Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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Is there a demon you can summon that is powerful enough to give you blackwood?

Possibly but not all demons are as "friendly" as Dimitri and even if you did convince one to give you some blackwood bark you'd have to then unsummon that demon with probably an even more obscure item creating an infinite cycle of summoning and unsummoning while the legions of Hell obliterated every last person in the world. So no.

Can we take the darkbrown wood and darken it to blackwood and use it in the desummoning?

There's a difference between the two types of wood that is more than just the colour of it, though the name may suggest otherwise. The botanists of this world were just very uncreative when it came to thinking up names.

> I believe we have yet to visit the Great Hall. Go there.

You walk to the top of the hall and throw open the doors of the Great Hall. The transformation since you last saw the room is shocking. Sandbags and barbed wire barricades have been set up at this end. At the far end of the room a giant thorned growth has broken down part of the wall and your elite phalanx of guard squid are trying to keep out the demons that keep flooding through the gap. On the wall to your right (on the same wall as the fireplace) is the door to the kitchen. On the wall in front of you, past the barbed wire barricades is the door to the staircase that leads up to the throne room.

---

> Hug the squid to reassure schler.

You run up to General Oioujuoaie and give him a great big hug.



"You aren't going to believe the morning I've had General." You say. "I was locked in my room for ages and then this demon turned up and stole my soul. Luckily I'd cloned myself and now there's a demon playing charades in the War Room. It's all kinds of chaos." You pause for a second. "So what have you been doing?"

> Ask the squid what's going on.

Get a debriefing of the situation, stat!

"Your highness." The General responds without taking his eyes from the battlefield. "The castle is under heavy attack from demons. We've tried calling military bases at other cities but we believe we're the last place in the whole of Jormungandr that is holding out against the demon menace. And we're not even holding out that well. It's a concentrated assault and we've been unable to repel them all. I would order your immediate evacuation but they've taken the east side of the castle and with it the Hangar. We have not had time to ascertain the status of the alley around the back of the kitchens, but if it is still unblocked it may be the only safe way out for you and the other Princesses.” He paused. "You should go now. We'll hold off these demons as best we can."
"Bleak." You say. "Keep holding them off. If you give me enough time I can sort this whole thing out. Demons back to Hell. My soul back where it belongs." The General nodded, he'd long ago learnt that it was pointless to argue with you once you'd set your mind to something.

>To the throne room!

Then, if safe, go to the throne room and sit on it. Hell yeah.

You would but those barbed wire barricades are in the way. Not to mention that the General said that side of the castle had been taken by the demons.

>Quietly check the fireplace to see if there's anything interesting in it

> Grab that poker from the fireplace.

You wander over to the fireplace and search it for anything of use. The hearth is full of coal and you find a poker, which you take and wield menacingly. You figure the rest of the fireplace is probably just for decoration.

>Obtain Blackwood bark from fireplace.

You consider dismantling the fireplace for some blackwood bark but then it strikes you that the fireplace is obviously made from whitewood. You give the whitewood a quick poke in the hope that it might spontaneously turn into blackwood bark and end your search here and now. It does not.

---

Use the ink as a sort of warpaint and apply in a badass pattern.

You paint your face in the most badass style you can think of. It comes out looking like a moustache



After a couple more attempts you give up and just draw a moustache on your face.

>Mourn loss of the soldier on the other side of the fence

You bow your head solemnly to the fallen squid on the other side of the barricade. You can't help but think that your solemn act of rembrance is made a mockery of by the fact that you have a moustache drawn on your face. And that the ink you used to draw the moustache came from inside the body of a squid whose life was very recently cut tragically short.

>Rub the coal on the whitewood until it turns black

You apply coal to the whitewood fireplace. It is now dirty. Congratulations. You have created Blackwood bark. Rejoice for your epic journey is now complete. You can finally unsummon that lumbering retch of a beast Dimitri and get on with your quest to journey to Hell and retrieve your soul from the evil demon Tchort and it will all be simple compared to the trials and tribulations you had to face to obtain this piece of Blackwood bark. Nah I'm just kidding. It's still whitewood, just very dirty whitewood. On the plus side you've made a mess and that appears to be one of your unspoken objectives in this adventure.

> Investigate yonder kitchens.

You make your way over to the kitchens and push the door open. A squid you don't recognise is filling in for the chef, not very successfully if that sludge up one of the walls is any indication. You preemptively discern what the wooden items in this room are made from. In this case it's lightbrownwood.

---

>Ask the squid what he's cooking.

"Hello!" you say. "What's cooking?"
"Oh Princess Jormungandr! You're not supposed to be in here." says the squid. Under your withering stare he nervously adds: "Though of course it is your castle you can go wherever you want."
"I hope that's not for me, because no offence it looks potentially lethal." You comment.
"I know." The squid replies sadly. "I mean, no it's not for you. It was supposed to be a nice refreshing kelp soup for the rest of the guards, but I don't seem to be any better at cooking than I was at combat." You feel a pang of sympathy for the poor chef and attempt to rally his spirits.
"Maybe it tastes better than it looks." You suggest hopefully.
"I... I doubt it." The chef replies. "Lets just say, the first batch exploded."
"Maybe it exploded because it couldn't contain the deliciousness?" you suggest hopefully. There is a awkward pause that seems to stretch on. "Okay, maybe not." You admit.

Also, grab that key.

>Taking the key and using it on the rightmost top drawer also looks like a potentially profitable idea.

You reach for the alarmingly large key but the chef snaps it up with surprisingly quick reflexes.
"Ummmm...." he says cautiously. "I've got orders. I can't let anyone have that key."
"I'm the Princess!" you say. "I can have whatever key I want."
"Sorry your highness, orders are orders." he says, as though this concludes the matter.

> Draft the chef squid into the army.

"I hereby draft you into the Jormungandrian Army." You say.
"I'm already in the army." The squid retorts. "I got sent in here because I'm apparently unsafe on the battlefield, The General says I can't accidentally kill anyone from the kitchen." He glances down into the pot of simmering green goop. "I wouldn't be so sure." He continued nervously.

Also, aggress that candelabrum. You're armed, you're dangerous, and you're not going to take it anymore!

>It's time to show that candelabrum who's boss. Which is you. With a poker.

Yes, this is it, the shoe is on the other foot now. Now you've got a badass moustache and the swift poker of anti-candelabrum justice. You're going to pound that candelabrum till it pleads for mercy.

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You grin widely as you survey the wreckage of your destroyed foe. "Take that foul candelabra scum." You whisper at it's mangled corpse.

>Eat Sludge. EAT SLUDGE!!

Against your better judgement you try a bit of the semi-congealed goop that Chef Eaeeijoiuae is cooking up. It's not all that bad actually. You smile warmly at him and he grips the key tighter, apparently believing your approval of his goop is a tactic to get him to part with it.

>Ransack fridge.

>Check yon cooking materials

The cupboards and stuff are mostly full of food and cooking equipment. Pretty useless in terms of adventuring potential. You notice one cupboard stacked full of the regular chef's favourite magazine...

Continue onto the new room.

You walk through the door and out to the outside. The air is hot and the sky, that you can see, burns red. The alley's exit is blocked by a massive black thornvine. It is not made of Blackwood. Nor is the briefcase nor the shady character you see before you.

---

Talk to the shady character.

You walk over to the shady character, who glances furtively from side to side. "Hello!" you say.
"Pssst!" he hisses conspicuously. "Pssst! Over here!" he whispers.
"Uh... hi!" you say.
"Can I interest you in a piñata in the shape of a crab?" he asks.
"Ummm... not really." You respond hesitantly.
"Did I mention the piñata is full of drugs?" he continues shadily.
"No you didn't." You say. "I'm still going to say no but, you know, thanks."

>That stature! Those looks! That attire! Swoon like you've never swooned before.

You have a sudden realisation about the Shady Dealer. He's tall. He's dark. He's potentially handsome... better looking than Dimitri anyway. He's obviously your dream guy and he's been right here under your nose the whole time! You notice you've been so busy staring into the beautiful black void where his eyes probably are that you've missed half of the conversation/sales pitch.



"...or there's Vitanté brand lubricant which is made from the pulped remains of moss pulled from rotted trees and contains real living ants for that little extra kick during." He continues in his conspicuously hushed tones. Suddenly you feel repulsed by this shadowy stranger and wonder why you ever liked him in the first place. He's probably only that shady to cover up some kind of disgusting deformation anyway.

> "Say there, black marketman, how goes shady dealings?"

I guess we should buy some illegal blackwood bark from the shady character

"So black marketman, how goes shady dealings?" you ask.
"Call me Slim." The shady character paused. "I'll be honest, it's not as... lucrative as I had expected. I was working the black markets down in some of the cities and I earned enough to get by, but there's so much competition. I was just about making enough spoons to breakeven. One day I hit across a brilliant idea, that since selling to people with not very many spoons wasn't making me very many spoons I might make very many spoons by selling to people with very many spoons. I thought maybe if trade was good enough I'd be living on my own little tropical island in no time. It's not exactly like that though. The only way I'm staying afloat is selling to that hippy guard with the stupid name."
"Well that was a fascinating bit of exposition." You say. "Now how about some blackwood bark?"
"I've got some of that!" Slim discreetly exclaims. "Here, take a look at my stock."



Finally you have found the elusive Blackwood bark. Now to just take it and be off to unsummon Dimitri and get on with your quest. But wait, what's this? Five spoons for Blackwood bark! What an outrage! According to your intangible spoon cache you currently have a grand total of one spoon.

---

Inquire about Cabbage.

"And you call yourself black market..." you say sceptically.
"Hey!" Slim snaps. "I'll have you know this is the finest black market in the entirity of Castle Jormungandr."
"But... Cabbage?" you ask.
"Cabbage is illegal!" Slim retorts. "You know how illegal this stuff is?! You can get exiled to the Isle of The Snakebears for just looking at one of these."
"No you can't." you say. "And I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as the Isle of the Snakebears."
"That's exactly what they want you to think!" Slim whispers conspiratorially.

> Ask if he's willing to buy anything from you
>Confirm in advance that he's not going to get your soul from this deal

"Is there anything you'd be willing to buy from me?" you ask.
"Yeah... maybe." said Slim. "But it would have to be something pretty damn special. I'm not going to buy any old trash you can find lying around a luxurious castle, you know."



"I just want to make sure of something before we start the whole haggling process." You say.
"Haggling?" Slim asks. "Who said anything about haggling?" You ignore him.
"If I make a deal with you I am not forfeiting my soul am I?" You ask.
"No." Said Slim thoughtfully. "It's something to think about though. I could start my own evil empire, tricking people into selling me their soul then selling it to other crooks on the black market for a nine hundred percent markup..." Slim looks miles away. You figure you'd best snap him out of his soul trader reverie.

> Start low. Offer zero spoons for the blackwood bark.

"I want the Blackwood bark." You say. Slim snaps back to reality.
"Well that's five shiny spoons." He says. "Lets see that crockery."
"I was thinking maybe it might be worth about zero spoons." You say.
"Hmm." Said Slim with exaggerated thoughtfulness. "I'd like to present a counteroffer of five spoons."
"Five spoons is outrageous." You insist. "Zero spoons is so much more reasonable."
"It's five spoons or you can get out of my alley." Slim says.
"This isn't your alley!" you say.
"Is too!" Slim argues. "It's got my name on the wall. I don't see your name on the wall."

>You are royalty. You must have been trained in the oratory arts at least a bit. Talk him down on the price.

You think back to your training in the oratory arts. While you had no formal training your mother, Queen Ragnarok, used to train you for hours at a time. You take a deep breath and prepare to put your skills into action.
"Shut up you stupid dick!" You scream. "I want the blackwood bark and you see me! I'm the goddamn princess! You're going to give me the bark or I'll have your head cut off and put in a little box which I'll carry around with me and when I'm angry I'll open the box and spit in it!" There is a long minute of deathly silence as usually follows a demonstration of your oratory skills.
Eventually Slim breaks the awkward silence. "I... I guess I'll go as low as four spoons! How's that?"

I'm thinking the spoons are locked in that drawer.

You recollect the locked drawer in the kitchen and remember that that is indeed where a good number of spoons are kept. More than enough to pay for this transaction. If only you could get that overzealous chef off your back...

---

> Give the chef one spoon in exchange for the key to the spoon drawer.

You head back into the kitchen and walk up to the chef. As you approach he remembers your attempted key-stealing exploits from before and snatches it away.
"Hello." You say calmly.
The chef watches you suspiciously for a couple of seconds before venturing: "Your highness."
"I'm going to make you an offer that I believe you will consider to be too good to be true. You have never known in your life known an offer as incredibly good as the one you are about to recieve. You'd be a fool to turn it down." Silence. "In exchange for a temporary loan of that key I am willing to give you the grand total of... one spoon."
"One spoon?" the chef repeated incredulously. "Okay assuming for the moment that I am open to bribery, which I'm not thank you very much, why would I accept one spoon when I can use the key myself and avail myself of as many spoons as I'd like?"
"Ah." You say. "That is... a good question... ummm... Let me get back to you on that."

> Buy Cabbage, trade it for the key?

You head back out into the alleyway.
"Okay I'm not buying the Isle of the Snakebears crap but I would like to purchase one cabbage please." You say.
"Thank you kindly." Slim says. "Would you like to open an account with Slim's Black Market Bargains?"
"What would that entail?" you ask suspiciously.
"Oh just give me a couple of details I give you a reward card and if I ever get arrested I can use the details of my customers to cut a deal for myself." Said Slim.
"Erm..." you reply in mock-consideration. "No thanks." Slim hands you the cabbage and you head back inside.



"Hello again." You say to the chef. Silence. "I've brought you a gift." You say hopefully. "It's some cabbage for your soup." The chef looks at you suspiciously. "You were worried about your soup. You want to make it nice and tasty and refreshing for your comrades? This will help."
"Okay." Said the chef warily snatching up the cabbage and dropping it into the pan.
"That's not traditionally how you cook cabbage but whatever." You say. "Can I have the key now?"
"No!" The chef responds, clearly taken aback. "You mean your generous gift of cabbage was a bribe to be given in exchange for the key to the spoon drawer?"
"Ummm... yeah." You say.
"Diabolical!" exclaims the chef. "But I guess thanks in our order for your thoughtful and generous gift, regardless of your deceitful intentions"

>Offer the chef a comfy post on a tropical island or something in exchange for the key.

"How about if I found you a nice comfortable position on a tropical island?" You ask.
"That sounds nice." Says the chef, but stops suddenly. "This is another ploy to get hold of the key isn't it?"
"No." you say. "This is a straight out quid pro quo exchange. You give me the key I promote you to be in charge of a phalanx, consisting of only the most beautiful squidgirls on a tropical island."
"Well..." says the chef. "No. For two reasons: 1) If I wanted to live on a tropical island I could because I could just swim out to one and live on it 2) no I will not accept a bribe." You frown and stomp off into the Great Hall.

Ask General Squid why the key is off limits to everyone.

"General Oioujuoaie?" you ask.
"Your highness?" he replies.
"Why is the spoon drawer off limits to everyone?" you ask.
"They are communal spoons to be used as actual cutlery." He explains. "Therefore allowing anyone who finds their intangible spoon cache to be a little low to just wander up and take as many as they want is undesirable. I'm sure you can appreciate that."
"Well I guess..." You begrudgingly reply.

>Offer your soul for the blackwood bark

You make your way back out to the alleyway.
"Okay." You say. "Here's the situation. I really need that blackwood bark. I am prepared to offer you my soul in exchange for it. Surely that has to be worth more than four spoons."
"Actually." Said Slim. "You don't have a soul. I can tell because all the time you've been talking to me I've been wearing my Soulscope Shades and this is why my eyes have not been visible."
"Well that clears up some issues that absolutely nobody was questioning." You say. "May I put it to you that your Soulscope Shades are faulty and you should seek a refund?"
"You could try but I doubt I would believe you." Slim whispered. "Here's a proposition for you, take my Soulscope Shades. Go out and get me a valuable soul and we'll call it even. Hell if you bring me a really valuable soul I'll even pay you on top of the bark."

You have come up with several ideas of ways to proceed. Each of these courses of action will result in your gaining the blackwood bark you so desperately need but will have other benefits/drawbacks which may not reveal themselves until later in the adventure.
What course of action do you pursue?

1. Tell Slim that you will give him his very own island once you've reclaimed your soul and kingdom if he'll help you along the way.
2. Sell a sample of your DNA
3. Steal and sell the soul of another.

or another course of action altogether?

---

Promise him an island

"I know I have no soul and everything but even so I think stealing the souls of others so I can continue the quest to recover my own is a bit too evil for my blood." You say. "And also somewhat hypocritical now that I think about it."
"I understand. The life of a greedy self-serving salesman who cares only about his own profit margins and naught about the moral implications of situations is not for everyone." Slim admitted.
"I'm going to level with you." you say matter-of-factly. "I'm on a quest to travel into the deepest darkest depths of Hell and reclaim my soul. I need that blackwood bark and I'll probably need more stuff that you can supply along the way."
"So... what?" asks Slim. "You want to talk a sponsorship deal? Slim's Black Market Bargains: official sponsor of your trip to Hell?"
"No." you say. "If you're willing to help me out throughout my journey I will give you, in exchange, that tropical island you've always wanted." Slim looked thoughtful for a couple of seconds.
"Can it be a bit bigger than the one in my imagination?" he asks. "That one is nice but there's not really enough room to build a house or anything and I can't be expected to just stand there all day long looking conspicuous." You nod. "Then I think we have a deal." he says with a grin. "I'll give you the blackwood bark for free and a massive fifty percent discount on anything else you buy from Slim's within the foreseeable future." You receive a piece of blackwood bark.



Hooray! You finally have your precious blackwood bark. What next?

---

>Victory dance. Obviously...

>Dance awkwardly

In celebration you proceed to do the monkey in a very awkward and badly animated way.

> Return to the War Room.

> Go use the bark for the purpose it was intended!

Remember that demon... you should probably deal with it now.

After you eventually get bored of that you make your way back to the War Room clutching tightly your hard won blackwood bark. As you approach you can hear the raised voices of Dimitri and Fenrir screaming at one another.



"You imbecile!" yells Dimitri. "The answer was clearly Jaws! There is no such film as facehole!"
"What do you know you stupid ugly demon thing!" screams Fenrir. "You're not even a proper demon!"
"And what do proper demons look like?" Dimitri demands. "Like you? With stupid red horns and an even more ridiculous prosthetic tail? And I don't even want to know how that's staying in place!"
"I'll have you know that this is the very height of fashion!" Fenrir yells. "A concept that a stupid ugly ignorant hell dwelling demon thing like you wouldn't understand."
"Well if that isn't the imbecilic repulsive moron calling the kettle black I don't know what is!" Dimitri shouts. "Your fashion sense is about as up to date as you are intelligent. By which I mean that your fashion sense is not at all up to date!"
"You want to come over here and say that?" Fenrir yells. "You have to be the single most pathetic demon I have ever seen! You've been hanging around here for ages now and you've not killed or even maimed anyone! I don't think you have the stones!"
"Oh is that how you want it?" Dimitri retorts. "Because you can have it like that if you want. I only need one of you to send me back down to Hell..."
This is getting a bit much. You decide to step in before Fenrir gets herself disembowelled.



You hold aloft the blackwood bark and chant the chant that you rather fortuitously memorized the first time you looked at the book. Within seconds the snarling saliva oozing monstrosity that is Dimitri vanishes back to the hell from whence he came. Your blackwood bark is reduced to a pile of ash.
"That was so worth an entire island." you mutter crossly.



"Jormy, Hel..." Fenrir says. "I ummm... I know you two have this war with Hell alliance thing going on." she pauses. "Well I want in. That demon bastard said that my fashion sense was... not good!" she shudders "And that is just one step too far! Demons are hateful bitter twisted monsters and they all need to die!"
"Okay." said Hel. "You're in."
"Hang on, don't I get a say in this?" you ask.
"Seriously Jor?" asks Hel. "You're going to vote no against your own sister?"
"Erm... well..." you hesitate. "Well no, but it's nice to be asked." You pause. "Okay Fen, you're in."


Princess Fenrir has joined Team Jormungandr.


Fenrir grins widely. "Okay." she says. "Now are you going to Hell or what? It seems like you've been faffing around the palace for ages now."
"Hey I'm trying." You say. "Dimitri said that opening a portal to Hell was far above his abilities. So we need a better demon." You spontaenously decide to check the notes segment of your yPhone for details on your current objectives.