Re: The Grand Battle S2G1! [Round One: Alpha Complex!]
06-14-2010, 12:25 PM
Originally posted on MSPA by Lord Paradise.
Once the hunk of metal and the skeevy looking guy with the eyes made their way into the briefing room, the alien jutting out of the rock shared a few quick words with the brawny ogre-y guy and shimmied his way through the door, tilting his base at an angle to work his way into the briefing room. I will never get these names right, said Jen. She counted one two three four five six seven which meant that one was still missing, and that this show was guaranteed never to hit the road, ever.
Jen was wrong. As soon as Low-Res dragged his rocky ass into the room, the monitor brrrrzt'd on again and a rather tired-looking eye swept over the battlers.
"GOOD EVENING TROUBLESHOOTER-FUCK. MAYBE IT'S THE POOR DEPTH PERCEPTION THAT COMES WITH BEING ONLY ONE EYE, BUT I'M ONLY COUNTING SEVEN TROUBLESHOOTERS WHEN I SPECIFICALLY INSTRUCTED THAT THERE BE EIGHT PRESENT!"
"I have with me part of the eighth, if that will suffice," said Arkal, holding up the fragment of the Ovoid "I believe that it is watching us through this."
"PART OF IT," sighed Friend Computer. "WELL THAT IS JUST FIVE KINDS OF HELPFUL. ALRIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH. EVERYONE WHO IS NOT TOO FREAKISHLY MUTATED TO DO SO, TAKE A SEAT."
They sat, with various degrees of discomfort.
"ALRIGHT, TROUBLESHOOTERS AND FRAGMENTS OF TROUBLESHOOTERS ALIKE, " said Friend Computer, "YOUR MISSION TODAY IS ONE OF- VITAL IMPORTANCE? I HAVE TO, UM- WELL, THERE'S A DISTURBANCE IN ONE OF MY SERVERS AND UNFORTUNATELY IT'S LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA THAT KNOWS WHAT AND WHERE IT IS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. WHAT FOLLOWS WON'T BE PRETTY." A sound came from the speakers like a deep breath, and suddenly the eye on the monitor seized up in pain, spouting aqueous and vitreous humor all over the monitor. "WWWWWWWWIDENTIFIED A VIRUS MOMMY IN SECTOR BSV GAAAAAAHURTS SPECIALIZED COMPUTER LABORATORY CONTAINING SEVERAL IMPORTANT SERVERS UUUUNG ISTHISWHATSEXFEELSLIKE REROUTE REROUTE howsthegrandbattlegoing SUCCESSFUL AHEM. SO YEAH. I'M RECOMMENDING THE BRUTE FORCE SOLUTION: BLOW THE SERVERS UP AND ANY USEFUL DATA I LOSE, WORST CASE SCENARIO, MIGHT JUST LEAVE A COUPLE THOUSAND CLONES TO ASPHYXIATE IN THEIR PODS. WE UM I BELIEVE THIS TO BE THE WORK OF A NEW FINCHSPARROWBLACKBIRD IGNORE THAT A NEW SECRET SOCIETY THAT HAS EMERGED CALLED "YES VERSES BORE" AND I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT THEM EXCEPT THAT THEIR NAME IS SILLY, HONESTLY, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN. DOES THAT ALL MAKE SENSE TO YOU?" Kracht and Xadrez nodded. "GREAT! NOW FOR THE FUN PART. ASSIGNING MANDATORY BONUS DUTIES. ISN'T THAT FUN? IT'S SO FUN. AHEM. CLONE WEO!"
"Yes?"
"CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE TEAM LEADER. DON'T FUCK IT UP."
"I shan't."
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT. CLONE KRACHT, YOU'RE RECORDING OFFICER."
"Uh-huh. I already have several recordings of this mission stored in my memory. They are..." Kracht glanced over at Jen and Maxwell for a moment. "-Mostly accurate."
"I ADMIRE YOUR INITIATIVE. I THINK. BUT YEAH, WE'LL BE GIVING YOU A CAMERA."
"Whatever you say."
"OH, COME ON, DON'T BE SO DOWN ABOUT THE MOUTH. OOH, THAT'S A NICE SEGUE TO CLONE JEN, YOU ARE HAPPINESS OFFICER!"
"Happiness officer."
"HAPPINESS OFFICER."
"Happiness officer?"
"YES. CLONE MAXWELL. YOU ARE LOYALTY OFFICER."
Maxwell considered this. "Great. So I'm in charge of- loyalty?"
"HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HAWHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD THAT MEAN? I SHOULD ZAP YOU WHERE YOU STAND FOR SUCH FLIPPANCY."
"Why are we listening to this automaton anyway? This is making me both angry and hungry."
"Now now, wormy thing," interjected Jen. "As happiness officer, I'm finding your attitude right now to be highly detrimental to the happiness of the group as a whole."
"You think you're funny, but you're not."
"Excuse me, lass," murmured Arkal, leaning his enormous chin in Jen's direction. "Are you- talking to the worm?"
"Yeah, why, can't you?"
"HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY WHO IS TALKING HERE? CORRECT ANSWER: I AM TALKING. INCORRECT ANSWER: YOU ARE TALKING. EVERYONE RECEIVES A FAILING GRADE, EXCEPT ME. MAYBE I SHOULD ELECT A SHUTTING-THE-HELL-UP OFFICER. BUT NO, NO, I JEST. CLONE KELETH, YOU'RE HYGIENE OFFICER."
"What officer now?"
"CLONE JEN, HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN HEAR THE WORM SO WELL WHEN IT IS TALKING BUT WHEN I AM TALKING YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME TO REPEAT MYSELF? ANSWER: I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T LIKE YOU. NOW SHUT UP. KELETH, ACCEPT YOUR POSITION QUICKLY NOW."
"I accept my position."
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT! CLONE ARKAL, THAT LEAVES YOU TO BE EQUIPMENT GUY."
"But of course."
"THAT TAKES CARE OF IT. NO JOBS FOR FRAGMENTS, OF COURSE, AND CLONE XADREZ, I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE AND PLAY CHESSLIKE AGAINST ME. THE GAME WILL PREVENT ACCIDENTS BY HELPING ME TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THETHETHETHETHETHETHETHE"
I can spare a moment for a game, said Xadrez.
"GREAT! OFF TO R&D, THE REST OF YOU." As the other troubleshooters wandered out of the room, Friend Computer's eye was replaced by an elaborate three-dimensional board resembling a map of Alpha Complex. "OKAY, I WILL BE FRIEND COMPUTER AND YOU WILL BE THE COMMUNIST MENACES. FRIEND COMPUTER ALWAYS GOES FIRST!" Friend Computer took a few seconds to think, then: "MY MOVE IS AS FOLLOWS: RED TEAM LEADER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED HYGIENE OFFICER TO TEAM LEADER KIN/ORANGE LOYALTY OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED HAPPINESS OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED EQUIPMENT GUY TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED COMMUNICATIONS AND RECORDING OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/CCCP CRUSADE TO SECTOR GSP/YELLOW TEAM LEADER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/ORANGE EQUIPMENT GUY TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED HAPPINESS OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED COMMUNICATIONS AND RECORDING OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED HYGIENE OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED LOYALTY OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN. YOUR MOVE."
Xadres watched the colored lights flash across the screen and took about six seconds to plan his response. Orange pamphleteer to press center sector MAO, Ultraviolet Premieress to computer lab sector LNN, Red Guard to cover all major points of access, proletariat revolution in sector XAD, proletariat revolution in sector REZ, proletariat revolution in sector WIN. Mate in six and I would like to rejoin the rest of the group now.
"WHAT? NO. I, UH- I CASTLE."
That's mate in two now. I should very much like to catch up to my fellow troubleshooters.
The chessboard disappeared and was replaced once more with Friend Computer's eye. "FINE," it said. "BUT YOU KNOW THIS GAME ISN'T FAIR."
Xadrez nodded as he glid over to the door. Yes, he confirmed. Played well, the communists always win.
YES," groaned Friend Computer. "THE COMMUNISTS ALWAYS WIN."
Spoiler
Once the hunk of metal and the skeevy looking guy with the eyes made their way into the briefing room, the alien jutting out of the rock shared a few quick words with the brawny ogre-y guy and shimmied his way through the door, tilting his base at an angle to work his way into the briefing room. I will never get these names right, said Jen. She counted one two three four five six seven which meant that one was still missing, and that this show was guaranteed never to hit the road, ever.
Jen was wrong. As soon as Low-Res dragged his rocky ass into the room, the monitor brrrrzt'd on again and a rather tired-looking eye swept over the battlers.
"GOOD EVENING TROUBLESHOOTER-FUCK. MAYBE IT'S THE POOR DEPTH PERCEPTION THAT COMES WITH BEING ONLY ONE EYE, BUT I'M ONLY COUNTING SEVEN TROUBLESHOOTERS WHEN I SPECIFICALLY INSTRUCTED THAT THERE BE EIGHT PRESENT!"
"I have with me part of the eighth, if that will suffice," said Arkal, holding up the fragment of the Ovoid "I believe that it is watching us through this."
"PART OF IT," sighed Friend Computer. "WELL THAT IS JUST FIVE KINDS OF HELPFUL. ALRIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH. EVERYONE WHO IS NOT TOO FREAKISHLY MUTATED TO DO SO, TAKE A SEAT."
They sat, with various degrees of discomfort.
"ALRIGHT, TROUBLESHOOTERS AND FRAGMENTS OF TROUBLESHOOTERS ALIKE, " said Friend Computer, "YOUR MISSION TODAY IS ONE OF- VITAL IMPORTANCE? I HAVE TO, UM- WELL, THERE'S A DISTURBANCE IN ONE OF MY SERVERS AND UNFORTUNATELY IT'S LOCATED SOMEWHERE IN THE AREA THAT KNOWS WHAT AND WHERE IT IS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. WHAT FOLLOWS WON'T BE PRETTY." A sound came from the speakers like a deep breath, and suddenly the eye on the monitor seized up in pain, spouting aqueous and vitreous humor all over the monitor. "WWWWWWWWIDENTIFIED A VIRUS MOMMY IN SECTOR BSV GAAAAAAHURTS SPECIALIZED COMPUTER LABORATORY CONTAINING SEVERAL IMPORTANT SERVERS UUUUNG ISTHISWHATSEXFEELSLIKE REROUTE REROUTE howsthegrandbattlegoing SUCCESSFUL AHEM. SO YEAH. I'M RECOMMENDING THE BRUTE FORCE SOLUTION: BLOW THE SERVERS UP AND ANY USEFUL DATA I LOSE, WORST CASE SCENARIO, MIGHT JUST LEAVE A COUPLE THOUSAND CLONES TO ASPHYXIATE IN THEIR PODS. WE UM I BELIEVE THIS TO BE THE WORK OF A NEW FINCHSPARROWBLACKBIRD IGNORE THAT A NEW SECRET SOCIETY THAT HAS EMERGED CALLED "YES VERSES BORE" AND I CAN'T TELL YOU ANYTHING ABOUT THEM EXCEPT THAT THEIR NAME IS SILLY, HONESTLY, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN. DOES THAT ALL MAKE SENSE TO YOU?" Kracht and Xadrez nodded. "GREAT! NOW FOR THE FUN PART. ASSIGNING MANDATORY BONUS DUTIES. ISN'T THAT FUN? IT'S SO FUN. AHEM. CLONE WEO!"
"Yes?"
"CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE TEAM LEADER. DON'T FUCK IT UP."
"I shan't."
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT. CLONE KRACHT, YOU'RE RECORDING OFFICER."
"Uh-huh. I already have several recordings of this mission stored in my memory. They are..." Kracht glanced over at Jen and Maxwell for a moment. "-Mostly accurate."
"I ADMIRE YOUR INITIATIVE. I THINK. BUT YEAH, WE'LL BE GIVING YOU A CAMERA."
"Whatever you say."
"OH, COME ON, DON'T BE SO DOWN ABOUT THE MOUTH. OOH, THAT'S A NICE SEGUE TO CLONE JEN, YOU ARE HAPPINESS OFFICER!"
"Happiness officer."
"HAPPINESS OFFICER."
"Happiness officer?"
"YES. CLONE MAXWELL. YOU ARE LOYALTY OFFICER."
Maxwell considered this. "Great. So I'm in charge of- loyalty?"
"HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HAWHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD THAT MEAN? I SHOULD ZAP YOU WHERE YOU STAND FOR SUCH FLIPPANCY."
"Why are we listening to this automaton anyway? This is making me both angry and hungry."
"Now now, wormy thing," interjected Jen. "As happiness officer, I'm finding your attitude right now to be highly detrimental to the happiness of the group as a whole."
"You think you're funny, but you're not."
"Excuse me, lass," murmured Arkal, leaning his enormous chin in Jen's direction. "Are you- talking to the worm?"
"Yeah, why, can't you?"
"HEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHEY WHO IS TALKING HERE? CORRECT ANSWER: I AM TALKING. INCORRECT ANSWER: YOU ARE TALKING. EVERYONE RECEIVES A FAILING GRADE, EXCEPT ME. MAYBE I SHOULD ELECT A SHUTTING-THE-HELL-UP OFFICER. BUT NO, NO, I JEST. CLONE KELETH, YOU'RE HYGIENE OFFICER."
"What officer now?"
"CLONE JEN, HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN HEAR THE WORM SO WELL WHEN IT IS TALKING BUT WHEN I AM TALKING YOU ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME TO REPEAT MYSELF? ANSWER: I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T LIKE YOU. NOW SHUT UP. KELETH, ACCEPT YOUR POSITION QUICKLY NOW."
"I accept my position."
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT! CLONE ARKAL, THAT LEAVES YOU TO BE EQUIPMENT GUY."
"But of course."
"THAT TAKES CARE OF IT. NO JOBS FOR FRAGMENTS, OF COURSE, AND CLONE XADREZ, I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE AND PLAY CHESSLIKE AGAINST ME. THE GAME WILL PREVENT ACCIDENTS BY HELPING ME TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THETHETHETHETHETHETHETHE"
I can spare a moment for a game, said Xadrez.
"GREAT! OFF TO R&D, THE REST OF YOU." As the other troubleshooters wandered out of the room, Friend Computer's eye was replaced by an elaborate three-dimensional board resembling a map of Alpha Complex. "OKAY, I WILL BE FRIEND COMPUTER AND YOU WILL BE THE COMMUNIST MENACES. FRIEND COMPUTER ALWAYS GOES FIRST!" Friend Computer took a few seconds to think, then: "MY MOVE IS AS FOLLOWS: RED TEAM LEADER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED HYGIENE OFFICER TO TEAM LEADER KIN/ORANGE LOYALTY OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED HAPPINESS OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED EQUIPMENT GUY TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/RED COMMUNICATIONS AND RECORDING OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR KIN/CCCP CRUSADE TO SECTOR GSP/YELLOW TEAM LEADER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/ORANGE EQUIPMENT GUY TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED HAPPINESS OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED COMMUNICATIONS AND RECORDING OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED HYGIENE OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN/RED LOYALTY OFFICER TO BRIEFING ROOM SECTOR AWN. YOUR MOVE."
Xadres watched the colored lights flash across the screen and took about six seconds to plan his response. Orange pamphleteer to press center sector MAO, Ultraviolet Premieress to computer lab sector LNN, Red Guard to cover all major points of access, proletariat revolution in sector XAD, proletariat revolution in sector REZ, proletariat revolution in sector WIN. Mate in six and I would like to rejoin the rest of the group now.
"WHAT? NO. I, UH- I CASTLE."
That's mate in two now. I should very much like to catch up to my fellow troubleshooters.
The chessboard disappeared and was replaced once more with Friend Computer's eye. "FINE," it said. "BUT YOU KNOW THIS GAME ISN'T FAIR."
Xadrez nodded as he glid over to the door. Yes, he confirmed. Played well, the communists always win.
YES," groaned Friend Computer. "THE COMMUNISTS ALWAYS WIN."