Re: Mini-Grand 5104 (Final Round: The Treasury)
09-28-2011, 09:39 PM
Originally posted on MSPA by Lord Paradise.
"I guess this is what happens when you hang around with treasures and prisoners all your life, outside of your mother's arms," chided Fiona. "I would have made sure you were introduced to boys in a proper manner. Supervised dates. Oral examinations on the contents of Madame Dextrousse's Fifty-One Elementary Hand-Holds, in Order of Lasciviousness. Then, when you're sixteen years old, we would have a conversation about reaching into the evolutionary aether to produce chinchillas, and when you're twenty-one, we could have... a different conversation. That one's still coming up. Boy, can you, I don't know, make these bugs go away?"
"I don't know, I think it's only a one-way thing. Let me try." Hector concentrated. Nothing happened. "Huh," he mused, then shrugged and turned back to Fiona. "So these are 'Bugs?'"
At the word "Bugs," the thousands of bugs crawling all over the Vault turned to face him, standing at attention. "Huh," Hector repeated. Apparently knowing the names helped. "Bugs, go away."
All but about twelve of the bugs vanished.* Hector seemed pleased with himself. Anarchy Alpha gleefully stomped on those remaining.**
Fiona sighed. ”Well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done,” she said, grabbing Helen with one arm and Hector with the other. ”Ripper, you’re a captain, would you do the honors?”
The pirate looked almost as confused as Hector was. It was Helen who broke the silence. ”Mom, what are you—“
”I think I’ve an idea,” interjected the pirate. ”And it’s not happenin’. The only home yer daughter’s ever buildin’ is in my Endorphic Core!”
”Oh, give me that, you silly little man,” Helen ripped the Core in question from out of Ripper’s hands, tucking it under one arm. ”You’ll have it back when you do what my mother says and let up all this nonsense about converting me into power.”
Ripper looked around the room. Helen was not happy with her. Fiona was not happy with her. Hector seemed indifferent. The chinchilla especially did not look happy with her. She sighed. ”Oh, alright. Though I’m not a holy man… and that’s true in more ways than one.” Winking behind her mask, Ripper took Helen and Hector’s hands. ”Let’s make an honest pair out of ye, and no turning back, now.”
Hector snapped to attention. “Wait, you don’t mean—“
”Hector, do you take Helen to be yer lawfully wedded wife?”
Hector looked at the pirate and at the girl and at the mother and at the chinchilla who apparently was their baby and back at the girl. “I do,” he said.
”Helen, do you take Hector to be yer lawfully wedded husband?”
A single tear was rolling down Helen’s cheek. ”I do.”
”Well then. I s’pose in the absence of prepared vows I ought to say somethin’.” Ripper took a moment to collect her thoughts. ”Ahem. With this marriage, y’are to be each other’s greatest treasures. Sail one another through stormy seas, and uh, stick t’yer proscribed gender roles, and… in sickness or in health, ‘til death do ye part. There. D’we have a ring?”
Hector reached into a pocket and pulled out a tiny, wriggling snake, curled into a ring as it constantly devoured its own tail. He had a brief flashback of Jastra Juggs, and made an earnest attempt to put the past behind him, to mixed results. He held the ring up to Ripper, who appraised it greedily. “Will this do?”
”Hmm. I would have preferred gold, but ‘tis for the lady’s hand, not my coinpurse.”
Hector shrugged and presented the ring to Helen, sliding it onto her finger. ”’Tis done,” declared the pirate. ”Kiss ‘er an’ be done with it.”
Anarchy Alpha broke into manly, manly sobs.
When the kiss broke, Fiona and the chinchilla rushed to embrace the newlyweds. Helen was crying, and the Endorphic Core was crackling. ”I’m sorry,” she choked, caressing Hector’s cheek. ”I just… I never thought I could experience so much… so much joy… so much… POWER.”
There was a burst of searing golden light.
*Sammy Therion, the lives he'd absorbed suddenly becoming immaterial, had a metabolic crisis and flopped onto the ground, his heart exploded. Nobody noticed.
**At which point they reverted into the gooey corpse of Pha. Nobody noticed.
"I guess this is what happens when you hang around with treasures and prisoners all your life, outside of your mother's arms," chided Fiona. "I would have made sure you were introduced to boys in a proper manner. Supervised dates. Oral examinations on the contents of Madame Dextrousse's Fifty-One Elementary Hand-Holds, in Order of Lasciviousness. Then, when you're sixteen years old, we would have a conversation about reaching into the evolutionary aether to produce chinchillas, and when you're twenty-one, we could have... a different conversation. That one's still coming up. Boy, can you, I don't know, make these bugs go away?"
"I don't know, I think it's only a one-way thing. Let me try." Hector concentrated. Nothing happened. "Huh," he mused, then shrugged and turned back to Fiona. "So these are 'Bugs?'"
At the word "Bugs," the thousands of bugs crawling all over the Vault turned to face him, standing at attention. "Huh," Hector repeated. Apparently knowing the names helped. "Bugs, go away."
All but about twelve of the bugs vanished.* Hector seemed pleased with himself. Anarchy Alpha gleefully stomped on those remaining.**
Fiona sighed. ”Well, I suppose there’s nothing to be done,” she said, grabbing Helen with one arm and Hector with the other. ”Ripper, you’re a captain, would you do the honors?”
The pirate looked almost as confused as Hector was. It was Helen who broke the silence. ”Mom, what are you—“
”I think I’ve an idea,” interjected the pirate. ”And it’s not happenin’. The only home yer daughter’s ever buildin’ is in my Endorphic Core!”
”Oh, give me that, you silly little man,” Helen ripped the Core in question from out of Ripper’s hands, tucking it under one arm. ”You’ll have it back when you do what my mother says and let up all this nonsense about converting me into power.”
Ripper looked around the room. Helen was not happy with her. Fiona was not happy with her. Hector seemed indifferent. The chinchilla especially did not look happy with her. She sighed. ”Oh, alright. Though I’m not a holy man… and that’s true in more ways than one.” Winking behind her mask, Ripper took Helen and Hector’s hands. ”Let’s make an honest pair out of ye, and no turning back, now.”
Hector snapped to attention. “Wait, you don’t mean—“
”Hector, do you take Helen to be yer lawfully wedded wife?”
Hector looked at the pirate and at the girl and at the mother and at the chinchilla who apparently was their baby and back at the girl. “I do,” he said.
”Helen, do you take Hector to be yer lawfully wedded husband?”
A single tear was rolling down Helen’s cheek. ”I do.”
”Well then. I s’pose in the absence of prepared vows I ought to say somethin’.” Ripper took a moment to collect her thoughts. ”Ahem. With this marriage, y’are to be each other’s greatest treasures. Sail one another through stormy seas, and uh, stick t’yer proscribed gender roles, and… in sickness or in health, ‘til death do ye part. There. D’we have a ring?”
Hector reached into a pocket and pulled out a tiny, wriggling snake, curled into a ring as it constantly devoured its own tail. He had a brief flashback of Jastra Juggs, and made an earnest attempt to put the past behind him, to mixed results. He held the ring up to Ripper, who appraised it greedily. “Will this do?”
”Hmm. I would have preferred gold, but ‘tis for the lady’s hand, not my coinpurse.”
Hector shrugged and presented the ring to Helen, sliding it onto her finger. ”’Tis done,” declared the pirate. ”Kiss ‘er an’ be done with it.”
Anarchy Alpha broke into manly, manly sobs.
When the kiss broke, Fiona and the chinchilla rushed to embrace the newlyweds. Helen was crying, and the Endorphic Core was crackling. ”I’m sorry,” she choked, caressing Hector’s cheek. ”I just… I never thought I could experience so much… so much joy… so much… POWER.”
There was a burst of searing golden light.
*Sammy Therion, the lives he'd absorbed suddenly becoming immaterial, had a metabolic crisis and flopped onto the ground, his heart exploded. Nobody noticed.
**At which point they reverted into the gooey corpse of Pha. Nobody noticed.