Real talk: Why do you love the goblin queen?

She pioneered humanity's first expedition into the stars. Tragically, our heat shields were not quite up to par, but hey nobody ever said that progress would come without sacrifice.

She wins the Best Tactics of the Year award every year. All the other candidates seem to drop out or go missing...

She helped edit my Mirror's Edge / Dota 2 crossover erotic fanfiction, and suggested new euphemisms for 'penis' that I had never considered but immediately used.

She let me play the finished copy of Half Life 3 before we dutifully destroyed it to feed off the souls of those eternally waiting for its release.

She bangs, she bangs oh baby when she moves, she moves. I go crazy 'cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee.

She spent a year in silence, just to better understand the sound of a whisper.

She showed me the true importance of being Earnest.

She wrote a book on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, after surviving one herself and then inventing time travel to prevent it from ever happening.

She killed the past version of herself and replaced them to throw the government off her trail.

She sprayed a cluster of teenage boys with lemon juice when they were throwing rocks at a cat, using her advanced smell to track them down later and properly punish them. But not before taking the cat to the cat embassy where they could lie low for a while and recover their strength.

She tells me exactly how to deal with petulanty/shitty asks in my tumblr inbox.

She doesn't have tumblr because she's better than that - better than all of us.

She wrote a book on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, after surviving one herself and then inventing time travel to prevent it from ever happening.

She killed the past version of herself and replaced them to throw the government off her trail.

THE GOVERNMENT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE????? ALL THAT WASTED EFFORT

AND THE DAMN BOOK. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO READ IT WHEN SHE NEVER MADE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE??????

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RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

She helped my technologically disinclined grandmother set up her Facebook account, and the two shared numerous stories.

She took our team of misfit losers under her wing and somehow managed to coach us into winning the International Baseball Super Championship game.

Her team beat us in the International Baseball Super Championship, but I just can't stay mad at her! I'd rather she win than us, anyway. We love you, Goblin Queen!

She fought the Law and won. She shot the sheriff AND the deputy.

You promised not to tell anyone...............................................................................................................................................................................................

i lied

She was the one who first invented fire, agriculture, and the wheel, helping to pave the way for early humans and goblins alike.

"But Coldblooded," cries a petulant voice from the back row, "Don't you mean that she was the one who first DISCOVERED fire?"

No. I said exactly what I meant. Furthermore, shut up.

She bought the farmhouse, without dying!
She controls the Vertical and the Horizontal.

She helped me raise my crops in Farmville.

She helped me in a raid in Brave Frontier.

She helped cut the rope in Cut the Rope.

She made the birds angry in Angry Birds.

She made the birds angry in Angry Birds.

It was her...

She killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

She can simply walk into Mordor.

She invented inventing.

She created the chicken and the egg at the same time.

Every day she puts on a suit, downs a cup of coffee, and heads straight down to her office to put in a solid ten hours of just staring at the button in the center of her desk. You know the kind; Big, red, covered by a glass case, surrounded by a series of alternating black and yellow lines? That sort of button.

Some days she tries to find a way to kill time while she's sitting there for hours on end. Other times she just sits there for the entire day, staring silently at the button all day, never moving. Occasionally, she lifts up the glass case and places her finger directly over the button, depressing just it ever so slightly, but not enough for it to actually activate.

It would be so easy too. She could just sneeze one day, or accidentally drop something heavy on the button, and that would be the end of it. She could get cut off in traffic one day on the way to work and decide to take her frustration out on the rest of the planet. Anything's possible.

But at the end of the day she always just closes the case, gathers up her things, and heads straight back home from work. This is why we trust her with this responsibility. Anybody else would have already smashed the button down a thousand times by now if they were in her position, but not her. She's better than us. Better than all of us.

Amen.

The Goblin Queen can pull off literally any cosplay, given enough styrofoam.

She is the new Batman. Her house is full of Alfred Butlers who serve her.

She is all of the Alfred Butlers too.

She is my father, and my mother, my brother; she is me and she is you. She is all of us. She is quoting V for Vendetta right now.

She knows exactly where I am ticklish.

She knows exactly where I am ticklish.

Everyone does, it's the haunches and sideflap. You don't make particularly much of a secret of it, what with your fits of getting other people to tickle you in public and you roll around on the ground in hysterics right in front of everyone

Can confirm that I didn't know this, but have taken notes.

the goblin queen is so lovable, always up to everyone's antics. That's why she surgically removed her haunches and sideflap to avoid such unpleasantness.