A.S.S.L.O.R.D.

You are one of the most notable MEDIOCRE EMPLOYEES at the A.S.S.L.O.R.D. COMPOUND, your terrifying lack of skills is second only to that dickbag JHORMA, the BOX LABELLER GUY with literally no brain whatsoever. You like to blame this deficit on the buggy COMMAND IMPLANT embedded in your noggin, sometimes it keeps you brainwashed, but most of the time it just tells you to do weird shit like "RETRIEVE YOUR ARMS FROM SOMETHING" or "HARVEST A SINGLE PUMPKIN".

You've been working for minimum wage as a CORPSE CUSTODIAN for as far back as you can remember, everything before the EMPLOYEE RECONFIGURING PROCESS is a messy blur. You guess those things are just part of the job when you work for an EXTREMIST REBEL FACTION, oh well!

You have the feeling the implant's about to malfunction again for some reason. What will you do?