Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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You are Princess Adelle Midgardsormr. You wake up and rub your head. What a weird dream. Hopefully you'll think twice about getting out your midnight cheeseboard in the future. Anyway never mind that, today's a very important day. Today's the day that you... erm... fuck! You've forgot! What is it you're supposed to be doing today?

---

Sell your soul to a demon in exchange for remembering what you were supposed to be doing today.

You don't see any demons around here, also you refuse to believe anyone could be so stupid as to sell their soul for something so trivial.

Making an android that is identical to yourself in every way.

You already have an android that is identical to yourself in every way.



...



You hate that android.

You're filling your room full of candelabra. You have been known to “fucking love candelabra”

You already did that yesterday... You figure you probably don't need that to go to that side of the room anyway.

Weren't you going to visit your brother Hades?

You suddenly remember your dear brother Hades and feel sad. You remember the good times you used to have with him before that tragic accident with that exploding harmonica took him away from you. Oh how you miss him.



Suddenly you have an excellent idea. You will visit Hades! Never mind that he's dead, you'll visit him in the very depths of Hell if you have to.

Dig a hole

Oh yeah that's right you were supposed to be digging a hole today in celebration of National Hole Digging Day. Nevermind that. You've got more important things to be doing now. You have to find some way to get to Hell.

Retrieve vibrators from drawers.

You suddenly realise you've been awake for about five minutes and you haven't orgasmed yet. You rush to your bedside drawers.



Nothing in here but this M134 General Electric Minigun. Oh and some severed arms. They're pretty gross. You decide to leave them in the drawers.

---

>Haul the minigun into the library and scream at the librarian "TELL ME HOW TO GET TO HELL OR I'M SENDING YOU THERE!"

You briefly consider hauling the M134 General Electric Minigun around with you but decide instead of carrying it around in an unwieldy manner, to simply store it in your inventory. You know, like normal people do.



Anyway you decide to go and shout at the librarian under the assumption that he knows a way into Hell. This is the best idea ever. There's no possible way it could fail.



...

---

>Oh, hey, look. It's that demon who keeps trying to buy your soul. Punch him in the stomach and shove him out of the way. You've got librarians to terrorize.

"Hey Mid." says the demon. "What's up?"
"Back foul demon!" You cry and make the sign of the cross at it. "You shall not feast upon my succulent soul!"
"Pardon?" the demon asks raising an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Oh it's just you, Ames." you say, "I got you confused with this other demon that's been trying to get me to sell my soul to it." You pause for a second to wonder why you didn't recognise your bestest friend in the whole world before deciding that that kind of detail is completely irrelevant.
"For the last time my name is Amy." the demon says wearily, as if going through the motions of a conversation that has been particuarly well trod. "Not Ames, or 'Amish or Amington or any other silly variation on my name."
"Amy is an awful name for a demon." you sneer.
"Amy is a fine demonic name." Amy retorts. “I was named after Amy who was a president of Hell. He ruled over thirty six demonic legions and it was said that having taken the shape of a man 'he maketh one marvelous in astrologie, and in all the liberall sciences'." Amy pauses awkwardly. "Okay I don't know what that bit means either but the point is clear."
"It is?" you ask.
"Yes." Amy insists. "It is that Amy is a great name for a demon and that you really shouldn't be making fun of people's names."
"Yeah?" you say. "Well, your head looks silly." Amy glares at you for a minute and then sighs.

>Ask him if he can give you a hand. Chortle rudely.

"We could stand here and dispense incredibly childish insults at one another all day or we could go outside and dig some holes." Amy suggests.
"Nah." you say. "I'm not doing that. I was just on my way to shout at the librarian who happens to also be the kingdom's best demon summoner and quite possibly the most steampunk sorcerer of all time."
"What for?" asks Amy. "Has he filled your drawers with weapons and severed limbs again?"
"Yes." you say. "But I was actually going to interrogate him as to how to get to Hell."
"What?" Amy asks stunned. "Why do you want to go to that hellhole?"
"I just feel like visiting my brother." you pause thoughtfully. "I don't suppose you could lend a hand could you?" You chortle rudely.
Amy looks at you in a perplexed manner.
"Because your silly head looks like a hand." you explain.
"Oh gosh." says Amy playfully. "I've never been so insulted in all my life." He pauses. "Okay fine I'll help you."



Amy conjures up an ominous looking portal.
"Awesome!" you say. "Thanks Ames! You're the best!"

High-five him. You've left him hanging long enough.

high five his head!

You high five Amy's head. It was awesome, though poorly drawn.
"I've always wanted to do that." you grin. Amy glares at you clearly unimpressed.
"I'm never helping you out ever again." He moans.

>Sloppy makeouts with Captain Hammer poster.

You doubt Uncle Hammer would approve of such incestuous antics.

>Midgardsormr: Go find Powergrando I, the kingdom's best demon summoner and quite possibly the most steampunk sorcerer of all time. Ask him about getting to Hell.

Hmmm. You still kind of want to do this but it seems a bit unnecessary now that Amy's opened a portal for you...

---

Go do it anyway, ask him to escort you to Hell. They have some pretty awesome libraries down there, you know.

Then, sloppy makeouts.

>Midgardsormr: Yeah totes visit him. What's the use of going to hell without steampunk armor? It's just a style thing.

You walk further down the hall and go to open the door.



Powergrando stands resolutely in the doorway. "Yes?" says Powergrando I. "How can I help you?"
"Why are you blocking the door?" You ask.
"The library is dangerous!" Powergrando I explains.
"Dangerous?" You ask dubiously.
"Yes." he replies curtly.
"Dangerous like how?" You enquire further.
"It's National Hole Digging Day and naturally I have been digging holes. As a result the library has become unstable."
"You know what, if I saw that kind of excuse on some kind of online comic or something I'd just know it was the author trying to cover up the fact that he hasn't bothered drawing the library despite having had months and months in which to perform such a simple task." You say. "But since this is real life I believe you unquestioningly."
"Good." says Powergrando I visibly relieved. "Anyway with that lampshade hung... I mean crisis averted what can I do for you?"



"Me and Amy were thinking about having a trip out to Hell and we wondered whether you'd like to come?" You ask. "I hear there's lots of libraries in Hell..."
"I hear there's lots of sloppy makeouts." Amy interrupts. You kick him in the leg.
"Shut up!" you hiss.
"Sure." Powergrando I shrugs. "I've obviously got nothing better to be doing." And so you and Amy and Powergrando I make your way to the Portal to Hell and jump in. It's honestly a lot less interesting than it sounds. You're not missing out on anything.



"Wow. We're in actually in Hell." you say. "I thought it would be trickier than that."
"This is where the hard part starts." Amy says. "Sure this is Hell but this is only the top layer of Hell. The icing on the cake of Hell if you will."
"That's the worst metaphor ever." Powergrando I interrupts.
"Regardless this is only the first of nine levels of Hell." Amy continues. "Locating a single person in the unfathomable depths of the abyss is a long and arduous task." Amy pauses. "So, you two have fun. I think I might stay here and read a book or something."

---

What? Just... Have her have solved problems? No that is incredibly lazy storytelling don't do that.

"I hate Hell!" you moan. "It's massive and depressing and surprisingly empty!" You pause. "Okay I've had enough now. We're never going to find Hades. It's pointless continuing with this clearly doomed expedition into the depths of the abyss. I'm ready to go back to the surface and dig holes like a good girl now!"
"It's okay." says Amy. "We'll find him eventually..." Amy pauses. "Well, I mean I'll find him eventually. You may already have died and rotted away by then but I have a much longer lifespan than you do so I'm almost certain that I might find him within my lifetime." Another pause. "You just have to give it time."
"But we've been walking through this empty wasteland for days." You moan. "And we're still no closer to finding him."
"Actually it's only been five minutes." Amy says. "Not even that really." He pauses. "Look, you can still see Powergrando I over there."





"Oh yeah." You say. "Well I've still had enough. Let's go home Amy."
"Actually I can't just open a portal to the surface." Amy says. "If we could do that then there wouldn't be any demons down here."
"There aren't any demons down here." You say.
"This is the Wilderness." Amy shrugs. "I suppose the countryside on the surface is just full of people?"
"Fine." you say glumly. "So if you can't make a portal to the surface how did you get out in the first place?"
"I was summoned in an ancient ritual performed by the last surviving member of an insane cult that worshipped my namesake." said Amy. "I was then deemed harmless and he released me from the pentagram."
"Do you think he might summon you again?" you ask tentatively.
"Nope." says Amy. "As I said it was an accident, he wanted the other Amy. Plus after he called me harmless and let me free I chopped his head off to teach him a little lesson about calling demons harmless." There is a long pause.
"Do you think somebody might accidentally stumble across the cult's rituals and try them?" you ask. "You know, like in films."
"Nope." says Amy. "After the whole being called harmless and then getting blood on my suit I was a bit annoyed. So I decided to burn the place down. Unfortunately The Dark Chapel contained the only known copies of the cult's ceremonies."
"Fuck." you say.



"On an unrelated note, what do you think that thing is?" asks Amy.
"What?" you ask, looking around.



"That." Amy points.



"Oh I hadn't noticed that." you say. "Now you mention it that looks exactly like the house Hades used to have while he was still alive."
"We should check it out." Amy suggests.
"You think?" you say sarcastically.
"Yeah." Amy says. "Think about it. Your brother Hades could be living there." There is a pause.
"Don't take this the wrong way Ames but you are a total idiot and I hate you." you say.

---

>Amy: Take it the wrong way

>Midgardsormr: Get Powergrando to leave his inexplicable steampunk bench and come with you. Check out the house

> Walk there. Just walk.

And then they walked to the house.

> Ask Amy if she can perform some sort of shielding spell or something just in case. Then enter.

"I don't suppose you could make me a magical shield?" You ask Amy. "Only me and brother have some unresolved issues."
"You don't suppose right." Amy says. There is a long pause.
"Wait, do you mean that my supposition that you can't make a magical shield was correct or that my not supposition that you can make a magical shield was correct?" You ask. "I'm confused. Can you make a magical shield or not?"
"What do you think?" Amy asks sarcastically.
"I think you probably could. You opened a magical portal to Hell after all." You respond.
"I don't think he could." Powergrando I interjects. "He's a demon, not a magical fairy."
"Magical fairies aren't real." You say.
"I know, but that wasn't the point. I was pointing out the disparity in Amy's known powers and what you asked him to do." Powergrando I replied.
"It could be a demonic shield." You say thoughtfully. "It doesn't have to be all blue and shiny. It could be all black and red and cloudy and awesome." There is a thoughtful pause.
"Yeah. I can see that." Powergrando I agrees. Amy sighs.
"I can't make a magical shield." He says. "I'm a demon we more specialise in tearing people limb from limb." He pauses and glances at Powergrando I. "I'm totally reformed though now. Honest."
"Anyway..." You say.



You knock on the door. After a moment the door is flung open by Prince Hades.
"Welcome to my Crystal Home!" he announces as he opens the door. "Oh hey Midgardsormr. What's up?"
"You don't sound all that surprised to see me." you say. "I'm in Hell. Surely this is a surprising occurrence?"
"Not really." Hades says. "You did coat my harmonica in nitro-glycerine after all."
"Oh yeah..." you say after a long pause. "You still remember that?"
"Yeah. You do tend to remember being killed by your own sister." Hades says crossly.
"Nevermind?" you say hopefully. "All in the past now eh?"
"I suppose." says Hades after a long pause. "Want to come in?"
"Yea-"



"Well I am afraid you can't at the moment." You sigh as it all comes rushing back to you. "You cannot enter my Crystal Home until you've won some crystals." says Hades. "There's four types of games: Physical, Mental, Skill or Mystery. Win a game and you get a crystal. Each crystal you get is worth five minutes in my Crystal Home, but be careful not to still be playing the game when the time runs out or you'll get locked in." Hades pauses. "Okay so at the moment I've only got one zone, Hell Zone, but we can go around it four times so you have plenty of games to try and win crystals in."
"Mid..." Amy whispers. "I think the dark horrors of the abyss have driven your brother insane."
"No." you whisper back. "He's always been like this. It's one of the reasons I blew him up."
"So which one of you is the team captain?" Hades asked. "I'm assuming it's you Mid?"
"Yeah sure." you say.
"Then let's make our way to Hell Zone and play some games." Hades enthuses





"Why are we going along with this?" Powergrando I whispers to you.
"It's easier than trying to convince him that this process is a silly way of deciding how long people get to visit you for." you whisper back. "Trust me. I've tried."
"So here we are in the ever delightful Hell Zone." Hades says. "If we all just stay quiet and listen hard enough we might just be able to hear the agonised screams of the Zone's previous inhabitants... But don't let that put you off." He pauses. "Okay Team Captain Midgardsormr... Time to pick a game and who to play it. What's it going to be? Physical, Mental, Skill or Mystery?

---

"I guess we'll have a mystery game I suppose." You say.
"Okay and who to play this mystery game?" Hades enquires.

---

"I guess you can do it PG." You say unenthusiastically
"Excellent." Hades enthuses. "A mystery game for the fellow with the crazy spectacles." He pauses. "I have just the game for you. It's a little two minute game and you're going to need these." He pulls out three silver coins from his jacket pockets and hands them to Powergrando I. "When you get inside you will need to cross Sis's palm with silver. She'll then ask you one little riddle. Get it right and win a crystal and five minutes in my Crystal Home. Get it wrong and it's an automatic lock-in I'm afraid." He shrugs melodramatically and throws the door open. "Your time starts now."



You are now this guy. You are Powergrando I, master demon summoner and the most steampunk sorcerer the world has ever seen. You have the power to summon forth great legions of demons at the snap of a finger, the means to construct elaborate steampunk machinations capable of taking down even the hardiest of foes in mere seconds, and a pretty cool pair of glasses. However none of these are going to do you any good in here where it's just down to your wits and whether you can solve the fortune teller's riddle.

---

> Check out that magazine cover.

It's a thing about some guy who did something or other and saved the whole of the afterlife or something. You figure it's kind of not important at the moment.
"Hello?" Sis says impatiently. "I believe you're here for a riddle...?"
"Yep." you say. "Hit me. I can answer any riddle you care to set." Sis sighs.
"You need to cross my palm with silver." she says. You raise an eyebrow. "Give me the coins." she explains.
"Oh yeah." You say, and coolly flip a silver coin her way. Sis sighs again.
"Okay hotshot." she says with a grin. "Here is your riddle:"



"Clive is nine years older than his brother Alex. Clive married Olive when his brother was two thirds of his age. Clive and Olive's combined age was fifty nine. It is now one hundred and twenty three. They have three children; Dave, Angela and Estelle. Dave is the youngest by five years. Angela and Estelle are twins. The three siblings combined age matches that of their mother Olive...
"Peter and Vanessa married when their collective age was fifty six and their ages were both prime numbers. That year they had a child called Lucy and now their ages are both prime numbers again...
"Lucy and Dave are to be married. What is their collective age?"

> Midgardsormr: Visit with Hades while Powergrando is riddling it up or whatever.

You are not currently Midgardsormr and even if you were in order to visit your brother you need to gather crystals to gain time in his Crystal Home. It's just one of his many annoying quirks. You should probably try and answer this riddle.

---

"Okay well the first half is easy. Alex is obviously 18 so that Clive is 27, which means Olive is 32, which makes her 64 now." you say. "If Dave is five years younger than his sisters they must be 23 each and he must be 18. Easy." You pause looking slightly smug. "But your second half is totally unsolvable. The only pairs of prime numbers whose sums are 56 are 53+3, 43+13, and 37+19. I'm supposed to find the ones that you can add a number to and both ages remain prime, and the number that was added is Lucy's age. However, all three pairs have that property. You can add 8 to 53 and 3, making 61 and 11. You can add both 4 and 10 to the other two pairs as well, yielding (47, 17), (53, 23), (41, 23), and (47, 29). Without further information about Lucy's age this is unsolvable." Sis looks at you and frowns. "Can I assume you have to be over 18 to get married and have children?"
"Just because we're in Hell doesn't mean we're monsters." Sis says defensively. "Yes of course you have to be over 18 to get married and have children."



"Okay so that means that the only prime pair that works is 37+19." You say. "And the smallest number over 18 which you can add to both of those and it will still be prime is 22, which makes them 41 and 59. That would mean that the answer was 40."
"That's right-" Sis says, surprise evident in her voice.
"But it doesn't necessarily have to be the smallest number over 18." You go on to say. "24 also works, making the answer 42 and the parents 61 and 43."
"You've won." Sis says bluntly. "You can stop figuring out the answer now."
"What you should do is say that you must assume someone is at least 18 to be married and have children, and the difference between Dave and Lucy's age cannot be greater or lesser than 1/3rd of Dave's." You say. "That would sort that riddle right out."



"Shut up!" Sis says. "You've won. Now take your crystal and get the hell out of my chamber."
"Thank you very much." you say and make your way back outside.



"Guys I won." Powergrando I says walking back out through the chamber door.
"Pardon?" Hades asked. "You answered the riddle correctly?"
"Yeah." says Powergrando I. "The riddle was a little flawed. I think umm... Sis was it?... will probably tell you how it can be easily fixed later."
"Huh." Hades says surprised. "I... erm... guess... we'll play another game then."



Suddenly a voice rings out over Hell Zone.
"Hades! We've got a score to settle!" the voice booms out.
"Oh no." says Hades. "That's not good."
"What is it?" you say.
"It's this demon." Hades says. "It's name's Jaid. It's been terrorizing me. Threatening to destroy my Crystal Home. Last week I managed to scare it off with a really tough riddle but I think it's come back to finish the job."
"Jaid..." you say. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"



"Oh not Jaid." Amy says. "Of all the demons in all of the abyss..."
"You know him?" Hades asks.
"Unfortunately yeah." Amy says. "He always used to pick on me when we were kids..." He was always stealing my lunch money. And by lunch money I mean the tormented souls of those I had crushed under my heel. I hate him."
"This Jaid..." Powergrando I chirps up. "Is he like a big black demon with a beefy arm?"
"Yeah that's right." Hades says surprisedly. "You know him?"
"Worst demon I ever summoned." Powergrando I says. "Broke free of his bindings and robbed my chambers while I was out. Must have got away with a good couple of hundred forks..."



"How about you?" Hades suggests. "Let's go for broke and assume that all four of us have been wronged by the very same demon."
"I don't know..." You say. "The name sounds really familiar..." You pause. "That's it! Now I know where I've heard that name before. It's the demon that had been trying to get me to sell my soul to him all week."
"Pardon?" asked Powergrando I.
"No really." you say. "Amy, remember at first when I saw you this morning I confused you for that demon that had been trying to steal my soul. That's who I thought you were."
"Oh." Amy says sarcastically. "Well I guess that makes sense because we look nothing like one another."
"Well you are both black." You say. "Sometimes it's hard to tell you demons apart."
"Racist!" Amy snaps.
"Nevermind that." Hades says. "There's a powerful demon out there, who by some bewilderingly long odds we all have a grudge against. He's about to attack us and destroy my precious Crystal Home. This calls for an epic showdown!"



"Nope." You say. "This whole silly thing has reminded me why I killed you in the first place and I've decided as much a grudge as I might have with Jaid, which to be honest isn't very much, I'm perfectly happy to let him smash your stupid Crystal Home to tiny pieces and rip your body limb from limb. At least your blood won't be on my hands this time."
"But Mid..." Hades says. "You have to help me. You're my sister..."
"Actually you were adopted." You say. "Sorry you had to find out this way."
"Mid. I'll do anything." Hades says. "You'll never have to play through my games again. You can visit my Crystal Home whenever you like and not have to worry about earning enough crystals or anything."
"... Okay." You say. "I suppose." Hades grins. "Prepare yourself guys." You say. "Shit just got real!"

---

Pose as a team because shit got real.

---

Mid: LVL 7 MINIGUN BARRAGE: REALLY AWESOME MINIGUN BARRAGE

"Huh." You say. "That was surprisingly easy. In fact everything I've done today has been surprisingly easy. Getting to Hell. Finding Hades. Now this..." You pause.
"It's probably nothing." Amy says.
"You're probably right." You say.



"How awesome was I with that awesome minigun barrage?" You ask, as you make your way back to Hade's Crystal Home.
"It was pretty good." Powergrando I says hesitantly. "But I never got a chance to use this awesome steampunk laser arm I made."
"We just killed a horrible evil monster, no offence Amy, and you're moaning about that?" You ask.
"Yes!" Powergrando I says. "I worked really hard on this awesome steampunk laser arm I'll have you know. I cleverly used the crystal I won to focus the laser, and there's a valve on there that you turn to make it even more deadly. It would have been so awesome."
"You should have let me have a go Mid." Hades chirps up. "I was going to do this sweet harmonica solo. It would have been awesome."
"And I was going to headbutt him." Amy says. "I mean I know I have awesome and incredibly vaguely defined demonic powers to rip the flesh off of people and stuff but for some reason I could only think of things to do with my head."
"Well that's senility for you." You sigh. "Look guys. Next time we fight a horrible demonic terror from beyond the darkest realms of your imagination I'll let you lot do the hard work..."
And they lived bickeringly ever after.

The End

