Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Granolaman steps onstage accompanied by his loyal lobster-shanks, ignoring the podium entirely. He simply looks down, points a lobster at the sky, and shouts two words.

"HIT IT."

last known photo of whale-verse champion: Granolaman

Top Secret True Events of the Whale Duel. Whale President's Ears Only: https://tindeck.com/listen/rrek

Lyrics:

SpoilerShow

Ol’ Schazilla was hopping around
Shrimptopia like a big playground
When Pharms burst in riding on a Killer Whale
And beat Schaz down with a Nola flail
Schazilla fought back and began to get mean
But didn’t expect to be blocked by ‘Green
And he started fighting Schaz with a pistol shrimp
Sruix tried to stop him but he failed like a wimp
And Scoffles rode in on a narwhal to help
But Truegreen caught him with a lasso of kelp
Sruix slinked away thinking it was time to quit
When Seedy showed up and beheaded the Brit
And turned her attention to Impervious Scofflaw
When Truegreen swam by and punched her through a wall
Granola gave chase but Green got away
Because youdon’twanttoknow came to save the daaay

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive I wonder who it will be?
This is the ultimate Whaledown of Cetacean History

Pharms took out Scoffles with her ultimate form
When her orca blasted off his narwhal’s horn
Then Sruix came back riding on a lobster pack
And teamed up with Nola on the Truegreen attack
Palamedes joined up and thought the battle was won
When Truegreen and youdon’t merged into one
So Granola and Pala thought to even the odds
And merged into a form with the power of gods
But then they saw Disassembler sneaking up from behind
And they reached for their nuke which they just couldn’t find
Cuz Y-Green stole it and he shot and he missed
And Palaman caught it in a Jellyfish twist
Then he lobbed it at Pharms in an act of betrayal
While lobster-Sruix piledrove a sperm whale
Into Palaman’s face in a glorious arc
But then got eaten by a Seedy shaaark

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive and I know who it will be
This is the ultimate Whaledown

Schazer called out with a summoning yodel
Into the fray, descended the Fogel
Who’s mechanized whale caused terror and awe
And swallowed Y-Green in its massive maw
Who was slowly digested, and turned into poop
As Schazer and Seedy tried to regroup
But Fogel’s beauty was overwhelmingly strong
And exploded their heads with his haunting whale song

Then ICanhasdonut and ICan'tGiveCredit
And wielder of the great ballonicorn Chiralit
Pharas and Airey
Pi and Stiqqery
Demonsul
and Mister Viscery

MalkyTop
BlazerC
waterbottles
Mikeee
fivex Sotex, every angry shankee
maker of the games and Eidolonic
Garu beru Akumu and Pick Yer Tonic
All rose from the grave all zombie fast
And they shanked that Fogel in his bitchedy ass
It was a tidal wave of incarnate pain
Nola’s final attack split the sea in twain

The fight raged on for a week or two
Many stories told, but none were true
The champion stood, the rest were impostors
Granolaman with his blood-stained lobsters

This is the ultimate Whale down of Cetacean History
Belugas Narwhals and Orcas, as far as the eye can see
And only one will survive I wonder who it will be
This is the ultimate Whaledown
This is the ultimate Whaledown
This is the ultimate Whaledown of Cetacean History

The applause is deafening, and Granola caps off his performance by thunderously cleaving the podium in half, using the force generated to launch himself off the deck and go flying towards the shoreline.

Once again the Herald can hardly compose themselves enough to announce the next Duelist.

I-i-it's.... PALAMEDES!