RE: The $300,000 Fight-A-Thon! [Round Two: Toyetic!]
02-05-2014, 03:26 AM
It was of course unusual to find a cat in a burger joint, but this was the obscure burger joint on the summit of Mount Toyetic. The poor manager was glad to have any visitors at all, even if this one didn't look like a paying customer. He pulled up a brightly colored stool and sat across from the cat, who was poking around the grill.
“You like some fries with that, kitty?” The cat looked at him pointedly, then poked its nose into the air, decidedly disinterested. Bored to hell, the manager reached under the counter and produced a small plastic figurine of a certain shark-faced villain, waving it in the cat's face. The cat froze and stared.
“Give me that,” it said, reaching for it with a paw. The manager jerked it out of reach.
“Nuh-uh,” he said. “These are for paying customers.”
The cat's eyes narrowed. “Give me that.”
The manager cocked his head, noticing the cat's bizarrely long legs and neck. “You're an odd one, aren't you?”
The cat hissed. “My name is Felus, not kitty. And I'm not an odd one, I'm the cat god.”
The manager clicked his tongue. “Regardless of who you are, you can't get one of these until you purchase a meal.” He tucked the toy back under the counter.
Felus's voice lowered to a whisper. “I swear, I'm going to lay your greedy head over that counter and slide my claws down your lying throat.”
“Violent, are we?” The manager chuckled. “I'd better take a look at that collar and get you home to your owners. It looks like rain.”
Felus stiffened. “I don't have owners, pissmonkey. That's not a collar, it's a watch.” He straightened his back and made a hmmph noise.
“A watch?” The manager gasped. “A watch?” Frantically, he pulled the cardboard box out from under the counter and dumped it on the floor, scattering plastic figures over the linoleum. He spun back to Felus, eyes wide in astonishment, holding up a miniature blue toy with absurdly long legs and neck. Just as his mouth dropped open, the poorly constructed stool snapped and deposited him on the floor.
Felus scowled and jumped lightly onto the man's chest. “I hope you're sorry.”
The manager nodded dumbly, making disgusting wet slapping noises when his mouth opened and closed. Felus sat on the man's stomach. “Now,” he said, “how far is it?”
“What?” said the manager.
“The watch, dummy! Read me the watch!” He slapped the man in the face with a paw.
“I...” said the manager. “I can't see it.”
“God, I can't imagine how any of my brethren get by,” said Felus, turning his back to the man. “Sometimes you humans are so useless.”
The manager swallowed audibly. “It says 354.”
“354 what?” Felus turned and looked him in the eye.
“I don't know!”
The cat's eyes narrowed. “Watch your tone.”
The man began to nod again, making those absurd fish noises, only to see something over Felus's shoulder and suddenly fling himself into a standing position, shoving the cat off disgracefully. Of course, Felus landed gracefully on his feet, disappearing under the counter.
“B-boss!” The manager was standing ridiculously straight. It looked like he might fall over.
His boss sighed. “What have I told you about animals in the store.”
“B-but, but sir! It's, it's...”
“You're fired.”
“Again?” The manager looked astonished.
His boss sighed again. “Of course, we don't have any other applicants, as usual.”
The manager's incredulous look quickly turned to one of glee. “So I can have my job back?”
“For the fifty-first time, yes. I hope this doesn't happen again.”
The manager gave him an ecstatic grin and made an exaggerated salute. “Yes, sir!”
“Now, let's get this cat out of here.” He ducked under the counter and scooped up Felus with one arm. “There you are.”
“Put me down,” said Felus.
The man sighed. “We can't have animals in the store.”
“I'm not an animal.” said Felus. “I'm a god.”
“I don't care.” The man pushed open the door with one hand. “It's a matter of policy, you understand.”
“That man groveled and prayed, and so should you.”
The boss smiled infinitesimally. “All cats are gods in their own minds.” They were walking down a mossy path that was half overgrown with weeds. It obviously hadn't been used in a while.
“You should be begging for mercy, not lying through your teeth.”
“What's your name? I'm Zach.” He almost slipped on a particularly mossy rock.
“Your name will be nothing after I tear out your throat and the crows eat out your eyes.”
Zach's smile grew wider. “Who are your owners? They must be worried.”
“I have no owners. I am a god!”
“Tell you something funny, all the stray cats have been missing from the city for months.”
“What did you say?” Felus squirmed a little.
“Let's have a look at that collar.” He shifted Felus in his arm.
“That's not a collar, pisspot. It's a watch.”
Zach seemed nonplussed. “I see. You're a watcher.”
There was a crack of thunder. “Put me down!” said Felus. “Now!”
Zach struggled to hold him. “Okay! Okay!” He fumbled with the squirming ball of fur and finally untangled himself. One of Felus's claws caught on the skin of his knuckle and a bright red gash appeared. The rain began to pour down. It felt like nails being pounded into his skull.
Zach jogged over to where Felus was huddled underneath a tree. Each step was accompanied by a squish from his already soaked shoes. Felus was equally soaked, his body pressed as close to the tree trunk as possible, ears flattened to his head and eyes wide with fear.
“Hey,” said Zach. “Hey, let's get out of here. I'll take you to the humane society. It's dry there, okay?”
Felus shook his head weakly. “Just.. just tell me what it says.”
“What? What what says?”
“The watch. The watch! Just tell me if we're getting closer!”
“What?”
“Just tell me if the numbers are going down. Just do that for me.”
Zach picked up Felus with two hands and tried his best to shield him from the rain. A stray gust of wind blew the rain straight into his eyes. They were both shivering violently. “Let's get you out of here.” Zach's voice was lost in the wind. He ran, tripping and stumbling down the increasingly wet path.
“Are we getting closer?” Felus shouted. “Tell me we're getting closer.”
Zach shifted Felus a little so he could see his neck. The numbers slid from 386 to 387 to 388.
“Yes. We're getting closer. Just hold on.”
Felus nodded. Twenty minutes later he found himself still curled up in Zach's arm. They were in the city, in the shadow of two towering buildings. The air smelled like piss and human sweat. Felus could see little besides the inside of Zach's jacket, but he glimpsed crushed aluminum cans and paper bags. What am I doing? thought Felus. Letting myself be touched by a human?
He craned his neck and saw Zach whispering something in the ear of another man. The stranger nodded and opened Zach's jacket a little to peer at Felus's neck. Felus hissed. The stranger chuckled.
“He's awake, is he?”
“Zach,” said Felus. “Who is this? What are we doing?”
Zach paused. “He's, uh, telling us the way.”
“Put me down.”
Zach and the stranger met each other's eyes.
“Now!” Felus squirmed.
Zach put Felus down.
“He's just telling us the way.” Zach met Felus's eyes carefully.
“Telling us the way to what?” Felus snarled. “The way to what?”
Zach said nothing.
“What does the watch say? How far are we?”
The stranger looked pointedly at Zach. “Get it together, Aaron.”
“Shut up,” said Zach/Aaron.
“Your name is Aaron? Have you been lying to me the entire time?” said Felus.
“Aaron is my last name.”
“Zach Aaron? Your name is Zach Aaron?” Felus spit. “Tell me what the watch says.”
Zach Aaron put his hands out in front of him, as if to say, calm down. “Listen, he's just telling us the way.
“Don't you lie to me. Don't you fucking lie to me,” Felus said. “Just tell me what the watch says.”
“Man, I saw this thing on the telly,” said the stranger. “Just grab it. It's just a cat.”
“I'm not just a cat. I'm a god. I am. I am a god and you are not going to grab me.” Felus backed up to the wall. “No human may touch me. No human may touch me!”
Zach Aaron stood up and put his arms at his sides. “878. The watch says 878.”
“You lying pisspot.” Felus's eyes narrowed. “I hope you choke on your own greed.”
“Just fucking grab it!” The stranger lunged for Felus with an open hand. He missed. Felus disappeared into the shadows hugging the walls.
“I just wanted to show them that a Watcher had arrived,” called Zach. He looked into the darkness, his eyes unfocused.
“You tell them, then. You tell them that I've arrived. Tell them to lock their doors at night. Tell them to latch their windows and keep their children close.” Felus's voice echoed in the narrow alley. It seemed like it was coming from every direction. “Tell them that their end has come, because I swear, I will bring this filthy city down on their heads. It will crumble. It will burn. You tell them that, Zach Aaron.”
Felus tripped and fell down a hole. He, of course, landed perfectly on his feet.
A black shape coalesced out of the darkness. It had the familiar smell of blood and fur that comes with living on the streets for a lifetime. Felus understood instantly. They bolted down the tunnel, their sides rubbing against the smooth dirt walls. Soon, the tunnel opened up into a sewer, and a dozen more cats joined them, racing silently towards an unknown destination.
Their run was endless. Each time the sewer branched off, a dozen more cats merged into the crowd, Felus always at the head. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he was going the right way. Each tunnel bore its own smell. This one was marked by one gang, that one by another, the third by another. The smells began to merge. The smells of his followers became more diverse, cats from all over the island, every gang and every clique and every family merging into one great swarm of darkness flowing through the sewers.
As abruptly as the tunnels began, they ended. The walls disappeared and Felus found himself in an enormous circular chamber filled with the smell of cats and blood and death. In the center of the chamber was an enormous shrine, circling up from the floor, a mountain of dead birds and rats and balls of yarn. It was littered with Chinese takeout and hot dogs and human body parts. Felus raced to the top. He could see clearly to the walls of the chamber, infinitely far away, where hundreds of tunnels branched off in all directions. Hundreds of cats swarmed out of each of these chambers, and the infinite masses, the writhing, infinite masses of cats bowed and paid homage to their one, true god.
This was his weapon. Not guns or rocketships or magical skateboards. Faith. Faith was all he needed.
“You like some fries with that, kitty?” The cat looked at him pointedly, then poked its nose into the air, decidedly disinterested. Bored to hell, the manager reached under the counter and produced a small plastic figurine of a certain shark-faced villain, waving it in the cat's face. The cat froze and stared.
“Give me that,” it said, reaching for it with a paw. The manager jerked it out of reach.
“Nuh-uh,” he said. “These are for paying customers.”
The cat's eyes narrowed. “Give me that.”
The manager cocked his head, noticing the cat's bizarrely long legs and neck. “You're an odd one, aren't you?”
The cat hissed. “My name is Felus, not kitty. And I'm not an odd one, I'm the cat god.”
The manager clicked his tongue. “Regardless of who you are, you can't get one of these until you purchase a meal.” He tucked the toy back under the counter.
Felus's voice lowered to a whisper. “I swear, I'm going to lay your greedy head over that counter and slide my claws down your lying throat.”
“Violent, are we?” The manager chuckled. “I'd better take a look at that collar and get you home to your owners. It looks like rain.”
Felus stiffened. “I don't have owners, pissmonkey. That's not a collar, it's a watch.” He straightened his back and made a hmmph noise.
“A watch?” The manager gasped. “A watch?” Frantically, he pulled the cardboard box out from under the counter and dumped it on the floor, scattering plastic figures over the linoleum. He spun back to Felus, eyes wide in astonishment, holding up a miniature blue toy with absurdly long legs and neck. Just as his mouth dropped open, the poorly constructed stool snapped and deposited him on the floor.
Felus scowled and jumped lightly onto the man's chest. “I hope you're sorry.”
The manager nodded dumbly, making disgusting wet slapping noises when his mouth opened and closed. Felus sat on the man's stomach. “Now,” he said, “how far is it?”
“What?” said the manager.
“The watch, dummy! Read me the watch!” He slapped the man in the face with a paw.
“I...” said the manager. “I can't see it.”
“God, I can't imagine how any of my brethren get by,” said Felus, turning his back to the man. “Sometimes you humans are so useless.”
The manager swallowed audibly. “It says 354.”
“354 what?” Felus turned and looked him in the eye.
“I don't know!”
The cat's eyes narrowed. “Watch your tone.”
The man began to nod again, making those absurd fish noises, only to see something over Felus's shoulder and suddenly fling himself into a standing position, shoving the cat off disgracefully. Of course, Felus landed gracefully on his feet, disappearing under the counter.
“B-boss!” The manager was standing ridiculously straight. It looked like he might fall over.
His boss sighed. “What have I told you about animals in the store.”
“B-but, but sir! It's, it's...”
“You're fired.”
“Again?” The manager looked astonished.
His boss sighed again. “Of course, we don't have any other applicants, as usual.”
The manager's incredulous look quickly turned to one of glee. “So I can have my job back?”
“For the fifty-first time, yes. I hope this doesn't happen again.”
The manager gave him an ecstatic grin and made an exaggerated salute. “Yes, sir!”
“Now, let's get this cat out of here.” He ducked under the counter and scooped up Felus with one arm. “There you are.”
“Put me down,” said Felus.
The man sighed. “We can't have animals in the store.”
“I'm not an animal.” said Felus. “I'm a god.”
“I don't care.” The man pushed open the door with one hand. “It's a matter of policy, you understand.”
“That man groveled and prayed, and so should you.”
The boss smiled infinitesimally. “All cats are gods in their own minds.” They were walking down a mossy path that was half overgrown with weeds. It obviously hadn't been used in a while.
“You should be begging for mercy, not lying through your teeth.”
“What's your name? I'm Zach.” He almost slipped on a particularly mossy rock.
“Your name will be nothing after I tear out your throat and the crows eat out your eyes.”
Zach's smile grew wider. “Who are your owners? They must be worried.”
“I have no owners. I am a god!”
“Tell you something funny, all the stray cats have been missing from the city for months.”
“What did you say?” Felus squirmed a little.
“Let's have a look at that collar.” He shifted Felus in his arm.
“That's not a collar, pisspot. It's a watch.”
Zach seemed nonplussed. “I see. You're a watcher.”
There was a crack of thunder. “Put me down!” said Felus. “Now!”
Zach struggled to hold him. “Okay! Okay!” He fumbled with the squirming ball of fur and finally untangled himself. One of Felus's claws caught on the skin of his knuckle and a bright red gash appeared. The rain began to pour down. It felt like nails being pounded into his skull.
Zach jogged over to where Felus was huddled underneath a tree. Each step was accompanied by a squish from his already soaked shoes. Felus was equally soaked, his body pressed as close to the tree trunk as possible, ears flattened to his head and eyes wide with fear.
“Hey,” said Zach. “Hey, let's get out of here. I'll take you to the humane society. It's dry there, okay?”
Felus shook his head weakly. “Just.. just tell me what it says.”
“What? What what says?”
“The watch. The watch! Just tell me if we're getting closer!”
“What?”
“Just tell me if the numbers are going down. Just do that for me.”
Zach picked up Felus with two hands and tried his best to shield him from the rain. A stray gust of wind blew the rain straight into his eyes. They were both shivering violently. “Let's get you out of here.” Zach's voice was lost in the wind. He ran, tripping and stumbling down the increasingly wet path.
“Are we getting closer?” Felus shouted. “Tell me we're getting closer.”
Zach shifted Felus a little so he could see his neck. The numbers slid from 386 to 387 to 388.
“Yes. We're getting closer. Just hold on.”
Felus nodded. Twenty minutes later he found himself still curled up in Zach's arm. They were in the city, in the shadow of two towering buildings. The air smelled like piss and human sweat. Felus could see little besides the inside of Zach's jacket, but he glimpsed crushed aluminum cans and paper bags. What am I doing? thought Felus. Letting myself be touched by a human?
He craned his neck and saw Zach whispering something in the ear of another man. The stranger nodded and opened Zach's jacket a little to peer at Felus's neck. Felus hissed. The stranger chuckled.
“He's awake, is he?”
“Zach,” said Felus. “Who is this? What are we doing?”
Zach paused. “He's, uh, telling us the way.”
“Put me down.”
Zach and the stranger met each other's eyes.
“Now!” Felus squirmed.
Zach put Felus down.
“He's just telling us the way.” Zach met Felus's eyes carefully.
“Telling us the way to what?” Felus snarled. “The way to what?”
Zach said nothing.
“What does the watch say? How far are we?”
The stranger looked pointedly at Zach. “Get it together, Aaron.”
“Shut up,” said Zach/Aaron.
“Your name is Aaron? Have you been lying to me the entire time?” said Felus.
“Aaron is my last name.”
“Zach Aaron? Your name is Zach Aaron?” Felus spit. “Tell me what the watch says.”
Zach Aaron put his hands out in front of him, as if to say, calm down. “Listen, he's just telling us the way.
“Don't you lie to me. Don't you fucking lie to me,” Felus said. “Just tell me what the watch says.”
“Man, I saw this thing on the telly,” said the stranger. “Just grab it. It's just a cat.”
“I'm not just a cat. I'm a god. I am. I am a god and you are not going to grab me.” Felus backed up to the wall. “No human may touch me. No human may touch me!”
Zach Aaron stood up and put his arms at his sides. “878. The watch says 878.”
“You lying pisspot.” Felus's eyes narrowed. “I hope you choke on your own greed.”
“Just fucking grab it!” The stranger lunged for Felus with an open hand. He missed. Felus disappeared into the shadows hugging the walls.
“I just wanted to show them that a Watcher had arrived,” called Zach. He looked into the darkness, his eyes unfocused.
“You tell them, then. You tell them that I've arrived. Tell them to lock their doors at night. Tell them to latch their windows and keep their children close.” Felus's voice echoed in the narrow alley. It seemed like it was coming from every direction. “Tell them that their end has come, because I swear, I will bring this filthy city down on their heads. It will crumble. It will burn. You tell them that, Zach Aaron.”
Felus tripped and fell down a hole. He, of course, landed perfectly on his feet.
A black shape coalesced out of the darkness. It had the familiar smell of blood and fur that comes with living on the streets for a lifetime. Felus understood instantly. They bolted down the tunnel, their sides rubbing against the smooth dirt walls. Soon, the tunnel opened up into a sewer, and a dozen more cats joined them, racing silently towards an unknown destination.
Their run was endless. Each time the sewer branched off, a dozen more cats merged into the crowd, Felus always at the head. He didn't know where he was going, but he knew he was going the right way. Each tunnel bore its own smell. This one was marked by one gang, that one by another, the third by another. The smells began to merge. The smells of his followers became more diverse, cats from all over the island, every gang and every clique and every family merging into one great swarm of darkness flowing through the sewers.
As abruptly as the tunnels began, they ended. The walls disappeared and Felus found himself in an enormous circular chamber filled with the smell of cats and blood and death. In the center of the chamber was an enormous shrine, circling up from the floor, a mountain of dead birds and rats and balls of yarn. It was littered with Chinese takeout and hot dogs and human body parts. Felus raced to the top. He could see clearly to the walls of the chamber, infinitely far away, where hundreds of tunnels branched off in all directions. Hundreds of cats swarmed out of each of these chambers, and the infinite masses, the writhing, infinite masses of cats bowed and paid homage to their one, true god.
This was his weapon. Not guns or rocketships or magical skateboards. Faith. Faith was all he needed.