Petty Squabble [ROUND 3] [Goldhenge]

Petty Squabble [ROUND 3] [Goldhenge]
Re: Petty Squabble [ROUND 2] [Acidity City]
Originally posted on MSPA by Lord Paradise.

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In the beginning there was the Heavens and the Earth.

In those days Chaos ruled the Earth and Order ruled the Heavens. Chaos bet the Earth against the Heavens on a single die roll, whereby He would take Odds and Order Evens. Order crunched the numbers and determined that a hig-risk venture was in the cards. The die came up a five. And thenceforth Chaos ruled the Heavens and the Earth.

The effects were felt all over. Abstract, immortal things decayed into the concrete and fallible. Radiant, immaculate Creation turned to smelly, painful Fertility. Self flipped on its axis and became Mirror. Time and Truth, feeling themselves becoming indistinct under the reign of Chaos, adapted through codification, becoming Calendar and Name. Even Chaos itself took on the name of Dice, its weapon of choice.

Order did its best to manage things. The stress took its toll.


Sometimes I try to do things
But it just doesn’t work out the way I want it to
I get real frustrated and try hard to do it and I take my time
And it doesn’t work out the way I want it to


Everyone piled into the RV. “I rearranged some of your furnishings,” Management explained to Clarice. “Saved you some space.”

“You duct-taped our couch cushions to the ceiling,” Clarice replied, emptily. Emma gurgled.

“I also acid-proofed the exterior and filled up the tank. You’re welcome.”


”We are... honored to receive and to serve you, my lord,” announced Parsley, looking carefully through his shard of mirror.

“So, Psychologically Fragile Ruin of an Old Order,” said Name. “How’ve your past milennia been?”

It’s like I concentrate real hard but it just doesn’t work out
And everything I do and everything I try it never turns out
It’s like, I need time to figure these things out but there’s always someone there going


“I was torn apart atom by atom,” answered Management. “My consciousness was strewn across the river. I was conscious only of pain. It was an educational experience.” The god slammed on the brake and threw the RV into a dangerous-looking right turn.


”Where are we going?” asked Tom.

“I’m reacquainting myself with the office.”

“It’s a city, Manny,” corrected Fertility. “Not an office.”

“Semantics!” Slam. Screeeeech. Vroom. “I’ve never driven an R.V. before. I feel powerful.”


”Question 51: What is the utility of our present course of action?”

”Aha! Now you’re asking the right question!”

Six glared.

”Hey Song, you know we’ve been noticing you’ve been having a lot of problems lately You know you need to maybe get away and like maybe you should talk about it
you’ll feel a lot better and I’m like”


“Ahem. This new, apocalyptic eon requires new modes of thinking. During my recent unpaid retreat in a sustained state of immortal near-death, I learned new techniques for... for effective utilization of resources... One of our resources is missing a component.”


”My daughter,” said Clarice.

“Suboptimal weather conditions,” continued Management, slamming on the accelerator, “Make it imperative to account for our entire inventory.”


”What are we doing, eighty?” asked Tom. ”Are we doing eighty uphill? He pulled himself up to the passenger’s seat. ”What did you do to my RV?”

“Like I told you!” cackled Management. “I filled up the tank! Here we are!”

The god hit the brakes again and spun the wheel, doing a couple ill-advised donuts before settling to a stop by a doorway where Alison Broderburg was sitting, bored, playing with her phone.

Tom grabbed the door-umbrella and ran out into the rain.
“Alison!” he called. “Come on in! You have to see what this guy did to the RV!”

”Dad!” The Broderburg firstborn threw her arms around her father. ”Dad, I think I did something bad.”

”Don’t worry,” consoled Tom. ”I don’t think your mom will be too hard on you for running off like that.”

”Yeeeeeeeeah.” Alison ran into the RV, content to leave it at that for the time being.

”Oh, nah it’s okay you know I’ll figure it out just leave me alone
I’ll figure it out you know and they go”


“Alison Sarah Broderburg!” shouted Clarice. “Where have you been?”


”Question 52!” agreed Six. [background=black]”Where have you been?”

”She’s probably been at the mall buying girl clothes,” suggested Ethan.

Alison shrugged.
“I’ve been, you know, around,” she offered.


”CORRECT.”

”Well you know if you wanna talk about it I’ll be here
You know and you’ll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it
So why don’t you talk about it
I go”


Tom turned to Management, who was already revving up the RV again.
”I’d like to thank you for helping reunite our family,” he said warmly.

“Yes, well,” replied Management. “It wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice if we didn’t have the full set, would it?”

Tom and Clarice exchanged a glance.

”No I don’t want to I’m okay I’ll figure it out myself
But they just keep bugging me and bugging me and it builds up inside!”


“This is what this city has been missing in my absence,” continued Management. “Attention to detail.”


In the middle the heavens were abandoned and, for the most part, there was the Earth.

In those days Dice ruled, but he was an indolent order and allowed Management to handle most of the logistics from him. The Earth was operating at a deficit, which was called “entropy,” although Management discouraged the use of that term in the paperwork as he rejected the notion that it was an immutable law. Dice’s official policy was that this deficit be considered a desirable model for the Earth going forward, though Management fought this policy wherever he was given leeway. After some time passed and it became clear to Management that unsustainable use of the Earth would lead to a highly undesirable apocalypse, and he decided that a change of leadership was in order. There came a great war, during which Management found and exploited a Loophole, chained Dice, and took control. In this he was supported by most of the gods.

Under the reign of Management the Earth began operating at a profit, and chaos devolved into order. This was highly unusual and disconcerting for everybody.


I was in my room and I was just staring at the wall
Thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn’t even know she was there
She called my name and I didn’t even hear her and then she started screaming”


”Um, no one’s sacrificing me to anything, okay?” said Alison. ”I mean, I respect that you fixed up the RV or whatever but that’s not going to happen.”

”I agree with Fortu—with her,” said Name, giving Alison an odd glance. “Management, we had a perfectly good plan before you crawled out of the river and hijacked it all.”

”All due respect, aren’t you already a god? pointed out Clarice. ”What is there to sacrifice to?”

”Song Song and I go what what’s the matter she goes
what’s the matter with you I go there’s nothing wrong mom she’s all don’t tell me that
You’re on drugs I go no mom I’m not on drugs I’m okay I’m just thinking you know
Why don’t you get me a Pepsi she goes”


“To Dice, of course! Sacrifice can be a powerful asset. You sacrificed your RV to me—which is mine now, by the way—and look at all the good it did you!”

“What do you mean, yours?” demanded Tom.

“Manny,” chided Fertility. “We had a good plan in place for averting the apocalypse. If you don’t want to help with that, that’s fine, but you don’t think there’s something a bit... regressive about sacrificing the family to supplicate Dice?”

“This world is a liability now,” countered Management, “So I’m focusing on my assets!”


”My children are not your assets!” shouted Clarice. ”Will someone stop this car?”


”’Sacrifice’ is where he eats our hearts and stuff, right?” asked Ethan cheerfully.

“Not necessarily,” said Fertility. “Anyway, that’s not going to happen, so don’t you worry your adorable little head about it, okay?"


<span style="background-color:black;">”’Sacrificing’ the babababababy is not an acceptable course of action and shall be considered grounds for elimination.”


”I’ll have to agree with Sir Archibald,” concurred Parsley. ”This thrice-damned demon’s robbed ye of yer wits.”

No you’re on drugs I go mom I’m okay I’m just thinking she goes
No you’re not thinking you’re on drugs normal people don’t act in that way I go
Mom just give me a Pepsi please all I want is a Pepsi and she wouldn’t give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi just one Pepsi and she wouldn’t give it to me just a Pepsi!


”Your complaints are noted,” answered Management, “But I’m the one driving the RV here, and I decide the destination. Behold!”

The mad god jerked the steering wheel and the RV turned upwards, rocketing into the sky. As his passengers fell helplessly to the back, scrambling to hold on to their crossbows and robes and infant children, they saw through the windshield a cube-shaped temple floating in the sky in the eye of the storm. It had not been there before, and it eclipsed the sun.


In the end there was the Earth, short a law of thermodynamics or two.

Nothing changed. Acid flowed downhill for a while, then flowed back up for a while. Turnover was low, wages were stagnant. The Earth operated at a surplus. Of all who inhabited it, only Management was content.

However, it wasn’t enough. Management, God among Gods, saw room to diversify. So he entered a Contract with something
more than a God. So it was arranged that one day, the Earth would be leased to a number of strange and foreign beings who would change everything, for good or ill.

Nobody knows what Management got out on the deal, because he never had time to collect. When Calendar felt the future turned upside-down, he alerted the others, and the entire Pantheon (save Dice, who remained firmly weighted in a forgotten place) banded together and tossed him in the river.

As far as the Charlatan was concerned, the deal was done.


I’m sitting in my room when my mom and dad come in
They pulled up a chair and they sat down they go
Song we need to talk to you and I go
Okay what’s the problem they go


It was Six who caught Emma, gently, tenderly.

Everyone but Ethan fell together in a painful heap. The middle Broderburg child stayed holding on to the sink faucet, and, improbably, seemed to be climbing up the vertical surfaces of the RV, slowly, an inch at a time. He was laughing.

Everyone else found themselves speechless, except, of course, Song.

”Me and your mom we’ve noticed
That lately you’ve been having a lot of problems
And you’ve been going off for no reason
And we’re afraid that you’re going to hurt somebody
And we’re afraid that you’re going to hurt yourself”


Management continued driving upwards through the clouds of acid rain, windshield wipers clumsily attempting to wipe the green glowing precipitation off the glass. A box of cereal flew out of a cupboard and narrowly missed Ethan’s face. Tom, attempting to rise to his feet, got a faceful of cereal; Clarice, attempting to crawl over to her daughter, got a handful of Fertility. Parsley was confused.

The radio blared to life.
ATTENTION MANAGEMENT, it declared. THIS IS COFCA. PULL THE VEHICLE OVER. WE HAVE MUCH TO OFFER EACH OTHER.

Ethan jumped and grabbed onto the back of the driver’s seat. ”Hey bad guy,” he shouted over the noise. ”When we beat you, will the camper still have flying powers?”

”There’s no use in planning for impossibilities, child,” replied Management. “But yes.”

”Awesome!” Ethan found a purchase with his legs and slapped his hands over the god’s eyes. ”Betcha can’t fly with your eyes closed!”

”Foolish boy! We’re already here!” Management was not lying; the clouds cleared, and an entrance in the side of the floating Dice-temple rose into view.

Without the use of his eyes, of course, Management missed that entrance entirely.

”So we decided that it would be in your best interest
If we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need and I go
Wait what are you talking about
<i>We
decided
My best interest
How do you know what my best interest is”</i>

The temple wall and the windshield exploded simultaneously, sending shards of rock through Management’s head. Ethan (and everyone else, except Emma, who remained gingerly cradled in Six’s arms) fell to the floor as the RV leveled out and skidded to a halt at the edge of an acid pool.

Management pulled the rock out of his skull and rose to his feet, grabbing Ethan by the wrist. “This world is dissolving,” he explained, kicking open the door of the RV and wandering out onto the floor of the floating temple. “Luckily, I’ve arranged for something of a golden parachute for myself.”

He held Ethan over the edge of the pit.

“Wait!”

Management turned his head. Alison was climbing out of the RV. “Sacrifice me first instead,” she said. “I’m the firstborn or whatever.”

Management shrugged. “I like your attitude, young lady.” He tossed Ethan aside. “Come along now, no funny business, let’s get this over with.”

Alison shrugged and walked over to the edge of the pit. “Will it hurt?” she asked.

“Well, yes,” said Management. “But at least you’ll die after only a minute or so. I was in there for an eternity.”

”What are you trying to say I’m crazy
When I went to your schools
I went to your churches
I went to your institutional learning facilities
So how can you say I’m crazy!?”


Management grabbed Alison by the hair and pushed her into the acid.


And then a robot flew through the wall, picked Alison up, set her down on the floor, punched Management unconscious, threw the god over its shoulder, and flew away.

Everyone else began filtering out of the RV all at once. “Well, that was a lucky break,” said Name cheerily.

“Yeah,” said Alison, staring pensively into the acid. “Lucky.”

Clarice looked at Six and held her arms out expectantly. The robot looked at Clarice, then at Emma, then back at Clarice, then handed the baby over.


”Is she alright?” asked Tom, rushing over to examine his daughter.

”Fast asleep,” answered Clarice. ”Which is strange. It’s feeding time for her.”

”Well, she’s had a busy day,” interjected Fertility nervously. “Anyway, we should get out of here before--”</span>

BEFORE WHAT


”—Before Dice notices we’re here.”

OH, BEFORE I NOTICE YOU’RE HERE?

WELL, BAD NEWS ON THAT FRONT


From all around the temple there came a distinctly evil laugh.
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Messages In This Thread
Re: Petty Squabble [ROUND 2] [Acidity City] - by Elpie - 09-07-2012, 05:18 PM