Food Trek

>Tell them that you want to check out the awesome cyborg optimizations that they're gonna do to you before you lose your minds to the hive. Send a crewmember (of a species that has the abilities come back unharmed at the end of all this!) and poison him so that they can absorb him...... and all die! A perfect plan!

Yes, just the right combination of cunning and daring!

"Before I agree, I need to know what kind of cybernetic implants and modifications we'll be subjecting ourselves to."

"Captain!" Vgarr hisses, "What are you doing?"

You would wink at him if you had eyelids. Instead you just gesture for him to be quiet.

"We will send over one crewmember! You can modify him, send him back to us, and we'll take a look. Deal?"

"Unacceptable. Halt your ship, and prepare yourselves to be boarded."

You have a feeling this guy did not attend the Dominion's mandatory series of seminars, 'Diplomacy and You: Empathize, Prioritize, and Compromise'

activate some kind of food pun stealth mode and then teleport behind them in a food way

You immediately spring into action. "Okay! I failed my diplomacy check! Turn off the coms, activate the cloaking device, power up weapons, let's go!"

The Luncheon's cloaking device begins powering up. Emitters on the hull beginning shooting out a thin coat of tapicloaka pudding, which quickly hardens into a shell, impervious to anything but the most powerful of sensor arrays.

"Alright, slow us and drop behind them, we'll--"

You're interrupted by an explosion that wrenches the ship and sends crewmen sprawling. Those Smorgasborg are quicker on the draw than you gave them credit for.

"They only inflicted minor damage, Chef-Captain," one ensign shouts over the blaring alarms, "but they shattered the cloak. We're exposed!"

Well dang.

This is simple enough. They're after your culinary techniques, so you just need to convince them that you aren't worth assimilating. Allow them to board and then serve them the worst meal you've ever made.

This goes against everything you were taught at the Dominion Culinary Academy. It goes against everything you stand for. But desperate times call for desperate measures. If it will save your crew, you will make... A SUB-PAR MEAL.

You hail the Smorgasborg once more.

"Halt your--"

"WE KNOW. We... we know. We're going to halt now! You can board us, and we'll demonstrate our techniques so you can absorb them."

"...Really?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you don't want to... oppose us some more?"

You shrug. "I believe you have informed us that opposition is useless."

"Well, yes... it's just... nobody has actually ever surrendered before. Most people fight us until the bitter, inevitable end."

"Yes, well, this is us surrendering. Prepare for the meal of your life."

"Yes. Good! Uh..." The Smorgasborg spokesman realizes that he has gone a bit off-script here. "Prepare to be absorbed! Resistance is useless. End communications!"

Vgarr gets your attention as soon as the screen shuts off.

"Captain!" He shouts, "What are you doing!? We can't surrender to those... those things!"

"Indeed we can't. Which is why I'm going to go down to the kitchen and prepare the worst meal I've ever made."

Vgarr looks shocked. "But Captain! You can't--"

"Shush. While I'm attending to things down in the kitchen, you get security armed and in position, in case things turn into a fight."

"Yes, Chef-Captain."

Now, you're going to need something truly, truly repugnant if you're going to repulse the entire Smorgasborg Hivemind. The more courses you can whip up, the better (especially since that will give the security teams more time to arm up and get into place). So, what are you going to prepare for your illustrious guests?