Consistency

In Soviet Russia, adventure update YOU!

Ah, of course. That explains the strange changes to your body - your adventure has been updating you since you arrived here in Russia.

Clearly, you have only two options for stopping these transformations. You can either find some way out of Russia, or you can overthrow the Communist government so that you're no longer in Soviet Russia. Either way, you'll have to move fast - there's no telling what your adventure will do to you with its next "update".

IN A.D. 2101, UPDATE WAS BEGINNING.

HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN.

ALL YOUR UPDATE ARE BELONG TO US.

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.

WHAT YOU WILL DO?

> do the rudebox, shake the rudebox

"Hey! What are you doing, jerkface? Put me down! Quit shaking!"

The rudebox doesn't seem to appreciate your attempts to shake it, but then again, it doesn't seem to appreciate anything else you do either. You can't help but feel this thing was a waste of money.

Suddenly, a police officer runs up and grabs your arm!

"All right, pal, you're under arrest for rudebox abuse! Honestly, the things people think they can get away with in public these days. Now come along quietly, mister."

Great. This stupid rudebox is just causing more trouble. What are you going to do now?

Go to hell.

You look over the portals several times, then decide to take the one to Hell. You're sure that the Artichoke of Destiny will be there!

You find yourself falling towards a pit of fire. You're beginning to wonder if maybe it would have been better to make some preparations before entering the portal. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. So what's the plan now?