sitting here like "you want to know how I'm doing? I don't trust myself to not dump every since-rendered-irrelevant bugbear and percolated-to-a-fine-grudge hangup I've accumulated since the last time I blew my emotional load on someone, on you so if you want more than a chipper "yeah I'm keepin' on", you're going to have to pry it out of me

(please for the love of god pry it out of me)

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I thought about self harming last night. I wouldn't draw blood doing it cuz I'm weaksauce and am super-averse to pain but contemplating active self-harm as opposed to my usual suite of not doing stuff as some kind of unspecified routine of punishment for being an understated disaster of an adult, I guess it was a change of pace

I settled for eating A Bread and resisting the urge to hack/rip apart a needle felting project I've partway completed

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It's a pinnacle of personal achievement honestly that people think of me as a happy, entertaining person to spend time with, Probably helps that I don't spend the bulk of my time socialising (work doesn't count but maybe I wouldn't be in this rut if it did)

I wish I could direct my socially suicidal tendencies outwardly, that I could shove my facade into fire and pressure and demonstrate its limitations (I want to hurt myself badly enough that I stop gritting my teeth and start screaming for help)

but I hate breaking things. The notion that I can irrevocably change the state of things is fucking terrifying, never stopped being terrifying and like all my other fears it never actually gets resolved or confronted, just painted over until a low mood like now dredges it back up pristine as the event horizon

but yeah instead of pushing my boundaries I retreat back into myself, ride it out until social connections die off, atrophy trumps apoptosis, and if the latter is inevitable (inexorably drawn as I am to emotional leechhood) then something something 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer?

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lmao And I get salty over Agen or the like getting soliloquic up ins the public spaces

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ahahahaha I'm not making a new post for this but I forgot to mention last night: when I'm in a stressful situation I normally start crying! This is mostly involuntary and I fucking hate it, because I'd rather keep talking about the stuff needed to resolve the situation but noooooooo people ask why I'm crying and if we need to pick this discussion up later. I can't even explain why I'm crying because tears on face is equivalent no longer being emotionally stable enough to continue in the discussion.

This is partly why I go out of my way to pre-emptively avoid stressful situations.

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Checking in from 1:30
My wish right now is the power to stop existing for preset chunks of time. I am tired of being tired but I apparently don't care enough to curl up and go to sleep at a good and reasonable hour