I'll answer your questions

how does one further probationize their self? Are aliens involved?

You have entered an incorrect question to the query stack. You have now reached level 2 question probation. Do not tempt fate.

May I be excused?

I'm sorry, I don't know. I'd love if you stayed forever. You and me. Us.

Oh boy! Okay, I think I got a good question.
I know you shouldn't bring a gun to a knife fight, but what about a fork and spoon?

A fork is a pronged spoon, don't let the hype fool you. Don't bring either to a knife fight. It's right there in the name. You have earned your third puzzle piece. Assemble the puzzle, or be forever scalded by the heat of shame.

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Spoiler

yes

Redemption has been attained. However, you are still fettered to the Dunce's Pontoon. Feel free to continue to ask questions. Your days are numbered. One, two, three, etc.

How could you forget the critically important tilde/hashtag key located between the enter and the aforementioned apostrophe key?

I could forget thanks to severe head trauma.

I textually interpret 'there are so many apostrophes' as saying there are many keyboard layouts with which an apostrophe might be on, and we now know that Of Goblin types on a north american english keyboard and not a british one

This is not a question, you have received 60 warning speckles on your dozen lazy eggs.

if you started a restaurant named Goblin's, what would you serve? What would your business model be?

I would serve the patrons of the restaurant. The business model would be that of a restaurant. 60 more warning speckles, you are dangerously close to reaching Warning Speckle Nirvana. Do not tempt fate.