SCP-MAFIA -NIGHT 4 - ...again!? 10/21

Goodness gracious me Pardner my-oo, ain't yer such a downer if der e'er was un! 'course y'all orta tawk t' me, 'cause I be tellin' y'all now, I sure do know me stuffs 'n thangs. I got me-self a proper edgy-cation, y'see; 'n I knows me barrel from me triggar 'n all them ud-ther thangs. Fer instunce, good ol' Pardner Sparky gotta grand ole que 'bout ta good-fer-nothin' varmint who thanked it may-t be funny ta 'vite his cacti buddies ta this ere slaughter-pardy, 'n I be of the right-n-p'aarper 'pinion that Pardner Key-I-A-cutie 'ere gotta lotta 'splainin' to do. How-da bastard know so fast what ess-sea-pee was surprisin' me when I took me-self awff to ave a piss last night after Pardner Deeds got me ma tea 'n scones? Key-I-A-Cutie ere went'n told y'all so fast, y' cud'n e'en blink! Now the armpit-crawler's tawkin' big 'bout ow he wants Mister Cactus Controlluh double dead, 'n that jess don't sit right wid-me, y'hear? He's jess too insistent ta be nice 'n sincere...

I got me-self some udder good 'uns - raisins, I mean - but I dun wanna tawk 'bout them yet, 'cause y'all gotta promise yer won't take it all ta wrong way. Y'all be too darned paranoid, fellas and, uh... lady? Huh, that ain't no good fer ta' farmin'... now yeah, as I wa'sayin', when I imp-part me infurmayshuns, y'all allud to take em widda grain o salt, okay, but y'ain't ta write me awff jess 'cause I did my time fer ta udder side. I got me-self some jen-yew-wine grey madder what does all ta sigh-co-lodge-e-cals, 'n a mighty shawter 'itlist o pawsible rustlers, yer understand?