Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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Spoiler

Minutes Ago, but not many:

You are Princess Lisa Jormungandr. You are currently floating in a pool in your guard's quarters. This guard has just been disrespectful to you. Yet another barrier to your quest to travel to Hell and retrieve your soul.



If only life was easier. If only it was easy to get to Hell, to find your objective and to defeat the Big Bad... Your mind begins to wander and you daydream a similar but different princess with similar but different problems and a similar but different demon companion...

Now:



"Jormungandr..." Rubi says. "Jormungandr... Jormungandr!"



"Uh, what?" You say eventually, your attention returning to the room around you.
"Well it's about time you snapped out of it." Rubi says. "You've just been floating there daydreaming for ages."
"Huh?" You say.
"Yeah it's all very well and good for you." Rubi says. "Floating there. Acting as though you're brain damaged. I bet it's all very relaxing. Meanwhile I'm out here in the real world getting your job done for you."
"What?" You say.
"I managed to convince thingy, squid boy, to come with us and be your bodyguard." Rubi says. "Turns out we're both massive Sportsball fans. We bonded. It was a bonding experience."
"Huh?" You reiterate.
"He says he'll meet us at the portal to the afterlife when we eventually get it opened." Rubi says. "Which, since we only need three more items off the checklist could hopefully be sometime this side of the apocalypse."
"Uh?" You say.
"And while you were daydreaming I restyled your hair and your face changed shape." Rubi says. "It was weird, but you didn't seem to be in any pain so I just thought I would let nature take its course."

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SpoilerRecap:
























I think that just about covers the story so far.

---

You are Princess Angela Rahab. A demon visited you and stole your favourite handbag and now you must travel into the abyss to retrieve it or something.

How will you proceed?


"JORMUNGANDR!" Rubi yells. "No daydreaming! When I signed up with the forces of good I was promised a significantly more exciting experience."
"Calm down Rubi." You say. "I was just gone a moment." You glance down at your skin to notice how wrinkled and gross it has become. "Erm... okay maybe it has been a little bit longer than I thought." You pause. "Also, eww."

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Spoiler
After quickly towelling off and retrieving a new dress from your room you are finally back ready to get back to collecting things so that you can go to hell.
"Okay so here's the story so far:" Rubi says. "You were minding your own business when Tchort, a dick of a demon if there ever was one, came along and stole your soul, and also your other body though that's not as important since you've cloned yourself so many times you appear to be going senile. After that you got to work on going to hell to retrieve your soul from the demon in question. You ended up summoning good old me and I graciously agreed to come with you in return for excitement and mischief. In order to make a safe portal into the afterlife you need the following items: A book called The Mortumbris Abyssex, something which has come from Hell, a human-ish sacrifice, some gold coins (which you got from your very helpful sisters who are very helpful) and a bodyguard, which you have in the form of a stoner squid called Iaoijeuaio who I recruited while you were having an elaborate daydream. Then you had another daydream and then I told you to snap out of it. You dried yourself off and got changed, which I totally did not watch, promise, and then I started telling you what had happened thus far."



...



"Thanks for that." You say sarcastically. "Let's get on with it then."

---

>Enter War Room. Fight.

You head into the War Room to find that Hel and Fenrir are already fighting. Normally you'd stick around to enforce the 'no fighting in the war room' policy but what with all that daydreaming you have been doing lately you don't really have time to waste on those two at the moment.

Take some of the giant thorny plant from hell.

This is an excellent idea. You feel very proud of yourself.



Pausing only to taunt General Oioujuoaie you make your way to the alleyway.



You pull a thorn from the giant thorny hell plant from hell that inconveniently obstructs the back exit from the castle.
"This grew up, straight from Hell." You say. "It will count for the 'thing from hell' right?"
"Yeah that'll do." says Rubi. "Good work. Three down. Two to go. We are making excellent progress."



"Excuse me, Princess." says Slim, the black market trader. "That'll be three spoons."
"Pardon?" you say. "This isn't your giant thorny hell plant from hell."
"That doesn't mean to say you can just come and take it." says Slim. "This isn't your alleyway you know."
"Yes it is." you say.
"Well yes technically it is." says Slim. "Technically this is your entire castle. That doesn't mean you can wander around picking stuff up like some kind of kleptomaniac."
"Actually it does." you counter.
"Well." Slim pauses. "Yes it does I suppose. Can I have three spoons for it anyway? I've got shady children to feed you know." You roll your eyes and, slipping the hell thorn into Rubi's inventory, make your way back inside.

> Check on Demongandr!

You come to the conclusion that if you have been daydreaming as long as Rubi implied then your demon clone should be ready for now. Together you will be able to solve even the most obtuse item collection puzzles. You briefly scold yourself for being so wrapped up in getting a new dress that you forgot to check on your demon clone while you were in your bedroom.



You find that she has gone. And you get the impression she probably doesn't want to be BFFs.



"Rubi!" you exclaim. "My demon clone! She's gone!"
"Yeah...?" Rubi says "...and?"
"And we have to find her!" you say.
"Okay." Rubi says. "Where shall we look?"
"You are the worst dashing sidekick ever." you say. "I guess since we've been everywhere currently available to us except the library and she wasn't in any of them we should check the library."
"But she might have been in the war room. We only saw the room from one angle." Rubi says.
"..." You stare blankly at him. "That is the most stupid thing I have heard you say yet." You pause to regain your train of thought. "Oh yeah... To the library!"



You make your way to the door to the library. Before you enter something that has been scratched into the door catches your attention.



It's... it's... a candelabrum!!!!

---

Realize that that isn't really a candelabrum, enter the library.

Wait a minute, you think, that's just a depiction of a candelabrum. Not an actual candelabrum. There's absolutely no reason to be scared of it.
"What's the matter Princess?" Rubi asks. "Not afraid of candelabra are you? Because that would be a really stupid thing to be afraid of."
"Wouldn't it just?" you say, suddenly remembering that Rubi has not seen you interact with candelabra and realising that if she found out that you were petrified of them she would probably carry one around and taunt you with it. You open the door and walk into the library.



Suddenly you remember why you store the books you might actually want to read in the War Room; because the library is a sprawling labyrinth of misfiled books maintained by an inept librarian. You spot said librarian stood reading a book. Clone 404, or 404 for short, is one of the many clones that make up your great nation. A few years ago, during a particularly difficult national budget you decided that a nation of individuals with their own wants and needs is expensive. So you had 90% of them hunted down and replaced with inexpensive clones. 404 here has been working as a librarian for you ever since Clone 211 died in that freak bookvalanche, taking with him the knowledge of where things actually are. Finding anything in this library is going to be tricky.

---

Ask 404 to find a file.

"Hello 404." You say wearily.
"Greetings Your Highness." He says. "Can I help you at all?"
"I would be incredibly surprised if you could." You say. "But I guess I'll ask anyway, do you know where a book called the Mortumbris Abyssex is?"
"Yes!" 404 grins triumphantly. "I know exactly where the Mortumbris Abyssex is. It's in the Reading Room."
"What?" you say confusedly. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Most definitely..." 404 starts.
"That's amazing.” you say. “All these years I've been coming in here asking for a book and every day you give me some kind of bizarre description of a shelf where if I am very lucky it might be somewhere near. And now today, when I absolutely definitely need it as soon as possible, you know precisely where it is. That's fantastic. Maybe you weren't brain damaged during the cloning process after all... hang on, there's a but here isn't there? You know where the book is but all the pages have been torn out?"
"No, but yes there is a but." 404 says.
"What is it?" you ask wearily.



"I have no idea where the Reading Room is." 404 says. "You see it was..."
"You have no idea where the Reading Room is?" you ask incredulously. "This is a whole new level of incompetence 404."
"It's not my fault." 404 says. "Gather ye around while I tell you the..."





"It begins a long long time ago, back when this library was ruled over by the original Librarian. He was a black hearted man with nothing but contempt for those who touched his precious books. They say that his cold hearted sneer never left his lips for as long as he walked the halls of this library."



"The legends have it that he had a secret Reading Room built into the castle, a place only known of by him. In his sanctuary from the world he kept his most precious books, those that were irreplaceably valuable or those that were so thickly engorged with black magic that they had taken on a twisted life of their own."



"One day he mysteriously vanished, never to be seen again. On that day he took the location of the Lost Reading Room with him. Not a soul has seen it since." 404 concluded.



"..."



"I think I hate you 404." you say.
"But don't despair!" exclaimed 404 suddenly. "I was tidying the stacks the other week and I found an old diary. It belonged to the Librarian. I think he must have been getting on a bit by the end, forgetting things and such. He made a note in the diary, something that would help him remember where the entrance to the Lost Reading Room is. It was complicated. I can't remember what it was now."
"So where was this diary?" you ask impatiently.
"If you just get a map..." 404 says. You take one of the maps from the map holder to the left of the doorway and open it out.



"This library is even more labyrinthine and needlessly complicated than I remembered." you observe. "So this diary is where?"
"I think it was around here somewhere." 404 marks a cross onto the map.



You sigh deeply. "You think?" you say. "Okay, so let's disregard that, and you tell me what you can remember about where you found the diary."
"Hmmm." 404 says. "Let me think... Okay, it was in a red stack, on the same aisle as a triangle stack. If you see a blue stack in between them then that's the wrong one. Oh and it's definitely wrong if it's on the same set of shelfing as a purple stack.”

>Ask Rubi if he has some sort of demon sense that makes him more in tune with the book you're looking for.

"Hey Rubi you don't think you could do me a favour and use magic demon powers to locate this book for me could you?" You ask thin air. Rubi has apparently flown away during your super exciting conversation with 404. She's probably gone looking for your demon clone, the original reason you came in here. You could probably catch up with her or try and find this diary.

---

>Red Crescent Shelf

You find the bookcase that 404 was talking about after only a few minutes of wandering around like an idiot. You decide not to waste any more time and open up that diary and search through it.

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SpoilerDear Diary
It has been another bad day for me, and for literature in general. Today a squid wanted to read one of my precious books. A SQUID! I ask you! Jormungandr is clearly insane. I am adding her to my list of people unworthy to touch my precious books. I must retire to my Private Reading Room now. It is only there that I can read the dark tomes that will soon allow me to have my revenge on the rest of this mindless castle.
NOTE: How to get to the Reading Room:
SydemSLjwmCzn
(in case I get lost. Again)

It soon becomes apparent that the Librarian was as creepy as 404 said and more so. You eventually find what 404 was talking about. It is exceedingly vague.

---

You search through the rest of the diary in case there are any more clues as to where the Lost Reading Room is. None of it seems very helpful just more moaning about people disrespecting his books and the inevitable retribution he will have.

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Spoilerand then as if that wasn't bad enough in of itself she had the nerve to ask me if we had any of the Twilight 'books' in stock. I know! I swear that once I am fully augmented, once I have become the Bringer of Pain she will be the first one whose miserable little life I will end.
NOTE TO SELF:
Record Dancing With The Stars.

You check out the last entry he made before he mysteriously vanished. It doesn't really help.

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SpoilerNOTE TO SELF:
Don't bother going through there. Their selection of books is very poor.

ALSO:
When this diary runs out, check whether your new one is a linking book before you start writing in it.

On a whim you decide to check the back of the book and discover it's a linking book. The place it links to looks interesting but unhelpful. You decide not to go there.

---

Seek assistance

"Hey you!" You accost 404 angrily. "You said this book would help me find the Lost Reading Room."
"And isn't it?" 404 asks.
"No." You snap. "There's simply not enough information to go off."
"Hmm..." 404 says thoughtfully. "The way he's always leaving notes throughout implies that he's very forgetful."
"Well yeah." you say.
"Well don't you think he'd leave himself all the information he needs then?" 404 asks. "Maybe you just need to try processing it in a different way?"
"You are no help!" you exclaim and stomp off back into the stacks.

---

Punch 404 for being better at this weird puzzle shit than we are.

"Damn you 404!" You run up to him and punch him in the face. "If you're so good at weird puzzle shit then why don't you solve it!"


You look at 404 for a minute as he unsuccessfully attempts to find some words before turning and walking away.
"Wait." He says. "I might be able to help you, if you are willing to not hit me again." You pause.
"I can't promise anything but I can assure you there will be more hitting if you don't help me out." You say.


"There." 404 marks the map again. "This is where I found the diary."
"Where you found it?" You ask. "Didn't you find it on 'a stack that is red and on the same aisle as a stack which is a triangle but which is not intersected by a stack which has a picture of a piano sellotaped to it or whatever'?"
"No. I found it there." 404 gestures to his point on the map. "I rarely put things back in the same place as I find them."
"And there we have the crux of why this library isn't very effective." You say. "You sure this is where you found the book?"
"Yes. Absolutely 100% certain." 404 says.
"What really?" You say. "Like for reals?" He nods. "Maybe I should punch you more often. It seems to make you a better librarian."