Real talk: Why do you love the goblin queen?

Speak now, or be merged with the concept of shame.

I'll start:

She is the cleverest and most smart
She will eat anything
She slaps any animal with an upsetting face
She screams often and loudly
She has small hands

There are many reasons to love the goblin queen

she knows my secrets

She helped me design some OCs during my teenage years

She bailed me out of jail and taught me how to believe in myself again.

She took our team of misfit losers under her wing and somehow managed to coach us into winning the International Baseball Super Championship game.

Last year I went to the Olympics and took home the gold in every single event, and I owe it all to her supreme coaching skills. When they handed me all of the medals I told them to play the Goblin Queen's theme song instead, because her Monarchy is the only true form of government that I will ever recognize.

My love for David Bowie transfers over to his Queen as well.

She is faster than 80% of all snakes.

She can smell lies.

She always knows when you don't floss.

She promised me all of your souls for my allegiance.

She can raise or lower a man's cholesterol at will.

She's fat and she don't run too fast, but she's faster than me.

she ate my poptarts. And by god i loved those poptarts

she recommended me what kamen rider shows to watch

She helps keep the government off of my trail.

When I was in the hospital, she gave me a liter of blood, three kidneys, and an appendix. I never asked where she got them from or how they were supposed to help with my ear infection, but I appreciated the gesture anyway.

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She makes a mean casserole.

She managed to figure out who the real Coldblooded was and shot the clone instead of me.

once she was like "hey ashley, bigros got this big bag fulla lemon drops under his mattress. you know what im thinking??"

me and the goblin queen, we go way back. i was ready to go before she even asked.

wasnt too eventful breaking into bigros house. we climbed through the ventilation system, took out some security cameras with throwing stars & dynomite. routine stuff, you know?

still, we were taken by surprise when bigro burst out of his room. guy was wrapped in a vegemite-stained blanket, reeking of death and hollering about noise. our cover was blown, so it was time to pull out all the stops.

we charged in screaming loud as we could. bigro drew his custom-made katana from its scabbard with perfect form, but it was too little too late. i slapped the dumb sword out of his stupid hands while the goblin queen did these crazy dance-fighting moves on his face kind of like neo in the matrix.

bigro pretty much immediately just lay on the floor and started crying. me and the queen aren't ones for kicking someone while theyre down, so we just went on with the mission. i lifted the mattress, the goblin queen grabbed the bag, and we got out through the window before any cops could arrive.

spent the rest of the night snacking & laughing about our escapades. they were some of the best lemon drops ive ever had

She managed to figure out who the real Pala was and shot him instead of me.

She split her spirit up into nine different things and can only be killed if you destroy all of them.

She's a maniac, maniac on the floor.

She cheats at tic tac toe.

she beat the propeller knight level in shovel knight for me

she's a goblin

She's the goblin queen, young and neat, only 1700

She happily lent me the money that I needed to conquer Belize in her name, and at only a 1% interest rate.

She let me use her oregano when I was making meat sauce and ran out of my own.

She can drink three bottles of whisky and still pass the breathalyzer test.

She can say "she sells sea shells by the seashore" ten times fast.

She takes one generic sky piece from every 1000 piece puzzle.

Just like a prayer, her voice can take me there, just like a muse to me, she is a mystery, just like a dream, she is not what she seems. Just like a prayer, her voice can take me there.

She can watch 3D movies without needed the stupid glasses.

She was Gossip Girl all along.

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When she makes potato salad, her potatoes peel themselves in her name.

She put words in my mouth when I tried hailing Satan, I ended up saying "hail the Goblin Queen" instead and I'm honestly glad I did. 10/10 would summon again.