Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Inevitable Pre-Game Flavor Apocalypse

Vista Paolo has a long and illustrious history. Originally developed as a retreat for local bigwigs under another name, the government’s debts forced it to sell the location to a particularly canny foreign investor. That investor deemed the site perfect as a launch pad for his brand of exotic resorts, and quickly set out to turn the newly dubbed Vista Paolo into the most desirable tropical getaway on the face of the planet.

He succeeded, as he always did. Vista Paolo became a byword for class, beauty and excellence; no holiday location could match the draw it had for vacationers. Staffed by polite and extremely well-paid locals, it seemed nothing could go wrong in the beachfront paradise. Nothing did, for quite a long time.


With the advent of Vista Paolo’s 30th anniversary, 71 individuals around the globe received a special invitation to the celebrations.

[Insert Titles/Name Here],

Congratulations! You have been chosen to attend the 30th anniversary celebrations at the Vista Paolo, providing the world with something to strive for since 1987!

Please find enclosed your travel arrangements and identification as a participant. Accommodations will naturally be provided by Vista Paolo, courtesy of your gracious host.

We hope you have a once in a lifetime experience!

Vista Paolo

Most recipients couldn’t believe their eyes. Vista Paolo was the most exclusive and fascinating spot on the planet, and they’d been chosen out of billions of people to go? The travel arrangements checked out, though, as did the exclusive identification-tickets. The guests packed their bags to a man, and set out for equatorial paradise.


Paradise they found in spades on arrival. The place was everything they’d heard of, thought of, dreamt of. For some it was a welcome return, but even they were still blown away by the improvements made for the anniversary. Others had never experienced a fraction of the luxuries they were now showered with. While the official 30th anniversary celebration was only on the following day the pre-celebrations lasted well into the night, and the visitors returned to their rooms blissfully exhausted.

They awoke to sunlight streaming in through their windows, and the wall-to-wall screens in front of them popping to life to show a figure each of them knew well upon hearing his voice. Some knew him intimately; some were acquaintances, others had only heard of him through the media that could not fail to report his globe-spanning influence.

“Mornin’! I hope you all had a good night’s rest. You’ll need it! Now, I’m sure you’ve been wonderin’. Why exactly have I called you here, out of all the schmucks out there – some of ‘em far more deservingly rich of this than you are, after all! But I’ve seen something in each of you. A righteous capitalist urge to grab life by the neck and throttle all you can out of it.

I respect that.

So I’m giving you a chance. The same chance natural selection gave our ancestors when they crawled out of the swamp. The same chance each of us has to forge our own destiny.

If you’re the last person standing in Vista Paolo, you get the whole damn place. I’ll sign it over to you – the property, the brand, everything.

After all, I’m done with the place. I’ve got a much better resort anyway. It’s on the moon.

So fight it out! I don’t care if you’re a poor or the biggest gold magnate this side of Australia. If you come out on top, you’ve won my respect – and my resort.

In the interest of keeping things civil, meet during the day. Decide who among you is a liar, a cheat, dishonorable, evil. Eliminate them. In the night, let freedom reign, do whatever you want. Your only other rule is this one: by your life and your love of it you shall not live for the sake of another, nor ask another to live for you.

In other words: KILL! KILL! KILL!

The world you desire can be won! It exists! It is real! It is possible! It’s yours… for the taking.

So take it!”


Dang Ron Paul signed off.

Pandemonium broke loose.