Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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Spoiler

>Head on over to the library

Go to the library.

>It occurs that you should probably bring someone with you so you don't end up inventorying the book before you can read it.

You pop back into the War Room and announce that you’d like someone to help you in the library for a moment. If you had to gauge the mood of the group you would say they look primarily bored and a little bit pissed off. The dryad to whom you are unfamiliar responds.
“Sure, I’ll go with you.” He says. “If it’ll you know, move this thing on a little bit. There is kind of a war on you know. If you hadn’t checked.”
“Thanks.” You say courteously.
“No problem.” He says. “The name’s Bracken. Brigadier Bracken, but you know, just Bracken will do. Or just Brigadier if you want. I’m not fussy.”



As you head down the corridor Bracken informs you that he is in fact a dryad, you know just in case you were wondering, and it’s totally okay if you want to ask him anything. He realises that not many people outside of the Principality of Hel actually meet a dryad and it’s totally cool if you’d like to know if he can like make plants grow or stuff like that. You tell him you’ll bear it in mind, as you arrive at the door to the library. Evidently someone really thinks there is something dangerous in there.



As you enter the library you are overwhelmed by an acrid smell like something slowly rotting in the sun, and are met by a curtain of thick green fog.
“Ugh god.” Bracken says. “Your library isn’t supposed to smell like this is it? Because that’s a really inappropriate smell for a library.” Emerging from the doorway you see thick dark green goop covering the shelves, and dangling from the ceiling some kind of slime encrusted object. “Oh man.” Bracken continues. “This is the worst library I’ve ever been in.” He pauses. “Well technically, you know, the only library I have ever been in but it’s still pretty bad.”

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>Inventory that green fog.

After grasping ineffectually at the air around you for a minute or two you chalk it up to the obviously poor design of this elite inventory. You will have a word with whoever it is that owns Hammerspace Inventory Solutions as soon as this crisis has blown over. Until then you will just have to be content with inventorying reasonable items.

>Put on a pair of shades so you can remove them and say "Error 404. Corpse not found." Feel like a badass. Feel less like a badass when you realize it should be "corpse found" because I mean what else could that thing be but that doesn't fit the joke. Feel like an idiot for making a dumb one-liner that doesn't even work in front of someone new.

“Error 404. Corpse not found.” You do not let the fact that you have no shades that you can put on and take off for dramatic emphasis and the fact that even if you did you would not be able to do because of inventory issues put you off from putting on and taking off a pair of shades as you make your awesome pun. Bracken stares at you uncomprehendingly. “It’s a joke.” You say. “You have them in Hel right? Hel hasn’t gone so far as to outlaw jokes?”
“No.” Bracken says. “No you’re right. Comedy. I like comedy. Comedy’s good. Can’t beat a bit of comedy, that’s what I always say. Lightens the mood. Helps you relax. You know. It’s good. I liked it. Can’t say I understood it, but that’s just me.” He pauses. “By the way, you erm, appear to have… some kind of erm… physical tic. In your hands. They went all funny for a minute. Maybe get that looked at, perhaps?”
“No it was part of the joke.” You say. “Because I was being that guy off the crime scene investigation program.”



“And he’s like a broken down robot is he?” Bracken says. “When presented with an area that does not contain a corpse his programming falters and he defaults to bizarre hand movements and non-sequiturs?”
“No!” You insist. “Error 404 is an internet thing, when they can’t find the page you are looking for.”
“Oh.” Bracken says. “We plants and half plants have a network of roots that span under the Principality that is more or less the same thing as the internet; except when it can’t find the thing you are looking for you get an asymmetrical formation of amber instead of this Error 404 thing. What you could have said was: ‘Atypical amber coagulation: no corpses here’.”
“Either way it doesn’t work.” You say, getting tired of trying to explain the intricacies of your inherently flawed joke to a man who apparently shares no cultural reference points. “Because that is quite clearly 404’s body encased in sludge up there.”
“Oh you reckon?” Bracken asks. “Well probably, now you mention it that does look a bit suspicious. Perhaps what we are looking at here is the corpse of your librarian after all. Which rather unfortunately ruins that joke you did before. Which is a shame, you know, I quite liked your joke. Well, you know, once it had been properly explained it was very amusing.”

>Reconnoiter nearby areas of the library while asking Brigbrack to expound on his racial abilities and quirks.

As you follow the trail of slime seeking the beast that attacked and killed 404 you ask the Brigadier to tell you a little bit about the dryads.
“Well as you know Hel has always been something of a turbulent Principality. In the old days, a couple of years ago it was always one bad day away from being an all out race war between the humans and the sentient plants. That was until we dryads, half human and half plant, were officially declared a distinct species in of ourselves. Since then the reported incidents of racism, hate-crimes and interspecies skirmish between humans and plants have plummeted. I’d like to think that us dryads have helped bring together two sworn enemies and show them that they aren’t all that different from one another. We haven’t, but I’d like to think that. It’s better than thinking that neither species can stand you and have in fact teamed up specifically to hunt you down.” Bracken explained.



“And as for special abilities well it does kind of depend what genus you are. Those that descend from snap traps gain the vice like strength of their ancestors; those that descend from flypaper traps get use of sticky mucilage. I’m just foliage so I don’t get any of the good stuff. Tell you the truth I don’t even flower. I get the thick bark-like skin of course; everyone gets that, the root network and also if I eat well, and photosynthesise plenty of energy during the day then I don’t need to sleep. Which you know, isn’t bad. I can’t grumble really.”



You eventually arrive at a familiar doorway, emerging from which are two trails of slime, one heading off to the entrance, the other, who knows? This doesn’t seem like the work of The Librarian as a) he died and b) he would not approve of slime on his precious books. You remember that 404 told you that this was where The Librarian kept his most secret and powerful tomes, you can all but guarantee that you will not find the manual you are looking for in there, but without either librarian alive to give directions on where you might be able to find this manual you have no idea where it could be. It would take weeks to pore through this entire library, even if there wasn’t a horrible slime monster on the loose or a war on.
“What are we doing?” asks Bracken. “We’re not going down that ominous tunnel are we? I really hope we aren’t going down that ominous tunnel. We are going down the ominous tunnel aren’t we? I just knew it. The first time I saw that ominous tunnel I was like ‘I bet I have to go down that’. It’s been one of those days.”

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SpoilerUpdated Library Map (only observed changes have been marked):

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The Royal Wedding happened

“Now I have you.” The demon laughed demonically. “And there is nobody who is going to save you this time!”
“Help!” pleaded Princess Jormungandr, struggling against the demon’s strong grip. “If only a brave handsome Hellcaller would save me from this awful demon…”



“Fear not.” Said the brave handsome Hellcaller. “I will save you from this awful demon.”
“Oh my hero.” Replied Princess Jormungandr.
“What is going on here?” asked the demon.
“You’re about to pay for kidnapping my fiancée!” James Nox, Hellcaller extraordinare said.



“Oh help!” the demon said. “Please don’t kill me James Nox.”
“No.” said James Nox and then he killed the demon.



“Hooary!” said the princess as she kissed the handsome Hellcaller on the mouth. “This is the best day ever.”
“Lets get married.” James said. “Right here.”
“But we are in Hell.” Jormunagndr said. “We cannot have a wedding here.”
“Do not worry, I did prepare you know.” And then the wedding was on.



“Do you Princess Jormungandr take this awesome hellcaller dude to be your husband and all that?” asked the priest.
“I do.” Jormungandr said eagerly.
“And do you James Nox, Hellcaller extraordinaire take this woman to be your wife etc, and so on…?” asked the priest.
“Yes.” Nox said. “And now for the honeymoon…”



...writes James Nox. This is clearly his best peice of Princess Jormungandr fanfiction ever, seeing as it's grounded in about 75% FACT.



There he is right now. Arsing around despite the fact that he made a decision to try to be less of a useless braggart and help you escape from Hell.

Unfortunately you cannot be James Nox right now because you are too busy being you, and he is too busy writing pervy fanfiction about you. Maybe later.

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>Don't be ridiculous, of course you won't be going down that tunnel.

You'll go UP that tunnel instead!

You carefully make your way up the ominous tunnel, Bracken hanging back as much as possible. “Are you quite sure that this is the only option?” He asked. “I don’t mean to contradict you or anything. I’m sure you know your own business, but wasn’t there a selection of maps back there? Surely we could just find the book you need on a handy map of the library?”
“They’re useless really.” You counter. “Just a dense jumble of brightly coloured symbols that while indicating where a shelf is give no indication as to what any given shelf is. Whoever designed them was clearly an idiot, and I could say the same for whoever designed this whole library.”



In the reading room, all of the Librarian’s precious demonic tomes are covered in the disgusting slime. But otherwise it is as empty as it was the last time you were here. “It’s safe. See, nothing but a dead end, we’re fine.” You say to Bracken, who is hanging back a ways in the corridor. “Perhaps it’s not even really a problem? I take a blood sample; make a new clone to pick things up and all that other hands on stuff, and I just make sure I don’t go around touching anything I have need of. That is a feasible idea right?”
“I guess.” Bracken says. “I don’t really know much about cloning, we don’t have it in Hel. Say is it true that clones reproduce asexually? Just split in half like amoebas?”
“Yeah, sure, why not.” You say. “Let’s go.”



“Excuse me Jor.” A booming voice stops you, for an ominous booming voice it sounds surprisingly well educated and a little pretentious. It seems to be coming from all around you.
“Who goes there?” Bracken blusters into the room as though he’s going to be of some help.
“Sorry, I apologise for the over familiarity.” The voice says. “What I meant to say was May I beg your pardon Your Highness. Cloning, it’s a tricky business isn’t it? I just so happened to meet a clone of yours in the Pit. Jor and I, we got on like a house on fire. It seems only natural that you and I should get along, don’t you think?”



The source of the voice becomes apparent as eyes spring open from the demonic ooze. Before you can formulate a response the slime creature continues. “There is no need for such alarm, Princess. I assure you that I am playing for Team Jormungandr, I know a winning team when I see one. Okay The Sareta Scorpions you are not, but that is why you need my assistance. I believe I can be of some assistance with regards to this book you are looking for.”

>Well, first things first, find out who the hell this thing is

Your confidence somewhat buoyed by the fact that this demon doesn’t appear to be attempting to murder you just yet, you demand: “Okay, first things first, who the hell are you?”



“I do apologise Your Highness.” The demon replies. “It has been so long since I had civilised company, I have completely forgotten my manners. My name is Samigina, but I would much prefer that you called me Sam. In terms of demons I am a scholar, not a fighter, and oft-times more a merchant than a scholar. My dominion, such as it is, is over delicious delectable information. You give me information; I in turn give you information. Luckily for you I have the memories of both of your librarians at my disposal. I can tell you where pretty much any book is in this absurd library.”

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SpoilerMirroring is now complete. I really need to update this though because it's pretty clear that this update doesn't really leave you with much to do. Expect an update soon.