The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

Because I figure three of these in a row in Writing and Semicolons is enough. I'll put future silly stories in here and people can say things about them if they want.

The inspiration for this story comes from MalkyTop.

Flexible White Tablets

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Johnny.
Johnny ate some flexible white tablets he found in a bottle, then he went to sleep.
During the night, the flexible white tablets flew away with his stomach.
When Johnny woke up, he discovered he didn't have a stomach. He cried out for help.
Johnny's mother looked at the empty bottle and sighed.
"Johnny, you really should read the warning labels on these bottles. Then you'll know when something like this might happen."
"But I can't read!" Johnny said.
"Then you should learn."
"But what about my stomach?" Johnny groaned.
"You'll be fine. You just need to make drastic changes to your diet and you should be able to last another couple of weeks. That's plenty of time to learn how to read!"
Before Johnny could protest, his mother hired a tutor to teach him how to read. He started that day.
"What's this letter?" the tutor asked, holding up an A.
Johnny shrugged.
"I don't know. I can't read. I thought that's what you were here to teach me."
"It is?" the tutor asked. "Well, that's going to be tough. I can't read either."
"What?" Johnny's mother asked. "Then I want my money back!
"Sorry, no refunds," the tutor said.
"But your ad said you could teach anyone to read, or I get my money back!"
"It did?" the tutor said, surprised. "I didn't know that. I couldn't read it."
"Either you teach Johnny to read, or you give back my money!"
Johnny didn't say anything. He was staring at the tutor. There was something familiar about him.
Then it struck him.
"Mom, this isn't a tutor!" he shouted. "It's my stomach wearing a tie and glasses and floating off the ground!"
"What? No I'm not!" said the tutor.
"Now, Johnny," his mother said calmly. "It's not polite to say someone looks like a stomach."
"But it's MY stomach!"
"Ridiculous!" the tutor snapped. "You have no way to prove that."
"Sure I do!" said Johnny. "We can prove it with a DNA test!"
And so Johnny ran a DNA test on himself and the stomach. Ten minutes later, he came back with the results.
"Um. I can't read these," he said.
"Well, don't look at me," said the tutor stomach.
They both turned to Johnny's mother.
"Um," she said awkwardly. "I can't read, either."
"WHAT?" the two of them shouted.
"Then why do I have to?" Johnny asked.
"So you can read things to me."
"Wait, if you can't read, how did you know what was in my ad?" asked the tutor.
"Oh, I used my psychic powers for that," she explained.
"You have psychic powers?" Johnny asked. "Then can't you use them to figure out if he's my stomach?"
"Oh, right!" Johnny's mother said, slapping her forehead. This was how she activated her psychic powers.
"Yes, he's your stomach," she replied. "And those flexible white tablets are still in him, and they still have my money!"
"Cut that out, then!" Johnny shouted. The flexible white tablets sighed and flew out of Johnny's stomach, then Johnny's mother took out her surgery tools and put it back in him.
"There you go!" Johnny's mother said triumphantly.
"Mom, you put it in upside-down," Johnny groaned as the anaesthetic wore off.
"Well, I tried to follow the directions, but I couldn't read them!"
Meanwhile, the flexible white tablets flew away with the money Johnny's mother had paid them. They decided to spend the money on reading lessons.

Owlface

Once upon a time, there was a hammerhead shark named Owlface. His face didn't look anything like an owl and everyone got confused whenever he told them his name.
"But your face doesn't look like an owl at all!" the other fish would ask. (Sometimes they'd ask what an owl was first; not all fish are well-educated on bird species, after all.)
"It's not a nickname," he explained every single time. "It's my actual name."
"Why did your parents call you Owlface, then?"
"I was named after my great-grandfather, Jack 'Owlface' Sharkston."
At this point, Owlface would always interrupt the other person just as they were getting ready to talk.
"No, his face didn't look like an owl either."
"Oh. So why did they call him Owlface?"
"I have no idea."
And then there would be an awkward silence for about five minutes, and Owlface would never see the other fish again. Even the times when he didn't eat them afterwards.
As a result of this, Owlface was very lonely. He decided to do something about it. But what? Everyone would ask his name, and the problems always started when he said his name was Owlface.
Eventually, an idea struck him: what if he said his name was something else?
He decided to try it the next time he met someone. He soon got his chance when a blowfish swam up to him.
"Hello," said the blowfish. "You look like a well-educated hammerhead shark. May I ask your name?"
"It's Ow-" Owlface paused. He had just been about to repeat his name again. This might have been easier if he had thought up a new name first.
"Your name is Ow?" the blowfish asked.
Owlface considered going with that, but then he decided it would just get confusing; he wouldn't know if other fish were calling for him or just yelling in pain.
But what else could he say?"
"No, sorry, I was thinking of something else," Owlface replied. "Let me try that again." He paused again, and decided to go with the first name that came to mind that wasn't Owlface.
"My name is Not Owlface," he replied.
The blowfish suddenly glared at him.
"Funny. My name is Not Owlface. And you know, stealing someone else's name is a pretty serious crime in the ocean."
Owlface would have slapped his forehead if he had one and also had a limb that could reach it.
"I can't believe I forgot about Oceanic Law!" Owlface said. "I'm sorry, Not Owlface. My name is really Owlface and every time I tell someone that's my name, they start asking questions and the conversation gets really awkward."
"So you thought you'd try using a different name?"
Owlface did the best approximation of a nod that a hammerhead shark could.
"And this conversation is still awkward, isn't it?"
Owlface did the nodding-thing again.
"Have you ever considered that perhaps the conversations are awkward because of who you are, and not because of your name?" Not Owlface asked.
Owlface hadn't.
"I'm sorry, Not Owlface," Owlface replied. "I didn't think about that. Can you teach me how to have less awkward conversations?"
Not Owlface puffed himself up and looked thoughtful. Finally, he deflated.
"Hmm. Sorry, can't really think of any advice. I just talk to people, myself."
"Oh. Okay."
And then Owlface ate Not Owlface. Three days later, he died from Not Owlface's deadly blowfish toxin.
Pumpkinface, the trout Owlface had been talking to when the poison kicked in, just stared at the body awkwardly.
"I don't think this is helping you have less awkward conversations," Pumpkinface said, after an eight-minute pause.

A Summary of England

England is a tall country, standing at about six foot three. Its distinguishing features include a scar under its left eye and a birthmark on the back of its neck. There are various unsubstantiated rumors that the birthmark is actually covering two bite marks from Transylvania.
England was founded in 43 AD by Eng the Galactic Emporer. He called it "Iceland", then was disappointed to find there wasn't enough ice there and flew away with his fleet to find a better planet to found a country on.
Three centuries later, the country was renamed "England" as part of a joke that everyone involved swears was hilarious at the time. The name stuck ever since.
England is ruled by the demon Th'eur'ak. However, in all the centuries that he has ruled the land, he has only issued one edict: that everyone in the nation must drink tea, and they need to do it at the right time.
This has generated a power vacuum which has been filled by various national institutions, such as the Monocle Manufacturing Conglomerate and the Mad Dentists Association. There is a complex web of alliances and rivalries between these groups, but no one really pays any attention to it.
In England, all disputes are settled by swordfights on top of a chandelier. Whoever cuts down the chandelier first is the winner. Sometimes the outcome of such a match is unclear, which leads to another dispute, and consequently another swordfight on top of a chandelier. This is why Chandeliers Inc. is the most financially successful company in the entire nation.
Englanders celebrate Christmas in summer as well as in winter. This is a closely-guarded secret and any Englander who reveals it to an outsider will be pelted with rotten eggs. You will only be spared this terrible fate if you have given Christmas gifts to everyone in England this year; in that case, they will show mercy and simply execute you immediately.
The United States of America bought the movie rights to England in 1932, and still holds them to this day, despite a fierce and ongoing bidding war with Kuwait.

Space

Once upon a time, there was space.
Space was vast and mostly empty. But only mostly, because it had things like stars and planets and moons in it.
Space gradually expanded over billions of years, remaining vast and mostly empty. This eventually lead to protests from the planets, because they were getting further apart from the other planets, and they wanted somebody to talk to.
And not their moons. Moons were boring conversationalists.
Space responded to the planets' protests with continued gradual expansion. This, of course, angered the planets more, so they decided to do something about it.
They decided to start evolving lifeforms that would go into space and make it be smaller. That would show space!
But in the billions of years it took for sufficiently intelligent life to evolve and develop space travel technology, the planets got bored of the whole thing and eventually they forgot about it.
Meanwhile, space continued its policy of gradual expansion.
Nothing much happened for another few million years, until the planet Ghwradro suddenly remembered the whole protest thing, and it asked its native lifeforms to go and do something about space for it, seeing as it was kind enough to evolve and let them have a civilization and all that.
Unfortunately, the native lifeforms didn't speak planet, and so they thought it was just a really big ghwradroquake.
Fearing another such disaster, the Ghwradrons decided to leave the planet and started work on an expansive space program.
They boarded their entire population into massive starships, and then flew into space looking for another planet to live on, preferably one that didn't shake as much.
But space was so vast and mostly empty that finding another planet wasn't easy. It would take many years to reach one.
Then one of their scientists spoke up.
"What if we made space smaller?"
And so the Ghwradron scientists built a shrinking ray and pointed it at space. Space shrunk, and the planets were a lot closer and could have conversations.
Unfortunately, the planets shook when they talked, so this didn't work out so well for any of the inhabitants of the planets.
So the Ghwradrons went to other planets and built more spaceships loaded their inhabitants into them, until every living thing was on a spaceship. Then they all worked together builder a really big spaceship that could work as a planet and wouldn't shake.
The other planets got annoyed at the new planet, because it wouldn't even talk to them.
Eventually, they decided to start evolving more lifeforms so they could send them to the new planet and tell it to be more sociable.
Then space collapsed in on itself, and it took less time than it would have if the Ghwradrons hadn't shrunk space.
And that's the story of how we all came to be in the afterlife.
And space lived happily ever after.

Budgiecop

"You can't take that birdcage on the bus," the driver said, giving Jimmy a disapproving glare. "You'll have to find someplace else to keep it. Or walk home."
"But you just let another guy with a budgie get on!" Jimmy protested.
"That's because that's no ordinary budgie, kid. That's Budgiecop."
Upon hearing his name, Budgiecop immediately put on his sunglasses.
"Hey, driver! What's the holdup?" he shouted. "I've got a crime scene to check out."
"Sorry, kid," the driver said, closing the door and leaving Jimmy standing at the bus stop. "Police business." He turned back and yelled. "I'm goin', I'm goin'!"

"And that was when I vowed vengeance upon you, Budgiecop," James Pettigrudge said, polishing his gun. "Thanks to you, I had to carry Stacey's cage a whole four blocks! And I'll never forgive you for it."
"Uh, I don't see what I had to do with it," Budgiecop said. "It's the driver who brushed you off. I couldn't even see what was going on from back there."
James Pettigrudge paused in thought.
"Damn, I knew there was someone else I wanted revenge on! But how am I going to track down a single bus driver from twenty years ago?"
While Pettigrudge was distracted, Budgiecop poked his way over to the ropes holding his cage to the conveyor belt.
"Why'd he bother with this setup if he's got a gun?" Budgiecop wondered to himself. Then he pecked away the ropes and his cage was free. He rolled it over, running to get it to move faster than the conveyor belt.
"Too bad Hamstercop isn't here," Budgiecop mused. But finally, the cage picked up momentum and rocketed off the conveyor, hitting Pettigrudge in the face and knocking him out.
Budgiecop just stood in his cage, wearing his sunglasses.
"Well, that worked out pretty well."
He glanced around.
"...Now how am I going to bring him in?"

Three hours later, Budgiecop arrived at headquarters, carrying a cage with James Pettigrudge stuffed inside. The chief just stared at him.
"Hey chief," Budgiecop said. "Can you take care of this guy? I like having my personal space."
"Yeah, uh, okay," the chief replied. "Just get in line, they should be able to take care of you when they get that guy out of Elephantcop's trunk."
"Thanks, chief," Budgiecop said. "Keep up the good work, okay?"
The chief zookeeper just sighed as Budgiecop flew to the end of the processing line.
"Of all the zoos in the world, why'd I have to end up with this one?"

Jingles the Yellow-Bellied Salamander Cowboy

Jingles the yellow-bellied salamander cowboy had a very shiny nose.
The other salamander cowboys didn't make fun of him for it, or for his yellow belly, because there weren't any other salamander cowboys in the first place, and if there had been he would have shot them.
One day, Jingles went to his favorite saloon, the Pituitary Minotaur, and barged through the doors because that was how he always entered saloons. He was hoping for a drink and a good fight, but he was startled to find that the saloon was empty, aside from the barmaid. There wasn't even a piano player around to dramatically stop playing the piano when he barged in.
"Where is everyone?" he asked the barmaid, as she polished a glass. "Did I come on the wrong day?"
"No," the barmaid said apathetically. "Everyone's at the new saloon that opened today, the Petty Rivalry. They're all excited about it, apparently it's supposed to be better than here in every way."
"Oh," Jingles replied. He paused for a moment. "So, uh, where is it?"
"Across the street." The barmaid pointed right at it. "Have fun. Meanwhile, I'll be here, watching my property values plummet as my business dries up."
"Yeah, you do that," Jingles replied. And so he crossed the street and barged into the Petty Rivalry.
Except he didn't. He stared at the doors; they didn't move at all when he barged through them.
"What gives?" he said to nobody. He pushed harder and harder on the doors, but they didn't move.
Then he was knocked aside as the Exposition Kid stepped out of the saloon.
"Oh, hey there, Jingles," the Exposition Kid said. "What are you doing there?"
"I was going to barge into the saloon!" Jingles shouted. "But it wouldn't let me in!"
"Oh, well, that's because the Petty Rivalry's doors are barge-proof," the Exposition Kid explained. "That way, the piano player doesn't have to stop."
Jingles stared at the Kid, then at the doors, then at the saloon's sign. His face slowly twisted in anger.
"I'm not gonna stand for this," he said. He marched towards the doors and pushed on them, but they didn't move.
"Uh, barge-proof doors, remember?" the Exposition Kid reminded him.
"Oh, right," Jingles sighed. He pushed lightly on the door and it swung in easily. "Damn, it just ain't the same." Then he walked inside.
"Now listen up!" he shouted as he entered, but nobody paid any attention because the piano was too loud. He tried to yell a speech about how barge-proof doors were against everything cowboys stood for, but he just couldn't make himself heard over the piano. He sighed, and walked back out and over to the Pituitary Minotaur, where he barged in.
"Now listen up!" he shouted at the barmaid. "A saloon with barge-proof doors is a goshdarn insult, and that piano's too damn loud, too! So I'm takin' this place - no, wait, sorry. So I'm takin' that place down! The one across the street, I mean."
"Good for you," the barmaid said, bored. "You want a drink or something?"
Jingles shrugged.
"Water, I guess."
The barmaid gave Jingles a glass of cold water. He drank it up, and passed out, and by the time he woke up he had completely forgotten about the other saloon and the Pituitary Minotaur had been sold and converted into a hanggliding school.
"Geez, what a lightweight," the former barmaid said. She had been offered free hanggliding classes as part of the sale. "Can't even hold one glass of water."
"Hiccup," Jingles countered. Then he passed out again.
Meanwhile, the Petty Rivalry was shut down by government inspectors when they realized that the doors were barge-proof, which was against federal saloon code. Rather than contest the ruling or remove the doors, the proprietors instead opted to convert the business into a piano store.
In the end, the town was left without any saloon at all, and so its economy was ruined and everyone lived happily ever after.

This is a birthday present for Ix.

The Fishing Trip

One day, John and Tom decided to go on a fishing trip. They packed up their fishing gear and drove off to the lake, then they sat in a boat and fished.
For a whole hour, neither of them got a bite.
"Why are we doing this again?" Tom asked.
"I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time," John shrugged. "You want to head back home?"
"Eh, I'll give it another hour," Tom said. "Who knows, we might catch something."

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the lake, the city of Aquadra was in a panic, because a large shadow had been cast over them for the last hour and strange hooks had appeared in the water above them.
"We're going to die!" Mayor President shrieked. "It's just like the prophecies said!"
"This is clearly the work of those nefarious surface-dwellers!" shouted General Fishlips. "They finally found us, and now they want to destroy us. I say we strike back!"
There was a murmuring in the council room, before Mayor President finally spoke up.
"Well, don't just sit there! Go and do that! Before we all die!"
The general coughed.
"I'd love to sir, but I need authorization from the Council first."
"Oh. Well, then what's the Council waiting for? Give him authorization!"
"Sir, we need you to announce a vote before we can do that," Councillor Sharktooth reminded him. "It's how the Council works."
"Do I have to do everything around here?" Mayor President sighed. "All right, then. I hereby announce that we are voting on whether to authorize General Fishlips to, uh..."
"Mobilize a counterattack, sir."
"Yes. That. Now vote already!"
"Wait a minute, is that wise?" Dr. Blackfin asked. "We could investigate the shadow first, it hasn't actually done anything yet except float above us ominously and drop some hooks that we aren't going anywhere near."
"AYE!" everyone else shouted.
"Nay," Dr. Blackfin said with a renounced sigh.
"The Ayes have it," Mayor President concluded. "Get to work, General."
"Yes, sir!" The general saluted before swimming out.

John, meanwhile, had gotten bored.
"Wish I'd brought a book," he grumbled.
"All I brought was the map," Tom observed. "You can take a glance at that if you want."
John shrugged.
"What the heck, it'll be something to do."
Tom handed the map over and John unfolded it. He stared at it for a few minutes before something struck him.
"Hey, wait a minute!" John said. "I think we're on the wrong lake. This one's not even on the map. Maybe there aren't even any fish here."
"Or maybe someone else already grabbed them all," Tom mused.
"Stupid overfishing," John sighed. "You wanna head back?"
"Nah," Tom replied. "That seems like more work than just stayin' here."
"Good point."

"This is Aquadra Command," General Fishlips said. "We have authorization for a full-scale counterattack on the surface dwellers. Prepare all missiles for launch."
Across the world, in small, out-of-the-way lakes, secret compartments opened up and released missiles from the depths of the water. All at once, they shot out of the lakes, and sped on towards whatever surface-dwellers were nearby.
No government had seen the attack coming. The world was devastated. The surface-dwellers were gone.
But in Aquadra, the shadow was still there.

"Did you hear something?" John asked. "Kinda like an explosion?"
"Nah," Tom said. "Think I'm about ready to go back."

"Why is the shadow still there?" Mayor President demanded. "We're all still doomed!"
"I don't get it," General Fishlips said. "The counterstrike should have stopped the surface-dwellers and their evil magic."
"I'll tell you why," Dr. Blackfin grumbled. "While you were blowing everything up, I did some actual research. That's not the end of us all, it's just two morons in a boat."
"A... what?" Mayor President asked. "What's that?"
"It's a vessel the surface-dwellers use to travel across the water. Except those two are just sitting there for some reason."
"You don't know anything, Blackfin!" the general shouted. "You've been tainted by the Devilfish! Maybe you're even working for the surface dwellers!"
The entire council gasped.
"That's absurd," Dr. Blackfin sighed. "Honestly, we'll all be fine as long as we don't touch those hooks."
"Shut up, traitor!" Mayor President shouted at him. "I bet you're the one who brought that shadow in! I hereby announce a vote to declare Dr. Blackfin as a traitor to fishkind!"
"AYE!" everyone shouted.
"Nay," Dr. Blackfin sighed. "Not that it matters at this point, I suppose."
"You're coming with me, traitor," General Fishlips said with a scowl. "It's time you got what you deserve."

"Hey! I got a bite!" John said suddenly. He started reeling the hook in and found a strange looking white eel-like fish with a black fin, and circles around its eyes.
"Huh, looks kinda like it's wearin' glasses," Tom noted. "So how do ya think it tastes?"
"Eh, I dunno. It's probably a bad idea to eat weird fish like that," John replied. "I think I'll just toss it back."
He threw Dr. Blackfin over the side of the boat.
"So, time to head back?"
"Sure," Tom mumbled. "Sky's gettin' gray, may as well head home before it rains."

Meanwhile, in Aquadra, everyone was cheering about the traitor's demise and the disappearance of the shadow.
"Good work, General Fishlips!" Mayor President said. "I'm giving you a promotion to Super General!"
"You're too kind, sir," General Fishlips replied. "I was just doin' my duty."
Then Dr. Blackfin slowly drifted down to the city. He groaned.
"You're all idiots," he said to the now-confused crowd.
"Wait, weren't you just executed?" Mayor President asked.
Dr. Blackfin sighed.
"Yes," he said.
"Well, then, I guess you've served your sentence!" the Mayor replied. "Now get back to work, the Council's short-handed."
"Why do I even bother..." Dr. Blackfin muttered under his breath.

Meanwhile, John and Tom headed back to the city and found it in ruins.
"Dang," John said. "Looks like we missed a lot."
"Shame," Tom agreed. "So, you wanna go fishin' again tomorrow?"
"Sure, why not," John replied. "Maybe we'll even catch somethin' this time."

More Unicorns

(see also)

Judge Galacticamaru, who was still a unicorn, sighed deeply.
"Why do I get all the stupid cases?" he asked nobody in particular. "All right, somebody tell me why this isn't going to be another complete waste of my time. Although, considering there's an empty suit in the plaintiff's chair, I don't have high hopes."
"It's quite simple, Your Honor," said Sheinalica, the plaintiff's attractive and intelligent lawyer who was also still a unicorn. "My client is actually Dr. President, a local grocery store owner who is also a unicorn. This afternoon, Dr. President went to see his doctor, Doctor Carl President, who is also a unicorn. Over the course of the appointment, however, Dr. President was transformed into this empty suit. Consequently, my client, Dr. President, is suing Doctor President for malpractice."
"Objection!" shouted the opposing lawyer, Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. He was a no-nonsense lawyer who got results, and also a unicorn. "That summary was confusing. Can we please refer to my client as Carl from here on out?"
"Objection!" Doctor Carl President shouted. "I didn't go through Unicorn Medical School so my degree would be left out!"
"Objection!" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon shouted. "My client does not get to make objections!"
Judge Galacticamaru banged his gavel.
"Order! Order! Look, let's just call him Doctor Carl, okay?"
There was a murmur of agreement from the assembled unicorns and one empty suit that used to be a unicorn.
"Good," Judge Galacticamaru sighed. "Now, as stupid as this case is, it's clearly a legal dispute, so it's technically not a waste of my time. So let's have the first witness for the plaintiff."
"Thank you, Your Honor," Sheinalica said. "Our first witness is the plaintiff, Dr. President."
The empty suit awkwardly and very slowly shuffled its way across the floor. Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"Bailiff," he said, "please help the witness to the stand."
James Commissioner nodded. He was the bailiff, and also a unicorn. He picked the suit up off the floor and carried it over to the witness stand.
"There you go, Your Honor," he said.
"Thank you. Now let's get this over with. And no lying!"
"Thank you, Your Honor," Sheinalica said. "Dr. President, is it true that you went to Doctor Carl's medical practice this afternoon?"
"Yes," said the suit.
"And is it true that you were a unicorn when you arrived at the appointment?"
"Yes," the suit replied.
"And is it also true that when you left the appointment, you were a suit?"
"Yes," said the suit.
"No further questions."
Sheinalica sat down, satisfied. Then everyone just sat there for a few minutes.
"Well?" Judge Galacticamaru finally asked Dr. Commissioner James Gordon.
"Well what?" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon asked.
"Aren't you going to cross-examine him?"
"Oh. Right! I knew I was forgetting something." Dr. Commissioner James Gordon stood up.
"Dr. President, did my client turn you into a suit?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Pretty sure, you say." Dr. Commissioner James Gordon said, staring at the suit.
"Yes. Is something wrong? Do I have a stain on me?"
"I'm asking the questions here, Dr. President."
"Oh, sorry. Well, go ahead, then."
Dr. Commissioner James Gordon looked thoughtful for a few moments, before speaking up again.
"No further questions," he said. Then he sat down.
"Wait a minute!" Doctor Carl protested. "That's all you're asking him?"
"Well, it seems clear enough to me," Dr. Commissioner James Gordon replied. "He's pretty sure you turned him into a suit. I don't see what else there is to ask."
Doctor Carl slammed his hoof down on the table.
"That's it. You're the worst no-nonsense lawyer who gets results ever. I can do a better job of this myself!"
"As your lawyer, I advise against that..."
"Shut up!" Doctor Carl shouted. "Your Honor, I'd like to ask the witness some questions."
"Fine, whatever," Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"Thank you, Your Honor," Doctor Carl replied. He walked towards the stand.
"Dr. President, did you, at any point, see me turn you into a suit?"
"Well, no," the suit replied.
"Did you ever turn away from me over the course of the appointment before you turned into a suit?"
"Now that you mention it, no," Dr. President admitted.
"Now, let me ask you an important question. Was there anyone else present at the appointment other than you and me?"
"Well, there was Mister Abracadabra, the wizard who's also a unicorn," the suit said.
"I see. And did you, at any point, see Mister Abracadabra turn you into a suit?"
"I... I don't know."
"Objection!" Sheinalica shouted. "He's leading the witness!"
Doctor Carl sighed.
"All right, fine, I'll take that one back," he said. "At any point during the appointment, did you notice Mister Abracadabra saying or doing anything that you found unusual?"
"Hmm... maybe?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I saw him waving his hands, kind of like this, and saying 'Presto-Changeo, become a suit!', but I don't know if I'd say that's unusual..."
The suit paused.
"Wait, when did you turn into a suit?"
The second suit held a sleeve up to where its forehead wasn't.
"Your Honor, I submit as evidence that the plaintiff has just performed a set of actions, and as he finished performing those actions, I was turned into a suit. Furthermore, the plaintiff has admitted that a third party, Mister Abracadabra, performed that same set of actions. It is therefore quite likely that Mister Abracadabra is responsible for the plaintiff's current condition."
"Sounds good to me," Judge Galacticamaru said, sounding exasperated. "I find in favor of the defendant. Now everyone get out of here!"
Then Judge Galacticamaru shoved everyone out of the courtroom, incuding the bailiff. He then sat down and waited for the next stupid case to come.
Outside the courtroom, Sheinalica grudgingly congratulated Dr. Commissioner James Gordon.
"I hate to admit it, but once again, your no-nonsense approach got results," she sighed.
"No it didn't!" one of the suits grumbled. "I had to do everything myself!"
"Oh be quiet, you," said Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. "What do you know about law? You're just a doctor."
"So what do we do about being suits?" the other suit asked.
"Well, if you ask me, that look suits you!" said Gordon, laughing. Gordon was a wacky roommate with a mysterious past, and also a unicorn.
Everyone else laughed, including the suits, even though Gordon hadn't been in the story at all.

Mary and Larry

Mary and Larry were young and in love. Three minutes before they met, a nuclear reactor on the other side of the world went critical. One day, the young couple went for a walk in the park. Meanwhile, in France, terrorists blew up the Turkish embassy.
In the park, Mary and Larry saw a mother duck and her ducklings swimming in the pond. At that very moment, the evil wizard completed his ritual and summoned a fiery demon.
Mary wanted to feed the ducks, but Larry reminded her that they hadn't brought any bread. As they discussed the matter, the alien mothership emerged over South Africa and delivered their ultimatum.
Then Mary saw that there was a bakery just a block away. Suddenly, a time portal opened in Egypt and an army of knights poured out of it.
Mary and Larry went to the bakery to buy some bread. Just then, a volcano erupted in Switzerland. Mary was short on money, so Larry offered to pay for half. And then a war broke out between China and Japan.
Bread in and, Mary and Larry walked back to the park to feed the ducks. Meanwhile, an entire alternate universe exploded. The ducks quacked appreciatively as they swam towards the bread. It was then that Poseidon rose from the depths of the ocean to unleash his fury upon mankind.
Mary and Larry smiled and laughed as the ducks ate the bread. Then, without warning, the king dropped dead from the poison, and the wicked count took the throne. After feeding the ducks, Mary and Larry walked home, hand in hand, smiling at each other. They were completely unaware of the meteor strike that had just leveled an entire city block ten miles away.
It had been a good day, all in all.

The Box

Once upon a time, there was a box.
There was a sign next to it that said "DO NOT OPEN THE BOX".
So the people saw the sign and said "Okay, we won't" and went on with their lives.
This made the box very lonely. It sat next to the sign for years and years wishing it could have a friend.
Finally, it let out a sigh.
"Why won't anyone be my friend?"
"I will!"
The box turned around, but didn't see anybody.
"Who said that?"
"Me!" replied the sign.
The box was surprised.
"I didn't know signs could talk!" it said.
"Well, I didn't know boxes could talk," replied the sign.
"Wow, I guess I should have said something earlier," said the box.
"Yeah, me too," the sign agreed. "It's silly that we were both right here all this time and never had a conversation."
There was a pause.
"So, uh, what do you want to talk about?" the box asked.
"I don't know," said the sign thoughtfully. "I guess I could ask why nobody's supposed to open you?"
"I don't know! You mean you don't know why that's painted on you?"
"Nope. No one told me."
There was another pause.
"I know!" said the box. "Let's go on a trip and find out why I'm not supposed to be opened!"
"All right! ROAD TRIP!"
And so the box and the sign went on a road trip. It lasted right until they found a car and realized that neither of them knew how to drive.
"Well, now what do we do?" asked the box.
"You could go to a movie," said the car. "I hear there's a new summer blockbuster coming out."
"Oh! Thanks for the idea!" the sign chimed in. "Um, do you know where the theater is?"
"Nope. Sorry," the car replied apologetically. "By the way, why shouldn't I open the box?"
"We don't know," the box and the sign said.
"Oh," said the car. "Let me know if you find out, then."
Suddenly, Santa Claus passed by.
"Ho ho ho!" Santa said. "So that's where the box went!" He looked at the sign. "Oh, drat. I forgot to write 'UNTIL CHRISTMAS' on it." He glanced at his watch. "Well, it's Christmas now! I guess I'll open it."
And so Santa opened the box. Inside was a DVD of the new hit movie.
"Wow! So that's what was inside!" the box said. "Can we watch it, Santa?"
"I don't see why not," Santa replied. He pulled a TV and a DVD player out of his sack and set them up.
Just as he was about to open the DVD case, though, there was a small high-pitched scream.
"Do you mind?" the DVD said. "I'm not ready yet!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Santa. "Let me know when you're done."
"Can I watch?" asked the TV. "I never get a chance to watch anything good."
"Man, you think you've got it rough," the DVD player grumbled. "I'm the one who has to do all the work."
"Yeah, well, you're both way too heavy," replied Santa's sack.
Santa sighed. Then his eyes suddenly widened.
"Wait a minute!" he shouted. "Boxes don't talk! Neither do signs, or cars, or DVDs, or television sets, or DVD players, or my bag of toys!"
"Really?" asked the box.
"That's right," Santa said. The box didn't reply.
"And come to think of it, I'm not even real!" Santa suddenly exclaimed. Then he vanished in a puff of logic.
A moment later, he reappeared.
"Oh, that's right!" he said with a laugh. "This is a story! Of course inanimate objects can talk and I can be real!"
"Yay!" said the box.
"Yay!" said the sign.
"Yay!" said the car.
"Yay!" said the DVD.
"Yay!" said the TV set.
"Yay!" said the DVD player.
"Yay!" said Santa's sack. "Wait, what are we cheering about?"
Nobody remembered. Then Santa had an idea.
"We must have been cheering because we were going to watch a movie!" he exclaimed. He put the DVD in the DVD player and turned it on.
They watched the movie. It wasn't that great.
"At least we didn't have to buy tickets," the car sighed afterwards.
"I'll try to get a better one next time," Santa apologized. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
And then Santa got in the car and drove off.
"I thought it was June," said the sign. "Also, it's only early evening."
"Well, this is the best Christmas in June I've ever had!" the box declared. Everyone laughed.
And while all that was happening, a universe exploded.

Ducks

The ducks were coming.
The warnings had been many, but in our folly, we had ignored them. And now we were to pay the price for our willful ignorance.
Of course, we all wondered how we could be so blind. They had been gathering right in front of our noses, in ponds, in flocks... and as they schemed against us, we fed them breadcrumbs.
We had thought it an act of kindness. But to the ducks, it was an act of war. Or perhaps they were merely bombarding our cities with enormous breadcrumbs out of a sense of irony; it was hard to be sure of their true motivations when the only words of explanation the enemy had to offer were "Quack quack!"
Their warships seemed unstoppable; conventional weapons didn't even scratch it. Every government authorized the use of nuclear weapons to fend off the threat, but it was too late; the ducks had already taken over every missile base on the planet.
Our doom was inevitable. The ducks had complete control. Even if we had a way to fight back, they could simply launch all the missiles and destroy us in one fell swoop.
Some wondered why they didn't. Did they want to watch us suffer? Did they want us as their servants? Did they fear nuclear radiation? Did they have an even more sinister plan in mind?
But such questions were mere distractions, a way to forget for a few moments that our doom was at hand. All hope was lost. The ducks had won, and we were helpless to change that.
Some refused to believe it. They grabbed whatever weaponry they could find, and rushed out, hoping to at least put a dent in the duck population before they were gunned down.
They didn't pluck so much as a single feather before they were gunned down. It only further revealed the hopelessness of the situation.
Night fell. The bombardment had slowed, but only because their was so little left to destroy. We still had no idea of their motives, no hope of fighting back, nothing save our fear.
And then, suddenly, a voice cried out from the tallest building. Upon hearing it, the duck forces quacked loudly and suddenly fled, their warships turning away, their forces leaving the base. We had been saved, and only in the morning did we learn by whom.
One brave woman had seen it all, seen the senseless destruction, the futile sacrifices, the unrelenting foe.
And yet she still had hope. And a plan.
She had climbed to the top of the tallest building in the city, carrying a megaphone. Exhausted, she nevertheless summoned the strength to say a single word, a word that drove the entire duck fleet away.
"GOOSE!"

The Wizards of Singapore

Part 1?

Orgendorf the Blue stepped off the plane and looked at his watch.
"Half past equinox," he muttered. "I'm running late."
"Orgendorf!" someone shouted. Orgendorf turned towards the voice, and saw Lumious Fragnt waving at him. He sighed; Lumious was always so irritably cheerful.
"I've no time for pleasantries, Fragnt," he grumbled, storming away even as the younger wizard rushed towards him. "My plane was late, and I have to hurry to the hotel if I'm going to be at my panel in time."
"Oh!" Lumious exclaimed. "You're doing a panel this year? I'll have to see that!"
"Then you'd best keep up. It's starting in fourteen minutes, and I'm not sure exactly where the convention center is. It's my first time in Singapore."
"Not to worry," Lumious said with a laugh. "I know how you can get there on time."
"How?" Orgendorf asked, puzzled.
"Don't you know the old saying? When in Singapore, sing!"
"I've never heard--"
Suddenly, two dozen wizards Orgendorf didn't recognize jumped out of the crowd and burst into song, with Lumious leading.

There is no contention
The Wizard Convention
Is the best time of the year!
Let's have no pretentions
The Wizard Convention's
No place to go for a beer!
But if you want magic,
The news is not tragic,
The Wizard Convention is here!

As the singing paused, Orgendorf noticed he was now in the convention center and blinked.
"How did we get here so--"
But Lumious held up a finger to Orgendorf's lips, and then continued the song.

If you want wands or scrolls,
Pet serpents or trolls,
It's on the convention floor!
Potions? Illusions?
No need for confusion,
We've got all this and more!
What's your intention?
It's at the Wizard Convention,
This year in Singapore!

Orgendorf stared. Somehow, over the course of the song, they'd made it to the panel. He looked at his watch; it had been less than five minutes.
"That's incredible!" he said. "How did we get there so fast?"
"That's how it works in Singapore!" said a passing wizard, laughing. "Oh, but be careful about doing it if you need to be outside."
"Oh, yes! I forgot to warn you about that," Lumious said quickly. "They've got another saying about Singapore you should know."
"It can wait," Orgendorf grumbled. He pulled out his key and unlocked the doors.
Then he saw the large hole in the roof and the pool of water on the floors. And the torrent of rain coming down.
"As I was saying," Lumious giggled. "In Singapore, when you sing, it pours!"

Still More Unicorns

Judge Galacticamaru was tired of being called on to judge stupid cases. He was also a unicorn.
"Before we begin, I have a question for both the prosecution and the defense," he stated simply. "Are you wasting my time yet again?"
"Objection!" shouted Sheinalica, who was the attractive and intelligent lawyer for the defense and also a unicorn. "When have I ever wasted your time?"
"I object more!" declared Dr. Commissioner James Gordon, who was the prosecutor. He was a no-nonsense lawyer who got results and also a unicorn. "I get results, don't I?"
"A better question, actually," Judge Galacticamaru said, holding his gavel thoughtfully. "Why are you defense and prosecution? I thought you two only handled lawsuits."
Sheinalica and Dr. Commissioner James Gordon just stared at Judge Galacticamaru.
"Don't you lawyers usually specialize? Especially prosecutors, you work for the government."
"I do?" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon asked, confused. "Since when?"
"Beggin' yer pardon, Mister Judge Galacticamaru, sir," said Blind George, who was a pirate and not a unicorn at all. "But I can be explainin' what be goin' on here. Y'see, yer honor, I think I sat down in the wrong seat. I be the prosecutor in this case, yarr."
"Oh," said Judge Galactiamaru. "That's... slightly less confusing. Then what's Dr. Commissioner James Gordon doing here?"
"I will explain!" declared Lumious Fragnt, who was a wizard and not a unicorn or a pirate. "With a song!"
"A song?" Judge Galactimaru asked, puzzled. "And who even are you?"
"I will answer that with my song, too!" Lumious declared.

Lumious Fragnt! That is my name,
And today, legal defense is my game!
Mr. Blind George has made a provocative claim:
There's been a crime, and these two are to blame!

But what is this breach of the law?
What was it that one witness saw?
This piece of evidence - has it a flaw?
All the conclusions are His Honor's to draw!

Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"So what you're saying is, Sheinalica and Dr. Commissioner James Gordon are the defendants in this case, you're their lawyer, and this pirate here is the prosecution, and everyone's sitting in the wrong seat."
"Yes, Your Honor."
"Couldn't you have done that without singing?"
Lumious looked confused.
"Wait. Are you saying this isn't Singapore?"
"Unless Singapore annexed Unicorn Land and I didn't hear about it, no, it is not."
"Arr! I be objectin'!" Blind George shouted at a nearby coatrack. "I been studyin' Singaporean law, not Unicorn Land law!"
"I as well!" Lumious declared. "Can we not try them by Singaporean law instead? It would be much simpler for us both."
Judge Galacticamaru held his head in his hands.
Then, suddenly, his mood brightened.
"Well!" he announced. "I was never appointed a judge in Singapore, so I guess that means you'll just have to settle this case without me. So long, everyone!"
"Objection!" interrupted Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. "We're being tried for practicing law without a license in Unicorn Land. Last I checked, that wasn't a crime in Singapore!"
"Objection!" declared Sheilanica. "I was going to make that objection!"
"Shiver me timbers, ye be right!" Blind George announced. "Well, then, I don't be havin' any case, yarr. The prosecution rests, yer honor."
"The defense rests as well!" added Lumious.
"Great," Judge Galacticamaru muttered, walking out of the courtroom. "Now just tell that to a Singaporean judge and leave me out of this."
Everyone sat around awkwardly.
"So, er," Blind George asked the witness stand. "Who be a Singaporean judge around here, arr?"

Meanwhile, Akwar the Orc Sorceror was waiting outside.
"I wonder when they'll call me in to do that witness thing," he said absentmindedly, as he petted Awkar the Orc Sorceror. "I was looking forward to it."

Gangsters

Donny "The Don" Donner had a problem. And when Donny had a problem, he called in the boys.
"Boys," Donny said calmly, "I have a problem. My tooth hurts."
"Uh-oh. I think I see where this is going," Ladyface said nervously. "You need an appointment with Fillings the dentist, right?"
"As always, Ladyface, you're more than just a pretty face. That's right, I need to see Fillings. But you know how backed up he is all the time. It could be weeks before his schedule's open, and I might have to sit in his waiting room for a whole hour. I'm a busy man, I don't have that kind of time."
"Busy with what?" Tommy "The Boyle" Michigan said with a sneer. "We're the ones who do all the work."
"And I'm the one who has to clean up after your messes," Donny snapped back. "Remember that mishap at Tony's Pizzeria?"
"Oh, come on, Donny! How was I supposed to know 'Hawaiian' meant 'ham and pineapple?"
"By using your brain and reading the goddamn menu, halfwit. But that's not what this meeting is about. We need a plan for getting me an appointment with Fillings no later than tomorrow. So tell me what you've got, boys."
"It'll be tough," Marcus "Bankster" Hunter said thoughtfully. "Fillings has the tightest security this side of Fort Knox. We can't pull the old fake schedule trick like we could with Doc Knuckles."
"We might have a shot if there's a cancellation," Ladyface suggested. "I ran into old Lefty Wright today outside Fillings' office. He said he'd come on the wrong day and had to go all the way over there again tomorrow."
"Perfect." Donny grinned. "Go pay Lefty a visit, boys. Maybe we can convince him it would be better for his health to reschedule."

"Reschedule?" Lefty growled. "I walked all the way over there today!"
"Yes, and that must have been quite a strain on your legs, Mr. Wright," Marcus replied. "At your age, you really ought to conserve your strength. Is it really going to help you to walk all the way over to Fillings' office two days in a row? Why, that's a good three miles!"
"And you have to walk back, too," Tommy added. "That's, uh... carry the two... almost five miles!"
"Plus, I hear the weather's not going to be too great," Ladyface said. "They're forecasting heavy rain. If you're out that long in the rain, you might catch pneumonia!"
Lefty growled.
"Pneumonia's better 'n this stupid toothache," he muttered. "I ain't cancelin'. One way or another, this damn tooth's gonna stop hurtin' tomorrow."
The boys went into a huddle.
"I think we got a problem here," Tommy said. "Tryin' to get Lefty to change his mind is like, uh... like pullin' teeth!"
"That's it!" Marcus exclaimed. "We'll pull his tooth out! Then it'll stop hurtin' and he won't have to go to the dentist!"
"Easier said than done," Ladyface interjected. "Lefty may like to open his big mouth, but that doesn't mean he's gonna let us in there."
The boys stared at Lefty. He had dozed off and was snoring, leaving his mouth wide open.
"Well, this'll be easy!" Tommy said, chuckling.
"No it won't, you dummy!" Ladyface scolded, punching him in the shoulder. "How are we gonna find out which tooth hurts while he's asleep?"
"I'll handle this," Marcus declared. "Stay back, this could get ugly."
Marcus walked over to Lefty and prodded him gently.
"Whaddaya want, sonny?" Lefty growled. "Can't you leave a man in peace?"
"Oh, uh, I was just wonderin' which tooth hurt, sir," Marcus said awkwardly.
"How's that any of your business, boy?" Lefty snarled.
"Uh, the Don's a real stickler for details, Mr. Wright," Marcus continued. "If I don't tell him which tooth it was, he's gonna get mad at me."
"Well, that's just too bad," Lefty grumbled. "Because I ain't tellin' you which tooth hurts. 'Sides, I bet you don't know nothin' about teeth. Probably can't even tell a bicuspid from a molar!"
The boys huddled again.
"Sorry, I tried," Marcus said apologetically. "Any other bright ideas?"
"Uh... we could knock all his teeth out?" Tommy suggested. "We'd be sure to get the right one."
"Tommy, you numbskull!" Ladyface replied. "How's he gonna tell Fillings he's cancellin' if he ain't got no teeth?"
Tommy reflected on this for a while.
"What if we taught him sign language?"
"Does Fillings even know sign language?"
"We could teach him, too."
Marcus and Ladyface sighed deeply.
"Tommy, do you know sign language?" Marcus asked.
"Uh, well, no."
"So who's gonna do the teaching?"
"I know sign language!" Lefty chimed in. "Who do I gotta teach?"
"Hey! What are you doin' in our huddle?" Ladyface protested. "You're not one of the boys!"
"Why not? I'm twice the boy you are!" Lefty declared proudly. "Just name me a job and I'll get it done."
The boys looked back and forth at each other for a few minutes, before Marcus finally broke the silence.
"Well, Lefty, let's see you prove it," he said. "See, the Don needs an appointment with Fillings, and he needs it tomorrow."
"Is that all?" Lefty laughed. "I can get that for ya, no problem. Hand me that phone, would you?"
Bemused, Tommy handed the phone to Lefty.
"Fillings? It's Lefty here. I don't need ya, you old blowhard! This toothache's nothin' compared to the war! I'm cancellin' right now! Yeah, you heard me! Three week wait? Bah, that's like a vacation after four months under artillery fire! Yeah, same to you!"
Lefty hung up and smirked at the boys.
"See? One cancellation, just like that. Nothin' to it. Now get outta my house!"
Before anyone could raise a word of protest, Lefty pushed the boys out onto the street. They stared at each other awkwardly.
"Someone should probably tell Donny?" Tommy finally said. "That empty slot'll fill fast, you know."

The next evening, Donny called another meeting. He was in an uncharacteristically good mood.
"Good work, boys," he said. "I don't know how you did it, but thanks to you - and Fillings, of course - my tooth's never felt better. This almost makes up for the mixup with my dry-cleaning last week."
"Hey, don't blame me!" Tommy shouted. "I gave that guy a lousy tip!"
"Be quiet, Tommy. Now, as I was saying, you deserve a reward for your good work. So I've decided to give you all a share of my candy stash."
Donny dumped a big pile of candy on the table.
"Help yourselves, boys."
The boys dug in, and then all shouted in pain.
"I think I broke a tooth!" Ladyface whimpered.
"I think I set a world record for fastest-forming cavity!" Marcus groaned.
"I'm allergic to licorice!" Tommy groaned. "Why'd I eat this stuff?"
Donny just laughed.
"Guess I'd better give Fillings a call!" he snickered. "Don't worry, boys, I'm sure I can grab you all spots before his vacation next month."
The boys groaned deeply. Donny "The Don" Donner had done it to them again.

Headache

Once upon a time, there was a headache. It hated everyone and wanted them to suffer.
But it was also very lazy, so it mostly just made one guy named Bob suffer and was satisfied with that.
Bob, naturally, didn't care much for this arrangement. So he went to the doctor.
"Doc, I have a headache," Bob grumbled.
"I'm afraid I have bad news for you, Bob," the doctor said, after a careful examination. "You have a lazy headache that wants everyone to suffer. If we don't keep it stuck in your head, it might take drastic action."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Bob said. "Can't I just take aspirin or something?"
"No, but we can put you to sleep until we find a safer place to keep the headache."
"But headaches aren't tangible ow," Bob protested, right as the doctor hit him on the head with a reflex-testing mallet. Then Bob reflexively fell unconscious.
When Bob finally woke up, he was amazed. His head didn't hurt at all!
"Amazing, Doc!" he said to the doctor. "I feel better than ever! What did you do?"
"We locked your headache away in that safe," the doctor said, pointing to it. "And next we're going to launch it into the sun."
Bob stared at the doctor skeptically.
"You're the craziest doctor I've ever met," he said after a lengthy pause. "But at least you got rid of my headache."
"Let me out of here!" the headache shouted from inside the safe. "I can't make anyone suffer from inside a safe!"
Unfortunately, the safe was soundproof, so nobody heard it and Bob continued to think his doctor was crazy. He turned down the offer to watch his headache get launched into the sun, and went back to his job at the headache factory.
He came back home with a headache.
"Great, it's back already," he grumbled. "Maybe I should find another line of work."
Then he heard the phone ring. Puzzled, he answered it.
"Hello?" he asked.
"Hello, Bob. This is the sun. I have a real whopper of a headache here, and I was wondering if you could recommend a good doctor."
Bob thought about this.
"Nah," he said. "Just a crazy one."
"Oh. Sorry to bother you, then."
"No, it's cool, I've got a headache myself. I know how they can be."
And then Bob and his new headache lived happily ever after.