Quick Dirty Bastards: For All The Lovers Out There

QUICK DIRTY WACKY RACERS
(according to Guy Peterson)

A lot had happened so I am going to try to write it down. I'm no Peter Marshall (who I think is like, technically half-dead???), so that's why I am getting Shodan (scary) and Lydia December (not so scary) to help me on this. Which is good because I only have one good arm and I don't have a really good memory. But I KNOW Damien Tanner is still around. I mean SOMEONE has to keep taking bites out of my sandwich...

Anyway to the summary.

SpoilerShow

Life was boring. Lydia was cleaning the sink. Peter was speaking Portuguese for some reason. Harvestine is still...somewhere? I think? Anyway, Moss from the Chromes (the scary robo-gang) sent over an invitation to us. It was a Racing Rally at Greenhill, which he persistently reminded us was totally different from the Robo Rally. Shodan said “you guys need a bit of fresh air anyway.” Yeah, true. We need fresh air. And the EIGHT THOUSAND NUYEN PRIZE WOOO.

So. After waving goodbye to Peter, we scoot our butts into the Omnicomet, which Lydia decided to take control despite the fact OTHER people know the directions but whatever. The trip was fairly uneventful other than the fact that the Beanarnke GPS was a piece of shit and we got stuck on the Space Needle and we freefalled into a homeless shelter and crushed a bunch of hobos. Oops. Regardless. Omnicomet with a Hover function? Kick ass.

We got to the school and as expected, it was full of Chromes (the scary members) and Chrome vehicles (the scary robo-cars). It was kind of obvious we are Clearly Outmatched with this amount of mechanical overcompensation, metal, and B.O. So, we decided to call up our contacts. Shodan called up Agatha Withers (nice old lady). Lydia called up Maxine the Machinist (angry short lady).

I, ah. Didn't had any useful contacts. So I decided to call up TNT (not a lady). Yeah. Not a great decision on my part.

It turned out Agatha was joining the race and she was like “I hope to kick your ass in the race, dearie” in the sweetest tone ever. D'aaaaaawww. I don't really want to meet her face to face. TNT answered my call immediately after and I think he enjoys explosions waaaaaaaaaaay too much. Maxime called up last (but that was because she was making scrap metal with her bare hands hardcore) and we went over to her place at Malware Market. I guess?

Maxine started to spitting and swearing with such simultaneous precision that I have to make up a new word for it. It's called “spwearing.” Maxine was all spwearing because the hobo-blood got over Omicomet and it was “FUCKING SHIT-PISS HARD TO REMOVE IT'S PRACTICALLY GLUE YOU KNOW.” And Lydia was like “can you be my co-pilot in the Robo-Rally.” Maxine did this expression that was between angry and surprise and she was like “oh sure, why not.”

And then Maxine and Lydia went off to their own car-mechanic business. Shodan and me were left behind. Except Bourbon came along. Bourbon is this giant troll shopkeeper. He was also the one who tried to sell me a penis-enhancing cyberarm earlier. To Shodan, he was all like “hey, yo, I gotta deal for you.”

Shodan was like “yeah, like what.”

Bourbon was like “Listen, you know Maxine. She's all like DRONES DA BEST EVEN THOUGH CYBERWARE IS CLEARLY BETTER HARF HARF.”

Shodan sighed. This was the time when she decided on pretending to listen or just grenade the person in the face.

“And she is clearly wrong. And short. So I am recruiting you to run in the race as my guinea pig. Er. Evidence. That Cyberware is clearly the superior technology. Kapish?”

Shodan was like, “I guess.”

“EXCELLENT,” and Bourbon let Shodan into his stand. And I was planning on going home until RCA Studios II was like “sup motherfucker. What's the number on your Lynx.”

I gave him the number. Because I am not great at making decisions.

“Good. Now here's the plan. I'm driving. You's gonna be my face. Not my actual face, mind you because my face is simply too sexy to be replaced. Then we are going to win. Don't worry about drone-upgrades, gotta bunch of offshore bank accounts just for that...”

...it was kind of clear that “nope” was not an answer.

We all bought tons of upgrades because ha ha money, who gives a fuck. I'm too lazy to write it down so our shopping receipts are going to be attached at the bottom. I managed to go back to the race first, but mostly because RCA entered us in via Matrix. Shodan came in...empty-handed? She strutted her self to the sign-up desk, mostly because she punched away those in front.

“So what's your name,” the receptionist (reCYBERtionist) was like.

Shodan signed her name all classy-Shodan style in the 'Rigger' section.

“Mm'kay,” the recybertionist was like. “What's your vehicle?”

Shodan signed the “Vehicle” with her name.

The recybertionist's digi-eyes glanced up. “You sure?”

“I am the vehicle,” she snarled. And suddenly a golden halo glowed around her head. Or maybe it was one of her Bourbon augments overheating again.

The recybertionist stared at Shodan, slack-jawed for like three minutes before going “'Kay, sure. Why not.” And he gave Shodan the techno-stamp of entry.

And just when Shodan finished. A familiar-looking van skidded to a halt, accidentally crushing three prone cyber-punks under its wheel. The back door busted open, accidentally snapping off the navy blue thong that was inexplicably stretched over the back-end of the vehicle. Four molepeople came out of the familiar vehicle. And out of the familiar vehicle came out a familiar person.

“Mm, da da mm-da DA da da,” JJ swaggered over to the sign-up desk. He was air-guitaring pretty hard and did a double pirouette up in the air. “Da-daDA-gonna win this motherfuckin' prize. AW YEAH. DA DA da. Gonna win this shit, yo. Da da-mmm-daaa. Oh, hey Guy. Da da doo daa. Mmm da da da.”

Lydia and Maxime all came back uneventfully and damn, the Omnicomet was hella souped up. We and 100000000000000000 [Edit: Guy, it wasn't that much– Lydia] other people were going to the starting line. There was Shodan just doing those weird stretches Olympic people do at the beginning. Lydia and Maxime were giving each other cyber high-fives (and actual high-fives). JJ was doing that very rude gesture where you stick your tongue between your second and third finger. Agatha (whom the insult was for) just licked her index finger and pressed it on her car (?), making a hissing noise between her teeth and--

“Yo Guy.”

“BWUHHH? TNT???” I was like.

“I managed to rig EVERY GODDAMN THING IN THIS BLOCK to go BOOM-BADDA-BING,” he slapped his stubby little knees. “Don't worry payment's on me, amigo.” He gave a wink that didn't help make things get any better.

“WAIT” I was like. “YOU SAID EVERYTH--”

“WELCOOOOOOOOOMMMMME, RACISTS,” Moss's disembodied face appeared in front of the racers (and my incoming nightmares). “TO THE RACING MAAATTTCH.”

“Uh,” Lydia was like. “Isn't it technically be racers?”

Moss glanced at Lydia and shrugged. “To-mae-to. To-mah-to. Same thing. ANNNNYWAAAY, RACIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTS. ON YOUR MARK. GET SET. GOOOOOOOO.”

Annnnd we went off. By “we,” I mean Shodan. Because woah, she just bumrushed out and just cloaked the entire field in a smokescreen. It kind of came out near her butt, which was unfortunate because Moss was like “I guess she was BREAKING IT.” Meanwhile, everyone just groaned at that really bad pun. Needless to say a good portion of the racers railed to the side and smushed into the walls. This was going to be very intense race.

Team Lydiaxine's Omnicomet voltron-ed to the Omnicomet. But flying. They started to carpet-bomb the area with glorious, glorious missiles. Many cars exploded horribly but it looks kind of augmented, so I suspect part of it was CGI. I had my Steel Lynx (my giant robot cat) drenched in hobo-blood so I decided to ram into a car. Because hey, it seemed like a good tactic at the time. Also hobo-blood is hobo-glue. Unfortunately, it was in a rather...compromising situation.

“OOOOOOH LOOK AT THAT LYNX GO,” Moss bellowed in laughter. “THE FASTLLUS AND PHALLOUS no wait that wasn't such a good pun, huh.”

The guy in my dong-car was furious as hell. I kind of feel bad for him because it was my fault. Some of it was because I was going to a major cause of his loss. Some of it was because no one has the right to be some vehicle's symbolic genitals. So I asked Vista to knock him out.

(On a side note, I really don't get Vista. Windows Vista, that is his name. He's all weird and violent. And he doesn't have a face too. He just popped up one day, and later he claimed he was my Paragon, whatever that means, and let's be honest, I kind of want him to go away. But.)

Anyway, me and RCA dumped the guy off on the sidelines via ejector seat. Everyone zoomed into the Malware Market. Apparently, not a lot of the shopkeepers got the message that the Racing Rally was ooOOOOOOOOOON. There were a lot of alleyways and stuff. And screaming people. A lot of things got ran over. I think I ran over a fruit stall. I can't quite remember.

Meanwhile, Shodan scored a Panther XXL.

“Heh. I always was a bit of a cat person,” Shodan smiled marveled at her edge as she disappeared around the corner. Flames, charred body bits, and a hubcap erupted from the nearby alleyway, indicating her “cat” (as in “gun”) was in working order.

“Oh hey, Lydia,” meanwhile, Maxine was like. “Can we pass by Bourbon's stall while you at it?”

“Sure,” and Lydia did.

Maxine proceeded to take out an incendiary grenade and toss it into her rival's workplace. The workplace proceeded to implode in a flurry of flames and cyberparts. The architectural integrity came and went like Halley's Comet and sputtered like the aftermath of Peter's Fading check.

“Wow,” Lydia was like. “A little much?”

“Naw,” Maxine smugly sat down. “Maybe.”

We moved to the sewers, which was practically a dinky stinky hole in the wall. Maxine to Lydia was like “OH SHIT, PILOT CHECK.” And the weird side-wings just fold in and they went in with the wing tips going screeeeeeeeeeeeee on the sewer walls. They did a backflip and they were driving on the ceiling. Hardcore. And pretty soon more vehicles came in. And the thing bottlenecked like hair in a shower drain. I guess at some point Shodan was like “fuck it” and emptied her explosive arsenal in the front.

BOOM. It was pretty boom, alright. Rubble start falling. Cars collapsed like glorified tin-cans. Shodan managed to gymnastics out of the way, because she was basically in the front anyway. Team Mad Max and Loco Lydia spread wings and made it to the highway to Heaven. Well, as for me. I kind of wiped out on the side. I guess my luck had ran out.

But I wasn't going to let my shit-luck get in my way.

I told RCA to torch the dong-car off. So he did, but because I was a STUPID IDIOT and standing in the line of sight of the flamethrower. I was slightly singed and I think my five-nuyen shirt disintegrated halfway. Oh well, at least I am still alive. I hopped on the Lynx and galloped away like some crazy elf on a robot cat.

We went on the drawbridge. And then we went off the drawbridge. Then I lifted up the drawbridge. Because I had some control over the drawbridge [Edit: See Crimson Mescaline Incident: Session 3; Part 2. – Shodan] so no one behind us can pass the drawbridge. It was very interesting, you see. We went into the suburbs and OH SHIT, HOUSE ROBOTS.

“Well, dearie,” Agatha sighed. “It looks like my very rude neighbors decided to pay a little visit. I guess I'll throw this race.” She turned to Shodan.“Best of luck, Shodarling~”

She galloped off, sburb-sideways. Shodan teared up a little but dammit, she had a race to win. She will WIN THIS RACE. FOR AGATHA. She gymnastics away. Because she was always good at gymnastics. Lydia to the Lyd and Maxine to the Max followed close behind.

Let me tell you. Agatha is terrifying. I saw her kick the head clean off one of the Homeowner's Associations (the baddies that try attacking her apparently?). I will admit I was slightly afraid of her considering how scarily buff she was, but she was nice enough to give me her contact number and a peppermint gum. I wanted to talk to her more but alas, a giant red laser had to split us apart. Perhaps next time, Agatha. Perhaps, next time.

At the end of the sburbs, the Roborally District. And tentacle monsters. Oh God.

Lydia and Maxine flew up higher because hey, they are airborne. And tentacle monsters were not (yet). Shodan was like “I have been preparing for this scenario for ALL my life” and pulls out a...pie launcher, firing delicious rhubarb pies into the sewer abominations's mouths. They were all like “Bwarh?” “Ooo.” “Nom.” “Mmmmmm.” And pretty soon there was a wall of tentacle monsters. All who cannot tell the difference between car and rhubarb pies. This was definitely not “coincidental” because “coincidental” and “Shodan” do not exist on the same wavelength.

I later asked Shodan where she got one of those Pie Launchers. She just winked.

Meanwhile, I was like “AAAAAAAAAAGHHHH” because flashbacks but RCA was like “AWWWWWYEAAHHHHHHH.” And we started kicking, shooting, and murdering all the incoming tentacles. I guess I got a little edge back at that point but I can't say the same for JJ because I kind of (as in “intentionally”) backflipped the Lynx onto his van.

“What the fucking fuuuuuuuuckaloo,” JJ said (I swear, word by word) as I kind of (as in “deliberately”) opened his van with a chainsaw despite the fact there was a perfectly good sun-roof two inches away from me. Molepeople lobbed Molotovs at me. I picked up JJ with my Steel Lynx and of course, he was going to retaliate. So I sent in Vista.

I guess it was a cool idea at that time, like most bad decisions.

Meanwhile at the more advanced pastures, Shodan and LydiaMaxine went into the LoneStar District. You would think it was emptier considering Lonestar contract went away a couple some-time ago, but nope full of direborgs. Because Renraku snapped up the contract. Because profit.

Shodan was comparably tiny as far as Racing Rally entries go. She managed to bypass the Lonestar Renraku District with comparably ease (it probably helps she is technically part of Renraku, employee benefits!). Lyd and Max, however, had to deal with a helicopter (heliCOPter?).

“DEAD OR ALIVE YOU ARE COMING WITH ME,” the pilot said.

“Wow, way to be clever, pal.” Lydia was like.

"I'm gonna open a new hole in his ass," Maxine proceeded to swing over and began to carve a hole right underneath the pilot's seat. Lydia told me Maxine was on a Merrie Melodies binge the night before.

And the two aerial vehicles started to exchange missiles, swear words, and snappy comebacks.

Meanwhile, I don't really remember what happened but Vista told me I was screaming “YOU KNOW WHAT I AM. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM. I AM PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, MOTHERFUCKER” and kind of smashed a window with a tire iron and oh, he knocked out JJ. I guess I had to take his word for it because I had JJ in the front. And four molepeople on me, piddling on my back. Great.

And another dumb idea came to me. I was mostly ignored mostly because there was a flying convertible soaking up the spotlight, not to mention I had my Chameleon Coat on and I wasn't gaining significant ground. So, I climbed the highest building and and turned the Lynx around. I was like “yeah I totally passed physics, man!” And shot off all my missiles.

Everything blew up (THANKS TNT). The direborgs are like OH SHIT. OH FUCK. DOES NOT COMPUTE. And there was this gigantic tsunami of rubble and robot-parts. It was amazing. Also terrible. I flew across and accidentally decasspitated the heliCOPter with the worse end of the Lynx. JJ and four molepeople tumbled into the Omnicomet. I flew pass. Because.

“AAAAAAAAAA, HOLY CRAP,” the pilot, who wasn't decasspitated, was like, as he fell down the metahuman-sized hole that Maxine had just finished. Which pretty much saved his butt. “AAAA.”

Shodan took a nearby hot-dog stand and rubble-surfed into the Slum Fires [Edit: See Crimson Mescaline Incident: Session 3; Part 7. – Shodan]. Lydia pondered what to do with the unexpected guests until the molepeople decided to piddle all over her seats. Maxine was whooping and taking potshots at the nearby Redheads with her Returning Wrench +5. I kind of meteored down. I survived but my Lynx didn't.

“Nooooope,” Shodan wasn't willing to be Zombie Chow. So she'll have someone else do the job for her. She scattered down some hobo-bait and like a Final Fantasy summon, hobos started to appear out of nowhere and unlike a Final Fantasy summon, proceeded to get eaten.

I didn't want to be Redhead chow either, so I sat my ejector seat and just cannonballed my self out.

NOT A GREAT DECISION ON MY PART. I got stuck to underside of the Omnicomet because there was a bit of hobo-blood-glue on myself. I was never a big fan of heights and my viewpoint wasn't exactly helping assuage my fears. Of course, since my shittytastic luck is shit, I had to overhear a conversation.

“Yeah, you know,” Lydia was like. “We aren't closing the distance from Shodan. We need to NOS.”

“Activate the NOS?” Maxine was like, fiddling with the hologram effigy of a middle finger she made just for this event.

“Activate the NOS.”

“NOS?”

“NOS.”

“AAAAUGUGUUGUGHGHGHHHHHHH,” I proceeded learned the hard way what exactly a “NOS” was as my hair erupted into high performance flames. Naturally, I screamed because holy shit, how else you were supposed to react when you are stuck on a flying car a couple thousand feet from velocity-induced death and your HAIR IS ON GODDAMN FIRE.

“Do you hear screaming,” Lydia was like.

“Naw, that's just birds. Sometimes, those little shitheads get into one of them nitrious oxide thrusters.” Maxine clicked her tongue. “Makes a bit of a godawful ruckus.”

“No, no,” Lydia was like. “It just sounds too...pathetic to be a bird.”

I was still screaming. Obviously.

“I'm going to check.” Lydia said.

The trunk opened and Lydia looked over and found me and my stupid self stuck to the back end of the vehicle. She look slightly amused.

“Get in, Guy.” And she pulled in me. Into the trunk. She was currently wearing a teal trenchcoat with a blue blouse and light orange boots. I know, because that was all I can see. It was hella awkward.

And then uneventfully we went on. It was uneventful because we were the only ones on the road, considering that everyone else was either exploded, shot, crushed, stalled at the bridge, arrested, buried under tons of rubble, joined the Redheads, ad nauseum. Pretty soon, Greenwood started to pull up back again. And a familiar person.

“Doot doot doot first place, motherfucker,” Jimmy Two-Legs (or No-Legs? Whatever) sang on his weird Daliseque vehicle. It was like a really tall scooter with even taller legs. It looked pretty stupid. “Gonna win--”

And his vehicle was immediately obliterated by a collaboration between Shodan and Lydia. A collaboration with EXPLOSIONS.

“Well I guess it's the two of us,” Shodan was like to Lydia. “Only one of us can win.”

“Hold on,” Lydia was like. “Why don't we do a tie?”

“I had a tie once,” Shodan the Competitive said. “It was terrible.”

“Come on, have a little faith,” Lydia said. “You know this can benefit both of--”

“Uh, guys,” Maxime was like. “That JJ-fella is gone.”

Everyone looked out. There was JJ. He had hacked a camera-drone and currently going on it at a fairly breakneck speed. Yeah, he looked like a dork, but hey, anything for eight thousand nuyen, you know?

“LEARN TO LOCK YOUR DOORS, YOU DORKS,” JJ shouted back before mumbling. “Bunch of dinguses...”

And then the Final Race was on. JJ and everyone else. It would be pretty dramatic and stuff but there wasn't anything interesting. There wasn't a lot of distance left. All the entries are either gone or MIA. It was three miles from the finish line. The loneliest three miles ever.

So I decided to climb out of the Omnicomet and just tackle JJ down.

The hobo-blood (and my weight) did a great job at entangling JJ. Shodan and Lydia (and Maxine too) finished. Their edge was razor-perfect because they, as Prophecy told, had tied. A flawless finish. Moss was spazzing out and he was like THIS IS THE BEST THING I EVER HOSTED IN MY LIFE AWWWYEAAHHHHHHHHH.”

I guess so. I just took off my clothes and used what remained to tie up JJ. I wasn't really a fan of JJ but he didn't deserve to just stay there. You know?

Shodan, Lydia, and Maxine shared the first place. I took second place. JJ and his trussed up self took the third. Shodan and Maxine got their cashmonies. I got a silver-foil chocolate, which was nice. The audience (the entrants that somehow inexplicably survived despite everything pointing against that) applauded. It was nice. I guess.

I went down. And I borrowed a shoulder spike. I kind of ineffectually threatened JJ. “Give me information about Evocorp or I'll stab you.” It wasn't really my best impression, but. I guess it was effective because he seemed complacent. I didn't really want to kill JJ but JJ wasn't exactly the most shining example in Seattle. Well, so was I. I just didn't want to pay. But I wasn't because I was cheap. I wanted knowledge. I want to know why Evocorp used me. Why was I chosen. Where do I come from. What. Whys. Wheres. So many questions. So little answers. I give up. I decided to go back to Shodan's Apartment. I am so tired.

But the walk was so long.