Meta-Derp

The Christmas Store; they're sure to be saving closing-down clearance sales this time of year.

Eeeeh, no. The Christmas Store is run by a bunch of idealistic nut-jobs whose idea of a perfect world is Christmas, and thus Christmas Sales, to be running all year long. They've tried all sorts of methods to convince, or in some cases force, retail outlets to extend their Christmas Sales into February and beyond. Great for the consumer, terrible for the consumee.

Oh shit! There's their recruitment team out on the street. A bunch of poorly dressed teens wearing elf ears and curly felt boots aggressively coercing you into signing their petitions, joining their mailing lists and coming to their cultist meetings. Worse than militant vegetarians. Fucking militant vegetarians. You might go and order a Reindeer burger from Barry's Burger Bake just to piss off both parties.

OK, so admittedly your hate for vegans and Christmas nutcrackers stems from the fact that you feel very uncomfortable around idealism. You're very much a realist and are prone to bouts of extreme cynicism. It's going to be very difficult to find a gift for the Twins today because you're not going to get them a cook-book are you? They eat two-minute noodles nearly every day. It would be unreasonable to give them a vacuum cleaner as well. Realistically, you could get them toilet paper because it's about the only thing they're guaranteed to use. You hope.

Geez, this is going to be harder than you thought. OK, take two. Where to?