Re: The $300,000 Fight-A-Thon! [Round One: Storage Park!]
08-31-2012, 03:08 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Pharmacy.
Felus was surprised.
For starters, there was a gaping hole in the wall – courtesy of the now shattered machine. Although to be honest, it was more a gaping chasm than a neat little breach. It was like if the wall was torn off by a great force – which was not surprising considering the conclusion to Guillemet’s stupid little experiment was quite explosive. The hole led yet another room full of shelves and knick-knacks.
Of course, it was not the only hole. From a cursory glance, there were a few more in the distance - and a few more forming. In fact, the former Cat-God (God-Cat) had no doubt the general integrity of the Coach’s warehouse has been significantly weakened. Felus honestly did not mind, he could use more breathing place – even if it means trudging through yet another omnipotent entity’s property.
Also, there were cats. Thousands of them.
Felus was surprised in the blinking and slack-jawed sort of way, which is saying a lot considering he was a former god and presumably saw the things in the world that he was meant to see. Apparently, the destruction of the machine had liberated cats. Yes, thousands of them in all sizes and shapes. There were small ones, large ones, not-so-large ones. Some were furry. Some were not. Some shedded places. Some did not. Some had odd-eyes, crossed-eyes, some eyes, no eyes. Some were tuxedos. Some wore tuxedos. There were stripes, polka-dots, plaid, and the occasional neon-green. Siameses, Persians, Maine Coons, American Shorthairs, American Longhairs, lions and tigers and Bengals, oh my. Shit son, there be a lot of cats.
And there were.
A tiny little kitten of indeterminate breed crawls forth. He was stripey and fuzzy and adorable but his hair was matted the point of dreadlocking and there were bald spots in places. His moony eyes darted back and forth as though he was suspicious of something following close to him. He trembled to the point that he was ready to wet the floor at any moment. He looks like if he was in a desperate need of a BLT, perhaps a bit of a TLC. In short, his appearance was more suited to being in an ASPCA commercial than in a storage park
“W-we have been liberated.” He managed to squeak out. His tone was fearful but grateful. “By you.”
“What?” Felus looked in horror at the mangy masses. What kind of malicious entity managed to do this atrocious tragedy on such a number of felines? Felus found indignant fury welling up in his former-omnipotent heart. This was not fair, not fair at all. “Who is the culprit of this? Who is behind this deed?”
“The Cultivator did this to us,” an elderly voice quavered from a particularly dirty cat. He was skinny and covered in a substance that Felus found repulsive to identify. Whatever it was, it was not sanitary at all. Ew. “A mercurial she-beast with a predilection for placing things into places that aren’t appropriate and therapy.”
“WHAT?” The former Cat-God (God-Cat) bristled at that name. That name sounded of nonredeemable evil. “How could she do this to you?
“She has a way,” the cat was started to get a little too into his explanation. “That long-haired demoness has a way. She plucks innocents out and places them into things. Although for cats, she likes to place them into military-grade weaponry. God knows why.”
“That’s horrible!” Felus exclaimed. This Cultivator made the Coach sound like small potatoes. How could existence let her be?
“Also,” the elderly cat interjected. “She talks like this~”
Felus frowned. “That’s just disgusting.”
“I know,” the elderly cat brought down his head. “Now, we must thank you.”
And so all the cats, big and small, thanked Felus. Each meow, a gratitude. Each purr, an acknowledgement. The scene was heartwarming enough to melt a feline-aficionado’s heart and make an internet meme site collapse under the pressure of sudden traffic, but Felus felt something more. He felt it flowing warm into mind. He felt it welling deep into his divine heart. He felt it filling up every artery, vein, and capillary in his corporeal body. So concrete, so real. This was the one feeling he missed from his halcyon days.
It was the power of belief.
“Hear me, hear me,” Felus felt it appropriately cinematic to climb up a pile of junk, attracting the thankful audience below. “Hear me, He Who Is Better Than You. I am the Slayer of Vermin, Wounder of Idiots And People Who Are Too Touchy. I am the Liberator of Cats” the flock below cheered at such an appropriate moniker “the Piercer of Prey, the Slicer of Humans.” His speech became more voluminous and rich – it was almost divine. Meanwhile, a nearby female cat spontaneously went into heat at the mere sound of his voice.
“I had left my power. Now I had return,” Felus suddenly floated a couple of inches above his perch. His eyes and the back of his throat shined in increasing intensity. If a keen-eyed man were to look closer, they could just see a faint halo swirling around his head. “I AM ALPHA. I AM OMEGA. I AM FELUS THE GOD OF –”
“What?” A fairly large tomcat yelled from the crowd.
Whenever it was from the strain of his own power or the sudden interjection, Felus felt face flat onto a charred book. So close, yet so far! He felt a bit of divine power flowing back into his body, but it was not the glory of his former days. The return was minute…minuscule! He could do everything, everything short of a divine act. What the hell had happened?
“WHAT, DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GODS?” It was fairly obvious that Felus was still in god-mode - mentally of course.
“Well, you want to pretend to be one, sure,” the tomcat shrugged. “But being trapped in a physics-violating chassis by a deity-level being kind of makes you lose faith in omnipotent entities. Of course, we still would follow you in any way. We think you are cool. Well, at least I think you are cool.”
“Oh.” Felus groaned and rubbed his paws on his temples. Not only they were useless, they were also agnostic atheists. This was the worst possible scenario to be in. On the other hand, they still believed in him – not as a god, but as a leader, a paragon – a hero. But a hero ain’t exactly a god.
This was the worst best situation he had gotten himself into. Or was it the best worst situation. He could not tell.
“So what should we do?” An errant cat asked.
“Oh uh. Hold on, I need to get my mighty steed!” Felus declared. What are heroes supposed to do? From what he remembered (as if he cared), heroes tend to companions in which they rode on. Well, at least that was what those under the jurisdiction of Homnius tend to have. He loathed to go down the path of his enemy, but that was all he could think of now.
“You have a horse?” The assembly gasped and murmured amongst themselves, giving Felus a teeny-weeny halo of glow – just barely.
“Y-yes, in fact,” Felus nearly skipped over his words and landed into un-heroic stammer. “In fact…I have her right here!”
---
“WAIT W-WHAT.” On the other hand, Guillemet landed face flat into stutter territory. “WHAT IS GOING ON.”
Guillemet should be technically angry at herself for how easily duped she was. First, she was tricked by a LITTLE GIRL. That was what had gotten her into the mess. She was presently tricked by a cat. A goddamn Felis catus. If she was any more unstable, she would have spontaneously exploded out of embarrassment. Or killed the noodlecat. Either would had improved her mood significantly.
“WHY AM I COVERED IN CATS.”
She was angry, but she was also surprised, hurt, and had a hankering for the theoretical taste of Coach’s face. She was also really confused. It was not every day you get assaulted by an army of felines. There were a lot. Clumps of mobile fur clinging onto every spine, shell, and scale. It did not really hurt, but it was rather annoying. And confusing. And everything else in her current mood list. Now, she was even more confused.
Emotions were complicated, like hormones.
“WHY AM I COVERED IN CATS.” Guillemet looked like if she was in a fur coat. Since dragons are not meant to wear human clothes (or equivalents of human clothes), she look practically ridiculous. Guillemet felt her face flush blue. She looked soooooooooooo stupid.
“Hi,” Felus floated into her view.
“WOAH,” Guillemet reared back in draconic surprise. “WHY ARE YOU GLOWING.”
“Well, I am a Hero of the People,” Felus shrugged. “Or Hero of the Felines, really.”
“WHY ARE YOU FLOATING,” the overgrown lizard shoved her uncomfortably human face into the former Cat-God (God-Cat)’s mug again, much to the chagrin of the latter. “CATS SHOULD NOT FLOAT AT ALL.”
“They believe heroes could fly,” the oddly-proportioned cat explained. And then, he brought his muzzle to Guillemet’s ear. “Their only source of entertainment during their imprisonment was ‘Superman: The Animated Series.’”
The dragon blinked her eyes in surprise. “WHY DO YOU MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER,” Guillemet growled. “ALSO WHY AM I COVERED IN GODDAMN CATS.”
“For now on in their eyes, you are my steed.” The cat raised a dramatic paw to the sputtering light on the roof. “As such, you must carry the burden of me and my followers.”
“WHAT,” Guillemet snarled, showing her many, many horrifying teeth. “I AM UNDER NO DOMAIN OF ANYONE. YOU HEAR ME.”
“The cats are under my command. Also with that amount of cats on you, you can’t fly. At all.”
“I AM GUILLEMET THE ELDER OF SAN FRANCIS. I LORD OVER THE POOR AND THE RICH. THE DISTRICTS AND SUB-SECTORS ARE MY HOME YOU HEAR ME. I KEEP WATCH OVER SKYSCRAPERS AND SHIT COOLER THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE IN YOUR STUPID FLOATY CAT BRAIN. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU JUST WATCH.”
Of course, there were a ridiculous amount of cats on her and while dragons were creatures of might and adversary, Guillemet was not exactly known for her constitution amongst her peers. She hissed and spat, made threats of grievous harm and injury. Unfortunately for her, Felus and his furry pals had the upper hand – for now. As for right now, she had to grumble and walk-hop to the hole leading to the next room, carrying in tow the Liberator of Cats and his Followers.
Felus was surprised.
For starters, there was a gaping hole in the wall – courtesy of the now shattered machine. Although to be honest, it was more a gaping chasm than a neat little breach. It was like if the wall was torn off by a great force – which was not surprising considering the conclusion to Guillemet’s stupid little experiment was quite explosive. The hole led yet another room full of shelves and knick-knacks.
Of course, it was not the only hole. From a cursory glance, there were a few more in the distance - and a few more forming. In fact, the former Cat-God (God-Cat) had no doubt the general integrity of the Coach’s warehouse has been significantly weakened. Felus honestly did not mind, he could use more breathing place – even if it means trudging through yet another omnipotent entity’s property.
Also, there were cats. Thousands of them.
Felus was surprised in the blinking and slack-jawed sort of way, which is saying a lot considering he was a former god and presumably saw the things in the world that he was meant to see. Apparently, the destruction of the machine had liberated cats. Yes, thousands of them in all sizes and shapes. There were small ones, large ones, not-so-large ones. Some were furry. Some were not. Some shedded places. Some did not. Some had odd-eyes, crossed-eyes, some eyes, no eyes. Some were tuxedos. Some wore tuxedos. There were stripes, polka-dots, plaid, and the occasional neon-green. Siameses, Persians, Maine Coons, American Shorthairs, American Longhairs, lions and tigers and Bengals, oh my. Shit son, there be a lot of cats.
And there were.
A tiny little kitten of indeterminate breed crawls forth. He was stripey and fuzzy and adorable but his hair was matted the point of dreadlocking and there were bald spots in places. His moony eyes darted back and forth as though he was suspicious of something following close to him. He trembled to the point that he was ready to wet the floor at any moment. He looks like if he was in a desperate need of a BLT, perhaps a bit of a TLC. In short, his appearance was more suited to being in an ASPCA commercial than in a storage park
“W-we have been liberated.” He managed to squeak out. His tone was fearful but grateful. “By you.”
“What?” Felus looked in horror at the mangy masses. What kind of malicious entity managed to do this atrocious tragedy on such a number of felines? Felus found indignant fury welling up in his former-omnipotent heart. This was not fair, not fair at all. “Who is the culprit of this? Who is behind this deed?”
“The Cultivator did this to us,” an elderly voice quavered from a particularly dirty cat. He was skinny and covered in a substance that Felus found repulsive to identify. Whatever it was, it was not sanitary at all. Ew. “A mercurial she-beast with a predilection for placing things into places that aren’t appropriate and therapy.”
“WHAT?” The former Cat-God (God-Cat) bristled at that name. That name sounded of nonredeemable evil. “How could she do this to you?
“She has a way,” the cat was started to get a little too into his explanation. “That long-haired demoness has a way. She plucks innocents out and places them into things. Although for cats, she likes to place them into military-grade weaponry. God knows why.”
“That’s horrible!” Felus exclaimed. This Cultivator made the Coach sound like small potatoes. How could existence let her be?
“Also,” the elderly cat interjected. “She talks like this~”
Felus frowned. “That’s just disgusting.”
“I know,” the elderly cat brought down his head. “Now, we must thank you.”
And so all the cats, big and small, thanked Felus. Each meow, a gratitude. Each purr, an acknowledgement. The scene was heartwarming enough to melt a feline-aficionado’s heart and make an internet meme site collapse under the pressure of sudden traffic, but Felus felt something more. He felt it flowing warm into mind. He felt it welling deep into his divine heart. He felt it filling up every artery, vein, and capillary in his corporeal body. So concrete, so real. This was the one feeling he missed from his halcyon days.
It was the power of belief.
“Hear me, hear me,” Felus felt it appropriately cinematic to climb up a pile of junk, attracting the thankful audience below. “Hear me, He Who Is Better Than You. I am the Slayer of Vermin, Wounder of Idiots And People Who Are Too Touchy. I am the Liberator of Cats” the flock below cheered at such an appropriate moniker “the Piercer of Prey, the Slicer of Humans.” His speech became more voluminous and rich – it was almost divine. Meanwhile, a nearby female cat spontaneously went into heat at the mere sound of his voice.
“I had left my power. Now I had return,” Felus suddenly floated a couple of inches above his perch. His eyes and the back of his throat shined in increasing intensity. If a keen-eyed man were to look closer, they could just see a faint halo swirling around his head. “I AM ALPHA. I AM OMEGA. I AM FELUS THE GOD OF –”
“What?” A fairly large tomcat yelled from the crowd.
Whenever it was from the strain of his own power or the sudden interjection, Felus felt face flat onto a charred book. So close, yet so far! He felt a bit of divine power flowing back into his body, but it was not the glory of his former days. The return was minute…minuscule! He could do everything, everything short of a divine act. What the hell had happened?
“WHAT, DO YOU NOT BELIEVE IN GODS?” It was fairly obvious that Felus was still in god-mode - mentally of course.
“Well, you want to pretend to be one, sure,” the tomcat shrugged. “But being trapped in a physics-violating chassis by a deity-level being kind of makes you lose faith in omnipotent entities. Of course, we still would follow you in any way. We think you are cool. Well, at least I think you are cool.”
“Oh.” Felus groaned and rubbed his paws on his temples. Not only they were useless, they were also agnostic atheists. This was the worst possible scenario to be in. On the other hand, they still believed in him – not as a god, but as a leader, a paragon – a hero. But a hero ain’t exactly a god.
This was the worst best situation he had gotten himself into. Or was it the best worst situation. He could not tell.
“So what should we do?” An errant cat asked.
“Oh uh. Hold on, I need to get my mighty steed!” Felus declared. What are heroes supposed to do? From what he remembered (as if he cared), heroes tend to companions in which they rode on. Well, at least that was what those under the jurisdiction of Homnius tend to have. He loathed to go down the path of his enemy, but that was all he could think of now.
“You have a horse?” The assembly gasped and murmured amongst themselves, giving Felus a teeny-weeny halo of glow – just barely.
“Y-yes, in fact,” Felus nearly skipped over his words and landed into un-heroic stammer. “In fact…I have her right here!”
---
“WAIT W-WHAT.” On the other hand, Guillemet landed face flat into stutter territory. “WHAT IS GOING ON.”
Guillemet should be technically angry at herself for how easily duped she was. First, she was tricked by a LITTLE GIRL. That was what had gotten her into the mess. She was presently tricked by a cat. A goddamn Felis catus. If she was any more unstable, she would have spontaneously exploded out of embarrassment. Or killed the noodlecat. Either would had improved her mood significantly.
“WHY AM I COVERED IN CATS.”
She was angry, but she was also surprised, hurt, and had a hankering for the theoretical taste of Coach’s face. She was also really confused. It was not every day you get assaulted by an army of felines. There were a lot. Clumps of mobile fur clinging onto every spine, shell, and scale. It did not really hurt, but it was rather annoying. And confusing. And everything else in her current mood list. Now, she was even more confused.
Emotions were complicated, like hormones.
“WHY AM I COVERED IN CATS.” Guillemet looked like if she was in a fur coat. Since dragons are not meant to wear human clothes (or equivalents of human clothes), she look practically ridiculous. Guillemet felt her face flush blue. She looked soooooooooooo stupid.
“Hi,” Felus floated into her view.
“WOAH,” Guillemet reared back in draconic surprise. “WHY ARE YOU GLOWING.”
“Well, I am a Hero of the People,” Felus shrugged. “Or Hero of the Felines, really.”
“WHY ARE YOU FLOATING,” the overgrown lizard shoved her uncomfortably human face into the former Cat-God (God-Cat)’s mug again, much to the chagrin of the latter. “CATS SHOULD NOT FLOAT AT ALL.”
“They believe heroes could fly,” the oddly-proportioned cat explained. And then, he brought his muzzle to Guillemet’s ear. “Their only source of entertainment during their imprisonment was ‘Superman: The Animated Series.’”
The dragon blinked her eyes in surprise. “WHY DO YOU MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER,” Guillemet growled. “ALSO WHY AM I COVERED IN GODDAMN CATS.”
“For now on in their eyes, you are my steed.” The cat raised a dramatic paw to the sputtering light on the roof. “As such, you must carry the burden of me and my followers.”
“WHAT,” Guillemet snarled, showing her many, many horrifying teeth. “I AM UNDER NO DOMAIN OF ANYONE. YOU HEAR ME.”
“The cats are under my command. Also with that amount of cats on you, you can’t fly. At all.”
“I AM GUILLEMET THE ELDER OF SAN FRANCIS. I LORD OVER THE POOR AND THE RICH. THE DISTRICTS AND SUB-SECTORS ARE MY HOME YOU HEAR ME. I KEEP WATCH OVER SKYSCRAPERS AND SHIT COOLER THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE IN YOUR STUPID FLOATY CAT BRAIN. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU JUST WATCH.”
Of course, there were a ridiculous amount of cats on her and while dragons were creatures of might and adversary, Guillemet was not exactly known for her constitution amongst her peers. She hissed and spat, made threats of grievous harm and injury. Unfortunately for her, Felus and his furry pals had the upper hand – for now. As for right now, she had to grumble and walk-hop to the hole leading to the next room, carrying in tow the Liberator of Cats and his Followers.