Writing and Semicolons Thread

Unicorns

Great Lord Sparklesmith and Gordon were unicorns. Great Lord Sparklesmith was a loose cannon cop on the edge, while Gordon was his wisecracking wacky roommate with a mysterious past.
One day, Great Lord Sparklesmith and Gordon ran out of milk, so they decided to go to Dr. President's grocery store to buy some more. But when they arrived, they found that there was only skim milk left, and of course Gordon's magical powers could only be fueled by 2% milk.
They asked Dr. President (who was also a unicorn) what had happened to the 2% milk. He explained that the evil sorceror Nero Shaken'Bake (who was, of course, also a unicorn) had just bought up all the 2% milk to use in an evil ritual or possibly to make ten thousand pancakes, which would explain why he had also bought up all the flour and sugar and maple syrup.

"We can't allow Nero Shaken'Bake to make that many pancakes!" Great Lord Sparklesmith declared. "I'm going to break that bastard's neck and get our milk back!"
"But wait!" Gordon interjected. "What if it's just an evil ritual? Then we have to let it succeed so we can have a climactic battle with the demon he's summoning or whatever. It's in the rules."
"Maybe you play by the rules, but I'm a loose cannon cop on the edge. That means I beat the bad guy up a lot and then his evil ritual succeeds. Now come on, if we get there early maybe we can get some free pancakes out of that bastard before I start shooting him."
"I guess you could say you'll leave him battered," Gordon said, and everyone in the store laughed, including the unicorns who couldn't hear him. (Because, of course, everyone in the store was a unicorn.)

But suddenly, there was a dramatic musical chord, and The Ancient And Wise Baron Proudmane stepped out. He was also a unicorn, and he had a top hat and a monocle and an evil mustache.
"Not so fast, Great Lord Sparklemane and Gordon!" he announced. "I can't allow you to interfere with Nero Shaken'Bake's plans. Not because I have any association with him, but because I cannot allow you to go on any adventures until you've beaten up my henchmen and eluded me in a high-speed car chase!"
As soon as he finished speaking, a half dozen henchmen who were also unicorns jumped out of the aisles.
"Damn! He's got us there," Gordon said. "What do we do, Great Lord Sparklemane?"
"We do what any loose cannon cop on the edge and his wisecracking wacky roommate with a mysterious past would do, of course," Great Lord Sparklemane said. "We fight crime."
And then Great Lord Sparklemane punched out several henchmen, while Gordon defeated the rest of them with wisecracks and wacky antics, like dropping an entire shelf of groceries on them or making two of them charge into each other and knock each other out. Dr. President was upset that his store was being messed up, but he was too busy laughing at Gordon's hilarious antics to complain.
"Curses!" exclaimed The Ancient And Wise Baron Proudmane as his henchmen fell one-by-one. "You've defeated my henchmen! Now I'll have to pursue you in a high-speed car chase!"
"Not if we pursue you first!" Great Lord Sparklemane shouted.
"Wait, aren't we the guys who have somewhere to go? I think it makes more sense if he's chasing us and we have to shake him off," Gordon replied.
"Hmm. But he's at a disadvantage. He should be fleeing and we should be trying to chase him down for information," Great Lord Sparklemane observed.
"This is a difficult problem to resolve," Dr. President said. "I think we'll have to take this to Unicorn Court."

Judge Galacticamaru, who was a unicorn, looked over the court.
"Can somebody explain this dispute to me again?" he asked.
"I will, Your Honor," said Sheinalica, who was Great Lord Sparklesmith and Gordon's attractive and intelligent lawyer, and also a unicorn. "My clients claim that they should be pursuing The Ancient And Wise Baron Proudmane in a high-speed car chase, while the opposing side claimas that The Ancient And Wise Baron Proudmane should be pursuing my clients."
"Uh, actually," Gordon said, raising a hoof, "I agree with the other guy. I think he should be chasing us."
"Objection!" shouted Dr. Commissioner James Gordon, who was The Ancient And Wise Baron Proudmane's no-nonsense lawyer who got results, and also a unicorn. "That statement wasn't wacky at all, and is therefore at odds with Gordon's established character."
"Objection sustained," said Judge Galacticamaru. Then he paused. "Wait a minute, how is this a legal dispute at all?"
Everyone in the courtroom looked at each other for a few moments and then started mumbling.
"Right, that's it. I declare the whole lot of you guilty of wasting my time! Everyone in this courtroom is sentenced to life in prison!"

Five minutes later, everyone was sitting in a jail cell.
"Well, this sure is a wacky and zany outcome!" Gordon said. Everyone laughed.
"Oh, shut up," Judge Galacticamaru replied. "Why didn't anyone remind me that I was in the courtroom?"
"I tried, but you wouldn't let me!" Gordon said. "You kept telling me that whatever I said couldn't possibly be important."
"You're all missing the two most important things here," Great Lord Sparklemane said. "The first is that we haven't had any high-speed car chases at all today. The second is that we're not going to be able to get any pancakes in here!"
"Damn," Gordon said. "I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles."
Everyone laughed, even though Gordon's joke didn't have anything to do with cookies.

Meanwhile, Nero Shaken'Bake had summoned the evil and powerful demon Prince Makebelieve, who was also a unicorn but also a demon, and had made ten thousand pancakes.
"Where is everyone?" Nero Shaken'Bake grumbled. "I thought for sure they'd come over when they heard I had ten thousand pancakes!"
"Oh well, more for us," Prince Makebelieve said. "Could you pass the maple syrup?"
"Sure thing," said Nero Shaken'Bake's neighbor, Shaniqua Melona Ledasha Shakira Niltharix. "By the way, has anyone told you you're cute?"
"No," Prince Makebelieve replied, "but they've told me I"m a fearsome monster who devours souls. Although honestly, these pancakes are much more delicious than souls. Maybe I should change my diet."