Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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Spoiler

>Tell it that you command it.

"I, um, command you!" you say hopefully.



"Not this again." moans the monstrosity. "It's always the same, I'm just sitting down about to enjoy a fine cigar and a glass of Chateau Petreuse, and all of a sudden I'm hurtled to the surface by a bunch of teenage girls who think larking about with dark magicks and creatures upon which no man should gaze is tremendous fun." The big black eye blinked and looked around the room. "Aren't you all a little too old for this kind of shenanigans?"

>" Okay boy, fetch me an entrance to Hell! Theres a good boy!

There's a long awkward pause, but you press on: "I command you to get us an entrance to Hell."
"Oh yes here we go." The monstrosity says sarcastically. "Always the same: Dimitri make us an entrance to Hell, Dimitri make this boy at school like me, Dimitri do a flip, Dimitri ride the veil between life and death like a mechanical bull, Dimitri burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man. You people are never satisfied."



"Stop moaning and do it!" you snap.
"Didn't you even read the book?" asked Dimitri the Monstrosity. "If you'd bothered to give it more than a cursory glance you would have learned that an invocation to open a portal to Hell is far above the abilities of a Trivial Monstrosity like myself. You might as well ask me to paint the sky gold, I simply cannot do it."



"Now if you would kindly release me then perhaps I might get five minutes of rest before some other aspiring dark coven summons me again from the depths." Dimitri says. "Knowing my luck they'll probably be naked. Do you humans not realise how incredibly ugly you are as a species?"

---

Ask him where in Hell Tchort is.

"If you answer a couple of questions for me then I'll let you go." You say.
"Fine." Says Dimitri bitterly.
"Do you know a demon called Tchort?" you ask.
"Hell's a big place you know." Dimitri says defensively. "I don't know every single demon down there. Do you know everyone on the Surface? I think not." There's a momentary pause. "But as it turns out I do know Tchort, that smug git. The way he snivels around after her - it's sickening."



"Where in Hell will I find him?" you ask.
"Right down in the ninth circle." Dimitri says and pauses. "That's the deepest level of Hell." He explains, clearly annoyed at your lack of knowledge on the subject.
"So to get to him I have to go through all nine levels of Hell?" you ask.
"That's right." Dimitri says "If you manage to get all the way to the second circle (which you won't) feel free not to look me up, ever."

Ask him if there are any entrances to hell nearby.

"Are there any entrances to Hell nearby?" you ask.
"God I hope not." Dimitri shudders. "To think of all you humans being able to wander into the depths at nought but a whim. That's the kind of thing nightmares are made of."

>"Okay fine." Send him back to where he came from.

"Is that it?" asked Dimitri. "I've answered your queries and quandries to the best of my abilities. Might I finally be permitted to leave your presence?"
"Okay fine." You say. "I hereby release you back into Hell or whatever it is that you're supposed to say." You wave your arms at Dimitri hoping that your enthusiasm will make up for the fact that you're not sure how this bit goes.



"You trio of idiots!" Dimitri exclaimed. "Did you even read the book at all?" You shake your head slowly, confused by his sudden anger, and by his still being here. "Of course not. I imagine you probably just picked up the book and skipped straight to the part where you could learn how to bother me."



"What did we miss then?" you ask. "I know how these things work. This spell forces you over and binds you to this plane, then I uninvoke it and no longer bound here you spring back. Simple."
"That's not how it works at all." Dimitri snapped. "The spell does force me over but it just binds me to this pentagram. In order to return to my home sweet Hell you have to perform the unsummoning ritual."
"Unsummoning ritual?" you ask.
"Look it up." suggests Dimitri.





"That is not fair!" you exclaim. "How was I supposed to know I'd have to do an unsummoning ritual?"
"By reading the book." Dimitri replies. You pause for a second.
"Okay good point," you admit. "but still unfair."

>Say asparagus, hope everything cancels itself out

"What about if I just say asparagus?" you ask, then stop in shock.



Dimitri steps out of the pentagram and shrugs. "Where am I going to go? And I need you guys to help send me back to Hell." He pauses for a moment. "Of course it would take just one of you to perform the necessary ritual to return me to Hell, so if you don't make a go of it soon then I might be forced to take some unfortunate measures to ensure that you remain focused."



"So lets see about that Unsummoning Ritual shall we?" Dimitri asked nonchalantly.

---

>See about that unsummoning ritual.

>Look up the proper reagent.

Slyly look in the book to see what you need to unsummon the demon.

That's a relief. You thought you'd have to trek around looking for some obscure item that isn't available anywhere. Something occurs to you. Blackwood Tree? Didn't you have all of those burnt down after David Blackwood accused you of overreacting? Hey well you can still probably obtain the bark in it's medical context. There's probably some in the first aid kit in the Guard's Quarters... unless that was the medical thing you had made illegal for suspected use in demonic rituals... erm...

... shit.

---

See if the book contains any information on how to contain Monstrosities after the seal has faded.

Even though that wasn't particularly helpful you're rather glad you bought this book; you're getting a hell of a lot of mileage out of it.

>Have the monstrosity conjure up some Blackwood bark.

"Hey Dimitri?" you ask somewhat nervously.
"How may I help you?" his response is calm and controlled with just the slightest undertone of menace.
"Do you think you could summon up some Blackwood bark?" you ask. "For the unsummoning ritual?"
"I think you must have me mistaken with a majkkal pixie." Dimitri responds irritably. "I'm more the kind of demon that slashes people to pieces and impales their heads on poles." He paused. "Though, given the option, I prefer a nice game of charades."

>Get one of your pals to bring some from their lands.

"What about you two?" you ask Hel and Fenrir.
"What about us?" Hel asks confusedly.
"Blackwood bark?" you respond. "To unsummon Dimitri."
"Dimitri?" asks Fenrir. "Who's Dimitri?"
"You know, Dimitri!" you say sarcastically. "That demon over there." Hel and Fenrir glance towards Dimitri.
"Oh hi." Hel says, before turning back to you. "Didn't notice him turning up." She looked down at the book for a second. "This book is really great you know Jor. You should hear some of the things they do to people in Hell..."



"Can either of you bring me some Blackwood bark from your Principalities?" you ask.
"Erm, no." says Hel. "Because we're here. Not in our Principalities." She paused. "And we're under siege from the forces of Hell."
"Oh yeah." You reply thoughtfully. "Guess that was a pretty stupid question."
"Any Blackwood bark you want you're going to have to find somewhere in this palace." Clarified Hel.
"Yeah thanks for that." You reply snarkily. "Sooooo helpful."

> To the Guard's Quarters with yee!

"I'm going to go and look for some." You say. "You three play nice." There is a general murmuring of ascent and you step out into the hallway. Luckily for you the Guard's Quarters is just across the way.



You step into the quarters of your well trained phalanx of guard squid. You can hear someone mumbling incoherently from the depths of the pool.

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SpoilerNON CANON TIME!

>paint the sky gold

"You missed a bit." You say. "And it's going to need a second coat."
"See what I mean?" says Dimitri aggrievedly. "You're never satisfied."

END OF NON-CANON TIME

---

>Check everything but the pool. Including the Book, Lockers, and Med Kit.

You examine the book on the table to your left. On closer inspection the book appears to be some kind of bright pink towel.

>Grab a towel in case of emergency.

Good idea. After all a towel is the most massively useful item an interstellar hitchhiker a cloned princess can have.

Explore the INCONSPICUOUS red locker.

Bizarrely enough all the lockers are tightly locked, probably in an effort to stop people like you from wandering up and taking whatever they please. You don't know the combinations. Interestingly the red locker appears to require a key and always has done.

Hey, maybe there's a portal to hell in the pool?

You ponder whether the pool could be some kind of portal to Hell. It would be incredibly convenient, however you doubt it. In fact you doubt that there are any naturally occurring gates to Hell because if there was demons probably wouldn't have had to go through all this stealing your soul rigmarole in order to invade the mortal plane.

> FOCUS! Look inside of the First Aid Kit.

You remind yourself of the peril that Hel and Fenrir are facing and force yourself to get back to your search for Blackwood bark. You check the First Aid kit, finding two unused syringes and some bandages, but no Blackwood bark. You guess it's not going to be that easy.

---

Perhaps you could use one on Dimitri and have a cloned demon?

An idea occurs to you. You will collect some of Dimitri's DNA and clone him. Then you'll have two versions of him threatening to kill you and your sisters. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

>Start collecting spoons

>Gather yon Syringes!

> collect syringes

You look down at all the lovely shiny things you'd like to carry around. Your towel, that spoon and those syringes. That seems like rather a lot to carry around at once.

Just put them in your inventory.

Inventory? What inventory? What do you take yourself for, some kind of common adventurer? You don't have an inventory, that's what servants are for.



That said spoons, being the official currency of your Principality, are something of an exception, you slip the spoon into your intangible spoon container, and you can reasonably carry two syringes and a towel at once.

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Spoilerin case you're wondering this is why you haven't carried things around until this point. I've been kind of trying to get someone to suggest that you put stuff in your inventory but since nobody is biting I thought I'd just clarify for clarity's sake.

Now you are back in possession of an unused syringe (or two) it's time to clone up another copy of yourself.



When you arrive back in your bedroom you discover your unidentified black object which you have been ignoring all day long is ringing. As you are loaded up with pointy objects and it is surrounded by hideous candelabra you decide to ignore it for now.



You make your way to the other side of the room doing your best to avoid the malevolent candelabra that surround you. You take a blood sample, inject your blood into the cloning vat and tidy away any used syringes. Congratulations in just a couple of hours there will be another version of you wandering about the place, you're not sure how helpful that will be but you guess that it probably won't hinder your efforts.

---

Wait, how about adding demon dna to your clone? Maybe then you'll have a clone with DEMON POWERS.

God that'd be amazing.

Do this

Once again you've had another stupid idea about cloning. You think it would be a good idea to go and grab some of Dimitri's DNA and inject it into the cloning vat so your next clone would have demon powers. What a stupid idea.



Wait, hang on. That's not a stupid idea at all! That's an awesome idea! You scoop a used needle up out of the used needle bin (located behind the cloning vat) and rush off to the War Room.





Hel, Fenrir and Dimitri are playing charades. They don't pay much attention to you as you gather some of Dimitri's thick brown saliva. Gross.





You rush back to your room and inject the disgusting brown goo into the cloning vat. After a couple of seconds of strained k-thunking the machine appears to process the demonic DNA. You really hope you know what you're doing.

> Throw the towel at the candelabra near the phone.

>Decide it's time to overcome your fear of candelabra; take a brave stand

Okay, this is it. This crippling fear of candelabra? It's stupid and it's got to stop. Candelabra are just objects. You can just walk over there and take your damn phone and woe betide any candelabrum that gets in your way.





On second thoughts you like the idea with the towel.



You throw the towel candelabra-ward. Two candelabra topple from the table while one is neatly covered by the towel. You should now be able to access your phone without fear of painful candelabrum retribution.

---

Access the phone!

You snatch your yPhone from the jaws of the ravenous candelabra and answer it. "Hello?"
"Hi!" responds Fenrir chirpily.
"What is it Fen?" you ask abruptly.
"Me and Hel are having a great time playing charades with that big ugly friend of yours and we thought maybe you'd like to come and join us?" Fenrir asked.
"Maybe after I've searched the entire castle from top to bottom for the item that's going to save your life." You respond.
"Okay, seeya then." Fenrir says and hangs up.



Since you finally have your phone you decide to go to the notes section and make a couple of notes on your current situation.

Look behind the picture of Uncle Billy.

Behind the portrait of Uncle Billy you discover... a nail. To be honest you weren't certain what you expected to find back there anyway. Upon closer scrutiny the frame appears to be made of Darkbrownwood.

>Candelabraphobe Jormungandr: See if the Demon Summony Manual has anything to say on, oh, trying to create unholy combinations of human and demon genetic code.

The demon summoning manual was published before the widespread use of cloning vats, but you guess that if it did mention this topic at all it would probably say something along the lines of 'death is inevitable, please retrieve deadly weapon from where you stashed it during your preparations and pre-emptively end your suffering.'