Re: The Grand Battle S2G1! [Round One: Alpha Complex!]
07-11-2010, 08:50 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Lord Paradise.
Some minutes earlier, Weo awoke.
There was a brief sensation of warmth that overwhelmed every ounce of him, and with it disorientation--everything on his outside seemed to be his insides, and so forth. Then he was whole again.
He was inside what he assumed to be the Crystal Blossom in which, according to the Holy Census, those who are murdered by cowards are given the opportunity to restore their dignity through a marathon of better-than-average sex before their ancestors and victims in the Afterdeath. It was more cramped than he imagined.
The Voice of Death came to him from the underside of his soul, but, dammit, it was only the Observer speaking from the infinitude between atoms. "Hello, Weo. We're in something of an awkward situation here. You're dead."
Weo wished he was stupid enough not to have figured it out. "I'm not dead. I just got shunted to another part of this 'grand' battle. Heh. I've seen grander battles at my fourth-and-a-halfth birthday party."
"Yes, yes, Weo, I know you're a very very good warrior. I've observed it. And that's why you were chosen to be a contestant. Unfortunately you're also an idiot, which is why you got shot in the back."
"Yes, I probably should have seen that coming. Care to explain what's going to happen to me now?"
"Hmm. Well, we're still trying to work that out. This whole cloning situation puts something of a wrench in the works, especially since I'm going for two eliminations this round. Ideally I'd order Friend Computer to have all your clones vaporized instantly, but I have... less control over this Alpha Complex situation than I'd like to admit. And I can't very well teleport you back home as a reward for getting shot, can I? No, I think you're stuck here forever, Clone Weo."
Weo trembled a bit. He didn't like it here very much. Then again, he didn't like home very much either. He certainly would have been more shocked that he would never see another Rillian again, but something in this new body's bloodstream was suppressing his libido, which was the only part of him that ever wanted those fatherless lizard-droppings around anyway.
"Well, alright," he responded, not unhappy. "Who can I--"
The capsule slid open and out came the seven other "contestants." Weo remembered something about "two eliminations" and suppressed a smile. "Which of you weasels shot me in the back?" he demanded of them.
Weasels had castrated Weo's grandfather. Fuck weasels.
Alpha Complex, she soon realized, was certainly complex but not very scenic. She felt that she was a few feet in any direction away from witnessing something truly amazing, but every corner just led to another corner. In the meantime she diverted herself by trying to figure out what Xadrez' game was, what with all the numbers and shooting that one guy, but it was all just a bit over her head.
Anyway, that one guy, let's call him Siren Noises, was alive again, and accosting Arkal.[/color] "Of course you took my scythe, you steroid-infused vulture! It was forged from the finest degree Rillian steel and it is every smith's masturbation fantasy. Surely you can't have just left it there!"
"Sorry," mumbled Arkal, somewhat earnestly, somewhat embarrassed that he'd forgotten to pick up the curious weapon. "We were moving pretty quickly, and there were all these numbers."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now? Punch you all to death?"
You could not
Weo turned on Xadrez. "Ha! I bet it was you, Mr. Gamemaster Gameguy Gamefucking Gamebro. You would absolutely shoot me in the back."
I haven't the slightest idea what purpose that would se--
"Dad?"
So nobody except maybe Kracht had noticed the second Weo crawling its way out of the second pod until it rushed its way to join the first one. "I made it, father! The Afterdeath! Let's get wasted!"
Weo1 considered this development and decided to try for some deception. "Of course, son. But first comes an important journey of the spirit. There is an exact copy of your scythe somewhere in the halls of the Afterdeath. Find it and return it to your father. Oh, and also your corpse will be there. Just ignore that, it's all very complicated and theological."
"I won't fail you again, father," sad Weo2 solemnly, rushing out into the halls.
Luckily for everyone, he didn't hear Weo3 bursting out of his capsule and rushing after him, calling, "Wait! Father!" Dejected, the newcomer turned to Weo1 and said, "Grandfather! That was father, wasn't it? I have to go to him! I have to tell him--"
"He already knows, grandson," said Weo1.
Everyone else stood by, waiting for this to play out, hoping the Rillians would end up just killing each other. Jen sighed impatiently.
"Actually, your father ran out because he couldn't bear the shame of seeing you. He forgives you for absolutely everything and regrets absolutely everything he's ever done to you."
Weo3 started to cry. "Now now," growled Weo1, embarrassed for himself. "Stop it. There's an important spirit journey for you to... to do. Pretty much you have to help me kill the spirit image things of these bisexuals over here who caused your death."
Weo3 gave a quick nod of resolve. "I can do that," he said, turning to the group. "Unarmed?"
"Please, grandson," snickered Weo1. "After what you did, did you really think they were going to let you anywhere near weapons in the Afterdeath?"
"I suppose not. Well, it'll be a challenge this way, an--"
"DEATH LEOPARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!" came Weo's voice from within the fourth pod. A single Rillian claw punched its way through the door of the capsule.
"What the fuck?" Weo3 turned to Weo1, who shrugged comfortingly.
"The Afterdeath is very conf-- aaaaaaah!"
Rillian skin is tough and Clive is a pretty crappy sword, so Jen wasn't having much success sawing through Weo1's shoulder, but she seemed to be causing him a great deal of pain, so there was that. Weo3 shouted "Grampa!" and that was when things started to get chaotic.
Some minutes earlier, Weo awoke.
There was a brief sensation of warmth that overwhelmed every ounce of him, and with it disorientation--everything on his outside seemed to be his insides, and so forth. Then he was whole again.
He was inside what he assumed to be the Crystal Blossom in which, according to the Holy Census, those who are murdered by cowards are given the opportunity to restore their dignity through a marathon of better-than-average sex before their ancestors and victims in the Afterdeath. It was more cramped than he imagined.
The Voice of Death came to him from the underside of his soul, but, dammit, it was only the Observer speaking from the infinitude between atoms. "Hello, Weo. We're in something of an awkward situation here. You're dead."
Weo wished he was stupid enough not to have figured it out. "I'm not dead. I just got shunted to another part of this 'grand' battle. Heh. I've seen grander battles at my fourth-and-a-halfth birthday party."
"Yes, yes, Weo, I know you're a very very good warrior. I've observed it. And that's why you were chosen to be a contestant. Unfortunately you're also an idiot, which is why you got shot in the back."
"Yes, I probably should have seen that coming. Care to explain what's going to happen to me now?"
"Hmm. Well, we're still trying to work that out. This whole cloning situation puts something of a wrench in the works, especially since I'm going for two eliminations this round. Ideally I'd order Friend Computer to have all your clones vaporized instantly, but I have... less control over this Alpha Complex situation than I'd like to admit. And I can't very well teleport you back home as a reward for getting shot, can I? No, I think you're stuck here forever, Clone Weo."
Weo trembled a bit. He didn't like it here very much. Then again, he didn't like home very much either. He certainly would have been more shocked that he would never see another Rillian again, but something in this new body's bloodstream was suppressing his libido, which was the only part of him that ever wanted those fatherless lizard-droppings around anyway.
"Well, alright," he responded, not unhappy. "Who can I--"
The capsule slid open and out came the seven other "contestants." Weo remembered something about "two eliminations" and suppressed a smile. "Which of you weasels shot me in the back?" he demanded of them.
Weasels had castrated Weo's grandfather. Fuck weasels.
* * * * * *
Jen had been having a mediocre time.Alpha Complex, she soon realized, was certainly complex but not very scenic. She felt that she was a few feet in any direction away from witnessing something truly amazing, but every corner just led to another corner. In the meantime she diverted herself by trying to figure out what Xadrez' game was, what with all the numbers and shooting that one guy, but it was all just a bit over her head.
Anyway, that one guy, let's call him Siren Noises, was alive again, and accosting Arkal.[/color] "Of course you took my scythe, you steroid-infused vulture! It was forged from the finest degree Rillian steel and it is every smith's masturbation fantasy. Surely you can't have just left it there!"
"Sorry," mumbled Arkal, somewhat earnestly, somewhat embarrassed that he'd forgotten to pick up the curious weapon. "We were moving pretty quickly, and there were all these numbers."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now? Punch you all to death?"
You could not
Weo turned on Xadrez. "Ha! I bet it was you, Mr. Gamemaster Gameguy Gamefucking Gamebro. You would absolutely shoot me in the back."
I haven't the slightest idea what purpose that would se--
"Dad?"
So nobody except maybe Kracht had noticed the second Weo crawling its way out of the second pod until it rushed its way to join the first one. "I made it, father! The Afterdeath! Let's get wasted!"
Weo1 considered this development and decided to try for some deception. "Of course, son. But first comes an important journey of the spirit. There is an exact copy of your scythe somewhere in the halls of the Afterdeath. Find it and return it to your father. Oh, and also your corpse will be there. Just ignore that, it's all very complicated and theological."
"I won't fail you again, father," sad Weo2 solemnly, rushing out into the halls.
Luckily for everyone, he didn't hear Weo3 bursting out of his capsule and rushing after him, calling, "Wait! Father!" Dejected, the newcomer turned to Weo1 and said, "Grandfather! That was father, wasn't it? I have to go to him! I have to tell him--"
"He already knows, grandson," said Weo1.
Everyone else stood by, waiting for this to play out, hoping the Rillians would end up just killing each other. Jen sighed impatiently.
"Actually, your father ran out because he couldn't bear the shame of seeing you. He forgives you for absolutely everything and regrets absolutely everything he's ever done to you."
Weo3 started to cry. "Now now," growled Weo1, embarrassed for himself. "Stop it. There's an important spirit journey for you to... to do. Pretty much you have to help me kill the spirit image things of these bisexuals over here who caused your death."
Weo3 gave a quick nod of resolve. "I can do that," he said, turning to the group. "Unarmed?"
"Please, grandson," snickered Weo1. "After what you did, did you really think they were going to let you anywhere near weapons in the Afterdeath?"
"I suppose not. Well, it'll be a challenge this way, an--"
"DEATH LEOPARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!" came Weo's voice from within the fourth pod. A single Rillian claw punched its way through the door of the capsule.
"What the fuck?" Weo3 turned to Weo1, who shrugged comfortingly.
"The Afterdeath is very conf-- aaaaaaah!"
Rillian skin is tough and Clive is a pretty crappy sword, so Jen wasn't having much success sawing through Weo1's shoulder, but she seemed to be causing him a great deal of pain, so there was that. Weo3 shouted "Grampa!" and that was when things started to get chaotic.
Spoiler