Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Day Five: Rest In Pisces

As dawn breaks, it's apparent that hosting a trans-dimensional once-in-a-generation press conference wasn't enough for the fourth night of Vista Paolo's long inheritance negotiations.

The remaining bitches are all well-aware of this. After all, several nigh-thermonuclear explosions during the night are hard to ignore, even if they happen while you're busy shanking someone in the kidneys.

Speaking of those who've been shanked in the kidneys, let's tally them up.

cyber95 was a REGULAR SHANKER. He was shanked once.

Gnauga was a REGULAR SHANKER. They were shanked once.

Plaid was a REGULAR SHANKER. She was shanked twice - and messily, at that.

Deviant One was also shanked messily. Turns out he was one of those damn VOODOO WIZARDS, so no-one really minds (see Pick Yer Poison, D3 Start).

konec0 was an UNTRACEABLE CRIMINAL SHANKER (see Prime Intellect, N3 Start). Not so untraceable now, huh? Pretty messily shanked once, though.

Whimbrel was an ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST (see Demonsul, D4 Start). She was shanked once!

and finally

Niall was a POSTMASTER GENERAL. With the POSTAL AUTHORITY vested in him, he could choose to make a SPECIAL DELIVERY to the thread each day that contained any of a selection of items - which he could decide on by using his postman's x-ray vision to choose the proper package. He would have won by being the last man standing or by delivering at least 5 packages.

He was shanked twice.

The only shankers out of the loop (and thereby late to the beach-side powwow everyone else has gathered at) do their best to brush conspicuous grave dirt off their clothes and mingle with the rest of their gawking shank compatriots.

Akumu and OztheWizard have RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE.

As their dull eyes swing towards the sea, they behold a rather unnatural sight. It seems the energies of the WHALE DIMENSION have suffused a large patch of regular space, space that. Well.

Another five minutes of gawking at the anomaly are soon put to shame as a news van pulls up and a tricked-out reporting-nautilus-mech hops out. Gawking intensifies.

"Hello, and good morning from the HUMAN DIMENSION. I'm Acaea Dae for NNN, and we've just arrived on the scene of what we suspect are the first post-duel Whale Duellist deaths in several decades, only a few hours before the Whale Duel Award Ceremony begins.

Eyewitness reports tell us Pharmacy's yacht was moored in that exact spot yesterday evening."

She gesticulates wildly towards the anomaly, barely keeping the cumbersome mech under control.

"A pair of lifeless whaleshanks have also been found washed up nearby, identified by experts as being bound to Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel's life forces, respectively. That and the apparent presence of the whaledirge confirms our suspicion.

Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel are dead. Whalespace mourns their passing."

Dragon Fogel was a REGULAR SHANKER.

Pharmacy was a SÉANCE SHANKER. In addition to the powers of a regular shanker, she could communicate with the SHANKSPIRITS OF THE DECEASED.

The Whaledirge emanating from the temporal anomaly informs you that Dragon Fogel was not shanked last night.

Pharmacy was shanked once, but long before her time of death.

"So shanking was not behind their demise. Which makes sense, as Whale Duellists they would be hardened enough to resist a kidneystab or two. So what did?

For more on that story, we're joined by our crustacean correspondent even more on the scene, Rocky the Rock Lobster."

"Hiya!"

"Hey there Rocky, thanks again for your great work with Sruixan last night.

Now, what can you tell us about these mysterious nighttime explosions that we think are connected to our whale duellists' deaths?"

"Well Acaea, as you can see from this high-fidelity security footage-that is 100% accurate don't question the daylight-the explosion happened on an elevated floor, in a room we've figured out belonged to speedchuck. Nothing special about him, really."

speedchuck was a REGULAR SHANKER.

"The security footage also tells us speedchuck was shanked once last night. But that didn't kill him, in fact after he was shanked he was visited by...

Solaris.

Who hotel records show was sent here from the same corporate bank account as Chirality."

Solaris was a VEST MAGNATE. (See Chirality, D2 Start).

Whatever vests remained in their possession were destroyed in the explosion. They also went unshanked.

"Now, that's just the warmup. If you'll follow me..."

Rocky scuttles down the boulevard until he reaches a hillside overlooking a pretty sizeable crater, waving his microphone all the way.

"Twelve hours ago this was the site of a small farmhouse. We've recovered some debris, and I think we can say with some confidence that the presence of Morgan Freeman's charred head among it means Dalmationer got caught in the blast. We haven't been able to recover anything else about her, though.

Dalmationer was [ERROR: UNKNOWN].

"Now, it might seem we're no closer to solving the mystery of why our noble whale duellists perished last night. That's why we've turned to NNN's top-secret source in Dang Ron Paul's R&D division, whose identity we're obviously keeping secret. I'll let them explain."

"I don't know what anyone else has told you, but DRP had some really horrifying research projects. The one you're asking about, that reminds me of a certain R&D division we codenamed Cambria. Why? Well, one of the largest evolutionary - life-developing - events in history was the Cambrian Explosion. This project. Well, see for yourself."

Breadpocalypse was a SENTIENT METRIC TON OF C4. As one of Dang Ron Paul's PRIZE EXPERIMENTS she was here to cause as much havoc as possible.

Each night, she could plant a BLOCK OF C4 on another player.

If she was killed, she would EXPLODE, taking any shankers looking to end her life that night with her.

All her PLANTED C4 CHARGES would also EXPLODE, eliminating any targets she'd planted C4 on. The explosion would also take out any player they were shanking as well as anyone attempting to shank them that night.

C4 Explosives ignored vest protection. She would not EXPLODE if she was killed by the groupshank, and she would be too far from her TRANSPONDER her PLANTED C4 CHARGES would have failed to detonate.

Her win conditions were: be the last player standing, take at least seven other people with her to the grave or maplehoof (no players left alive at the end of the game).

"I've been Rocky the Rock Lobster for NNN. Back to you, Acaea!"

"Thanks Rocky. Loyal viewers, we'll be taking a commercial break for now, but stay tuned for more updates on the situation as it develops as well as the first report from the scene of the Whale Duel Awards once they get under way. This has been Acaea Dae for the Nautilus News Network!"

*KRSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*