Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Niall's handy wrap up of shiz gone down - #1 "This fish shank ain't big enough for a whale!"

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SpoilerWelcome to Niall's earnest and entirely voluntary wrap-up of the first day's events.
Let's start with the opening votes:

My counterargument for who we should shankvote:

Shankvote: Beruru.

OK, I think we all saw that one coming. Next?

Vote: Niall.

I will have no 1D members at THIS party.

...I will tactfully let that one go, but this is your last warning. I can guarantee the real 1D Niall will rain hellfire down on you if he gets compared to me again.

Now we get to the finger pointing and the Competition for the Most Asinine Reason for Shanking Someone begins:

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I have a counter-counter argument.
Akumu is awfully close to Akuma which means demon in Japanese, y'know?
Shankvote: Akumu

First off, I take offense to the implication that I have anything to do with the monster known as Dang Ron Paul.

Secondly:
Akumu
A Kuma
A Bear

I don't know if this incriminates Akumu or Beruru, but there's definitely something fishy going on here. Something salmon flavored.

Lynch Akumu

they were bound to a certain contract while the sun stayed up.

Shankvote: Solaris

Let's shank in alphabetical order. GroupShank AgentBlue.

So first up it seems we have a string of shankvotes based on some tenuous link to the bitch's forum name. Good, but you lose points for lack of originality.

RVS: Schazer

Random.org gave me a one, one a one out of seventy-one. okay.

OK, certainly random, but not meaningless. Don't try and hide behind a curtain of chance, shank with conviction! Make the blood that seeps through the cracks 'tween your fingers as you thrust into the sternum of your unsuspecting victim all the more sweeter to lick off afterwards.

Shank: Dratini

Nihilist.

Lynch spadechuck for being a spade and not a blade,
Not a knife to stab today.

Utilitarian.

WOW OKAY FIRST DECREE AS YOUR NEW GODDESS

SHANK: TEHPILOT

Narcissist.

Lynchx1372

WOMBO COMBO

Yep, OK. You win.

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okay guys so here's my read list so far just based on my gut you know
...Maybe Not Scum But Possibly Also Third Party Slash Wild Card??
Solaris
Niall
Crowsy...

InB4 Obliterator. Plz no.

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Then, whales happened:

Also, Pharms, I hadn't seen your knife when I grabbed mine, I just like whales. Besides which, I combined whales and stabbing implements months ago, so it's clear who has priority here.

Claiming seniority? Such foolhardy arrogance.

We need a litmus test on who is the superior whale-aficionado.

Whale-based rap battle

OK, just for the record the appropriate response here isn't "Rap Battle", it's shank them and take their shank so there's no argument over who has the whale shank!

Obviously.

Akumu, that's a little gauche don't you think. Not really in the spirit of the noble members of the Cetacea. A majestic creature requires a majestic showdown.

Example:

youredoingitwrong.gif

So I heard you want to hear some raps cetacean, I'll take up your challenge, I'm no tourist sightseein'/
Ain't delaying/
Just saying/
You don't know what you're doin, slugger./
I'm impervious to heat, I'm coated in blubber./

Filter feeding on words in rhyming pods/
Keep ahead of you poor earthbound sods/
To catch me, you'll need the super rod/
So get beat, cos I'm bigger than a hundred cod.

Dammit, you're not even supposed to be in this argument. Shank them! SHANK THEM!

ALRIGHT BITCHES

OH COME ON! OK, I'll concede that is impressive, but you haven't shanked them yet. I give up! It's cochlea to me that my lobe of traditional means of conflict resolution is falling on deaf ears.

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Don't worry guys! I accept credit card!

Don't worry guys, I can fashion a shank out of a broken credit card! (That's a fantastic link BTdubs)

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Then there's my associates, the shouty, wordy people:

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NO, YOU FOOLS, WE MUST STAB KONEK0, THAT HE MAY GET WRECKED.

The screech of skidding tyres ... (RE-FUCKING-DACTED)

I REQUIRE MORE THAN ONE VOTE TO ERADICATE THE HEATHENS AND FIRST OF ALL IT'S GODDESS NOT GOD THIS IS VERY INSULTING

SHANK: ACIONYX

Karl Marx ”a powerful mind, a very learned man...(RE-DOUBLE-DACKED-DAMMIT)

Y'don' care f'r how I talk, you'n get better ears

Are you guys OK? CAn I get you anything? A glass of water? A throat lozenge? Oxygen tank? Valium?
I may have dodged a bullet here, role-wise.

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On some reflection, I think everyone has the right to shank at least once in their short lives.

No Lynch

I'm disappointed Akumu. This is the shanking equivalent of bringing your t-shirt cannon to a firing range and insisting they set up the targets for you. You don't earn the right to nightshank until you have survived Day 1.

Bleh, this post is a mess. I'm forum-rusty, me-thinks.
Elect: Akumu Hopefully through the gift of giving, Akumu will realise he needs to give his shiv to someone else, forcefully.
Also, Elect: Red709 because it looks like Red wants the gift and I am happy to oblige them.