Pete the Peasant's Alphabet Funtime

Damn. What's got me worried is that the Inquisition was a response to Protestantism! What's he doing here?

I've got no idea what Protestantism is, all I know is that the Inquisitors came to Turnipland a few months ago. Oh, hang on, he's started babbling again.

"But really, your reluctance to offer your services to me is not the main issue at hand. No, my dear friend Harold, I came here because I am looking for someone. If you can tell me where to find him, I'll overlook your poor customer service."

"Hmmph. I'm not afraid of you, Inquisitor. You can look for him in the depths of Hell for all I care."

"Such rudeness! I was simply about to explain. You see, you may have noticed that there is a sheet of paper pinned to the church door."

"Aye, the Abbott put that up some months back. What are you getting at?"

"Well, to make a long and excruciatingly dull story short, we were sent here to deal with that paper. However, due to convoluted Church politics, we aren't allowed to take down the paper or arrest the priests who put it up. Fortunately, as so few Turniplanders can read, the paper is only a minor problem. Or rather, it was until today, when I heard reports that someone has been going around telling people about letters."

Oh dear. I think he means me.

"Now, knowledge of isolated letters is no problem. But if someone were to learn the entire alphabet - why, they might start reading the Bible and asking questions! We cannot permit feebleminded peasants like yourself to have such power. So, I'm prepared to look the other way over your failure to sell me a hat if you can provide me with some information on this renegade."

"No deal. Even if I knew what the hell you were talking about, I'm not about to sell someone out to the Inquisition!"

That's Harold! You can always count on him.

"Very well, then. You'll simply have to wear this brand for the rest of your life."

Oh no. I need to act now!

> Greet him with a hug!

I'm not sure if that's going to work, but I don't have any other ideas... H is for Hug!

"ACK! Take your filthy peasant hands off me at once!"

You leave Harold alone! Or I'll... I'll... I'll hug harder, I suppose?

"Know your place! An Inquisitor does not take orders from a peasant!"

...Ow. He's strong. Flung me right off him, he did. At least he's not bothering Harold, though... but, erm, perhaps I should do something before he hits me with that brand?

>Alternately, accuse Barry the Barbarian of adultery, heresy, and communion with the devil. He will surely be off like a shot to take care of Barry's barbarism.

Excuse me! Mister Inquisitor! I simply came here to tell you about Barry the Barbarian! He's clearly committed all manner of horrible sins!

"Such as?"

Um... Adultery? Blasphemy? Communion with the Devil? Surely he's guilty of all of those, just for a start!

"...Wait a moment. A, B, C, D... It's you! You're the one gathering letters! You're the one I'm looking for!"

Oh, no, no... Barry's most likely doing that, too!

"Your heathen lies cannot save you, peasant! The hour of your judgement is at hand!"

F is for Fight!!

"Damn you, Inquisitor! You've got some nerve, starting a fight in my store!"

"Silence! Once I've dealt with him, you're next, haberdasher!"

This could be a problem. What should I do?