Re: The Delicious Engagement [Grand Battle S2G3] [Starts Tonite]
05-30-2010, 09:10 PM
Originally posted on MSPA by Archduke_Ferdinand.
Imagine if you took a recipe for homemade noodles, ran out of liquid halfway through, and decided to replace the missing volume with LSD. Then stretched that batter into a tube shape, baked it, and then somehow shrunk down to the size of an ant and began being hurled through its technicolor hallucinogenic insides at 100 mph. This is something akin to what was experienced by each Engagement contestant as the Eccentric's hideous limbs drew them forth into his realm. After a short time they all found themselves extended from the massive ever-shifting entity, held out nearly 200 yards from him in the black void, suspended. With a flash, a huge lavender platform, shaped in a circle, formed beneath them 20 feet down and began glowing with every color the contestants could see and several they couldn't.
A hissing static woosh went by each contestant, followed by a moment of galactic silence- and then elevator music began to play, rushing past each contestant's ears as a voice called over it- high pitched, female, and soothing.
"Please hold while your ridiculously inept bodies are calibrated for universal suitability. Your language centers will be modified to allow you all to speak natively in the default language specified for your time here. The default language for this engagement is..."
A brief pause lapsed before a significantly gruffer voice droned out. "Finnish."
"Your bodies will be made capable of surviving more or less tolerably in a variety of climes. From the desert to the ocean floor, or even the ninth ring of the underworld, you'll be in fighting shape! Or you'll die. Please hold."
The Eccentric's head formed into a rough cylindrical shape with 16 red globes forming in its maw. A field of red lasers engulfed each contestant as the modifications were forcibly added.
"There. Wasn't that easy? Please enjoy your stay, and your participation here in the Delicious Engagement."
The nine were unceremoniously dropped as the limbs that held them receded into the Eccentric's towering body. The celestial being grappled onto apparently nothing at all and swung itself down towards the large platform, speaking as it went, taking on a loud announcerly tone.
"Good evening contestants, and welcome to the Delicious Engagement! Folks, we're here to tell you now that this competition is a little something special, and just a touch under the radar- but it's perfectly official, sucks to any pretentious PACK A DAY SMOKER WITH A FANCY TIE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE."
Shaking its head and laughing from the sudden outburst, the Eccentric proceeded to roll itself down under the platform, sickeningly lurching its oozing black junkpile base to the bottom of the platform. It stretched its torso out, up, and over the side of the platform and leered at them.
"This here is called the Delicious Engagement, where all of you will be tested in your capabilities. There will be eight rounds of combat- and in each one, one of you lucky folks will PAINT THE TOWN RED. THE OTHERS WILL SPILL YOU ACROSS THE LANDSCAPE AND RECYCLE YOUR CARBON INTO WRITING STICKS."
The Eccentric's form quivered and glopped mightily as it spoke.
"BUT FIRST LET'S SEE OUR distinguished contestants." It laughed a guttural, unnatural laugh, presumably also in Finnish. (Everyone can be presumed to be speaking Finnish unless otherwise specified from this point on.)
"This here is Steinwaffe, a stone man from a boring Earth place called Germany who PROTECTS YOUR PRECIOUS JESUS STONES OR WHATEVER YOU KEEP IN THE REAL ESTATE RESERVED FOR YOUR GOD. SERIOUSLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW, STEINWAFFE. YOU SEEM BORING. He can kill the undead something fierce and CHUGS MILK RIGHT OUT THE CARTON."
"And speaking of boring Earth gods, here's our good friend Swhales, who according to my quick glossary search is one of Earth's largest sea mammals, capable of breathing underwater for hours at a time, and full of muscle! THE ADDITION OF HIS UNHOLY PANTHEON NECKLACE MAKES HIM PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS. Well, if he can get in touch with a god saner than I am."
"The Brackett-eer here can PLAY WATER POLO IN SPACE if he opens a door there, first! And that door is at the bottom of a swimming pool. HE HAS CONTROL OVER THINGS WITH HINGES AND HANDLES. THIS IS CONSIDERED AMAZING BY HIM AND HIS MOTHER IF SHE FEELS KIND. LORD. IMAGINE HER PRIDE. YES NANCY MY SON? OH WHAT IS HIS PROFESSION? REAAAALLY GOOD AT OPENING DOORS. I WIPE MY JOY TEAR TO THE SIDE FROM JOY ALONE. Chasing him around in a mansion is going to get you nowhere at all."
"The guy who thinks his last name is clever can summon a playdough creature who mauls people if he's feeling threatened, so presumably his time in school was an absolute bloodbath."
"I can't really get a good grip on the grey alien one over there. It's like my gaze goes right through him AHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY AND A JOKE. HE'S A BLANK. MAGIC'LL DO NOTHING TO HIM. PEOPLE ON HIS WORLD THINK IT'S FASCINATING. According to things he left around his house and a couple people from his town he's a private detective or something. So that's combat ready. Remember, Geoff, being unable to be read magically is only helpful when you don't leave stuff or people about that I /can/."
"The cameraman is THE PHOTOGRAPHER, A MAN WHOSE SPECIALTY IS TAKING PICTURES OF THINGS, SOME OF WHICH MAY HAVE HANDLES AND OR HINGES. DOESN'T EVEN OPEN THEM. THIS BATTLE IS A PLETHORA OF COMPETENCY."
"THE ROBED MAN HAS UNLIMITED ACCESS TO ALL THE EARTH FETISH VOLUMES IN EXISTENCE. In addition to other volumes as well."
"The one in the metal box/bed who I haven't bothered to actually let out of said box is a dude who can make himself immaterial. Maybe even to me. I'LL BE PUZZLING OUT A WAY TO KILL YOU REGARDLESS THOUGH, WHICH MEANS ME AND THE OTHER CONTESTANTS ARE GETTING MORE IN COMMON ALREADY."
"And finally we have an angel named Sirius who is a total party animal I swear. It's like OH SNAP WHERE'S THE BOOZE GLUG GLUG I AM SIRIUS."
Sirius suddenly found himself wearing a toga and a fraternity button of the Lambda Omicron Lambda House.
"So, I just explained everything pretty well. Time for.... ROUND 0 of the DELICIOUS ENGAGEMENT! It takes place... Right here! Partially because I am finding a suitable multiverse location for your first actual blood-tastic duel and also so you all can MAKE FRIENDSIES. OKAY SO. THE FIRST ONE TO DO SOMETHING SUFFICIENTLY INTERESTING AS TO CONSTITUTE WINNING.... IS MY FAVORITE. AND THEN AT SOME POINT I'LL FIND A PLACE FOR YOU ALL TO KILL ONE ANOTHER. Have a good time. Dance puppets. Dance."
Uh. Well.
Round 0, everyone.
Primary Objective: Do something interesting enough to constitute winning.
Secondary Objective: Make friendsies
Takes Place: Right here, right now.
(Don't worry guys, only gonna have this last a day or so. Just a fun meet n'greet kind of thing. Bloodshed soon enough. Feel free to directly bother The Eccentric if you've got the stones, this may be the last time you get to for awhile.)
Have fun! [img]images/smilies/apple.gif[/img]
Imagine if you took a recipe for homemade noodles, ran out of liquid halfway through, and decided to replace the missing volume with LSD. Then stretched that batter into a tube shape, baked it, and then somehow shrunk down to the size of an ant and began being hurled through its technicolor hallucinogenic insides at 100 mph. This is something akin to what was experienced by each Engagement contestant as the Eccentric's hideous limbs drew them forth into his realm. After a short time they all found themselves extended from the massive ever-shifting entity, held out nearly 200 yards from him in the black void, suspended. With a flash, a huge lavender platform, shaped in a circle, formed beneath them 20 feet down and began glowing with every color the contestants could see and several they couldn't.
A hissing static woosh went by each contestant, followed by a moment of galactic silence- and then elevator music began to play, rushing past each contestant's ears as a voice called over it- high pitched, female, and soothing.
"Please hold while your ridiculously inept bodies are calibrated for universal suitability. Your language centers will be modified to allow you all to speak natively in the default language specified for your time here. The default language for this engagement is..."
A brief pause lapsed before a significantly gruffer voice droned out. "Finnish."
"Your bodies will be made capable of surviving more or less tolerably in a variety of climes. From the desert to the ocean floor, or even the ninth ring of the underworld, you'll be in fighting shape! Or you'll die. Please hold."
The Eccentric's head formed into a rough cylindrical shape with 16 red globes forming in its maw. A field of red lasers engulfed each contestant as the modifications were forcibly added.
"There. Wasn't that easy? Please enjoy your stay, and your participation here in the Delicious Engagement."
The nine were unceremoniously dropped as the limbs that held them receded into the Eccentric's towering body. The celestial being grappled onto apparently nothing at all and swung itself down towards the large platform, speaking as it went, taking on a loud announcerly tone.
"Good evening contestants, and welcome to the Delicious Engagement! Folks, we're here to tell you now that this competition is a little something special, and just a touch under the radar- but it's perfectly official, sucks to any pretentious PACK A DAY SMOKER WITH A FANCY TIE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE."
Shaking its head and laughing from the sudden outburst, the Eccentric proceeded to roll itself down under the platform, sickeningly lurching its oozing black junkpile base to the bottom of the platform. It stretched its torso out, up, and over the side of the platform and leered at them.
"This here is called the Delicious Engagement, where all of you will be tested in your capabilities. There will be eight rounds of combat- and in each one, one of you lucky folks will PAINT THE TOWN RED. THE OTHERS WILL SPILL YOU ACROSS THE LANDSCAPE AND RECYCLE YOUR CARBON INTO WRITING STICKS."
The Eccentric's form quivered and glopped mightily as it spoke.
"BUT FIRST LET'S SEE OUR distinguished contestants." It laughed a guttural, unnatural laugh, presumably also in Finnish. (Everyone can be presumed to be speaking Finnish unless otherwise specified from this point on.)
"This here is Steinwaffe, a stone man from a boring Earth place called Germany who PROTECTS YOUR PRECIOUS JESUS STONES OR WHATEVER YOU KEEP IN THE REAL ESTATE RESERVED FOR YOUR GOD. SERIOUSLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW, STEINWAFFE. YOU SEEM BORING. He can kill the undead something fierce and CHUGS MILK RIGHT OUT THE CARTON."
"And speaking of boring Earth gods, here's our good friend Swhales, who according to my quick glossary search is one of Earth's largest sea mammals, capable of breathing underwater for hours at a time, and full of muscle! THE ADDITION OF HIS UNHOLY PANTHEON NECKLACE MAKES HIM PARTICULARLY DANGEROUS. Well, if he can get in touch with a god saner than I am."
"The Brackett-eer here can PLAY WATER POLO IN SPACE if he opens a door there, first! And that door is at the bottom of a swimming pool. HE HAS CONTROL OVER THINGS WITH HINGES AND HANDLES. THIS IS CONSIDERED AMAZING BY HIM AND HIS MOTHER IF SHE FEELS KIND. LORD. IMAGINE HER PRIDE. YES NANCY MY SON? OH WHAT IS HIS PROFESSION? REAAAALLY GOOD AT OPENING DOORS. I WIPE MY JOY TEAR TO THE SIDE FROM JOY ALONE. Chasing him around in a mansion is going to get you nowhere at all."
"The guy who thinks his last name is clever can summon a playdough creature who mauls people if he's feeling threatened, so presumably his time in school was an absolute bloodbath."
"I can't really get a good grip on the grey alien one over there. It's like my gaze goes right through him AHAHA THAT WAS FUNNY AND A JOKE. HE'S A BLANK. MAGIC'LL DO NOTHING TO HIM. PEOPLE ON HIS WORLD THINK IT'S FASCINATING. According to things he left around his house and a couple people from his town he's a private detective or something. So that's combat ready. Remember, Geoff, being unable to be read magically is only helpful when you don't leave stuff or people about that I /can/."
"The cameraman is THE PHOTOGRAPHER, A MAN WHOSE SPECIALTY IS TAKING PICTURES OF THINGS, SOME OF WHICH MAY HAVE HANDLES AND OR HINGES. DOESN'T EVEN OPEN THEM. THIS BATTLE IS A PLETHORA OF COMPETENCY."
"THE ROBED MAN HAS UNLIMITED ACCESS TO ALL THE EARTH FETISH VOLUMES IN EXISTENCE. In addition to other volumes as well."
"The one in the metal box/bed who I haven't bothered to actually let out of said box is a dude who can make himself immaterial. Maybe even to me. I'LL BE PUZZLING OUT A WAY TO KILL YOU REGARDLESS THOUGH, WHICH MEANS ME AND THE OTHER CONTESTANTS ARE GETTING MORE IN COMMON ALREADY."
"And finally we have an angel named Sirius who is a total party animal I swear. It's like OH SNAP WHERE'S THE BOOZE GLUG GLUG I AM SIRIUS."
Sirius suddenly found himself wearing a toga and a fraternity button of the Lambda Omicron Lambda House.
"So, I just explained everything pretty well. Time for.... ROUND 0 of the DELICIOUS ENGAGEMENT! It takes place... Right here! Partially because I am finding a suitable multiverse location for your first actual blood-tastic duel and also so you all can MAKE FRIENDSIES. OKAY SO. THE FIRST ONE TO DO SOMETHING SUFFICIENTLY INTERESTING AS TO CONSTITUTE WINNING.... IS MY FAVORITE. AND THEN AT SOME POINT I'LL FIND A PLACE FOR YOU ALL TO KILL ONE ANOTHER. Have a good time. Dance puppets. Dance."
Uh. Well.
Round 0, everyone.
Primary Objective: Do something interesting enough to constitute winning.
Secondary Objective: Make friendsies
Takes Place: Right here, right now.
(Don't worry guys, only gonna have this last a day or so. Just a fun meet n'greet kind of thing. Bloodshed soon enough. Feel free to directly bother The Eccentric if you've got the stones, this may be the last time you get to for awhile.)
Have fun! [img]images/smilies/apple.gif[/img]