Re: DEATHGAME 9000 [S!3] Round One: Gamexus X99
03-19-2012, 02:34 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Lord Paradise.
”Eeh ooh”
“Just a minute, Cornelius.” Cornelius was Trisha’s name for the chimpanzee, she had just decided.
”He has a point,” moaned Eris. ”What are you doing anyway?”
”I think this little guy here,” explained Trisha, patting the unconscious hunk of grey ooze on its head, “Is literally made of primordial sludge. That’s gotta be interesting, right?” She stood and pocketed her syringe. “Plus, it could be a useful trait.”
”We do have more important things to do than playing scientist,” conceded Lynette. ”For one thing, I think I see a door up ahead.”
Trisha wanted very badly to get out of here. Her curiosity was being overwhelmed by her guilt as to the damage they (and especially Eris) were doing to the ecosystem here. She followed Lynette towards what looked to be a nearby exit, but was stopped short when Cornelius started pulling on the hem of her dress.
“Ee ee ooh AAAAAH! OOH AAH!”
“I know, Cornelius, we’re almost through. It’s exciting, isn’t it?”
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
”Oh, come on already,” whined Eris. ”The monkey can take care of itself.”
”Maybe you should listen to your Harangutang, youngster,” called a snide voice from out of the shadows. “These tunnels can get... dangerous. You there, Agent 12?”
“Roger, Agent 11.” A man and a woman dressed all in black stepped into the light on either side of the girls, blocking them in. “In the name of M.O.B.I.L.E., hand over the Faunatura and its cube, or face the consequences.” As if sensing that nobody else present was going to have any idea what he meant, Agent 12 pointed helpfully at Vigil.
Lynette scoffed. ”Well, this is new, at least. Look, Vigil is my friend and I’m not going to gamble him in a stupid fight—“
”Oh, well if he’s your friend,” spat Agent 11. “Mystics above, you have no idea how often we get that.”
“No one’s betting anything,” said Agent 12. “You’re going to hand him over, or we’re going to take him from you.”
Agent 11 held up a cube. “We have resources you couldn’t imagine. Pick a number.”
Eris raised her hand. ”77635.78082141--”
”Wrong!” interrupted Agent 12. “Trick question. The creature in that cube has no number because it defies the standard taxonomy.”
“Much like M.O.B.I.L.E. itself, Syntaxeros cannot be defeated because it doesn’t obey the rules. It is chaos incarnate.”
“I’m sorry,” interjected Trisha, “But we’re not interested in fighti—“
”Shut up, Trisha,” said Eris. ”I want to see the chaos-monster. We’ll fight Syntaxeros. If you win, you can take the bunny.”
”Eris, don’t—“
”If I win, I want to know what M.O.B.I.L.E. stands for. Deal?”
”We’ll give you that much for free,” chuckled Agent 12. “We are the Militar—“
Eris put a finger to her lips. ”Shhhhh. Not until after I beat your asses. I want to have something to look forward to, right?”
”Enough of your insolence! Syntaxeros, go!” Agent 11 clicked on the cube and out poured a zone of black and white static that didn’t seem to conform to the laws of perspective, or really anyone's ideas about the ways things were supposed to work. “Syntaxeros, chooseAttack=1!”
“Neigh,” pointed out Hippocrates.
At Agent 11’s command—or possibly acting on its own volition—Syntaxeros began to spread. As the field of static grew larger, the ground shook, everything began to change colors, and Trisha counted seven of Hippocrates and six of Cornelius. Eris, unperturbed, walked right into it. ”Pure chaos, huh?” said the girl, sitting down amidst all the nothing. ”No, I don’t think so. I know chaos, and this is the opposite. I think what we’re seeing is a glimpse into the real order of things.”
”How’s she doing that?” shouted Agent 12.
“I don’t know!” responded another Agent 12 who had just appeared.
Agent 111111111111 gripped the cube and urged the monster on. “Fight harder, Syntaxeros! ChooseAttack=3! For M.O.B.I.L.E.!”
”Just another deadly maze,” mused Eris. ”Wonder what’s on the other side?”
Eris concentrated on the seemingly-random array of black and white dots inside the Syntaxeros and began to resolve them into the shape of a door. Then she opened it, and an orange lizard in a Hawaiian shirt came out. “Heya!” said the lizard. “I’m Noot!”
Eris slammed the door and the Syntaxeros disappeared back into Agent 11’s cube. Noot walked up to the cube and inspected it. “Hey, there, lady, you wanna watch those glitches. They can seriously screw up your cartridge! Huhuhuhuhuhuh! So, who’s looking for a slap across the face?”
”She is,” said Eris cautiously, pointing at the M.O.B.I.L.E. agent and otherwise looking just as bewildered as everyone else.
“Hmmmm.” Noot examined the terrified Agent 11 and tapped his foot thoughtfully. “Sorry, that’s gonna be a problem. I don’t hit girls. What about her brother over there?”
Agent 12 had been trying to sneak away, and burst into a run. Noot ran after him, waving to Trisha and Lynette as he passed. “Back in a jiffy! Nice to meet ya! Hurhurhur!”
“I don’t like him,” decided Trisha when the lizard was out of sight.
”Yeah, I seriously was not expecting that,” said Eris. ”Anyway, back to business.” She turned back to the remaining M.O.B.I.L.E. agent. ”What does M.O.B.I.L.E. stand for?”
Agent 11 looked down the hall as if waiting for her partner to come save her. “The, uh, the Militarized Organized Bioweapon Initiative for Liberty and Eminence?”
”Okay, but not anymore.” Eris thought for a second, then said: ”From now on, it stands for ‘Moldy Old Biddies Initiative for Little Earmuffs.’ That is your punishment for getting in our way. Now scram!”
She scrammed. Before she had gotten out of sight, Noot returned, dusting off his hands. “So,” said the lizard. “You’re not from around here, are you? You don’t quite have that anime lo—” he looked the three of them up and down. “—Well, you have a different anime look, anyway. But hey, who am I to judge? Heheheheheheh. Name’s Noot. Did I say that already?”
“Yes,” answered Trisha.
“Well, anyway, maybe you can help me out. I’ve been warping around the X-99—I hear there’s a certain lady around here who’ll let you raid her tomb just for the achievement, if you catch my drift—va-va-voom—but I digress, and am also lying—heeheehee—I’m trying to get out. I’m sick of being a two-bit video game character, or thirty-two bit as it were—“
”You’re a video game character?” asked Lynette. ”Eris, what did you do?”
”I didn’t—“
”Cut the little one some slack, sugar. We’re all video game characters, I’m just the one they programmed self-awareness and a sense of humor into to compensate for lousy platforming mechanics—I tried to figure out how many lines of dialogue they’d written for me, but I lost count—maybe I shouldn’t have been counting out loud—hohohohooey—anyway, who’s the brains of the outfit here? Is it the hot one? It’s the hot one, right?”
Noot wasn’t looking at anyone in particular, so Trisha and Lynette both said, ”No,” then looked at each other, confused.
“Look,” sighed Trisha. “So, whether or not we’re in some sort of... computer game... we’re all trying to get out. It’s a maze, right?”
“More like amazing! Check out these graphic specs! Heh. And speaking of jiggle physics, if we want to find a way out of here, we need to head over to Gamexus All-Stars pronto. If there’s a way out, it’ll be there.”
Noot started to walk off. Lynette followed, demanding, ”Are you really going to make us ask what Gamexus All-Stars is?”
Noot turned around, smiling across three-quarters the circumference of his elongated reptilian face. “I’m sorry, for a second there I thought you were sick of hearing my voice, buuuuuuut if you insist, hehahehuheho, GAS is a crossover fighting game. It’s where you go to make new friends and get your beans out outside the demands of plot. I never get invited to their parties, and besides I don’t like being punched—I’m more of a “get-touched-lose-a-quarter-of-your-health” kinda guy—but you ladies seem like you can handle yourselves so maybe all of us together can give it the ol’ college try.”
”Another battle to the death?” asked Eris. ”This is a terrible idea. I like it. Lead the way, Noot.”
”So this is a different game we’re going to?” asked Lynette. ”We went through this door earlier... Do you really know your way around here?”
”Honey, my first game was a side-scroller. My nose only points two directions: ‘towards’ and ‘away.’ So this is... one of those. Hahaaahahaaa!”
Trisha and Lynette exchanged a glance. “Cornelius seems to trust him,” offered Trisha. Lynette rolled her eyes and walked on.
”Eeh ooh”
“Just a minute, Cornelius.” Cornelius was Trisha’s name for the chimpanzee, she had just decided.
”He has a point,” moaned Eris. ”What are you doing anyway?”
”I think this little guy here,” explained Trisha, patting the unconscious hunk of grey ooze on its head, “Is literally made of primordial sludge. That’s gotta be interesting, right?” She stood and pocketed her syringe. “Plus, it could be a useful trait.”
”We do have more important things to do than playing scientist,” conceded Lynette. ”For one thing, I think I see a door up ahead.”
Trisha wanted very badly to get out of here. Her curiosity was being overwhelmed by her guilt as to the damage they (and especially Eris) were doing to the ecosystem here. She followed Lynette towards what looked to be a nearby exit, but was stopped short when Cornelius started pulling on the hem of her dress.
“Ee ee ooh AAAAAH! OOH AAH!”
“I know, Cornelius, we’re almost through. It’s exciting, isn’t it?”
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
”Oh, come on already,” whined Eris. ”The monkey can take care of itself.”
”Maybe you should listen to your Harangutang, youngster,” called a snide voice from out of the shadows. “These tunnels can get... dangerous. You there, Agent 12?”
“Roger, Agent 11.” A man and a woman dressed all in black stepped into the light on either side of the girls, blocking them in. “In the name of M.O.B.I.L.E., hand over the Faunatura and its cube, or face the consequences.” As if sensing that nobody else present was going to have any idea what he meant, Agent 12 pointed helpfully at Vigil.
Lynette scoffed. ”Well, this is new, at least. Look, Vigil is my friend and I’m not going to gamble him in a stupid fight—“
”Oh, well if he’s your friend,” spat Agent 11. “Mystics above, you have no idea how often we get that.”
“No one’s betting anything,” said Agent 12. “You’re going to hand him over, or we’re going to take him from you.”
Agent 11 held up a cube. “We have resources you couldn’t imagine. Pick a number.”
Eris raised her hand. ”77635.78082141--”
”Wrong!” interrupted Agent 12. “Trick question. The creature in that cube has no number because it defies the standard taxonomy.”
“Much like M.O.B.I.L.E. itself, Syntaxeros cannot be defeated because it doesn’t obey the rules. It is chaos incarnate.”
“I’m sorry,” interjected Trisha, “But we’re not interested in fighti—“
”Shut up, Trisha,” said Eris. ”I want to see the chaos-monster. We’ll fight Syntaxeros. If you win, you can take the bunny.”
”Eris, don’t—“
”If I win, I want to know what M.O.B.I.L.E. stands for. Deal?”
”We’ll give you that much for free,” chuckled Agent 12. “We are the Militar—“
Eris put a finger to her lips. ”Shhhhh. Not until after I beat your asses. I want to have something to look forward to, right?”
”Enough of your insolence! Syntaxeros, go!” Agent 11 clicked on the cube and out poured a zone of black and white static that didn’t seem to conform to the laws of perspective, or really anyone's ideas about the ways things were supposed to work. “Syntaxeros, chooseAttack=1!”
“Neigh,” pointed out Hippocrates.
At Agent 11’s command—or possibly acting on its own volition—Syntaxeros began to spread. As the field of static grew larger, the ground shook, everything began to change colors, and Trisha counted seven of Hippocrates and six of Cornelius. Eris, unperturbed, walked right into it. ”Pure chaos, huh?” said the girl, sitting down amidst all the nothing. ”No, I don’t think so. I know chaos, and this is the opposite. I think what we’re seeing is a glimpse into the real order of things.”
”How’s she doing that?” shouted Agent 12.
“I don’t know!” responded another Agent 12 who had just appeared.
Agent 111111111111 gripped the cube and urged the monster on. “Fight harder, Syntaxeros! ChooseAttack=3! For M.O.B.I.L.E.!”
”Just another deadly maze,” mused Eris. ”Wonder what’s on the other side?”
Eris concentrated on the seemingly-random array of black and white dots inside the Syntaxeros and began to resolve them into the shape of a door. Then she opened it, and an orange lizard in a Hawaiian shirt came out. “Heya!” said the lizard. “I’m Noot!”
Eris slammed the door and the Syntaxeros disappeared back into Agent 11’s cube. Noot walked up to the cube and inspected it. “Hey, there, lady, you wanna watch those glitches. They can seriously screw up your cartridge! Huhuhuhuhuhuh! So, who’s looking for a slap across the face?”
”She is,” said Eris cautiously, pointing at the M.O.B.I.L.E. agent and otherwise looking just as bewildered as everyone else.
“Hmmmm.” Noot examined the terrified Agent 11 and tapped his foot thoughtfully. “Sorry, that’s gonna be a problem. I don’t hit girls. What about her brother over there?”
Agent 12 had been trying to sneak away, and burst into a run. Noot ran after him, waving to Trisha and Lynette as he passed. “Back in a jiffy! Nice to meet ya! Hurhurhur!”
“I don’t like him,” decided Trisha when the lizard was out of sight.
”Yeah, I seriously was not expecting that,” said Eris. ”Anyway, back to business.” She turned back to the remaining M.O.B.I.L.E. agent. ”What does M.O.B.I.L.E. stand for?”
Agent 11 looked down the hall as if waiting for her partner to come save her. “The, uh, the Militarized Organized Bioweapon Initiative for Liberty and Eminence?”
”Okay, but not anymore.” Eris thought for a second, then said: ”From now on, it stands for ‘Moldy Old Biddies Initiative for Little Earmuffs.’ That is your punishment for getting in our way. Now scram!”
She scrammed. Before she had gotten out of sight, Noot returned, dusting off his hands. “So,” said the lizard. “You’re not from around here, are you? You don’t quite have that anime lo—” he looked the three of them up and down. “—Well, you have a different anime look, anyway. But hey, who am I to judge? Heheheheheheh. Name’s Noot. Did I say that already?”
“Yes,” answered Trisha.
“Well, anyway, maybe you can help me out. I’ve been warping around the X-99—I hear there’s a certain lady around here who’ll let you raid her tomb just for the achievement, if you catch my drift—va-va-voom—but I digress, and am also lying—heeheehee—I’m trying to get out. I’m sick of being a two-bit video game character, or thirty-two bit as it were—“
”You’re a video game character?” asked Lynette. ”Eris, what did you do?”
”I didn’t—“
”Cut the little one some slack, sugar. We’re all video game characters, I’m just the one they programmed self-awareness and a sense of humor into to compensate for lousy platforming mechanics—I tried to figure out how many lines of dialogue they’d written for me, but I lost count—maybe I shouldn’t have been counting out loud—hohohohooey—anyway, who’s the brains of the outfit here? Is it the hot one? It’s the hot one, right?”
Noot wasn’t looking at anyone in particular, so Trisha and Lynette both said, ”No,” then looked at each other, confused.
“Look,” sighed Trisha. “So, whether or not we’re in some sort of... computer game... we’re all trying to get out. It’s a maze, right?”
“More like amazing! Check out these graphic specs! Heh. And speaking of jiggle physics, if we want to find a way out of here, we need to head over to Gamexus All-Stars pronto. If there’s a way out, it’ll be there.”
Noot started to walk off. Lynette followed, demanding, ”Are you really going to make us ask what Gamexus All-Stars is?”
Noot turned around, smiling across three-quarters the circumference of his elongated reptilian face. “I’m sorry, for a second there I thought you were sick of hearing my voice, buuuuuuut if you insist, hehahehuheho, GAS is a crossover fighting game. It’s where you go to make new friends and get your beans out outside the demands of plot. I never get invited to their parties, and besides I don’t like being punched—I’m more of a “get-touched-lose-a-quarter-of-your-health” kinda guy—but you ladies seem like you can handle yourselves so maybe all of us together can give it the ol’ college try.”
”Another battle to the death?” asked Eris. ”This is a terrible idea. I like it. Lead the way, Noot.”
”So this is a different game we’re going to?” asked Lynette. ”We went through this door earlier... Do you really know your way around here?”
”Honey, my first game was a side-scroller. My nose only points two directions: ‘towards’ and ‘away.’ So this is... one of those. Hahaaahahaaa!”
Trisha and Lynette exchanged a glance. “Cornelius seems to trust him,” offered Trisha. Lynette rolled her eyes and walked on.