Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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SpoilerAnd then I started playing Bayonetta

> daydream

You are Princess Jormunetta. Aside from being a princess you are also a badass witch. You kill angels for some reason and you can conjure demons out of your hair or something. You are currently in the Gates of Hell bar casually licking a lollipop. Rubin is serving at the bar.

What will you do?

---

You walk over to the bar.
"Hey Jormunetta." Rubin says. "Check this out 'whattaya buyin?'" Rubin chuckles to himself. "I heard that in a game once." You roll your eyes; Rubin's repetitive jokes are beginning to grate on your nerves a little.


You glance over his goods, your eyes alighting on the Platinum Ticket which is available for 999,999 spoons. You have been craving that Platinum Ticket ever since the day that Rubin got it in stock. Something that pricey and in such a bizarre currency as well... well that has to be something good which in no way could endanger your life. Obviously.

OPEN FOR LONG ANIMATION

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You recall the many hours of spoon hunting that you had to do to acquire the 999,999 spoons required for the Platinum Ticket. You can't help but feel that your super awesome demonic skills were somewhat wasted on this task. Nevermind that now though. You finally have all the spoons you need and you can't wait to get the Platinum Ticket you so thoroughly deserve.


"How about you get me that-" You start. Suddenly an angel appears, disrupting the flow of conversation.
"This neighbourhood is really going downhill." You say to Rubin. "You should think about hiring a bouncer."
"You do what you do best Jormunetta." Rubin says with a grin.
"What? Daydreaming?" You ask. "Oh right you mean fighting angels. Of course."


A quick glance through your inventory reveals that you have one LP that you forgot to give Rubin.


"Hey Rubin." You toss him the Golden LP. "Think you can get me something that is equal parts impractical and deadly?"
"Another LP?" He asked. "You're working me to the bone!" You roll your eyes and let him get on with it.


For now you should focus on killing this angel. You pause for a second. Just one angel... and not even a skyscraper sized one! This guy will totally be a piece of cake. Obviously.

---

Jorm: Be adorable at him.

You never really were clear why you went around killing angels. You put your differences aside and become the best of friends and everyone lives happily ever after.

THE END.

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MY solution in spoiler,

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"Hey!" says Rubi. "I really can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?"
"I guess not." You say blearily. "What were we doing again?"
"Seriously?" asked Rubi. "I do more recapping on this adventure than actual events to recap."
"No." You say. "I'm fine. I remember. Lost reading room, find the magic book, go to Hell."
"Good." says Rubi. "Next time you go into one of your daydream comas I'm not waking you up."



"Here we are." You say, gesturing to an empty bookshelf that is shaking violently. It looks like a book is trapped between it and an adjacent shelf. The movement has tipped out all the books all over the floor, something which you resent; making this castle look a mess is YOUR job.

---

>Attempt to prise out stuck book.

> Deslaaj buk.

You pull the book free from between the shelves and watch as the shaking shelf, now free to move, ascends the wall in a completely rational and normal manner. As it climbs the wall it exposes a secret passage, labelled secret just in case someone was to confuse it with a regular passage.

> _

"Oh for christ's sake." Rubi sighs. "> Go into the secret passage." She pauses and glares at you. "Can we get a move on now?" You roll your eyes.
"Obviously I was going to go into the secret passage." You respond. "I totally wasn't going to make book-angels." Rubi sweeps past you, agily opening the door with her tail and disappears into the darkness within.



You nervously make your way down the dark passage, following Rubi who seems to getting anxious for all that excitement that you promised her. Eventually you step out of the corridor into brightly lit cavernous room. After the dark of the corridor it takes your eyes a second to adjust.



When they do you see the world's tallest mound of books, and entwined within it, huge black tentacles. High up in the highest reaches of the book pile you think you can see someone.



The Librarian looks up from his book.
"Finally." He says. "Do you know how long I have been waiting to be rescued?"

---

>"what exactly are we rescuing you from, no offense but the pile looks steep but climbable, and it looks like the tentacles are friendly. since one seems to be holding your book for you."

"What exactly are we rescuing you from?" You ask curiously. "No offense I'm sure you were very trapped and everything, but that pile looks climbable, although steep and the tentacle things don't exactly look hostile...?"
"Something was blocking the way out." The librarian replied. "I think something had jammed in the bookcase, preventing it from ascending and letting me out. It's a good job I had plenty of reading material or else I would have gone quite mad."



"All's well that ends well I suppose." You say, with a shrug. "Now how about you come down from there and help me find a book I'm looking for. It's called the...?" You glance at Rubi expectantly.
"The Mortumbris Abyssex." She supplies.
"The Mortumbris Abyssex." You say. "I was informed it was in here."
"Oh really?" The Librarian asks huffily. "By whom?"
"Oh I hired a new librarian." You say. "He's not as organized as you are but on the plus side he doesn't mind me touching the books."



"So let me get this straight. As if it wasn't bad enough that you were always touching my precious books with your sticky fingers, you leave me to rot in here for twenty long lonely years, you hire a new librarian who files books away haphazardly and lets you molest them in any way you see fit and then finally you come to rescue me but you aren't interested in me at all. No you want to pilfer books from my private collection." The Librarian ranted angrily. He paused, taking a deep breath and attempting to calm himself down. "I have been waiting for this moment for a long time Princess. When I have finally wrung the last breath out of your corpse then I will have done a great service to books everywhere."

---

>Light the pile on fire. The demon book will probably survive.

Jor: Briefly mention to Rubi how she's not really that scary once you get to know her.

Burning things is always the best strategy. Except for when you can eat them instead, obviously. Unfortunately you do not possess matches, a lighter or even the basic pryokinesis required to start a fire at will. Suddenly a thought occurs to you.



"Hey Rubi, think you could burn that mountain of books for me." You ask.
"Obviously a great idea but I lack the means to start a fire." Rubi replies.



"What are you good for then?" You ask, annoyed.
"I'm good for lots of things. I am incredibly versatile I'll have you know." Rubi replies quickly. "It's not my fault that the one thing you have asked me to do is outside my many areas of expertise."
"But come on, you're a demon." You reply emphatically. "Making fires should be second nature to you."
"Not all demons like burning things." Rubi replies. "Like not all princesses like getting captured by the bad guys."
"I'm pretty sure no princesses like getting captured by the bad guys." You reply thoughtfully.
"My point is stop being so prejudiced against demons." Rubi says.
"You know you aren't as scary as you made out when I summoned you." You say sullenly.
"Oh, is that right?" Rubi snaps. "Let me show you how scary I can be..."









"Not so not so scary now am I?" Rubi asks.
"Ahem." The Librarian cuts in.



"You're going to have to do better than that." It says cockily.

---

You are now this guy; James Nox, Accomplished Young Hellcaller. You are very skilled in summoning demons and binding them to your will. You are often called upon to protect Princess and Principality, fighting off powerful and bizarre villains and getting into absurd situations. You are, in short, a big damn hero. Very recently the ground opened up and your house fell into Hell itself. At first you assumed that some demons had been really pissed off and they'd pulled you down here somehow and in responce you painted some demon warding sigils on your walls and doors to keep them out. However since no demons have shown up in the last few hours you're guessing maybe this isn't the case. The only beings that have shown up are a couple of tortured souls that have started hanging around outside. You aren't really sure what to do now.

---

JN: Admit to readers that you are only a beginner hellcaller and that you have only met Her Highness Lisa Jormungandr in your own fan fiction. It's no time to pull such shenanigans, with the tortured souls and all.

> JN: You could ask the tortured souls what's going on.

>Paint a few warding sigils on yourself, just in case.

Okay maybe you are exaggerating a bit. You haven't actually been called on to protect Princess and Principality, and you aren't quite as good a Hellcaller as you claim to be. But, in fairness, that Demonology book is hard going and quite frankly a lot of effort.



You did consider skipping ahead to the more advanced chapters at first, but your brother beat you to it, and ended up dead by the hands (tail?) of a Mischief Spirit. As such you have committed to reading through the book, performing the rituals and gradually building your skills. You just haven't got around to it yet.



"Hey tortured soul guy." You say. "What's going on down here?" He responds but you can't make out what he is saying through the window. From the look of his speech bubble it's something about Princess Jormungandr giving a crown to a demon.



You daub some vaguely runish shapes onto yourself. Oh yeah these are probably demon warding sigils or something. Definitely. Oh wait hang on. What?



This is not right.



You attempt to shield yourself as you suddenly feel yourself being buffeted in the face by an giant invisible waffle.

---

Nox: Quickly take out your iPhone and use the Demonology app to find out what kind of creature does the waffle thing. Protect yourself accordingly.

Clearly this tomfoolery is the demented work of some kind of demon. Discerning which type of demon will allow you to fight back against it's infernal machinations. You grab your yPhone, the latest in phones with a letter in front of their name technology.



You open up the DemonSpotter app. It is primarily designed for demonspotters looking to identify types of demon that they have spotted but it is also useful for Hellcallers like yourself looking for the best way to battle those demons. It's not like you have a profile and keep track of all the demons that you have spotted or anything. That would be lame. You enter a brief description of your current situation and hit search.



Just one result, you open it up.



That's just silly. Surely you would know if there was a Wire digging into your spine and causing you to hallucinate. After all it claims that you would be in extreme pain, and you're not.



Oh fuck! It's a wire! There's a wire digging into your back! What are you going to do?!

Meanwhile, a minute or two ago on the surface:

Try to focus light through the champagne glass of demon droll, starting a fire on the pile of books

You use your latent Lumikinetic powers to shine an intense ray of light through the champagne glass onto the pile of books setting them ablaze and killing The Librarian. Or not, because you don't have Lumikinetic powers and also there is no such thing as Lumikinetic powers. What a fucking waste of time.

Apply Lipstick to both yourself and the voodoo doll, feed waffles to the voodoo doll. Savor the super-waffles.

You briefly recall the warning Rubi gave to you, not to touch her stuff back when she first shared her inventory with you. Didn't you look different back then? You think when you get back to your room you will put your red dress back on because it is so much cooler. Anyway you figure it should be okay if it is an emergency.



You can't help but feel disappointed as you fail to enjoy super-waffles. This isn't doing anything. This voodoo doll is clearly broken. Stupid voodoo doll.

Just stab repeatedly with your one needle. <_<;

In a fit of disappointed rage you repeatedly stab the voodoo doll with the pin.
"Jor?" Rubi asks from off-screen. "What are you doing?"



"Your voodoo doll is broke." You reply. "I wanted to enjoy super-waffles, but it doesn't work."
"It works fine, you just didn't link it with yourself correctly." Rubi explains. "In order to link a voodoo doll with a person you need something of the head, something of the thread, something of the body and something of the dead."
"Oh." You say.
"Now how about you stop messing around and help me fight this guy?" Rubi asks.

---

> Make a Formspring Account

For some reason you have decided to take this opportunity to create a Formspring account where you can answer questions from people. This is clearly the most useful course of action you could have taken at this point in time.

---

Also, use the linking book. Surely there's something useful in where it links to.

"Hold on Rubi." You say, as you pluck the librarian's diary from your inventory. "I'll be right back."






You shoot a flaming arrow at the pile of books, as the librarian monster writhes some books plummet and reveal a massive black heart. This is probably a weak spot.






The librarian dies... One book angel complete...
What do you mean he doesn't look like an angel?


BLUH BLUH BOOK ANGELS



"Nice work Jor!" Rubi exclaims. "You were all over that weak spot, eventually."
"Saved your ass." You say.
"...Yes, but the time it took to save my ass I had managed to tie up most of his limbs and I had got the book, we could have just walked away." Rubi says. "Oh and by the way... I got the book!" she produces it from her inventory and beams happily.


"So that's everything." Rubi says. "We're now ready to proceed to the afterlife."
"Wait, hang on. Weren't we supposed to have a human sacrifice." You ask.
"Oh right, while you were searching for the reading room I found and incapacitated your demon clone." Rubi replies.
"How incredibly convenient." You respond. "So... what now?"
"Now we go and perform the ritual to open the door." Rubi says.
"Back to the war room then I guess." You say.


"You made it finally." Ioaijeuaio says, as you walk in. "Finally got up off your ass eh Princess?"
"I would advise you I am now armed with a weapon which I wield with an uncanny accuracy despite having only owned it for five minutes. You would do well to stay on my good side." You say humourlessly.
"Woah sorry, I didn't realise it was your time of the month, your highness." The squid replies snidely.
"Hey!" Rubi interrupts diplomatically. "Ioai, why don't you go off to the library, find Jormungandr's unconscious demon clone and bring her back here?"
"Sure thing Rubes." Iaoijeuaio says cheerfully. "Your highness." He says icily, glancing at you, and leaves.


Rubi immediately sets about setting up the ritual.
"I'm just going to go and change into my red dress." You say. "It's so much more iconic." Rubi makes a noise that indicates while she is currently distracted she finds this agreeable.


While you are getting changed you consider that leaving your sisters unsupervised up here is probably not a good idea. You decide to call upon the one person you trust to be your contact in the mortal realm... Yourself.


No, not Yourself; the creator of the popular video game Sminly. Yourself as in you yourself. Via the process of cloning.

> Red yourself with that syringe. Then orange it into the cloning vat.

"Hey Jor." Rubi says, as you re-enter the War Room. "Lookin' sharp. And just in time for the ritual as well."
"Hooray." You say, somewhat unenthusiastically. "Get on with it then. Do whatever you need to do."
"Well I will but you have to do something as well." Rubi says. "Don't worry it's nothing big, you don't have to go off on another fetch quest."
"Well...?" You ask. "What do I have to do?"
"It's simple; when I say you just to stab your demonic clone self through the heart with this poker." Rubi says.
"Pardon?" You ask incredulously.
"You knew this was coming Jor." Rubi says, handing you the poker, she firmly grips your shoulders and guides to over to a spot next to your demon self. "It really should have been obvious; that you would have to kill someone to go to Hell."
"Can't Iaoijeuaio do it?" You ask.
"Iaoijeuaio is on a cigarette break. Like me and the demon agreed while you were off in dreamland." he responds.


You stare down at your demon clone's face. It may be deformed and hideous but there's still some part of you inside there. "Rubi..." you say.
"I know." Rubi replies. "She might superficially look like you but she's part demon. If she was to wake up she wouldn't hesitate to kill you in a heartbeat."
You look down at your demon clone. She's not like you. She's one of the enemy. It's you or her, and it's not going to be you.
"Okay." You say. "I can do this."

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