Bud Muckman, International Archivist - An Adventure By Chwoka

cut together a blooper reel of them playing but also parts where you throw the ball and it misses, then dress them up in different uniforms (the opponents) and cut together shots of them winning. be the mysterious stranger and go around filming yourself breaking their kneecaps (as their opponents) and then cut in the footage of them winning in their old uniforms with good knees against in the new ones with bad knees. movie magic!

You aren't sure if you can perform that level of editing on such short notice, so you call in your friend for all things sorcerous - "Magic" Johnson. At first the retired basketball star is hostile and perturbed that you have his cell phone number, but after hearing your dire circumstances he agrees to help. Unfortunately, he informs you that movie editing magic is aligned with the element of 'air' and he hasn't gotten much of that since he retired. Rather than sidetrack yourself with a side plot involving a fifty five year old man's return to professional sports, you abandon this whole idea as stupid and delete his number from your phone.

That's no problem, they can just be the opponents of the hopeless loser team. Besides, getting the losers to come out ahead will be a lot easier if you already have their opponent's team in your pocket already.

Try to set up a quick game between your team and the local junior high.

This would work much better. Unfortunately, you don't have the number of any local junior high schools in your Rolodex. You'll need to challenge them in person.

If you throw footballs at the soccer team, they might, like, combine with them and turn into football players.

Or the footballs will burrow into them like leeches, resulting in the destruction of your soccer team at the hands of leather eggs.

You've already thrown footballs at them in your practice game and, well, I guess that first thing might have happened if not for the fact that it's far more likely that they're simply naturally athletic and talented individuals who are capable of accomplishing great things when they put their minds to it.