you've been peeling bananas wrong this whole time

It turns out you're supposed to ask them nicely

It turns out bananas aren't vegan, so just give them to your pets

It turns out if a banana isn't spotless, neither will your soul be after peeling

it turns out if you keep them in the fridge you won't cry when you open them

it turns out that you should dunk it in liquid nitrogen and then shatter it over the edge of a boat that needs christening

it turns out that you're supposed to use your corkscrew

it turns out you're supposed to do that orange-peel smile thing, but with an entire banana

it turns out osha has rules for this sort of thing and you should have been wearing your PPE, safety glasses, work gloves, steel-toe boots, rebreather etc

it turns out you're supposed to write your greatest regrets on the peel with sharpie first so when you throw it away it's therapeutic

it turns out that if you really love it, you should let it go, and if it loves you too it'll come back, peeled

it turns out that you can peel a banana with another peel

it turns out you can put it in your mouth and smoke it like a jazz cigarette

it turns out you throw it into the ocean and watch as it slowly drifts away

it turns out you gotta tee it up at the golf course and give it a good thwack with your 9 iron

it turns out that you gotta unload your 9 millimeter into it

it turns out that your saliva is enough to dissolve the coating, so just put it in your spittoon

it turns out it's zero-sum: to unpeel one banana you have to repeel another. karma

it turns out this is what stonehenge is for

it turns out you have to wait for the new moon, go out to the forest, smear your nude form in goat's blood, and summon baphomet

it turns out you can buy "extra lean" bananas at the supermarket that are just the peel

it turns out you can draw the innards out with a syringe

it turns out, you get three bananas alone in a room with each other, and they'll peel each other in fury

it turns out it's not the monkey peeling the banana like we thought; it's the banana peeling the monkey

It turns out that all bananas are actually voodoo dolls and the one you have there in your hand is yours.

it turns out this is what cursive is actually useful for