Re: Mini-Grand 5101 [Round 2: Medieval Village]
07-18-2011, 05:58 PM
Originally posted on MSPA by BlastYoBoots.
"OW FUGCH TOO FUWGHNG HOHT!"
Berlin coughed up chunks of fresh French toast amid a stream of curses. Those that didn't stick to his beard littered the floor, where a pair of purple rats scurried out to devour them. Nathan took this as a sign that it was safe to descend from the stairway.
"Excuse me, Berlin", he asked as the wizard cracked open a second beer to soothe his tongue, "but you should really listen to-" "Bring in a shovelful of horseshit for me from the stables, I'll hear what you have to fucking say."
After realizing this wasn't a metaphor, Nathan complied.
At Berlin's direction, he upended the manure into a bubbling orange cauldron that smelt of dying skunk feces. Nathan had given up at imagining why any game outside the atmospheric horror genre would bother with such eye-watering odors. "What the hell is this stuff?"
"Yeah, it's nasty. You'll get used to it like the rest of the town has. The fumes this mixture sends out" – he gestured to the cracked-open windows – "go goddamn everywhere. If this spell isn't titrated and boiling twenty-four seven, we have ourselves a fucking dragon."
Berlin stirred it with the manure shovel, then turned his attention to the brew in the cauldron next to it: a sickeningly brown mixture he stirred with a ladle. Nate recoiled as the wizard lifted it and sipped. "This one's tea! Easier to brew it in bulk." Berlin smacked his lips thoughtfully, and then upended the remainder of his second beer into the pot. "There, needs a little buzz. Got plenty if you want some." Nathan declined.
"So yeah, that fucking dragon." The wizard filled himself a NO. 1 BOSS mug. "Black as night, huge as hell, fire-breathing piece of work. Townsfolk don't tithe me enough to keep it away! 'Course I'm the reason it's here in the first place..."
"...wait, what?"
"No no no, it's not like that, goddamnit! It'd be anywhere I'd move, and burn shit down if I left. It's... complicated. Actually, that's damn well enough about me. Why the fuck's the town looking for you?"
Oh, now he listens. Should have tried uncomfortable questions earlier. "Not sure, but I'm not the only one here. There's a..." "Giant bird?" "Yeah, a bird, a redheaded guy, and a murderous cyborg. We were taken for some reason, a battle, and switch to a new location whenever... someone dies, I think? So one died, then we were here?" Come to think of it, which one? The cyborg couldn't have gone down, so either Bartleby or the bird... and the townsfolk mentioned a bird. Guess I really was supposed to keep him with me. Poor, dumb, suicidal side-character. Oh well.
"So... you want to hunt them down, I take it?"
"The cyborg, yeah. He's a monster. I'd rather ally with the others. And live, of course." Nathan picked up his rifle and hit the nano-reloader for effect. "Not that living will be too much of a problem."
Berlin nearly spat out his tea in laughter, missing an opportunity to wash the toast out of his beard. "You're gonna fight with that?!"
"What? It's an advanced rifle, an MG-" "Heckler and Koch em-gee-nine, yeah yeah. Nice gun, though I don't really care for the timeframe; world's so damn corporatist then, it's a total bore. More importantly, it's a fake. Someone pawned off a VR toy on you."
Um, yeah? I know? Why the hell is he meta- "Don't believe me, eh? Here." Berlin smacked the status button on the side of the rifle.
A hardlight-nanomesh display window unfolded, floating about an inch from the gun's left side. Various options and readings were listed on it: most prominently, that the ammo counter was infinite (?), the firing mode was 'demo' (!), and – in big, bright red letters – "NOT SYNCED WITH ANY COMPATIBLE VR SPHERE".
This is the worst fucking game you have ever played.
"OW FUGCH TOO FUWGHNG HOHT!"
Berlin coughed up chunks of fresh French toast amid a stream of curses. Those that didn't stick to his beard littered the floor, where a pair of purple rats scurried out to devour them. Nathan took this as a sign that it was safe to descend from the stairway.
"Excuse me, Berlin", he asked as the wizard cracked open a second beer to soothe his tongue, "but you should really listen to-" "Bring in a shovelful of horseshit for me from the stables, I'll hear what you have to fucking say."
After realizing this wasn't a metaphor, Nathan complied.
At Berlin's direction, he upended the manure into a bubbling orange cauldron that smelt of dying skunk feces. Nathan had given up at imagining why any game outside the atmospheric horror genre would bother with such eye-watering odors. "What the hell is this stuff?"
"Yeah, it's nasty. You'll get used to it like the rest of the town has. The fumes this mixture sends out" – he gestured to the cracked-open windows – "go goddamn everywhere. If this spell isn't titrated and boiling twenty-four seven, we have ourselves a fucking dragon."
Berlin stirred it with the manure shovel, then turned his attention to the brew in the cauldron next to it: a sickeningly brown mixture he stirred with a ladle. Nate recoiled as the wizard lifted it and sipped. "This one's tea! Easier to brew it in bulk." Berlin smacked his lips thoughtfully, and then upended the remainder of his second beer into the pot. "There, needs a little buzz. Got plenty if you want some." Nathan declined.
"So yeah, that fucking dragon." The wizard filled himself a NO. 1 BOSS mug. "Black as night, huge as hell, fire-breathing piece of work. Townsfolk don't tithe me enough to keep it away! 'Course I'm the reason it's here in the first place..."
"...wait, what?"
"No no no, it's not like that, goddamnit! It'd be anywhere I'd move, and burn shit down if I left. It's... complicated. Actually, that's damn well enough about me. Why the fuck's the town looking for you?"
Oh, now he listens. Should have tried uncomfortable questions earlier. "Not sure, but I'm not the only one here. There's a..." "Giant bird?" "Yeah, a bird, a redheaded guy, and a murderous cyborg. We were taken for some reason, a battle, and switch to a new location whenever... someone dies, I think? So one died, then we were here?" Come to think of it, which one? The cyborg couldn't have gone down, so either Bartleby or the bird... and the townsfolk mentioned a bird. Guess I really was supposed to keep him with me. Poor, dumb, suicidal side-character. Oh well.
"So... you want to hunt them down, I take it?"
"The cyborg, yeah. He's a monster. I'd rather ally with the others. And live, of course." Nathan picked up his rifle and hit the nano-reloader for effect. "Not that living will be too much of a problem."
Berlin nearly spat out his tea in laughter, missing an opportunity to wash the toast out of his beard. "You're gonna fight with that?!"
"What? It's an advanced rifle, an MG-" "Heckler and Koch em-gee-nine, yeah yeah. Nice gun, though I don't really care for the timeframe; world's so damn corporatist then, it's a total bore. More importantly, it's a fake. Someone pawned off a VR toy on you."
Um, yeah? I know? Why the hell is he meta- "Don't believe me, eh? Here." Berlin smacked the status button on the side of the rifle.
A hardlight-nanomesh display window unfolded, floating about an inch from the gun's left side. Various options and readings were listed on it: most prominently, that the ammo counter was infinite (?), the firing mode was 'demo' (!), and – in big, bright red letters – "NOT SYNCED WITH ANY COMPATIBLE VR SPHERE".
This is the worst fucking game you have ever played.