Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

yd12k's spectral form floats toward the podium in full admiral's dress, barking a sharp command at the multimedia crew.

Banners unfurl and lights dim across the deck-hall, and a stirring anthem starts up as he stands in the spotlight, grips the podium and relates the tale of how he truly won the WHALE DUEL.

Once upon a time there was a brave, valiant, handsome, clever, insanely rad superninja cyborg. His hair gleamed like polished silver, and had the same effect on the werewolves that he slaughtered before breakfast. Only evil ones though. One day, a god decided to tell him: "yd12k, you must beat the everloving crap out of 7 smelly nerds in the whale dimension". He knew this couldn't be an actual god because he'd already punched so many gods in the face that the rest steered clear, including the ones that lacked a face. Indeed it wasn't a god but Shankdini. yd12k decided to do it anyway because he had some spare time inbetween bouts of magic cardio training and psychic getting mad ripped. So he ran into the whale dimension (N dimensional running isn't that hard to him) and went to punch NERDS.

Once in the whale dimension, he noticed he was above whale ocean and began plummeting down. Before landing he pulled a magic wall out of his back pocket and used it to jump up toward the also falling Palamades and punched him so hard the wind sheared across the ocean, forming a hurricane. The brine swept up and stuck to his face, giving him a saltbeard on top of his already awesome beard. Grabbing some flotsam that had been trust into the air and some of his ninja poison needles, he then headbutted the needles into the wood and built a viking submarine warship with cannons that shot meteors.

The second NERD he came across was Schazer, a well known whalebard rapper. Knowing that one could never truly defeat a rapper unless one burns them, he called upon his old friend from the whale dimension: Smogon the Seiwhale. Smogon was bred to perfection with only the most beneficial of natures, EVs, and Egg moves. (modest nature, scald, icebeam and hidden power grass with EV's in speed and special attack). Schazer was rapping as hard as she could, but this made her not hear the oncoming danger of Smogon, who attacked her from behind with Scald, getting the burn and depriving her of all her power of rap, upon which she immediatly drowned and forfeited like a coward.

He then used his bat echolocation form when he'd been a vampire (he got better) to find more NERDS. It seemed Pharmacy and Dragon Fogel had started working together to murder every other contestant before holding their final battle, and were now ganging up on Truegreen. He quickly sent Smogon to water spout on them, diverting their attention. The evil cheating NERDS quickly started shanking Smogon, but he had too much HP for the one hit kill and this gave yd12k time to fuse with Truegreen, forming WHYGREENTHOUSAND. he didn't have time to reflect on how the k in his name wasn't short for kilo so that didn't make much sense and quickly used Truegreen's NERDness to augment the cannons into LASER METEOR CANNONS and then he shot Fogel and Pharms in the back, but not before they'd killed Smogon.

He knew the ritual to raise the dead, but it'd require his own life. He prepared the ritual, and when the time came, Truegreen, moved by the tru brotitude between yd12k and Smogon, sacrificed his own life so they could finbump forever. This did attract Seedy, who saw his chance and used her knifegun to destroy the viking submarine. yd12k's robot parts began malfunctioning, and he kjnew he wouldn't survive an actual underwater battle long, when he saw his chance. Behind seedy swam a bunch of Oncorhynchus mykiss, and he knew just what to do. He sent a psychic wave to them, sending them into a suicidal kamikazi attack at yd12k, as trout are known to do. On their way, they snagged seedy, who was now being dragged to yd12k and unable to get a clear shot. yd12k raised his chin, and the trout impaled Seedy upon his salt encrusted beard, slitting her throat.

And that is how yd12k killed all the NERDS.

yd12k finishes, gazing sternly into the distance until his crew gives him the signal that yes, they had recorded his legend for future generations to hear. A slow, noble nod is all the admiral manages as his specter flickers out of existence, returning from whence he came.

The Herald wipes a tear from its eye before signalling for the hall to return to its default configurations.

WHO'S NEXT? IT'S NONE OTHER THAN... Dragon Fogel!