Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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I say we wait for our Demon Clone first, just to see if we can control it.

You make your way back to your bedroom to check up on the status of your half-demon clone. She's still something of a work in progress. You always find it somewhat disconcerting to see your face minus the skin, with all the bone and muscle and nerves and brain exposed... You distract yourself by musing that if your life were some kind of game then this would clearly be the kind of thing that would be story based. Like you have to achieve so much progress in the story before the clone would be complete. Huh, what an incredibly bizarre thing to spontaneously think about.

I think Rhiny should be our priority. > Go back to your room with a stack of books to stand on. Ask Fenrir to come with you and fend off the candelabra.

Rhiny! Of course! He's still in peril! You should rescue him from his precarious situation amongst the fiendish candelabra as soon as possible.



Although you had this rather awesome idea of getting books to stand on, which would simultaneously be long winded and not very sturdy, you decide instead to use the more obvious climbing apparatus, the stool from your dresser on the other side of the room. You don't know why you didn't think of that before. Anyway, you smack the diabolical candelabrum to the side thus clearing the path to retrieve Rhiny.



You hug Rhiny tightly. "Don't worry" you say. "I won't let any more nasty candelabra get to you." You suddenly feel very childish and are glad that there was nobody around to see that unnecessary display of affection.

> Abscond with the spoon on the table.

You head back to the War Room to grab that spoon you spotted earlier. Ding! There's another spoon for the intangible spoon cache. You briefly wonder whether it would have been simpler to just collect spoons until you had enough for that blackwood bark. You're fairly sure you had seen enough spoons by that point to purchase the bark without too much hassle.

> Read a Cloning Manual (the one for beginners, preferrably) on the way to the Guard's Quarters.

Having saved Rhiny from his fate you decide to reshuffle your priorities. It's obviously time to learn how to be a better Cloner. Or Clonist. You never did find out what the official terminology for someone who clones is. You walk to the bookshelf and select Cloning for Beginners.



Wait, this isn't Cloning for Beginners. This is Clowning for Beginners - The Extra Bleak Edition. While it might be useful if you ever have to learn how to properly throw a custard pie it isn't going to be much help with creating a perfect genetic duplicate of yourself.

---

Learn a clowntech.

You find that this dire tome full of grim lessons about the sombre fate of those who would aspire to be clowns is oddly inspirational and flick through it's pages hoping to learn some kind of skill which you would be able to put to good use at some point in your travels. Since you do not know the precise nature of the threats and challenges you will face on your journey the choice is difficult. You wonder what skill would suit you best: the ability to fit into a tiny car with eleven others, the ability to fall over a lot or the know-how of how to squirt a plastic flower into a man's face. In the end you decide to go with neither of these silly options and choose instead to learn how to accurately throw custard pies. You reason that at the very least this skill will probably translate to the throwing of other items.



In celebration, and because you never want to glance at this depressing book again, you throw the book into a rarely used corner of the room using your newly refined throwing techniques.

>Open a page in Twilight which happens to have the word "candelabrum" all over the page. Flip out and attempt to dispose of the book.

Oddly enough whenever you so much as glance at Twilight you seem to be getting these bizarre urges to destroy it in unlikely ways. You pick it up and resolve that if by sheer chance you open it up to a page which has nothing but the word candelabrum printed on it then you will destroy it and never think of it again.



Bizarrely enough you don't open it on a page containing nothing but the world candelabrum. You decide to throw it into the same dark corner as Clowning for Beginners in the hopes of sating those destructive urges you've been having

>Surely you're ready for Incredibly Advanced Cloning Techniques for Geniuses

Screw trying to read the Cloning Manuals in order! You come to the conclusion that they probably only print them in tiers of difficulty to squeeze as much money from you as possible. You reckon that anyone with a basic knowledge in how the cloning process works and sufficient determination will eventually be able to suss out the valuable secrets of Incredibly Advanced Cloning Techniques for Geniuses.



How wrong are you? You don't even understand the words in this book. It looks like it uses it's own specialised cloning language that only incredibly skilled clone... makers (you really should find out what people who make clones are called) can understand. Wait, what shenanigans is this? You had the book upside down. No wonder it seemed so complicated. Once you've turned it the right way up these incredibly advanced cloning techniques will no doubt become clear and you will be the best cloner (?) of all time.



Oh no. It's still too complicated for you to understand. As if it wasn't bad enough that that clowning book made you miserable now this one's making you feel like an idiot.

>Pick up Cloning for Ultra-Beginners.

Brush up on your cloning for ultra beginners.

You read the first couple of pages of Cloning for Ultra-Beginners before closing it in annoyance. These cloning manuals are beginning to try your patience.

---

> Skip to chapter on Combining DNA. If still unhelpful, proceed to guard room.

Although I find it hard to believe the Ultra-Beginner book is that large, yet has nothing on DNA combining.

This is a profoundly unhelpful book. You throw it into Rejection Corner. You briefly wonder why a book with so little information could be so thick and then you remember that a few years ago you passed a law indicating that the thickness of books should be dictated not by their contents but by how thick they have to be to comfortably fit the book's name on the spine. You also proclaimed that the names on the spines of books should read upwards instead of downwards which is common practice everywhere else in the world. You aren't sure why you did that. You suspect you may have been drunk.

> Peruse Cloning Strategems of Intermediate Difficulty. Make certain to read the chapter on combining DNA and how to do it properly.

You have a good feeling about Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty. You are certain that this is the book that will teach you not only how to be a great cloner, but what the correct word to describe people who clone things actually is. You reach for it.



Hang on, this isn't Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty. This isn't Cloning Stratagems of any difficulty. This is your well worn copy of... erm... in fact now you look more closely at it you're certain this is a book you've never seen before in your entire life. You recall how you switched the jackets... you mean you theorize how someone else probably switched the jackets so that it would allow them to look like they were reading up on cloning while they were doing something else altogether. You quickly throw this unfamiliar and alarmingly explicit book into your rejected bookery. You guess that since Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty will have the jacket of... that unfamiliar book... you'll probably find it amongst the possessions of one of your guardsquids.

> read HAM! book

Ham it up!

>Get your Ham down and jiggy with it. Ham it up like you've never Hammed before.

You recycle the thought bubble and posture from the last time you thought about reading that Ham book. This is so not an appropriate time for ham.

> Also, upgrade your mustache to something much more elaborate and regal.

You decide that this ridiculous moustache, insensitively drawn with the ink from one of your guardsquids who was loyal to his last choking gasp, just isn't cutting it any more. You try to upgrade it to a fancy moustache and beard combination but you just end up making a mess. Now you just look silly.

>To the Guard Quarters then. Take Rhiny with you.

You grab Rhiny and head across to the Guard's Quarters. The mumbling which piqued your interest so long ago has now passed replaced by the sound of someone offering up a tuneless rendition of Free Bird. You decide to head straight into the pool and find out what's going on in there.



The source of the mumbling/singing appears to be coming from a squid sporting a green headband and endeavouring to smoke some kind of roll-up underwater. You reckon this might be 'that hippy guard' that Slim mentioned a while ago. You have the impression that if you'd investigated this pool back when you were desperately searching for blackwood bark maybe this hippy guard might have given you the vaguest of inclinations in where to search for illegal items and thus the blackwood bark that you craved. You also wonder whose insane idea it was to place a candelabrum on top of a cupboard in a swimming pool. Oh and the water washed off your silly inky facemess.

---

Swim down and look in the cupboard underwater

>Look inside cupboard.

You swim cautiously over to the cupboard, keeping your eye on that candelabrum as you do so. You pull open the doors to reveal it is some kind of weapons cupboard empty but for a pistol with a single bullet. You decide to keep a hold of it in case you need to off yourself at some point. You really wish you had an inventory.

>Greet the hippie squid.

"Hey there." you say to the hippie squid. He jumps with surprise and looks in your direction.
"Don't sneak up on me!" he wails plaintively. "I could have been in combat ready mode. I'd have killed you before I even knew what was happening!" He adds uncertainly.
"I didn't sneak up on you." You protest. "I swam past you on my way to get this gun."
"Oh shit!" he says anxiously. "Oh shit you've got a gun!"
"Yeah?" you say.
"Dude!" he exclaims. "Dude! You've got a gun!"
"This has already been established." you say.
"Erm..." he paused. "Umm..." another pause. "Nevermind. Are we off to fuck shit up then?" You roll your eyes and come to the conclusion that this squid is seriously wasted. Extracting any kind of information from him is going to be tricky. You think you might very well give it a miss as you're not sure what information you'd want from him at the moment anyway. What are you doing in here for that matter? Maybe you should get back to summoning that better demon so you can get to Hell and get your soul back?

---

>Shoot the candelabrum

You consider using your single bullet to shoot a terrifying, but nonetheless inanimate object. You think for a moment and decide that you can't see any potential sequence of events which would lead to a situation where you seriously have to off yourself and so you take aim at the hideous candelabrum...



...and fire. The bullet richochets off the candelabrum and buries itself harmlessly in the wall. The candelabrum defies physics by being both heavy and metallic enough to survive a bullet with only a scratch and light and woodish enough to float around on the water.

...an extreme close up of it's anguished features.

Suddenly an alarmingly large closeup of the hippy guard's face shows that he hasn't even noticed your ineffectual gunplay.

>He probably has that one book that is actually yours, not the one that totally isn't at all.

"Have you ever looked at your tentacles? I mean, really looked at them?"

"Hey have you ever looked at your tentacles? I mean, really looked at them?" You ask.
"What?" the squid responds flexing his tentacles. "Whoa. What the hell are these things?" He stares blankly at them. While he's distracted examining his appendages you swim down and rifle through his stuff.



There's no sign of the cloning manual with the erroneous book jacket. And unless you're into photos of female squid with massive nidamental glands (which you are totally not thank you very much) then he has nothing useful in his immediate vicinity. Actually now that you think about it if he was in possession of your cloning manual with erroneous book cover it'd probably be in his locker because if it was down here it would be soaked through and ruined. Honestly you can't even begin to imagine what kind of crazy person would think to look for a book underwater.

>Research in the cloning manual what kind of demon can actually be used to open a portal to hell. The smallest in power that can do it.

You make your way back to the War Room and glance through the nearest cloning manual. After a few minutes you get annoyed. This cloning manual is useless. It doesn't even mention demons, nevermind what kind can open a portal to hell. You decide to take a glance in the demonology tome instead.



This tome is almost as useless but for providing far too much information. After a few minutes spent furtively searching through the pages you start to develop a headache and flip back to the summoning demons segment of the book. After the Trivial Monstrosity there's a Trivial Succubus, then a Trivial Nerveshredder. You're getting pretty sick of this whole endeavour now. You feel this book is probably designed for people who are making a lifestyle choice to summon demons, rather than someone who needs a specific demon for a specific thing. You decide you can probably afford to skip all these trivial demons. You can't imagine any of them being able to open a portal to hell. You flip forwards until you reach the chapter of the book marked Advanced Summoning.



That sounds more like it. You pause thoughtfully and flip forward to the unsummoning rituals chapter. It takes you a couple of minutes to locate a Mindruiner because it's not where you would imagine it should be.



It turns out you'll need some Haterock to unsummon this thing. Haterock being rock that was once walked upon by the Titan Hate and has since been imbued with an aura of overwhelming hatred... You're absolutely certain you don't have any of that and you have no idea where you'd find any of it. Plus you're under siege by demons so getting hold of it wouldn't exactly be a walk in park. And actually you've never even heard of a Titan called Hate before. And you're not even certain that Titans were real. There's that headache again.
"Oh, fuck this" you mutter to yourself. "I've had enough of these demons and their stupid unsummoning rituals." You flick through the book until you stumble across a chapter entitled Super Advanced Summoning



Oh well, you're invariably going to have to summon some kind of thing you have no control over. Might as well make it a good one.



You head over to the pentagram, replace the monstrosity symbol with the mischief spirit symbol and begin to chant.

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The mischief spirit resembles a fox made out of some kind of roiling black gas.
"Oh." It says, surprised. "Princess Jormungandr. I'm honoured. How can I help you?"

---

>Open with a crafty, expectations defying joke to attempt to gain favor with the mischief spirit.

You think maybe you can outfox (so to speak) this mischief spirit. Beat it at its own chaotic game. You decide to open with one of your favourite jokes. "I wanted some advice. I was at the market the other day and there was this venison supposedly on sale. Eight legs for twenty pounds. I was thinking of buying some but I wasn't sure... is that too dear?"
"That is pretty great.
"Excellent." The mischief spirit responds sarcastically. "That really was great. I'd totally love to make this a regular appointment... no really."

> "Portal to hell would be niiiiiiiiiiii Hang on, how do you..."

> Become distracted and grab that spoon behind you. Refocus.

> "...How do you know my name?"

"No, but for seriously now." You say, somewhat more confident. "What I really need is a portal to..." You pause struck by the memory of something valuable close by. "Hang on."
"Yeah sure I'm sure you've got hundreds of things better to do, don't mind me." The mischief spirit mutters to itself, as you turn around a grab the spoon from the desk nearby. It makes a satisfying clink as it drops into your intangible spoon cache. "Now where were we?" You say, turning around.



"You were asking for a poral to somewhere." the mischief spirit replies nonchalantly. "Did you know your pentagram is damaged? Really should have cleaned up that goop. Damn monstrosities can't keep their fluids inside their bodies it is pretty gross." The mischief spirit's attention snaps back to you. "You shouldn't blame yourself you know, I'd have gotten out eventually." The spirit paused thoughtful and when it continued it's voice seemed almost mournful. "But it would have been fun, watching you run around desperately searching for things to unsummon me with. I've always wanted to kill you, you know. You don't of course but nevermind. It was nice knowing you Princess."



"Aww..." The mischief spirit says. "You are so adorable. You should have seen the look on your face when you thought I was going to kill you..."
"What do you want?!" you demand angrily.
"Chill out." The mischief spirit replies dismissively. "I'm not going to kill you, not yet anyway. You are far too much fun. No at the moment I am just curious." the mischief spirit paused. "We know about you on the ninth floor. Tchort is such a bore he hasn't shut up about this for weeks. He's all about invading the surface; taking this principality as his own. Me, I'm more curious as to how you are up here and down there at the same time. What's going on Princess?"

---

Fenrir and Hel: Look over at your sister, wave, and continue with whatever you're doing on the otherside of the room...

You look to your sisters for help in this alarming situation but all you get in return is a friendly wave before they go back to whatever it is they're doing over there. God you are so glad they're on your team.

>Don't tell him anything. The only reason you're alive is because you're interesting. Shrug enigmatically and ask him why you should tell.

"Why should I tell you anything?" You ask, suddenly striking a previously undiscovered seam of courage. The mischief spirit paused and the menace came back into it's eyes.
"Because stubborn people aren't very interesting." It said. "You're pretty good Princess, like an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a shapeless red dress. But this is the Surface!" It grinned. "I bet I could find ten things just as interesting as you before breakfast." another pause. "Well?"

"Recreational Cloning."

>"CLONES!"

"Clones!" You yelp. "It was clones! I cloned myself with cloning and now I'm a clone!"
"Huh." said the mischief spirit, slowly. "That wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it would be... Have you ever noticed that? Like on TV, whenever there's a big mystery the real explanation is never as awesome as the ridiculously overcomplicated ones you come up yourself?" Another pause and, if the mischief spirit could shrug then you'd be prepared to bet that it would have done so right about now. "Oh well, nevermind. Seeya in Hell Princess."

>"So, uh... think you could lend a hand? It would be sure to cause mischief in the underworld!"

"Wait!" You proclaim suddenly. The mischief spirit pauses and glares at you. "I have a proposition."
"A proposition?" asked the mischief spirit. "What do you have to bargain with?"
"I have the opportunity for some real fun." You say. There is a long pause.
"I'm listening..." The mischief spirit says.
"Let me go and open a portal to Hell for me." You say.
"And that's fun because of... what?" asked the mischief spirit.
"I'm going to go to Hell to get my soul and my kingdom back." You say. "I will crush anything that stands in my way and since I'm given to understand that my soul is right at the very bottom of Hell in the fiery depths of the ninth circle then there's going to be a whole lot in my way that's going to get crushed and once I get there I plan on finding Tchort and ripping his creepy head off."
"That..." the mischief spirit paused. "That does sound like fun, if only to watch how miserably you fail." There was a long pause. "Okay I'm in." The mischief spirit grinned.


The Mischief Spirit has joined Team Jormungandr.



"I'm not called The Mischief Spirit" protested the Mischief Spirit.
"Well?" You ask irritatably. "What do you expect me to call you if you don't tell me your name?"
"The name's Riubyyk'n." said the Mischief Spirit Riubyyk'n. "Although you mortals tend to find names that long a little unwieldy."
"You realise you're talking to Princess Lisa Jormungandr?" you ask.
"Good point." Riubyyk'n concedes. "Call me Rubi anyway. For the sheer giddy thrill of it."


Rubi has joined Team Jormungandr.

> Then initiate hugs/snorgles.

I couldn't help noticing a dangerous absense of hugs.

"Much better." said Rubi. "Now about this Portal to Hell..." You cut Rubi short with a massive hug. "What was that for?" Rubi continues.
"Not sure." You say. "I've been having this odd impulse to hug you ever since you first appeared. Now seemed like an appropriate moment." You pause. "You were saying? About the Portal to Hell?"
"I was thinking, are you one hundred percent sure you want a Portal to Hell." Rubi asks. "Wouldn't prefer a Portal to the Afterlife?"

---

> ...What's the difference, exactly?

"...What's the difference exactly?" you ask.
"Well a portal to the Afterlife opens into a sort of purgatorial area where you then make your way to Hell while a portal to Hell sets opens directly into Hell." Rubi explains.
"So I go through to the Afterlife and then I probably have to go through some kind of absurd trials to get to Hell or something?" you ask. "Why would I do that when I can go straight there?"
"The thing about portals is that you can go through them either way." Rubi explained. "And don't get me wrong, I personally don't care for those women over there, I have a feeling you might be upset should they get torn limb from limb by an army of demons. I also have a feeling that should I let that happen I'd probably be the one to get the blame."
"...Yeah." you reply. "When you put it like that the Afterlife sounds pretty good. Let's do that."



"Right." said Rubi. "In order to open a portal to the Afterlife I need two things."
"Oh yeah?" you say sarcastically. "Here we go. Time for the pointless fetch quests I presume."
"I can perform the ritual but you know what it's like with rituals. You have to chant some obscure word in that stupid pointy demon language. It's a stupid language, every damn letter looks the damn same." Rubi says "If you happened to have a copy of The Mortumbris Abyssex then I could look it up."
"Okay fine." You say thoughtfully. "I suppose it's conceivable that there might be a copy in the library." You pause and add: "Not on the bookcase there, I mean in the library down the hall. It's a very big library with lots of books." You're about to head off when Rubi interrupts you.



"We're not done yet." Rubi says. "I need something from Hell."
"Why?" you ask. "You're not even opening a portal to Hell!"
"Well technically it just has to be from the afterlife but I figure the way your principality is at the moment you're more likely to have access to something from Hell than from Heaven." Rubi says.
"Is that it?" you ask after a long thoughtful pause.
"No actually, there's just one more thing I'll need to open the portal." Rubi paused.



"I need a human sacrifice. At a pinch a mostly human sacrifice will suffice." Rubi grins as she watches you process this new information.
"Is that everything?" you ask eventually. Rubi nods. "Out of interest what would it take to make a portal to Hell?"
"I can just conjure those at will once I'm on the surface. Want to see?" Rubi asks with a sly grin.
"No thanks." you say quickly. "So a copy of the Morblegorble Guide, something from Hell and a human sacrifice? I best get to work."



"Oh no wait I just thought of something else." said Rubi.
"I thought you said that was everything to make the portal?" you ask.
"It is, I'm just thinking ahead." said Rubi. "You'll need gold coins for the ferryman, or else you'll just end up wandering around the afterlife like an idiot hunting for gold coins and I don't think that would be very entertaining to anyone, least of all me." You sigh impatiently.
"So that's definately everything?" you ask uncertainly.
"Yeah that's all." Rubi replies.



"Except..." Rubi mumbles. You sigh.
"Except what?"
"Promise you won't snap at me?" Rubi says timidly.
"What is it?" you ask exasperatedly.
"Promise?"
"Okay fine." you say. "I promise."



"Well no offence but you don't look like you could fight off a cold." said Rubi. "You're going to need some help. Someone stronger, and faster, and who isn't weighed down by what I can only hope is holiday weight." You snarl at Rubi.
"I can handle myself." You say icily.
"I saw you in Hell." Rubi says. "And well... I hope you've learnt how to handle yourself since then." she paused. "Look, just trust me and get yourself a bodyguard."
"Fine." you say bitterly. "So that's everything then? That book you mentioned, something from Hell, a human sacrifice, some gold coins and a bodyguard."
"Yes." said Rubi. "Ceremonial robes are nice if you can get them but are not really necessary."



"Wait a second." Rubi says. You sigh.
"What is it now?" you ask impatiently.
"Oh no. I was getting mixed up with the ritual to summon a delicious cup of tea. They're surprisingly similar." she grins. "That's everything. For reals this time."