join me on my quest for peace of mind

i talk nonstop about "hey look at this" "i see it" "thank you"

i could teach you

i'm not sure how much it'd help. i can't change the way i am right now

and it doesn't make any difference to me if other people are going "look at this art i found" "it's nice" to each other about my art considering i never, ever hear about them. if someone paints a tree in the forest and no one else sees it and they didn't get anything out of the experience, then it was a waste of time imo

anyway i'm going to bed good night

and it doesn't make any difference to me if other people are going "look at this art i found" "it's nice" to each other about my art

i wasn't even talking about that you think I was talkon about me showing people your art I don't even know you no I'm talking about having nothing to talk about but my own shit cartoons because I'm so self absored

I was offering to teach you my methods but I'm not sure you're worth bothering with

Also I haven't rly read the dad thread so maybe I'm missing something

I mean it makes sense what you're doing, it just feels like you're trying to fix your problem the less ideal way by cutting yourself off from things that you used to like, but don't now for Reasons.

yeah, i'm aware.

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Spoiler(my guess for a reason is that it come from living with someone who's emotionally abusive and does their best to keep you feeling useless by constantly criticizing and yelling at you, and that thought process of always second-guessing yourself has gotten internalized to such a point that it's spilled over into the thing that used to be an escape and refuge from other problem. does that make a little bit of sense?)

Like i think the thing you have to get away from isn't other people's arts, since that's not what your self-doubt is ultimately stemming from; it's your dad constantly telling you to try things while simultaneously sabotaging them through incompetence and possessiveness

yeah, it makes sense, i know i have to get out of this house. i just can't yet, so i need to find ways to feel okay in the meantime.

if it helps, i guess i could try to describe what was specifically bugging me yesterday? since you said you don't know what's going on with my art situation.
to put it shortly, on aywas i'm generally competing for peoples attention and money with my art skills, and i'm not good at it.

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SpoilerThere's a wide range of artists there, in a wide range of skillsets and skill level, and i'm stuck somewhere in the middle in the sort of... "nice art but not distinctive and only good at a specific style" kind of category? There's a few people who like my stuff and actually buy it. it's nice.

But then the site, every so often, has these big sales where, along with discounting the prices of items, they commission a bunch of artists to make a bunch of custom pets, which get sold forrrrrrr, a lot. One such sale is Black Friday, obv, but the other is "Mayday", which happens at the end of May. These two particular sales last for a few days, with the discounts getting smaller after the initial day, and this applies to the custom pets too. So, when you make customs for these sales, you make them in sets of 5, and if all 5 of a set you made sell out on like, the first day, the site will pay you a bonus.

What that last bit is getting to, is that, the better and more popular of an artist you are on the site, the faster your designs will sell, and you stand a chance of overcoming the "I'll just wait until it's discounted more" mentality that everyone's trying to keep because OH MAN this popular artists design is still available?? what if someone else grabs it?? GOTTA GET IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES!!! which means those designs bring in more money for the site... so, of course, the site wants to hire them more than they'd want to hire me, because even though my art's nice, it's not appealing to the wider market and it won't bring in bonus cash.

Additionally, I know that I'm slow. I can't really force myself to work without really specific conditions (recently, it's been a combination of streaming after I've brought a soda or energy drink home, like "i got myself this drink so i could sip it while i stream arts, i better get to streaming now!!) and some aywas art jobs, i think including the sale designs, don't allow you to stream working on them? So even though I tried applying to the upcoming mayday sale, it's probably okay that I didn't get in.

other recent events on the site have me pretty convinced that my art just isn't desired by the site at all, though.

(additionally... i have some beef with someone who happens to be one of those popular artists who always get picked. they were showing off their sale designs yesterday, that's what got me onto this whole thing. i'd talk about it here but that's bringing up PETSITE DRAMA so i won't.)

I MEAN THERE'S, a lot more stuff that sets me off than what i put in that last spoiler. pretty much any time i see some really well-composed draws, it makes me start trying to analyze how they did it, and whether or not i can figure out what they did, i realize that my art style isn't very distinctive or even consistent, it changes a lot? and i don't practice anything and i can't make myself practice... it's frustrating

i just bring up the aywas stuff because it feels more concrete.

Ah yeah just dont go to a was that sounds good

it'ssss stillllll the only place i'm making money thoughhhhhhh even though it's not very much money, not very oftennnnnn

i could probably be getting more recognition and making more money if i just worked harder. i mean, obviously :y

ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME??? of something i realized The Most Popular Artist on that site is pulling off??? ohhh man ohhh gosh, it's gonna be hard to keep it short while getting enough detail to make it coherent to non-aywas-users, but here goes

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Spoiler
so if you're not making designs for the site to sell for Big Profits, you're making designs either for usd or for site cash and selling them to whoever's gonna buy

to uh, put it shortly, this one person decided to do like, a monthly subscriber plan for her designs? it costs 20 bucks to "subscribe" to her pet design thread, and each month she makes a handful of uncolored designs and hands them out for her subscribers to color for themselves, or resell in site cash. She's making sure she's paid through a certain page in the site that means that the site's getting revenue off of it too, since she's using official site pet bases for these designs, so I'm pretty sure she's not breaking any rules.

there's like, 39 people subscribed for this month. 780 dollarydoos, without counting what the site takes in fees. So probably closer to keeping ~660 dollarydoos. that's...... a lot............

i don't know if anyone else has a monthly subscriber bundle just for their designs, but i wouldn't be surprised if she's the only one to pull this off.

Where do I get it punched

*punches my own ticket with my fist*

my irl friend took me practice driving today, it was super scary but it feels good to get some real practice in after a while.

anyway i'm thinking about aywas stuff and some possible other money-job i could take there and starting to get actually excited for it??? it'll probably fade by tomorrow though. i could technically apply to it right now if i wanted to, but i think i wanna get some stuff ready ahead of time.

i'm really bad at this "stop looking at art" thing even though technically i could apply and do this thing with minimal art-viewing, since it's just me putting my stuff out there.

i'm half-convinced it's a bad idea but i still wanna try it.
(9 uncolored pet bases in two weeks, if i get accepted. idk if i can work that fast but making uncolored bases is fun for me.)

*punches my own ticket with my fist*

¡Ñów yóú'ré óút óf líñé!

this thread isn't about me it's about kitet have some compassion

to be fair, i have like, 5 hawkspace threads about me already, 's kind of a bad habit

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to be fair, i have like, 5 hawkspace threads about me already, 's kind of a bad habit

i don't want to read about your dad though so this place is good. reading about your dad is not something i could handle, most likely. here i understand how stressful it is to do art for a living, now that i know that you do it for a living.

yeah, my dad's stressful to take in, especially in a concentrated dose like the thread i made.

also yeah i guess i do art for a living?? it's more like, i do art for pocket change, currently. I'd really like to do art for a living, since it's kind of my only skill right now, but since I'm living with my dad it's not urgent that I make money to live off of.

money's important tho, and being able to make money on my own is important. I need to be able to support myself... which is why I'm also job-hunting around where I live, actually. That's not too related to the topic tho.

but yeah, haha, it turns out it's kinda stressful when you start to gauge the worth of your art in dollars and you realize it's only worth buying at all, much less at a decent amount, to a drastically small amount of people! haha!

I've actually been feeling better recently, not for any particular reason as far as I can tell??? but good enough that I didn't cut myself off from anywhere yet, really.

I'm just posting because this:

ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME??? of something i realized The Most Popular Artist on that site is pulling off??? ohhh man ohhh gosh, it's gonna be hard to keep it short while getting enough detail to make it coherent to non-aywas-users, but here goes

Show Content

Spoiler
so if you're not making designs for the site to sell for Big Profits, you're making designs either for usd or for site cash and selling them to whoever's gonna buy

to uh, put it shortly, this one person decided to do like, a monthly subscriber plan for her designs? it costs 20 bucks to "subscribe" to her pet design thread, and each month she makes a handful of uncolored designs and hands them out for her subscribers to color for themselves, or resell in site cash. She's making sure she's paid through a certain page in the site that means that the site's getting revenue off of it too, since she's using official site pet bases for these designs, so I'm pretty sure she's not breaking any rules.

there's like, 39 people subscribed for this month. 780 dollarydoos, without counting what the site takes in fees. So probably closer to keeping ~660 dollarydoos. that's...... a lot............

i don't know if anyone else has a monthly subscriber bundle just for their designs, but i wouldn't be surprised if she's the only one to pull this off.

the stuff that subscribers to that bundle thing got for the month of May got posted on tumblr, here.
Everyone subscribed to this persons thread for this month got 1 (one) use each of those uncolored pets, which they can color for themselves, plus I guess a copy of those horns for the Human Avatar thing, plus three lucky subscribers might also get one of those colored pets, ready to upload. To be honest, 20 bucks for 5 uncolored pet designs from this artist, plus a little bonus, isn't bad at all.

I don't really have a point to make with all this, I just wanted to talk about it.