Loather Status

i was feeling sort of ok and productive and now i just feel

scared

vaguely dysphoric

feeling my entire existence stolen from me by shitty fulltime work

and on top of all of that, theres a deep visceral feeling that anything i make will go beyond being bad into outright disastrous, like harmful to my health, a waste of time i dont have enough of, even though i need that fulfillment

i cant do anything because of these feelings, i just want to stop being a trainwreck, i just want to chill a bit and appreciate life

but i cant even enjoy doing nothing because i have so little time

and these feelings are shutting me down so hard

im just. fucking doomed huh

:\

plus. cassie was splitting her hrt meds with me til like, two weeks ago, cause she ran out, and all the good trans feelings i had? yeah those wore off

i dont have health insurance or energy im broke and i cant do anything even though i lost my family over this and i jsut

wish it were better than this

why is there no way out. why cant i exist

rhetorical question our entire society is hell

it sucks so much though

like without my own existence what even am i

a human being reduced to a miserable automation so more power can go to the powerful, something all of society agrees to, something people agree to enforce

my entire life gone, replaced by something so much more meaningless, hollow productivity, the creation of nothing. made into a goddamned handcrank for people with functionally infinite wealth, infinite power, to give themselves more

what the fuck, humanity

let me LIVE

i'll feel better. i'll get out of this. im just not doing well at the moment

fucking sadists rule the world

i hope theres a hell for them

one day im going to live with a bunch of my friends and make things i care about for money, and things will be better. i just have to survive til then

my heart wont stop beating out of my chest

im so anxious

i dont have a family

LOVE ALERT

we love you