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Sharkalien · 07-17-2016, 08:56 PM

SpoilerShow

It was a dark and stormy night.

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Though not quite.

For you see, it was day.

>Househeld

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A birthday, in fact, of this strapping young man standing before us. His sixteenth birthday, to be precise, the 31st of March, 2015. Though it was sixteen years ago he was given life, he has not yet bothered to learn his name!

Care to remind him of it?

>Enter name.

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No, that's not it. Try again.

>Try again.

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Has a nice ring to it, but still no.

>Try again, again.

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You know what? Forget it. Hold on, where is it...

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Aha, there it is! You dig up your HONORARY PLACRONYM from your CLOSET and put it on top of your CABINET.

>Examine room.

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Your name is LEONARDO (also intimately known as LEO). As was previously mentioned, it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of INSTRUMENTS are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY EXCELLENT MOVIES. You like to program, draw, and compose music on computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring WEB ARTIST. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

>Leo: Take keyboard from under bed and play some sick jams.

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How can you play a single instrument when you've nary an arm, shitprince!

>Leo: Retrieve arms from cabinet.

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Your ARM is in your OUTTA SPACE CHEST, snackstain!

>Leo: Retrieve arm from SPACE CHEST.

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You retrieve your REMOTE-CONTROLLED ARM from the chest. You made it yourself as a little side project!

There are other items in the chest.

>Leo: Who cares. Just play on your little keyboard already.

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Yeesh, alright, no need to get ANTSY.

You captchalogue the arm and remote glove in your SYLLADEX, using your RHYME DISASSOCIATION modus. Here's a brief rundown on how it works: whenever you captchalogue something, you assign it a word (usually what the item is called for convenience). The next object you captchalogue should have no obvious association to its predecessor. The first second card has to rhyme with the item right below it, and so does the first final card.

Say you captchalogue some LASAGNA. The card below it must contain an item that rhymes with it. A glass of water, or rather AQUA, will do just nicely.

>Leo: Yeah, cool. That instrument won't play itself, you know.

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Oh, would you look at that. You don't have enough SHITPOINTS for a sick KEYBOARD SOLO right now. Try shitting around in your room some more to grind up some SHITPOINTS, greasegrowth.

Well, you guess you could always BUY shitpoints, but where's the fun in that?

>Leo: You look EXACTLY like this other guy I know...

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HARRY POTTER, right? Yeah, you get that a lot.

It's almost as if the AUTHOR, J.K. ROWLING, had intentionally modeled her character after YOU this whole time. You are very certain of this theory.

>Leo: Rip Troll poster off the wall. What a terrible movie.

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HARRY POTTER JUNIORRRR...

HARRY POTTER JUUUNNIIOOOORRRR...

Sorry, but you must be thinking of another movie. TROLL is one of the BEST fantasy movies you have ever seen in your ENTIRE LIFE. When TOROK sacrificed all his hard work to save the life of WENDY, your heart just BROKE.

TROLL 2 was good in its own respect, even though it had nothing to do with TROLL 1. Your mind was absolutely BLOWN AWAY at the "NILBOG" being backwards for "GOBLIN" revelation.
WOW, who came up with that??

But yeah, you're told to tear these posters down on a regular basis.

>Leo: Look fondly upon the Windows 95 poster.

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IT'S NEVER SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

Ah yes, a poster of the blog that has provided you with countless TIPS, TRICKS, and TWEAKS to get the most out of your WINDOWS 95 computer.
That is, if you had one.

Purchased from the devil himself.

(By whom you mean BILL GATES.)

>Leo: Examine calendar.

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You've marked your birthday, the 31st of March. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been four days already. That's like, a WEEK in kid years.
It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

>Leo: Search the skies for aliens.

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Finally, the single good idea you've had all day!

==>

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Too bad it's too rainy to see any unidentified freaky objects zipping around, clearly anyway.

Huh? What was that?
You could've sworn you saw something.
Whatever it was, there is nothing there now. Maybe it was only a trick of the light.

Or perhaps not.

>Leo: Come back down to earth.

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You get your head out of the sky and look down towards your yard.

The tree is barren, free of any leaves or tire swings. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is your mailbox.

>Leo: Examine mailbox.

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Oh sweet, the little red arm-swingy-lever-dealy is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!

>Leo: Go outside and check mailbox.

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You are about to hurry downstairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your MOM has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great, she is beating you to the mail. Now you'll never get your hands on the beta.

==>

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The requisite for shitpoints has never been more dire.

Sharkalien · 07-17-2016, 09:14 PM

SpoilerShow

>Leo: Perform a magical pirouette swan-dive out of the window and obtain the beta yourself.

waht a eggscellent idea

>Leo: Your Mom must be confronted; The fastest route is out and down; Defenestrate yourself; You've got some Falling to Do.

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hopy shit

==>

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the earf sawllohws you hole!!!!!

your fuckig dead

>Go back

>Leo: Prostrate yourself to MOM and beg for the mail.

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If you go down stairs to get it, she will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are stuck in this room. Held, if you will, in a sense which possibly fringes on the eponymous.

Looks like a chum is trying to get in touch with you. You ought to tell them how IT is about to HIT the FAN in your house.

Whatever. You got worthless shitpoints to rack up first.

>Leo: Examine Mouth Sounds poster.

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You climb up onto your bed to get a real good look of this real good-looking poster.

==>

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Oh, NEIL. How can we be as glorious as you?

THE MAN, THE LEGEND, and THE BRAINS behind the "MOUTH" series and SHITPOINTS™ system. Ever since the debut of MOUTH SOUNDS last year, he's been churning out mashup albums like there's no tomorrow!
Here are just a couple he's put out so far:

SpoilerShow

Honestly, you'd prefer a new LEMON DEMON album over a joke one any day, but you'll take what you can get.

You just hope he's content with all the shitpoints he's rolling in.

>Leo: Kiss the Cicierega poster in the interest of gaining said points.

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You consider kissing the poster strictly for the purpose of a SHITPOINT TRANSACTION, but it occurs to you that might be a bit too pleasurable? If anything, it would COST shitpoints.

But... those lips...

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They're so lush and plump...

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You KISS the man on the lips, SHITPOINTS BE DAMNED.

This goes on for a good three minutes.

Okay, that's enough of that. You're going to ruin the poster.

>Leo: Level up!

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You reach the prestigious ASSGENIE rank and are awarded TWO (2) TURD TOKENS for the vapid deed.

Hey, now you can afford that keyboard solo!

>Leo: Don ye mechanical arm and slay the mother beast, retrieve thine treasure post haste.

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But there's still not enough for a favorable fight, or even whatever the hell KITE SAILING is.

God, why do you even bother?? At this rate, you'd have gained enough points to momentarily almost smile by the age of 80!

==>

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What you need is an edge over her. Something you can't get from an arbitrary bullshit game construct. Something...

Outta this world.

>Leo: Examine contents of OUTTA SPACE CHEST.

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In here you keep an array of artistic and whimsical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a WICKED MUSICIAN or a STUNNING JACK OF ALL TRADES.

You are a master of none.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: ONE (1) R/C ARM and REMOTE GLOVE [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED TOGETHER IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) STANDARD DECK OF CARDS, ONE (1) TOY ACCORDION, ONE (1) ALIEN ANTENNAE HEADBAND, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, ONE (1) MODEL FLYING SAUCER, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, ONE (1) COPY OF "90'S DESIGN 101", and ONE (1) COPY OF "THE BERENSTEIN BEARS' COMPUTER TROUBLE", BY JAN AND MIKE BERENSTEIN.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the BLOOD CAPSULES.

>Leo: Grab a weapon and confront your Mother. Preferably an incredibly shitty weapon, like that guitar standing against your wall.

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It's a keytar numbnuts.

THE MOST SHOCKING TWIST YET.

You allocate your MIDI KEYTAR to your STRIFE DECK.

>Leo: Examine blue music note.

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That's just your OTAMATONE (オタマトーン), and alongside it your STYLOPHONE, two toy instruments of sweet analog goodness. You just wish the Otamatone had a polyphonic keyboard instead of a ribbon controller, and that the Stylophone didn't need a stylus to play notes.

If only you could combine the characteristics of two or more objects, like a keyboard and a guitar. WOW, wouldn't that be something?

>Leo: Investigate brown specks leading up to your window sill.

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Whoa, how did you not notice this earlier? A large trail of ANTS coming through a crack in your windowsill is kind of a hard thing to miss.

They seem to be amassing towards a specific point...

==>

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No wonder there are so many ants, there's a fucking open bag of FRUIT GUSHERS. How long has this been here?? That's not even same font they use anymore!

Wait a minute... is that... Shrek?
That movie came out in 2001.

Has this box of hexagonal fruit snacks really been back here for 15 years?

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

SpoilerShow

juddy555 · 07-21-2016, 02:07 AM

>Claim yon Gushers, surely they must still be good if the ants want them.
+1 reader.