Mini-Grand 5101 [Round 3: Xilyon Odyssey]

Originally posted on MSPA by Pinary.

---

"Wow, that was fun! Time to go, though!"

The surviving three contestants were instantly taken from the scene, once more suspended in nothingness. It was a brief stay, however- soon, they were whisked away again to somewhere else entirely. It was a quaint little town, plainly primitive (both culturally and technologically), and its population probably numbered in the low hundreds at most.

"Ooh, a medieval village! It's called... Oh, I don't know, it's not important! Look at the peasants! They're all... dirty... and sick. This doesn't seem very fun anymore. I bet the legends of a dragon nearby are dumb too."

The Administration Personality stopped there, just scattering the contestants somewhere around the village and most likely going for a simulated sulk.

Show Content

SpoilerRound two is also going to be one month long, but the word limit is now 750 words per post. Enjoy!

Originally posted on MSPA by Lankie.

---

Well that was disappointing.

Deathwing assumed that a man who could constantly revive (he figured it was Bartleby, he did look a mighty bit odder than the others) would prove a little more difficult to kill. Instead he died the same way every other second rate being does when confronted with hot, fiery, explosive, plasma based energy. It wasn’t the fact that he had been killed (he was pretty happy about that really); it was the fact that he was killed so quickly, especially for something that was put in competition with him.

Conveniently, dissatisfaction was replaced by reality warping befuddlement, as Deathwing suddenly found himself in a haystack. A stack which swiftly set on fire as Deathwing’s jets were still turned on. The Cyborg burst out of the flaming pile of dried grass with little grace, wildly patting out any of the flaming debris on him. He took a moment to try and find a line of logic which would explain how he ended up from the Titanic, to a barn, but his admittedly straight forward mind eventually gave up.

“What the ‘ell’s goin on in ‘ere!” An old, bearded fellow crashed through the ramshackle doors, pitchfork in hand, “I swear if it those Harlow twins again I-‘ll-I” The aged farmer trailed off as he saw the demonic visage of Deathwing looming in front of him. The old coot went sickly pale and dropped his makeshift weapon. “F-forgive me, Devil! I-I did not mean –I did not know I-“ He fumbled round his already limited vocabulary in horror, eventually dropping to his knees and praying to the cybernetic man. “Please spare my life, oh mighty Demon! I-I’ll do anything! Please!”

Deathwing sighed loudly. From the basic clothing and Neanderthal level of speech he had gone even further back in time, meaning more terribly basic, no-upgrade, humans to kill again, something that was getting rather old, quite fast. Deathwing raised his Death Cannon at the pathetic excuse of a man, ready to execute him there and then; however he hesitated as he thought of the situation he was in.

If he had been teleported here, then surely the Game Boy and the Bird would be here too. He once again looked at the bearded farmer, now shivering in fear; Deathwing cracked a smile as he formulated a plan. “Anything, you say?”

“Yes, please, just spare me your wrath, Oh mighty fiend!”

“…Could you round up a posse?”

“A-a posse?”

Deathwing smashed his metal fist into some brittle woodwork to punctuate his words. “A group, a gang, an angry mob!”

“Y-yes! I-I-I-I can do that! F-for what?”

The Cyborg’s smile broadened, “I want you to hunt down a man and a bird…”

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

"AW GOD! Who the hell simulates horseshit?!"

On the plus side, he now had the perfect metaphor to describe Xilyon Odyssey to his fans.

Nathan would have been incredulous even if he wasn't struggling out of a pile of pungent horse dung. Just as events were starting to gain a semblance of game direction, he'd been simply spirited somewhere else before a single thing could come of it. How could the designers have been this bad? Was it really just incompetence?

Being warped face-first into a pile of manure, however, gave him an entirely different perspective. Matrix VR, in what was ostensibly a PR move, had given Nathan Xander the sole responsibility for outside knowledge and promotion of their new game, publicly, days ahead of time. They even brought out a heavily customized VR sphere to enhance this company-critical, one-time experience. And now, this effort had culminated in lobbing him into a pile of horse excrement.

This had surpassed incompetence. It was malicious.

As Nathan washed the simulated muck off his upper body with a nearby bucket of simulated water – of questionable simulated cleanliness – he ran through the possibilities in his mind. Was this a prank? Had someone sabotaged the demo? If so, why hadn't Matrix VR staff pulled the plug? They should have been able to see every move he made inside the simulation!

He should probably just declare the emergency exit code and give them all a piece of his mind... but, no. Not yet. There was still a slight chance that this was all some elaborate failure at procedural event generation, or some such. And if this was really a legitimate demo of Xilyon Odyssey, his fans wouldn't forgive him for quitting halfway through. He wouldn't risk that chance.

And besides, he thought to himself, hoisting his newly acquired harpoon gun off the stable's floor. I'd rather not leave until I've put this through that cyborg bastard's chest!

---

So Bartleby had just run off anyway. While frustrating, it was actually refreshing to encounter some genuine railroading in this non-plot. Reminded him that the designers were there, that they had at least some idea of where this was supposed to go... right?

Nathan charged down the Titanic's grand stairwell, only to nearly crash into some stocky fellows carrying harpoon guns. Jackpot.

"Give me one of those harpoons." He leveled his rifle at the trio, attempting to look as menacing as a round-faced young man could look.

The trio stood stock-still, gazing at the strange kid and his incomprehensible weapon. "Told ya it was a mutiny," Charles quipped quietly to Lawrence.

"I said drop the harpoons!" Nathan punctuated his demand with a burst of warning fire above their heads; he didn't want to risk actually murdering them, in case Bartleby changed his mind and ran back around to witness it.

As the men jumped back from his strange gun, an older gentleman rounded the corner behind Nathan. "DON'T listen to him! He's in league with the hooved demon!"

Nate turned, recognizing the old man as half of the couple from near the ship's bow. Hooved what now? Huh?

Charles – the only one of the three men unburdened by a harpoon launcher – took this opportunity to leap at Nate. They fell together and began to tumble back down the stairwell, knocking over a shocked Lawrence and the launcher he held. The well leveled off at the next deck, depositing the three of them; Nathan finally drew his knife to threaten Charles, forcing his aggressor to separate as he lifted himself and reached for the fallen harpoon.

"Hands in the air, pink-eyed devil-worshipper!" Michael had trained his harpoon gun on Nathan.

Rifle dangling from its strap and unavailable, Nate simply dove for the fallen harpoon gun, rolled with it, and attempted to draw his sidearm on Michael as he came out of the roll. Too slow.

Michael fired, a harpoon on a cord zipping through the air where Nathan had been. To everyone's surprise, he'd vanished.

---

Nathan started to examine his new surroundings in earnest. He'd woken a few horses, apparently. The dusk sky illuminated some houses, the nearest of which was right next to the "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY STABLE?!"

A tall man had appeared from the nearest house, sporting robes, a gray beard, a wizard hat, and a staff illuminating the area with its glowing tip.

Nathan heaved a loud sigh. Cliché after cliché after cliché.

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

If any villager were around, they would see quite the oddity. Lying in the dark alley would be the largest bird any villager would have seen. Had anyone seen it, the first thing to come to mind would be how many days it would feed them. However, no villager was around to be shocked at the sleeping bird because no villager would dare come close to this dark alley, especially this close to the night.

Laying above the alley, watching down with it's yellow eyes is a cat. The only black cat in the village. As it went down to the bird who had appeared in it's usual quick and slick fashion, the feline meowed to the moon. Or at least that is what an onlooker would have seen. In reality the cat was calling someone, not just anyone, but a someone, a someone who is the reason why the alley is feared.

Had there been anyone around they would have seen a flash and some smoke come from the alley, they would have heard an indescribably dark sound. And then as they heard the first footstep hit the stone floor, they would have heard something that has no business being in that time, but that the someone could care less about.

Walking out from thin air, to a theme that she sees as made for her, with a single exception, was a tall, beautiful, and smirking woman, dressed completely in black with her hair as dark as the sky and flowing down wonderfully. Taking care to have each step as graceful as the last, The Witch walked down to the hurt bird spirit and ruffled it's feathers, rubbing the creature with her soft and perfect hands. The Witch stood up and with a snap of her fingers, she, her cat, and the bird were gone from the alley.

-------

"Oh, I don't know how long the poor thing will stay like that Diana, we will just have to wait and see."
Diana only purrs in reply.

Still a bit woozy from being shot, Kekarie stands and looks around to find itself in a nice and cozy room. Standing on top of a rug and staring at the lady and cat who had been speaking moments before, Kekarie stares angrily about to charge.

The Witch however, ignored the attitude and gleefully lunged at the bird. "Aww, you are awake you cute thing, I noticed you were hurt so I made you a little something nice, here, it tastes great!" Procuring a mug of a hot and golden liquid from no where in particular and putting it in the birds direction.
After a few moments, the bird decided that with the cozy atmosphere and nice smell of the drink (and how pretty that lady was), was enough to trust her.
After Kekarie accepted and ingested the drink, The Witch smiled from ear to ear.

Feeling stronger than before and chipper, Kekarie stood up tall and began to turn to leave when, The Witch loosened her smile and sweetly said, "Stay."

And Kekarie did just that.

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

Boy, these devs sure love their anachronism.

The humble abode of Berlin Baga- sorry, 'BERLIN BAGAVOUNCE THE FIFTEENTH' - was filled with a mishmash of useless and semi-mystic garbage from all time periods and corners of the world. Broken crystal balls and RC cars of various sizes cluttered the floor, most with dead batteries hanging out (including some of the crystal balls). Dusty bookshelves clung desperately to a mess of disorganized tomes, tax papers, scrolls, and stamp collections. A gramophone belted a fuzzy-sounding record of a woman singing, skipping backward every eight seconds or so; the wizard didn't seem to notice the error. Giant pots bubbled putrid brews of every variety in the back, while a nearby George Foreman grill was busy cooking French toast. Authentic-looking pages from Da Vinci's journal plastered one wall, next to an autographed poster of Elvis Presley. An enormous claymore jutted out at an angle from a ponderous boulder near the entrance; as they entered, Berlin hung his wizard hat and (horrifyingly) his robe from the sword's hilt, revealing a sweat-stained wifebeater and heart-patterned boxers.

The round-bellied, scraggly-bearded old man took a seat in a plush recliner, reached into an eternally-steaming ice golem's head on the floor, pulled a pair of beers from the eye socket, and unceremoniously tossed one at Nate. "Sit the hell down," he chided in a codgery, annoyed tone.

Nathan complied, setting his equipment down before seating himself in a rickety rocking chair. They cracked their beers open and took some sips. Berlin sighed gruffly.

"So... dimension hopper, I take it?"

"Huh? Er... yeah."

"Yeah. Fucking hoppers barging in all the damn time, all this magic crap attracts them or some shit. Having you selfish bastards in for a beer seems to be the easiest on my goddamn back, though having nothing worth stealing certainly helps."

"Even tried poisoning you guys, too," – Nathan nearly choked on his swig of beer – "-but that leaves fucking corpses. And more corpses means more fucking mobs. Can't these idiots go without forming a mob every goddamn month? 'Ooh, bad mister wizard's smelly brews must be causing a plague'," he mocked as he gestured to the noxious cauldrons at the far end of the room, "even though we pay him to keep a FUCKING DRAGON away with them! 'Ooh, bad mister wizard turned my prized bull into a newt!' Well WHERE THE FUCK ELSE was I supposed to get a newt? Do you know how many goddamn recipes call for goddamn eye of newt? Why the FUCK don't they use a more common ethereal binder than fucking newt eye? I don't see any goddamn newts around this town, do you? But every recipe, even the ones that pretentious bastard Theomore just the town over writes, calls for EYE OF FUCKING NEWT. So either I do days of alchemy and..."

Nathan resorted to tuning out the old-timer entirely. Occasionally he'd attempt to interject and explain what he knew about his situation, but the wizard kept on ranting, apparently quite hard of hearing. Nate took his time relaxing, gazing at the room's oddities, rifling through some of the junk on a side-table near him – Look at all these cassettes! I mean, Tom Jones? How much did they spend on licensing for this shitty game? – and gradually finishing off his beer.

As he downed the last drops, flickering torchlight from out the window caught their attention. "So I slept with his mother and... oh GOD DAMNIT SON OF A BITCH! Go hide in the stairway, I've got this shit."


Outside, a small group had branched from the larger mob to check the wizard's house, while others were busy checking other abodes. This group was clearly hesitant; they drew straws before sending a terrified blonde man with an enormous adam's apple up to the door. Berlin swung it open before he could knock.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THIS TIME?"

"W- well, there was a d-demon, a-and, uh-"

"GODDAMNIT SPIT IT OUT!"

"Uh um WE'RE LOOKING FOR A LARGE BIRD AND A YOUNG MAN WITH PINK EYES!"

"YOU WANT PINK EYES SO GODDAMN MUCH? IRIDES ROSEUS!" Berlin slammed his staff into the man's midsection, sending him tumbling from the porch as a puff of smoke enveloped him. When he struggled to his feet, the man's eyes were pink.

"NOW GET OFF MY GODDAMN PORCH!" The door slammed shut again.


"Christ, boy, what the hell did you do? At this rate, they'll all want pink eyes!"

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

Kekarie was not amused. Tricked into performing the bidding of a Witch was not at all something it wanted to do.
“Stay.”
And Kekarie did. It stayed in the house at least.
As soon as her back was turned, Kekarie lunged at The Witch, trying to attack her with his beak, the witch simply turned to smoke. Moving and engulfing her new pet within her form in an attempt to suffocate him, Kekarie, being a wind spirit, and not exactly needing to breathe, simply grew angrier.
As Kekarie shot out the air bullets, The Witch was content with her newest servant, reforming back to normal and simply telling Kekarie “stop.”
And to its dismay, it did.

Moments later, The Witch decided she would freshen up for a bit while the potion settled in, and she left Kekarie alone in the cabin, with orders to “stay on the carpet”. Sitting down and scratching its head with its third arm, Kekarie took a good look around the abode of The Witch.
It was a rather nice home, but there wasn’t a lot of furniture, just a sofa and a coffee table. Across from the sofa was a large metal screen. Further back was more of the home, where The Witch and her cat had retreated for the moment. Turning around, Kekarie saw what it thought was a fireplace, however, upon taking a closer look, it saw flowing lava over a grate. Above this lava-place, were a few pictures, one of which seemed to be a younger witch across from a man in an odd robe.

Feeling the potion growing in strength and definitively not wanting to deal with witch again, Kekarie, gripped the carpet and bent its legs. Looking upwards and shooting out an air bullet large enough to break through the roof, Kekarie spread its wings and began to fly out of the stupid cabin and into freedom!

Or at least it wished it did. Upon leaping up with the carpet gripped tight, Kekarie was brought right back down to the floor. And having seen the whole thing, The Witch, voluptuous as ever, and now fresh as a daisy, slid into the room and walked over to her bird. Continuing her steady steps, she took the picture of her and the man in the robe. “Oh, memories. I bet you are just wondering all about this picture aren’t you?”
Kekarie, for the record, couldn’t care less, but it wasn’t exactly in a position to respond.
“Yes, yes, yes, now come with me and listen as I tell you the tale of the most horrible man to ever walk this Earth... and why I love him.”

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

"OW FUGCH TOO FUWGHNG HOHT!"

Berlin coughed up chunks of fresh French toast amid a stream of curses. Those that didn't stick to his beard littered the floor, where a pair of purple rats scurried out to devour them. Nathan took this as a sign that it was safe to descend from the stairway.

"Excuse me, Berlin", he asked as the wizard cracked open a second beer to soothe his tongue, "but you should really listen to-" "Bring in a shovelful of horseshit for me from the stables, I'll hear what you have to fucking say."

After realizing this wasn't a metaphor, Nathan complied.


At Berlin's direction, he upended the manure into a bubbling orange cauldron that smelt of dying skunk feces. Nathan had given up at imagining why any game outside the atmospheric horror genre would bother with such eye-watering odors. "What the hell is this stuff?"

"Yeah, it's nasty. You'll get used to it like the rest of the town has. The fumes this mixture sends out" – he gestured to the cracked-open windows – "go goddamn everywhere. If this spell isn't titrated and boiling twenty-four seven, we have ourselves a fucking dragon."

Berlin stirred it with the manure shovel, then turned his attention to the brew in the cauldron next to it: a sickeningly brown mixture he stirred with a ladle. Nate recoiled as the wizard lifted it and sipped. "This one's tea! Easier to brew it in bulk." Berlin smacked his lips thoughtfully, and then upended the remainder of his second beer into the pot. "There, needs a little buzz. Got plenty if you want some." Nathan declined.

"So yeah, that fucking dragon." The wizard filled himself a NO. 1 BOSS mug. "Black as night, huge as hell, fire-breathing piece of work. Townsfolk don't tithe me enough to keep it away! 'Course I'm the reason it's here in the first place..."

"...wait, what?"

"No no no, it's not like that, goddamnit! It'd be anywhere I'd move, and burn shit down if I left. It's... complicated. Actually, that's damn well enough about me. Why the fuck's the town looking for you?"

Oh, now he listens. Should have tried uncomfortable questions earlier. "Not sure, but I'm not the only one here. There's a..." "Giant bird?" "Yeah, a bird, a redheaded guy, and a murderous cyborg. We were taken for some reason, a battle, and switch to a new location whenever... someone dies, I think? So one died, then we were here?" Come to think of it, which one? The cyborg couldn't have gone down, so either Bartleby or the bird... and the townsfolk mentioned a bird. Guess I really was supposed to keep him with me. Poor, dumb, suicidal side-character. Oh well.

"So... you want to hunt them down, I take it?"

"The cyborg, yeah. He's a monster. I'd rather ally with the others. And live, of course." Nathan picked up his rifle and hit the nano-reloader for effect. "Not that living will be too much of a problem."

Berlin nearly spat out his tea in laughter, missing an opportunity to wash the toast out of his beard. "You're gonna fight with that?!"

"What? It's an advanced rifle, an MG-" "Heckler and Koch em-gee-nine, yeah yeah. Nice gun, though I don't really care for the timeframe; world's so damn corporatist then, it's a total bore. More importantly, it's a fake. Someone pawned off a VR toy on you."

Um, yeah? I know? Why the hell is he meta- "Don't believe me, eh? Here." Berlin smacked the status button on the side of the rifle.

A hardlight-nanomesh display window unfolded, floating about an inch from the gun's left side. Various options and readings were listed on it: most prominently, that the ammo counter was infinite (?), the firing mode was 'demo' (!), and – in big, bright red letters – "NOT SYNCED WITH ANY COMPATIBLE VR SPHERE".


This is the worst fucking game you have ever played.

Originally posted on MSPA by Lankie.

---

Show Content

SpoilerCut short due to word limit hurp-a-durp.

Deathwing perched himself, rather overdramatically, on the steeple of an antique church. He gazed down at the criminally uneducated masses, crowds highlighted with torchlight, spreading through the village like ants. He allowed himself the sweet taste of a well executed plan; it would only be a matter of time until they find one of them.

The sweet taste quickly turned sour as Deathwing found out that medieval peasants do not make a good workforce, at all. For a Cyborg who was used to the ultra fast solutions of highly advanced machinery, this was glacial. It certainly didn’t help that the senseless mob were so effortlessly distracted and confounded by the most mundane of things. Deathwing brought a metallic hand to his face, to think he was like these people at some point.

Meanwhile, on a distant hill overlooking the quaint village, a large silhouette on horseback draws near. His shape produced an aura of heroic gallantry, no; it was something far grander than that.

It was the aura, of JUSTICE.

The Cybernetic soldier descended to the dense posse, making sure to eviscerate the nearest person upon landing. He grabbed a more intact peasant and effortlessly lifted the man to the air. “Why haven’t you found them yet?”

<font color="brown">“I-I’m sorry, w-we can’t find anyone with pink e-“

Deathwing relinquished the poor man of his larynx before he could even finish. He was in no mood to dealing with these pathetic excuses for humanity and was this close to killing everything in the three mile radius. “And the bird?”

The Mob all looked down to their feet and shuffled uncomfortably in unison. “I-it’s a gigantic, obnoxious bird monster, how could you NOT see it? HOW?” Again, no answer.

“ Is there anyone here who is even vaguely competent!?” </font>

“Did somebody say COMPETENT!?”

Deathwing slowly turned round; ready to unleash a torrent of rage towards whoever said that. What the Cyborg was not expecting was a large shield being smashed into his face. The cybernetic man stumbled clumsily backwards, blood streaming out of his nose; his face was a mixture of pure hate and complete bafflement that someone actually caused him to bleed.

“Fear not, dirty citizens of this unclean land!” Said a man in an agonisingly smug voice, “I shall save you from this demon spawn of the Dragon!” Deathwing glanced up to the source of such an annoying sound, A large man, dressed fully in impossibly shiny armour stood before him. The man sported a quiff and bright white smile that should be impossible for the timeline he was in, in his hands, a shield that shone like a mirror and a highly ornate blade that, to be honest, looked pretty cheap.

Deathwing hated him instantaneously.

“BUT, who am I you say?” No one actually said this, everyone was either still in shock of the man or paralysed with fear from the demon with the violent nose bleed. “I am the legendary, the heroic, the exceptionally talented and sexy…

SIR KAIDEN VON STORMBLADE!“

Sir Stormblade pulled what could only be described as his best heroic pose, suddenly, a bard burst into the scene, as if on cue.

[color=#green]“Stormblade, Stormblade, the legend is here!
His great and mighty presence reduces maidens to tears!
Stormblade, Stormblade, true hero of this and that!
If you don’t like Sir Stormblade then clearly you’re a tw-“[/color]

The bard, unfortunately could not complete his little ditty, as he had been reduced to a pile of gore, Deathwing pointed his cannon towards the insufferable knight, “Give me one good reason to not kill you right now.”

“Yo-“

“Too slow.”

The Cyborg released a full volley of pure destructive energy towards the man in literal shining armour; such was the measure of Deathwing’s hate for everything ever at that moment. The standard reaction to Deathwing’s energised cannon rounds making contact with anything generally was a violent and satisfying explosion. However Sir Kaiden Von Stormblade(!) did not explode, instead the orbs of pure destructive energy harmlessly bounced of his shinning mirror shield. Harmlessly in this case being reflected haphazardly into the sides of buildings and groups of peasants, but in terms of people that actually matter, no one was harmed.

“Foolish fool! I am the sentinel of JUSTICE! Your demonic magicks cannot harm me! Now tell me fiend: What is the riddle to opening the volcanic lair of the DRAGON QUEEN!”

Deathwing simply stood in a complete stupor, the only thing he managed to say was an uncharacteristically quiet “what.”

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

The Witch spewed out her "sorry" tale while Kekarie unwillingly listened.
"Oh, how long has it been since that fateful encounter? It was just an ordinary day in Pompeii, the two of us had just graduated out of our respective schools of magic and he was out and about doing some kind of gambling or somethingIdon’tknow. The important thing is, that he was there, and he wasn’t there for me. It is such a shame that man, so daft, he wasn’t really willing to look for what was in front of him, oh how many things we had to go over, but I digress."

<font color="#B2A807">As The Witch’s tale continued and her potion continued to take effect, Kekarie was obviously getting feistier. While it was forced to stay and listen, it hadn’t been given a time frame for either; unfortunately, it seemed that he was compelled to simply stay put and not attempt to run. Which, to be honest, was all it could have done. Had it attempted to run away, it would have just been moments before the stupid witch called him back. However little Kekarie was paying attention, one thing was obviously implanted in its mind. There was a Wizard. And perhaps he could help him.

"Now, we had a grand old time after that unfortunate eruption -totally not my fault- all over the world, it was lovely." The Witch closes her eyes and rocks her head, reminiscing over her good times. "The Tower of Pisa, The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, Elvis’ Last Concert", The Witch continued her babbling for some time. "Oh", she later continued, "we had our bad times, but they were outweighed by the good! Especially after we had the baby..." She pointed at a picture of a young child and with the flick of a wrist, it was in her hands. It was a gray-scale picture of a young boy, smiling with The Witch and Berlin right behind him.

By the time she got to this part of her story, Kekarie was barley awake. It had somewhat survived "listening" to the rest of the tale with some carefully placed nodding, but as the Witch studied her new pet closer, she began to clench her teeth.

"Oh, is that how you are going to be you feathery asshole? No!" She said in an angry tone, "you are going to listen carefully."

This was, unfortunately, all that was required to make Kekarie reluctantly listen to her, to its increasing dismay.

"Now where was I.. Ah yes, my son. He was such a nice lad, too nice at times. Oh it was a nice few years of child raising me and Berlin had. We had something special, we really did." As she finished her sentence, The Witch began to tear up. "It was so sad how he just dumped me and destroyed so many years of marriage, just because I ate our son." After that, The Witch’s tears developed into full-fledged sobbing.</font>

Upon hearing the end of her story, Kekarie’s eyes almost popped out of its skull. Eating ones young is not unheard of in animals, certainly, but there was something about the way she presented it that had caused such a look of shock. It was after this that Kekarie knew what it had to do. The Witch was obviously insane. From what the wind spirit could make out of her sobs, after calming down, it would be sent to do something for her, confront the wizard or something similar. As The Witch continued her sobbing words, Kekarie only hoped that whatever orders given to it would be vague enough for it to plot around them.

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

"...So what the hell is it?"

Nathan held up what looked like a gaudy shotgun-shaped Super Soaker with a bundle of straw stuffed into the open tank. The words "HERBAGE AVENGER" were scrawled across its flank in bright purple marker.

"No fucking clue. All I remember is it's dangerous, stupid, magic as all hell, and I've been trying to get rid of it for decades."

"So is it loade-" "DON'T fucking pull the trigger in here, goddamnit! I keep the dragon suppressed for thirteen years straight and you're just raring to... ah fuck it. Listen, you use the underside pump to reload, and no, before you ask, I don't know what the fuck it reloads with. Straw I'd guess, from the look of it."

"Also..." Berlin dipped what looked like some sort of grenade casing into his orange anti-dragon brew. Filled, he took a dropper to another cauldron and dripped something green into the grenade, causing a puff of purple smoke that somehow smelled nastier than anything else Nate'd smelled today. "Here's a subversum 'nade. Like pepper spray to anything inherently magic. If you ever run into her, use that and run."

Berlin screwed together and tossed him the grenade. "Who's 'her'?"

"A batshit crazy bitch, that's who. Trust me, you'll know her when you fucking see her. Don't even try to fight, you'll get boiled alive." Berlin suppressed a shudder, answering exactly zero of the questions spinning in Nathan's head. "Oh yeah, and one more thing." Berlin grabbed his staff: "IRIDES AERUGINOSUS!"

In a puff of smoke, Nathan was rammed through the flimsy side door, sending it flying from its hinges. He skid across the dirt painfully, then got up and stormed towards the underdressed wizard. "What the fuck was that for?"

"Blue eyes! About forty-five minutes' worth, I'm not that good at these color spells. Not that it makes you much less conspicuous, heh heh."

"...Fair enough." Prick. "So what's the deal, you give me these weapons, and I..."

"Deal with the cyborg and stay the fuck away from my house. I've spent pretty much an entire week in bed and SO HELP ME GOD I'm going to spend the next fucking week that way too. Got it?"


With some difficulty, Berlin hefted Nate's harpoon gun to him from inside, lobbing it the last yard and knocking him into the dirt again. He shouted a spell that materialized a white, 1970's-style front door to replace his side entrance, then loudly slammed it shut in Nathan's face.

Such a prick.


Nathan, neither knowing where to go nor how to do so inconspicuously, deigned to slink stealthily in the shade between houses in no particular direction, avoiding torchlight from wandering villagers. Berlin, satisfied at an obstacle to his relaxation dealt with, went upstairs to his bedroom and put on a VHS of Baywatch.

Minutes later, an errant reflected orb of destructive energy sailed into his second-story roof, exposing the outside world to an endless tirade of filthy, frustrated curses.

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

Before sending it out the door, The Witch slipped something around Kekarie's neck. As she placed her soft hands around its neck the bird thought of how much it wanted shoot a large amount of compressed air at the woman. It was angry, angry that it had been made a fool of, angry that it had been so easily manipulated and forced to her bidding and angry at the whole darn thing.
"Now my wittle precious, you are going to go wherever this little trinket points to. It detects magic. Or, to be more accurate, magical objects. It will point you to the source, even with force. I want you go follow it, and then destroy whatever it points to." She gave off a wink and a smile, and then pushed Kekarie out of the door.

As Kekarie began its trek back to the village, it noticed that it had suddenly gotten very hot. Had it the capacity, it probably would have begun to sweat. Considering that the sun was setting, it found this heat very peculiar. The craggy and dark terrain was illuminated by a light source of some sort behind him, but with the orders binding as ever, it ignored it and moved on. After a quick run it was off into the air, leaving the hot mountain behind.

\_/

Back at the village, Deathwing was starting to get fed up with this Stormblade person. As his latest shot ricocheted off this... "hero" he took a small moment to look back on this disaster of a day. Immediately after he grabbed a nearby villager and yelled at the Hero. "Okay Hero, here's the deal. Do what I say or I blow up this guys head."

"Justice does not answer to any evil. I will not play your game foul demon. One must always be willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Have at thee.!"

As Sir Kaiden began to rush at Deathwing, a few things happened before Deathwing could blow his hostage into bits.

A flying spirit was forced down by the hated chain around it's neck.

An angry wizard a few houses away began exited out to give a "demon" a talking to.

A certain video gamer readied his new weapon, setting its sights on his primary target.

And a certain witch found a source of magic that she wasn't quite aware of. Safe in her cottage, seeing through the necklace, The Witch took note of the powerful magical energy surrounding the Sir Kaiden's equipment.
"Oh my, there's an unexpected development. He seems like a good boy." She grinned. "I'm sure a man like him would be glad to help little old me deal with that nasty wizard. After a few touch ups of course." The witch giggled and rushed back into her bathroom.

Originally posted on MSPA by Lankie.

---

Deathwing prepared his cannon to erase the poor excuse for a hostage; however he was quite surprised when he didn’t even have to do that, as the most gracious Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!) had done him in for the cyborg. The knight’s tacky sword plunged into the village as Stormblade took a swift step back. “He died in the name of JUSTICE! A noble death!” Deathwing glanced at the recent corpse, lying in a very un-noble fashion, it certainly didn’t help that he suddenly burst into flames for no apparent reason, Deathwing wasn’t even surprised anymore, he just wanted everything to die and be done with it.

“Ok, fuck this.” The cybernetic man flexed his six wings into a stabbing position, “I’m just going to gut you like a fish and call it a day.” He sauntered towards the knight, ready for some staby staby fun times, when suddenly: “JUSTICE FLARE TECHINQUE GO!” With a cheesy call and even cheesier pose, the hilt of Stormblade’s sword exploded in light. The Cyborg screamed and recoiled as the brightness of a sun was fired directly into his biological eye.

Kekarie clamped its eyes shut and swerved directly into the roof of a ramshackle hut. The Witches enchantments and spells were strong but the Wind Spirits instincts of ‘don’t fly into the fucking Sun, jeez man!’ took over. Not that such a thing loosened the control on Kekarie; the bird begrudgingly continued towards the source of magic, albeit walking, much slowly down some stairs, with it’s eyes firmly closed.

Deathwing Readjusted his Bionic eye to the exceptionally harsh light coming from that BASTARD of a knight. Mr Stormblade had skyrocketed straight up to number one on the cyborg’s mental kill list, with the Game Boy coming in at second place. With his vision restored, Deathwing continued his charge towards the smugness singularity that was Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!).

At least, he would be continuing, if he wasn’t suddenly and forcefully placed into a tightly compacted haystack.

All through this ridiculous fiasco, Nathan had been taking his aim towards the insidious cyborg, he would have fired earlier but a certain knight’s light show caused the gamer to stall a little. Luckily he had placed himself in a position in which Stormblade’s spectacle wouldn’t leave him a blind man. He reassured his aim with his stupendous weapon and fired. Nathan had a lot of experience firing weaponry with immense recoil, but this was a whole new kettle of fish, the gamer was literally launched backwards, straight into a dry stone wall upon firing the Technicolor gun. Nathan couldn’t help but have a moment of bewilderment over how absurd the weapon was.

Supersonic hay hit the cyborg, making him skid across the dirty, shit laden floor of the streets at an alarming speed. Deathwing’s ominous silhouette was engulfed and replaced by a harmless mound of dried grass, slowly but surely, the bale slid to a stop.

It was this moment that a certain irate Wizard entered the scene, rather ungracefully stomping around and swearing for such a man of power. “Oy! Robo boy!” He furiously marched towards the bale imprisoning Deathwing. “You’ve got some fuckin’ nerve! I hope you have lawyers in whatever godforsaken future you’re from because you’ll be hearing from me in court! You two bit mecha-bastard!”

The following could only be described as Deathwing exploding. Hay flew everywhere as the ‘mecha-bastard’ screamed to the heavens, consumed by rage. The cyborg let forth a slew of every curse word known to man in an incomprehensible, hate filled mega-sentence. Eventually, Deathwing concluded on “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR VILLAGE, FUCK YOUR KNIGHT, FUCK THIS CONTEST. FUCK EEEVVVEEERRRYYYTHHHIIIIIIIIINNNG!”

For the first time since meeting a certain Witch, the Wizard was at a loss for words.

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

And then he found some. From an odd place, too: his heart.

"I think I know how you feel, cyber-guy." "FUCK YOU-" "Yeah, yeah, fuck you too. Shut up and listen."

"I'm betting you've had one fucking bitch of a day. Upstaged, kicked around, blindsided by boys and birds and generally fucked around with. You're used to shitting in life's face, and suddenly it's shitting back and you'd sleep with its mother to get back at it but you can't. You just fucking can't and it makes you want to tear someone's fucking skin off. I'm right, aren't I?" "Stand aside, sorcerer, I must-" "YEAH YEAH WE'LL FUCKING GET TO YOU PRETTY BOY. Now where was I? Oh yeah, you want to cut life's dick off. You don't deserve this. You feel like life deserves this shoved back up its ass as far as your goddamn arm can reach. Am I right?"

Deathwing calmed... slightly. "...Yeah. Damn right."

"Me too. You know what I call days like this?"

"What?"

"Tuesdays. Now fuck you, you're a lamb."

"...What are yo-" "PERSONATUS AGNELLO!"

And then Deathwing was a lamb, writhing and 'baa'-ing angrily where the side of his head and a rear hoof stuck out of the square hay bale. This scared away the remaining villagers not frightened off by Nathan's shotgun; nobody was foolish enough to stick around when Berlin pulled out his livestock spells.


"Fuck you very much. Now on to you," he continued, shoving an accusatory finger in Sir Kaiden's face. "You prissy rich asshole. I know your fucking type. That's the Aegis of Athena right there, isn't it? Who taught you how to fucking aim that shit, the cross-eyed shit-shoveler who cleans up your daddy's castle after he's done fucking every whore in Wessex?"

"You IMPUDENT KNAVE!" Sir Kaiden hefted his sword for a strike, but Berlin blocked the hilt with his staff before whacking him on the forehead with it. "Ah, the angry type. I'm a hundred and fucking forty years old, you young dipshit. How much fucking honor is there in putting a sword through me, huh? You're a joy-riding jackass in a borrowed suit. I'm going to call your mother. And maybe fuck her too, while I'm at it."

"Bastard," Kaiden spat. "You've heaved your last foul breath. JUSTICE FL-AUGH!"

Sir Kaiden was interrupted by a massive air bullet to the face, knocking him and his armor between a couple of nearby buildings. Kekarie rushed after the knight, but recognized the wizard from its captor's lengthy descriptions. The giant bird desperately tried to slow its course, gesturing and cawing to the blue-clad Berlin, but with no justifiable impediments to its orders it had no choice but to continue.


Berlin, worked up by a rather successful bout of bitching, decided to indulge his curiosity. He strolled over to Nathan, who was busy lugging his harpoon gun over to the hay bale for a final blow. "I think birdbrain is trying to tell me something. You take care of things here, I'm going after the giant crowing asshole and the bird following him."

Nathan obliged. Berlin trudged away behind some buildings, as Nate strode up to Deathwing.

"You know what," he began to regale the bale-trapped animal. "As shitty as this game is, you have a certain charm." He snapped a picture of him with his pin. "You're pretty stereotypical villain material, but there's just a bent to it. Like you know exactly what you are, and love it. Not often you see foes so well designed." He raised his harpoon gun to where it looked like the lamb's body would be, and – failing that – to Deathwing's half-exposed head. "Real pity you're going out this stupid way. In fact, if I'd designed things, this'd be a psyche-"

Nathan was interrupted by a massive explosion.


When he shook himself up, Nate grabbed the Herbage Avenger from his back and darted his eyes around. His harpoon gun was yards behind him, and straw rained down on his surroundings. And Deathwing was...

Deathwing was still a lamb, now with its wool mostly singed off or blown on its end. However, his hay prison had hidden his robotic arms, eye, wings, and glowing chest, still full-size and dangerously functional.

Nathan squeezed the trigger of the Herbage Avenger, only for it to emit a disappointing puff of smoke. Empty!

Deathlamb lurched towards Nathan on mismatched limbs, snarling and frothing madly. Nathan ran so fast he forgot to take a photo.

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

Upon seeing a large bird charge at you after shooting out compressed air and knocking you a few buildings away, most people would run away.
But let's be honest, Sir Kaiden (Stormblade!) is most definitely not most people.
Upon seeing the bird charge at him once more, rather than move, or run, or even yell at it to stop like most people would, Sir Kaiden (Stormblade!) instead decided he wanted to ride it.

Most people would say that it was the brain damage from the impact, but those people don't actually know Sir Kaiden (Stormblade!). Either way, upon seeing the bird charge at him, he stepped aside and put the poor thing in a headlock. While it attempted to squirm its way out of the "Hero's" grip, Sir Kaiden placed himself upon the bird, successfully mounting him.

Still under orders to destroy the armor, Kekarie half-heartedly attempted to remove Stormblade(!) from it's back, smashing in to things and generally causing more destruction to the town than the enchanted armor wearing pretty boy.

<font color="#363636">Back in her home, The Witch finally decided it was time to intervene. Dressed in a white robe and golden sandals rather than her usual wear, The Witch appeared in her usual alley.

And "coincidentally," that was when Kekarie and his unwelcome rider just so happened to come across that alley.
As Kekarie attempted to smash Sir Kaiden (Stormblade!) into yet another wall, The Witch leaped out from the alley and yelled for them both to "Halt."
Of course, Kekarie complied.</font>

Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!) would have been somewhat confused at why his new steed suddenly stopped and he would have wondered where this woman came from if it wasn't for the many times that he had hit his head and also the fact that the woman was smoking hot. Upon a "thorough observation" he quickly made a subtle pose and began to "question" her in his most heroic voice.

"Hello Milady, allow me to introduce myself. I," He momentarily paused for effect. "Am Sir Kaiden Stormblade!" He paused once more, waiting for his bard, before remembering that he was dead, at which point he continued. "So, Milady, may I ask who you are?"

<font color="#363636">Upon hearing the 'hero's' words The Witch pretended to swoon. "Oh, I know of you, are you truly the famous Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!)?" She paused for a moment and then gasped, "You truly are! I can barely believe that I am meeting such a great hero." She draped herself upon Sir Kaiden's armor, rubbing it with a glowing hand, and then whispering to Kekarie telling him to "try again in a little bit~"

The Witch turned her attention back to her newest toy, "I am Marisia Bellosa, I am a simple beast tamer, from a far off land, I heard that there was a powerful dragon about and I came over to attempt to see if there was anything I could do. The bird belongs to me, he's attracted to powerful people, he seems to have taken a liking to you."

"Ha ha! Well of course it would be. And yes, that explains things very well. Seeing that we have similar goals, I suppose that we should team up and combine our efforts." The more that Stormblade(!) spoke, the more apparent and obvious he made his smug ego show...</font>

And the more that he did, the closer the Witch knew that controlling Stomrblade(!) into doing whatever she wanted would be an increasingly simple matter. "Work with THE Sir Kaiden Stormblade! I would be honored. But... first, would you mind stepping off of my bird, he needs to fly off for a bit, I can sense it."

"Well you are the expert here." Still keeping his pose and smile and almot critical mass smugness, Sir Kaiden Stormblade removed himself from Kekarie, allowing it to run off in search of the second most powerful magical object in the village.

===

By the time that Berlin finally caught up to ridiculously fast bird and the idiot who had the nerve to call himself a hero, he was pretty out of breath. As he cooled himself with a tiny electronic fan, he made a mental note never to run that long again.

Or at least, that is what he would have done if he didn't look up to the Hero only to see the craziest woman he'd ever had the displeasure of laying his eyes on. Oh fuck no.

Still focused on wooing over Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!), The Witch was just blindsided when Berlin threw a giant fucking boulder at her.
In theory, it made sense, magic users are inherently weak to large physical projectiles, this would have hopefully got the message out clear if she survived.
However, when she had made Kekarie's magic sensing amulet immune to Stormblade's(!) armor, she had also taken a bit of it's power for herself.

When The Witch stood up in perfect health, Sir Kaiden opened his mouth, about to ask how such a thing could be possible, when suddenly, he was hit with the force of not one, but two silencing spells as both The Wizard and The Witch flicked him backward into a house.

"Oh my god." As The Witch walked toward Berlin, she changed out of her tamer outfit and continued her spiel, "I didn't know someone could go on about himself for so fucking long. Oh wait... I knew you." She spat out.

"Oh because you are so selfless Ms. ChildEater." Berlin followed suit, retorting and beginning to walk and face off against The Witch.

"Well, he was gay, what was I supposed to do? He had betrayed his duty to the gene pool, although now that I think about maybe some chromosomes weren't as good as the other half."

"There were other options than eating him! We could have locked him in a dungeon with a suitable woman or just fix him! Oh, and you say that my genes aren't good enough? I am not the one who’s covered head to toe in cosmetic magic!"

As the two magic users began to circle around the somewhat forced open space and then began to bitch at each other for increasingly questionable reasons, Kekarie was making his way to whatever magical thing the stupid necklace was pointing at.

The bird slowly and reluctantly made its way into the wide open door to Berlin's home. It fought each and every step it made into the wizards house and up his stairs. However, despite all of its reluctance, Kekarie made it to the magical incense that the stupid witch wanted destroyed. Looking at the small ebony container, Kekarie didn't want to destroy it. It wanted to disobey The Witch.
But eventually, it gave in.

Kekarie destroyed the spell.

Without any other orders tying it down, Kekarie's next move was to ransack Berlin's house for anything that could help it.

===

Back with the other unhappy couple, Deathwool was trying to shoot at a moving target while also trying to get a handle of his new body and Nathan was trying to find somewhere to suitably reload Berlin's stupid weapon. However, as Nathan dodged a blast and jumped into some poor peasants house (or rather once was a house as most of the village was trashed by now) and as Deathwing turned back to his normal bloodthirsty self, the skies turned even blacker, yet they had an unnatural glow to them, illuminating the town greater than the moon had. While neither would admit it, they both felt bad about whatever would be coming, which was just enough for Nathan to slip past Deathwing's line of sight.

===

When Kekarie destroyed the spell, both Berlin and The Witch opened their eyes extremely wide, the first in shock, and the second in glee. The Witch's grin suddenly became larger and sharper than normal. Berlin stepped back as The Witch began to grow and subsequently step forward. Steam erupted from her ears. Slowly, each part of her body grew larger and larger. At the same time, her skin turned darker and darker. Her nails sharpened into long claws and her back began to arch. Her robe melded into her skin as she grew scales from each part of her body and as she grew a tail. Her magically made beautiful face grew a snout and her eyes turned red. Slowly, The Witch became a Dragon.

Blowing out smoke from her snout and covering the skies, the Dragon made her best approximation of a smile before opening her mouth and sending a large flame into the air.

It was of course now, that Sir Kaiden Stormblade(!) awoke, still silenced, but none the less terrified at the large and menacing Dragon that had appeared during his slumber. At that moment, he (though none could hear him), and every other human being who wasn't smart enough to flee the village had only one word to say.

"Shit."

Show Content

Spoiler~1471~ words

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

"RAAAAAAHRRRGH!!!"

Nathan hid behind one of the remaining inside walls of a barely-standing residence as Deathwing unleashed little orb-shaped pieces of Hell onto random buildings from the air. The sudden appearance of a rather impressively rendered dragon had given Nate enough time to escape his gaze, for all that was worth; the Avenger had an empty clip, the harpoon gun was back under Deathwing's field of vision, and there was no other intact cover nearby left to facilitate escape. All he could do was wait and hope for Deathwing to get distracted. I mean, he at least needed a couple snapshots of that dragon before this was over.

As he threw his eyes around what little remained of the building, he caught small eyes staring out at him from around a doorway. The eyes gasped and retreated, prompting a rather large man to appear wielding an enormous pitchfork.

He advanced quickly. "I saw your destructive magic. I don't care if this whole country burns down, no harm will come to my family!"

Nathan deflected the man's pitchfork thrust with the Avenger, dropping the weapon to close in between the man and his fork. In a practiced maneuver, Nate brought his knife from his belt directly into the man's nearby midsection. His eyes widened in shock. A second stab to the heart and a pistol-whip to the head were all Nate needed to knock him to the ground in a bloody heap.

The small boy behind the corner screamed as his father fell. He ran out at Nathan unarmed; Nate dispatched him with a devastating boot to the ribs, sending him flying into a wall section hard enough to crack his neck. Smearing virtual blood from his knife and hand onto his shirt, Nathan ducked back behind the safety of his cover wall.

A knight cuts through villagers like joke fodder NPCs, and then the game tries to pull the moral choice angle with them? Sheesh! Must have been a mish-mash of conflicting developers piecing together their work or something.


Berlin didn't normally summon his Segway. Fast and efficient as it was, its supercharged magical motor (retooled by Berlin the night of a drunken bender) had the rather unfortunate downside of being fueled by horse semen. Naturally, he wasn't keen on eventually having to top off its tank, but being chased by an enormous fire-breathing ex-wife prompts one to overlook such inconveniences.

"Just where do you think you're going, dear?" The dragon-witch loudly incinerated another structure, stepping through it to get a better angle on her fleeing prey. "Typical of you to avoid a brisk jog every chance you can get. God knows how little energy you'd have left for sleeping around behind my back!"

Berlin wheeled around another corner, kicking up dirt as he narrowly avoided another fiery blast. "Dammit, Agatha, it was never like that! Nothing shuts up a creditor like photographic evidence of you sleeping with their mother. For fucks sake, you spent more on clothes than a small island nation!"

"YOOOOUUUU!!!"

Hovering in midair with a violently steaming, overheated arm-cannon, Deathwing spotted the old man who had dealt him the most humiliating insult he had ever experienced. He dove down to the wizard, intending to behead him with one swift–

"AGO STOLIDUS!"

Berlin set a field around Deathwing's body, throttling his approach down to comical slow-motion. Goddamnit, I have to hurry and make it to her house! It's the only way to stop her.


Nathan took the opportunity to escape from cover, loading the Avenger with a pile of hay from a nearby stable; it vacuumed it all into the barrel with a ridiculous FWUP. Quickly, he turned the loaded weapon on the suspended Deathwing, only to find the dragon staring straight at him. "Now what are you doing, little–"

Nathan launched a massive bale at the dragon's head, only to see it dodged and deflected into the distance with a deft burst of flame. "How did you get tha...?" Her eyes suddenly widened, and she trampled off in pursuit of Berlin all the angrier. "Berlin, did you give some punk my FIFTH ANNIVERSARY PRESENT TO YOU?!"


Deathwing's stasis expired, and he rocketed away in pursuit of the wizard. Nathan approached his fallen harpoon gun, still quite befuddled. As he slung the Herbage Avenger behind him and hoisted the device, he caught sight of Sir Kaiden Stormblade, charging and screaming in pursuit of the others... in complete and total silence.

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

---

Kekarie was oblivious to the outside world in its entirety. After all, it had just felt its first moment of freedom since entering the dank and overall miserable atmosphere that someone called a village. Seeing that it had been left in a Wizard's home all alone, it decided to do what came naturally. Loot.

The arguably intelligent bird has spent its last few moments looking around Berlin's home for something, anything that could aid it with the situation. Taking anything and everything that seemed useful and shoving it all inside a bag held by the tail-hand would hopefully prove to aid the bird on its quest to survive.

It was of course, wrong.
As it tossed the yet another medallion up in the air, without regard to any magical oddities attached, Kekarie began to glow. And then, when the coin landed, the bird and the bag were gone, while there was a rather angry wizard left in its place.

<font color="Blue">"Someone actually used the damn coin? Graaah, I was almost at her house too! Oh well. Looks like I'll have to pack up. Can't be here when she get's back no no... Still.. I can't help but feel I've forgotten something."
As it turns out, he did. The coins, able to switch places with the owner and whoever flips them comes with a drawback. You can't hear anything at all. This of course meant that Berlin had no way of seeing the large shot of hay shoot right into the hole in his roof and directly at him, leaving him stuck, if only for a little bit.

Kekarie was thoroughly confused. One moment it had been in a small, yet cozy house and now it felt hot all of the sudden. A look around showed that it was once more near the dreadful Witch's cottage, but that wasn't all it saw. Turning around revealed a large, charging, and obviously angry Witch who was surprisingly silent. Kekarie quickly turned tail, into her home. Rushing in, the bird was in absolute panic. It had no where to hide in her home, except... the bird ran into The Witch's bedroom and with one swift motion, dropped the bag of magical goods, opened the door to her wardrobe and then kept itself inside.

What it did not expect, was that The Witch was in a bit of a rage, and couldn't really care less about her house seeing that her wanted prey had disappeared and been replaced by some stupid yellow chicken. She stuck her large head into her cottage, and figuratively and literally exploded. Had Kekarie been able to hear, the words alone would have killed him.
Moments later, in the crater that once was a volcano-side cottage for one was a voluptuous but dazed woman in a charred dressed covered in soot. After standing for a few moments, she plopped herself down and with a sigh said,</font> "Man, I need a vacation."

Caught in a trance by the running Stormblade, Nathan just stood there in the open. This proved to be a mistake not just because it caused Deathwing to charge at him at full speed, but also because at that moment, he was hit squarely in the head by a slightly charred bag of magical items.

Show Content

Spoilergood luck you guys!

Originally posted on MSPA by Pinary.

---

"Over already? Aw well, there's still one more to go- and it's a neat one!"

Nathan and Deathwing vanished, hung in nothingness for a moment, then landed again, this time in some of the most amazingly-simulated gravel they'd ever experienced.

"So I found this thing in the records, and when I went and turned it on, it made this whole big world of stuff inside! The systems were all 'ohh, careful, that's got a link to an open file,' but whaaatever! This is going to be great!"

Its explanation done, the administration personality left the two remaining contestants to duke it out in the place one of them had been intended to show up in in the first place.

Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.

---

Wow, an actual landing zone instead of a crowd of people or a pile of shit! How fucking pleasant.

Nathan stood on a hill of gravel, beneath a teal sky oddly streaked with thin lines of yellow and brown. Beyond that, though, everything was hidden beneath a thick layer of fog. It was an old trick VR developers used to hide the world while it was busy loading. Nathan wondered if the game had been too busy throwing every pacing flaw, bad design choice, and unusual bug possible at him to include long load times in the mix, and had only just remembered to pile on such a common deficiency.

As he caught his bearings and examined his ludicrous menagerie of equipment – his VR MG 9 and the Herbage Avenger slung behind his back (clacking together audibly), a massive harpoon gun in his hands, a knife, pistol, and anti-magic grenade at his belt, a bag of god knows what that had hit him before the round change at his feet – Nathan took a moment to ponder the change in his surroundings.

Cyber-guy was about to hit me, so the bird must have bit it somehow. Maybe it was a scripted failsafe to keep me from... wait, no, the whole premise of this demo was that I might die early and not get to see the rest of this stupid game. How was the bird in danger, anyway?! Maybe that dragon was chasing it or...

"You know what? Fuck this."

Nathan went into liveblogging mode, as he sometimes did to practice before a cast. "The Xilyon Odyssey demo has been a confusing run-around over recycled landscapes that have been retouched brilliantly, in an inspiring effort to tell absolutely no story whatsoever."

Nathan kicked the magic bag, something rolling out of it maybe. He didn't quite care.

"I have been pushed around through the most well-simulated excrement I could ever have imagined. And I mean that literally, too; I can still smell some of the horseshit lingering on my neck."

The fog was gradually lifting, a city slowly coming to life beneath three brilliant suns. Yawn.

"At least they unlocked the alcohol. Getting me buzzed is the only thing this game has done that was at all worth the hour or two of such disappointing, irritating gameplay."

An incredibly large structure was gradually coming into view in the distance.

"Sorry, fans, but I've had more than enough. If you'd been in my shoes, you would have left much earlier; probably around getting a faceful of shit. I have had more of Xilyon Odyssey than I can stomach, and I am getting out of here. System Override, Ex-wuh?"

A Mana Temple. It was a fucking Mana Temple.

Right there, in his face, probably only a mile in the distance. A twisting, cone-like structure of jade-gilded sapphire, piercing the sky with a golden symbol of magic and Xilyon Odyssey has a god-damned MANA TEMPLE in it!

"You picked up the Battle Mages franchise. That rumor was years ago. I thought it was stupid. I called out the rumor as stupid to all my fans. You've been working on a Battle Mages game, you magnificent sons of bitches."

On cue, some subtle background music sprung to life. A stereotypical British-sounding female announcer talked into his surroundings: "Welcome to Battle Mages: Xilyon Odyssey."

Nathan must have looked rather stupid to an outside observer then, hunched over and eyes wide with an expression of stunned euphoria adorning his dirt-coated face. Which is why he jumped as he was shocked to self-consciousness by a much louder and more familiar announcer:

"Nathan Xander, where the hell have you been?"

Harry Snodgrass, CEO of Matrix VR-ware, was speaking to him through the in-sphere PA system. Sounds spoken into it from outside were duplicated digitally, in the game world, to get around the noise-canceling VR spheres employed while in-game.

"You don't sound all that good, Mister Snodgrass. I think I've been going through some shitty test levels you built in or something. Why didn't you contact me sooner?"

"Listen Xander, who the fuck cares. Just do the emergency exit code and get out of there before everyone has a heart attack."

Wait, what? "Why should I leave just when I got to the good part?!"

"Look, we'll give you full testing access, game footage, whatever the hell else you want, just get out, now!"

When the head of one of the most powerful gaming companies on earth is yelling at you, you tend to listen. "Dammit... I expect you to hold up your end of the bargain. System Override, Exit Code Zero."

Nathan, holding his thumb high in the air, had just spoken the government-mandated VR exit code. All VR spheres had to include this code in their very firmware, by law, redundantly recognizing both the audio and physical portions of it as a guaranteed shutdown command. The physical gesture, in fact, had gone memetic long since VR had proliferated, used all over the world as a symbol of leaving or request thereof. Either action – speaking/subvocalizing the command or holding the gesture up continuously – would absolutely ensure exit from a simulation within five seconds.

Of course, that didn't happen. Instead, a floating, translucent-blue UI box appeared, alerting Nathan to an error in an unsettlingly garbled fashion.

"Uhm... guys? You seeing this?"

"Yeah, we can see everything around you, if only that. God, I was hoping that wasn't the case."

"Hoping wh-... Christ, you knew this could happen?! Do you realize how much I could sue you up and down for this?"

"Mister Xander?"

"Who is it now?"

"Hello, Nathan. This is Chip Dalson, from Dalson & Butterworth firms."

Uh oh. "Oh, uh, Chip! Didn't expect you here so... quickly." My firm's already here?! This is some serious shit. What happened while I was in the first two rounds?

"Yes, I'm here to suggest that you do everything Mister Snodgrass recommends. We'll focus on the letter of the law later, but your safety may be at risk at the moment."

"Whoa, okay, I'm listening."

"Hold on, Xander, let me get my chief software engineer on the line. He'll know a lot more about this than I do."

As Nathan waited and worried, the game's main startup process began in earnest. Dark green battle armor began to materialize around him, a helmet giving him a large plastic visor that increased contrast both ways, serving to make his face even more visible for any teammates. The large, glowing text "nateXtrem" – read straight from his identity implant – adorned the front and back of his vest for the same purpose. Any items on his person that didn't register as clothing or attached to his body, like the ones at his belt or his GDC pin, were automatically detached and floated to the ground.

"Let's check my loadout..."

A menu had automatically appeared in front of him as his armor finalized, allowing him to select and view his skillset. For this demo scenario, he was apparently level 28, with medals for battles he would have supposedly won in the parts of the campaign preceding this, plus achievements for having played some of the game's predecessors. In a gesture obviously fitted specifically to him, they had given Nathan his typical capture point / urban combat spell loadout from the previous game, a hybrid between the Fire and Arcane branches of magic with a little bit of Force mixed in for utility. In practice, this mixed high stopping power and damage output with the ability to create cover and obstacles, or trick and trap opponents if he had a little knowledge of the environment. There were a couple of new spells in the mix, of course; Nathan, momentarily forgetting that he was supposed to be worried, couldn't wait to try them out. Maybe on a certain friendly cyborg.

"Nathan, is that you? This is Kyle Donovan."

"Kyle 'Cainwrex' Donovan? Dude, I haven't heard from you in ages!"

"That's because you couldn't, Nate. I was barred from getting anywhere near you the instant we started this top-secret stuff."

"Oh come on, we had one fling and they think you'll spill the beans?"

"The same went for the rest of my dev team, Nate. And trust me, they know how convincing you can be."

"Kyle, to the point!"

"Oh believe me, I know, just double-checking that this was really Nathan." Huh? "Anyway, Nate, you could be in some serious shit here. We have reason to believe that you've been operating without HN safeguards this entire time."

"Whoa! All of them, disabled?!"

"That's what we're trying to find out. Now, I want you to lift your visor, grab a pebble from the ground, and swallow it."

"Um, what."

"Mister Xander, if you would."

"Ah, right. Lawyers." Nathan complied, a small one going down his throat.

"It's not appearing in your right hand again, is it? Shit."

"Alright, so the game's letting me eat inedible stuff without spitting it back out. What does that mean?"

"It means you've just entered a fucking warzone, Nathan. It means that if you get hit with a bullet head-on, the hardlight-nanomesh in that VR station is going to shove an HN bullet hole through your body. For all intents and purposes, this is real."

"Ohhh. Well, is that all? Heh heh." SHIT SHIT SHIT. Nathan suddenly recalled a couple of close calls he'd had in the past hour or two, and how they'd apparently been one hell of a lot closer than he'd thought. "Now, come to think of it, would you tell me why you haven't just pulled the plug?"

"Well, you don't understand what's going on out here, Nate. This is some weird sci-fi shit going down. We already-" "Kyle." "...alright, I can't tell you everything, but let's just say that there's nothing we can safely do from out here. Now, stay frosty, and tell me what's happened to you so far. I mean, is that a harpoon gun next to you?! And what's with the old Nerf thing?"

"Well, tee-ell-dee-arr, this is the third 'round' I've been shoved into. First the Titanic, then some odd shit with a wizard. There's been some shitty synthesized announcer during the transitions, saying there were three other contestants, and I think one's gotten killed each round. The last one left is some cyborg or such."

"Is that who 'Deathwing' is?"

"Ah, so you do know him! Was he supposed to be a boss or something?"

"No no, this is the first I've heard of him. He's listed as another VR player, on the opposing side."

"He can't be scanned in, he has prehensile wings! And I thought you guys didn't have multiplayer working?"

"We don't. Listen, this is some goddamn supernatural hacking going on here, I can't fucking explain it. I don't know if someone's trying to kill you or something, but they're certainly having fun with it."

In an instant, everything clicked.

"The announcer. That goddamn 14-year-old kid with his voice run through a synthesizer. He mentioned opening a 'file' before this round, he's a fucking script kiddie trying to get me killed at a game for kicks!"

Nathan was furious.

"Well, I'm going to give that cyborg AI substitute or whatever the fuck of his a run for its money."


Off mic, Kyle and Harry were arguing. "So we just aren't going to tell him? Your fucking haunted VR station is on without any power plugged in. The HN-piercing cameras in there show nobody's actually in it, and that Nathan's being fucking HN-simulated. We're just gonna keep him in the dark about all this?"

"Listen, Kyle. I've seen Nathan Xander play. This scenario is built to kill him if he does nothing; he'll last the longest if he's serious, with as few distractions as legally necessary."

-- "One more thing, Mister Snodgrass. As my last will, I want all footage of this multicast. Deal?" --

"...Deal."

Show Content

SpoilerThat was my double-length post for the round. Man, these mini-grand word limits are constricting!!