Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

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Spoiler

It's a couple of hours later and you are now this you. The cloning process is finally complete and you awake as the vat clicks open. For some reason you have all the memories of your real self right up until she was dragged off to Hell by that bastard Tchort. You decide that it's up to you to rescue yourself from the depths of Hell and reclaim your kingdom.

Find some clothes for your clone.

This is obviously your first priority. You dread to think what your mother would have thought if she knew you were walking around naked and covered in pinkish cloning vat goo.



Now you're all cleaned up and wearing one of your many identical but for the colour dresses. What next?

---

Clone yourself again, just in case.

While this is a really good idea you don't have the means to clone yourself again at the moment. True you do have a syringe, which you recover from where it fell around the back of the cloning vat, but it has already been used and you know better than to reuse syringes. Looks like you'll just have to wait till you can find another syringe.



Suddenly the cloning vat beeps at you and a peice of paper emerges from a slot.



You retrieve the paper and read it. It says "System Malfunction: Clone brain structure partially compromised. Clone will experience an crippling phobia of candelabra. No other problems expected."



... AARGH!

---

>Hide behind cloning vat until you can figure a way out of this.

You have a quick panic attack and vault over the table to the spot hidden behind your cloning vat. It's actually quite nice back here. If you didn't have kingdoms to save, souls to reclaim and monstrous candelabra to destroy then you'd probably stay.

>Bust down the door to escape

The door's already open nimrod! You'll say this for Tchort at least he was true to his word and got that damnable door open for you. If only that blasted candelabra wasn't in your way! You're going to have to figure out a way of overcoming your phobia and getting out of here.

---

>Realize that you only have a crippling fear of candelabra, not a candelabrum. If you take them one at a time you should be fine.

You're partially brain damaged and even you can see the faulty logic at work in this idea. If for example you had a fear of mice would you be unafraid of a single mouse? You think not. Then again without a fear of mice and some mice you have no proof of this hypothesis. Then again why are you thinking about mice? You have more important things to be thinking about like those ghastly abominations unto nature that are candelabra (and if there's only one around then a candelabrum is just as ghastly and abominationish).

Throw something at them.

>Hurl pink potion at the vanity and candelabra on it.

This seems like a great idea. You'll probably never need this flask of as yet unidentified pink goo. Hurling it across the room will in no way make your life that much harder later on in your journey. You hurl the flask of pink goo with all your might.


It worked! The candelabrum that was blocking your way has been toppled.

>Just run past, maybe they won't notice you

You gather up your courage and run through the candelabra infested room. You narrowly dodge through the doorway and slam the doors shut behind you. You let out a massive sigh of relief as you find yourself in an entirely candelabrum empty and boring to look at hallway.

---

Don't go into a room. Dig a hole.

Digging holes is fun! Although part of you is alarmed at how easy it was to dig a massive hole in a corridor of your castle.

Don't forget to lick the pink goo.

You'd love to lick the unidentified and potentially poisonous pink goo. You think it would be delicious. However it's proximity to a candelabrum, even a fallen candelabrum, is too immediate. Your potentially lethal but probably tasty treat eludes you.

Listen closely to see if you can hear anything coming from one of the rooms.

You check out the War Room (the room adjacent to yours) first. You press your ear against the door and hear the sound of quarreling coming from inside. You sigh. People are always fighting in the War Room. It should not be allowed.



The door on the opposite wall to your bedroom, that of the guard's quarters, is quiet with tranquil blue splooshing.



You walk towards the door at the top end of the corridor, the one that leads out onto the Great Hall. You don't even need to press your ear to the door this time. The sounds are clear. A loud roaring and gunfire followed by a slightly alarming squorp a couple of seconds later.

>RDJ: Peer tentatively into the room adjacent to the room you just came out of to see if there are any candelabra inside

You can't see any from here. This room is probably perfectly safe.

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SpoilerAnimation of Silliness!

>Display cutscene revealing the current whereabouts and status of White Dress Jormungandr

---

>Proceed into perfectly safe room with reckless abandon.

>Make a dramatic entrance. Throw the door open as far as it will go.

Proceed into the room while imitating the cry of a mean beast known to frighten candelabra.

You decide to charge into the room like you own the place, because you do own the place. For a second you think of imitating the cry of a mean beast known to frighten candelabra but then you remember that those damnable candelabra are not afraid of anything. This is part of what makes them so goddamn nervewrackingly mindmeltingly terrifying.
Anyway you stride confidently into the War Room to see Princesses Fenrir (in red) and Hel (in chequered black and white) gathered around the table. You suddenly remember you invited them for brunch before this whole being locked in a room/having your soul stolen by a demon thing started.



"Hey Jor." Fenrir greets you enthusiastically, some kind of green cocktail in hand. "You're late to the party!" Hel mutters something under her breath. It's clear she isn't enjoying herself quite as much as Fenrir is.

---

>Sorry, soul got stolen. So how's things?

"Sorry, soul got stolen." You say casually. "So..."



There was a thump as Hel slammed her fist down onto the table. "That's what I'm talking about!" she exclaimed angrily. "Fucking demons! You know what I mean?" You open your mouth to respond but before you can Hel is off again. "They think they're evil? I'll show them evil! Climbing out of Hell and launching an attack on me! I practically invented evil! Fucking amateurs!"



"Don't mind her." Fenrir cut in. She mouthed 'time of the month' towards you.
"Go fuck yourself Fenrir. You won't be laughing when those demon bastards attack your Principality." Hel snapped venomously. "You won't be laughing then when they flood your streets and force you into the gutter like a rat as they torture and kill your entire population. Then you'll be saying save me and I'll whisper no." Hel paused. "Because by then I'll be Queen of the fucking Demons! Yeah you'll fucking see."

> Take a quick glance at the map

You take advantage of the fact that neither Fenrir or Hel particularly seem to want your input at the moment to sneak a glance at the map of The Principalities laid out on the table. It's exactly as you remember it.



"Hey Jormungandr." Fenrir says. "Don't you think demons are so fashionable right now?" She gestures to her fake devil horns and tail. "We should totally get you some! You'd look fierce with a couple of horns and a demon tail! And hey maybe you could have like some vampire fangs or something? They're demons too, right?"

---

>Give Fenrir a glare that perfectly summarizes all the ordeals you've had to suffer up until now

>Slap her in the face.

You glare at Fenrir with all the glaringness you can muster. You consider slapping her a few times but refrain yourself because you're friends, and friends only slap friends when they're hysterical. Fenrir doesn't really seem to notice your stern glare. Hel looks between the two of you and chuckles to herself.



You sigh and try another tactic. "Look I've just spent the last few hours in a cloning vat, and clearly there have been knock on events to me losing my soul. Why not fill me in?"



"Couple of hours ago the sky over Jormungandr turned red and demons started pouring out of the ground all over the Principality." Hel says. "At first I didn't really mind, after all most of your Principality is made up of clones so they can all be replaced and, hell a little bit of genocide is a nice way to start the morning." She paused. "Then they crossed the border and started attacking Hel as well." She pauses for a second and you can see her straining to keep calm. "Well they picked the wrong Princess to mess with. I'm the evil one around here!" Hel downs the green cocktail that has totally been there the whole time.

Then take the WEIGHTED COMPANION CUBE from the bookshelf.

You aint no pansy-ass twilight reading schoolgirl.

...

Well you're not a schoolgirl at any rate.

---

> Examine Photograph.

It's a picture of you and Seraphinia. Sera's a full time adventurer, seemingly always in the midst of some kind of exciting exploit. You met when she rescued you from a rampaging mutant and while yes the imperiled princess falling for her saviour is such a cliché, you are dating.

You briefly wonder where she is, but you know if anyone's tough enough to survive a demon invasion it's Sera.

Then read Ham! It's comedy gold.

>Read about hams

This is not an appropriate time for ham!

Is that copy of Mutewood the Collector's Edition?

Nope it's the original edition where the mind-numbing horror is occasionally offset by the main character thinking there is a gun in the shower.

Quick! Grab the book labeled "Boring". A how-to guide about drilling holes through things is exactly what we need! Think about all of the weird puzzle shit we could bypass by boring through the palace walls!

This would be awesome but it's actually just a really boring book. You're not sure why you bought it, let alone why you bought the sequel. You decide that that's enough thought bubbles for now and you should actually do something next.

Attempt to collect The History of Passageways Hidden Behind Bookshelves, accidentally push it in whilst doing so.

You prod at "A History of Secret Passages Hidden Behind Bookcases" in case this is some clever secret passage. However nothing happens. You guess AHoSPHBB is just a regular book.

Grab the books about surviving Jormungandr, Jormungandr a true story, summoning demons, Gamer's Compedium, Dante's Inferno and the one about secret passages.

You grab all of the books and strain under their combined weight. Right what next?

---

Go through Dante's Inferno for tips on getting to hell.

You dump the books onto the table and notice Hel staring at you. You glance towards her but she looks away as you do so. You shrug it off and start reading Dante's Inferno hoping to glean some information on how precisely to get to Hell.



"What are you doing?" Hel asks.
"What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to sort this mess out." You respond.
"...What's the plan?" "Bust the door to Hell down, and fight your way to Satan to get your soul back?" Hel asks.
"Pretty much." you respond.
"Want some help with that?" she asks. You stare at her for a second or two. "Yeah I know. I'm the evil one. I should be causing apocalypses rather than averting them but... they're killing my people." she pauses. "Only I'm allowed to kill my people!"

Form an alliance with Hel?

---

Yeses win. Hel's in.


Princess Hel has joined Team Jormungandr.



Hel grinned widely. "Okay, but don't go thinking you can command me about the place or anything. You're not my boss. We're partners." You sigh. Typical Hel. "And don't even think about sending me down to Hell. I'm not ready to get ripped apart by demons. I'm not nearly as clone-happy as you are."

"Then what are you going to do?" you ask irritatably.
"I'll coordinate the war effort." says Hel. "There's no point getting your soul back and banishing the demons back to Hell if everybody's dead before then. Plus I can do valuable research while you run around and solve whatever weird puzzle shit you might happen to come across." You shrug.
"Well I suppose you're better than nothing." you say. Hel glares at you but you ignore her.

While you're at it, ask Fen if she'd like to join in.

> "Sure Hel. You coming too Fen-fen!?"

"You in Fen-Fen?" you ask, mildly alarmed at your own choice of nickname.
"Nah." She responds. "Sounds like a lot of work. I'll just hang here for now." You shrug again and turn back to Hel.



Hel snatches Dante's Inferno across the table. "I've got this." She says. "I'm not sure how much help it's going to be though. Dante knew a hell of a lot about how hell was organised and everything but in terms of how to get there I think we should ask a native."

Learn how to summon demons.

You open up the alarmingly large 'Summoning Demons for Fun and Profit' and flip through the pages and pages of safety information, demon etiquette, demon lore, demon linguistics and preparation rituals till you get to the first page that has anything to do with summoning.

---

>Try and summon the monstrosity.

Follow the book's instructions.

See what's on the next page, first. It might be important.

You skip forward to the next page to make sure you are not missing any vital information. The next page appears to be all about summoning succubae and you're sure nobody wants that.

>Check out that preparation chapter and make a pentagram.

So that's how to draw a pentagram, now all you need is something to draw it with.



"Hey Hel." You say. Hel glances up from the book and looks at you quizzically. "Don't suppose you've got anything to write with? Chalk or a marker pen or something?" Hel shakes her head and looks back at the book. Just what did you team up with her for anyway? Ugh.



"I've got some lipstick?" suggests Fenrir.
"It's a bit gauche but I suppose it'll work." you say.
"What colour do you want?"
"Something dark." says Hel.
"Dark like dark red or more like a purple?" Fenrir asks. "Or maybe black?"
"How about whatever colour is to hand." you interrupt impatiently. Fenrir hands you a tube of lipstick and you walk over to the far side of the room and draw a pentagram on the floor.



It doesn't look too bad. Okay time to summon up a demon.