Re: btp and the means of production
12-23-2011, 08:40 AM
So I have not done any christmas shopping. This is probably a bad thing, but I'm hoping the magic of 24 hour stores, gift cards, and electronic gifts will save me at the last minute.
That is probably not relevant to anything else. but hey there you go.
My job-hunt has come to a brief halt. I had an interview but then it was cancelled so that put me in a bit of a funk. I plan to get it going again after the holiday.
Actually there are a lot of things that I'm planning on doing "after the holiday", doctor's appointments (because I work for a hospital I guess I have insurance that is not terrible? It isn't great either, just average, and I don't have a lot of choices in where I go but whatever.), new years resolutions, habit changes and relationship building. Lots of things that I've just put on hold this week.
I realized something recently about making life changes. Things around you have to change.
okay that sounds stupid. Here's where I'm coming from.
I'm going to be 25 next year. Now I didn't really think about it too much until I heard someone mention recently: "Your impulse centers aren't fully developed until 25". I've heard variations on this statistic before. The age is different and the study it's based on changes, and it is most often used in the context of adults addressing or accusing younger adults of immaturity.
Like "oh you're gonna make bad choices because you aren't physically grown yet."
But for whatever reason the context behind hearing this psuedo-statistic this time was slightly different, and I was pretty terrified: "oh gosh. I'm almost 25. That means my impulse centers are almost fully developed. What does that mean for me?"
What it means, well more aptly what it could mean (and what scares me), is that, potentially, once my brain hits that plateau of development, I'm stuck with who I am.
There are many, many things about who I am right now that I do not like. I think this is probably true for everyone. I always figured, however, that I can improve and change and grow out of whatever faults I see in myself.
Now, suddenly, it is CRUNCH TIME to change. If I don't become a better me by next October I will be locked into a mindset of "almost accomplished" and "half-hearted efforts" and "quickly distracted" and "self conceited" and "LAZY" for the rest of my life. I have to hurry and change AS FAST AS POSSIBLE to get myself to a point where I can look and say "Yes this is who I am and I'm okay with that."
Except that's stupid. I'm not going to suddenly lock into a certain persona (though personal change may become more difficult - I'm still unsure of this). Tossing my current life to the wind is reckless and foolish, and I will always have personal faults that I need to accept and be okay with myself.
But either way, I still want to improve in some fashion, and I have a recently acquired and psuedo-science filled reason to do so.
Again, regardless of all that, it got me thinking.
For the longest time
oh hang on girlfriend is calling me
okay that was nice. We had a reasonable adult deathmatch conversation centered around my lack of christmas doings. So it was relevant after all!
I have completely lost track, now I have to re-read things.
Okay, so when faced with the prospect of change, I'm realizing there is a lot of negatives that you have to go through to get to the positive.
For example this job. When I first started I literally had to hide in the equipment room and freak out saying "I can't do this I can't do this job I have to quit I have to go back."
I was terrified of people. Not simply people, but being close and interacting with people on an extremely personal level. How do you just go and FEED another thinking adult human being? How do you know what is the right thing to do? I had trained as an EMT so I was ready for the EMERGENCY aspect of things, but in the day to day the SOCIAL aspect becomes so much more important. How do I talk to these people? How should I approach them?
What kept me going was that I knew I needed this experience and couldn't give it up, and the thought that "if these other people can do this, then so can I."
But really I was very uncomfortable.
My first day I had to feed this elderly man. Now this guy was in charge of his mental faculties, but he was sick and couldn't move his arms or talk very much. He was also a very gruff man. During the entire time (30-40 minutes) I was there to feed him, he only said two things.
"Where is my damn wife!?"
and
"Don't be so nervous."
Apparently I was so uncomfortable that this invalid man who could barely make the effort to speak needed to calm me down. I chuckled at that (its amazing how helpful a laugh can be) and kept feeding him.
Of course I was still really uncomfortable. I didn't think about it at the time, but for that half-hour+ I was sitting parallel to the guy I was feeding, but turning my neck to face him. I was completely rigid. I did not move from that position for a long time and well, when I left work that day my neck ached so badly that it hurt to move my head at all.
Like I wasn't sure I would have been able to drive home. It hurt to look each way for traffic. I guess that's what a "crick in the neck" is supposed to be.
Anyway, I'm nothing like that now. I can feed patients like its no big deal, and it really only took a month to get to that point. Its a very recent and rewarding personal image of how I've managed to change for the better.
And I wouldn't have done it without going through several really crappy days. "Rejoice in your sufferings" I guess.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I mean it does but only so much as I am speaking to myself. It just happens to be on my mind and I guess its a way for me to psyche myself up and get me going. I'm trying to learn to stop caring as much about what other people think but that sounds terrible and out of context and I probably won't talk about that for a while.
The jist of this is, I think, that if I want to change or improve for the better I have to be willing to put myself through some crappy situations. And I have to have the motivation to stay in those situations when they are at their crappiest. I may have to change my external situation to keep me in a place where I can grow. I can't just keep things around me the same. Otherwise I'm just running in circles.
That is probably not relevant to anything else. but hey there you go.
My job-hunt has come to a brief halt. I had an interview but then it was cancelled so that put me in a bit of a funk. I plan to get it going again after the holiday.
Actually there are a lot of things that I'm planning on doing "after the holiday", doctor's appointments (because I work for a hospital I guess I have insurance that is not terrible? It isn't great either, just average, and I don't have a lot of choices in where I go but whatever.), new years resolutions, habit changes and relationship building. Lots of things that I've just put on hold this week.
I realized something recently about making life changes. Things around you have to change.
okay that sounds stupid. Here's where I'm coming from.
I'm going to be 25 next year. Now I didn't really think about it too much until I heard someone mention recently: "Your impulse centers aren't fully developed until 25". I've heard variations on this statistic before. The age is different and the study it's based on changes, and it is most often used in the context of adults addressing or accusing younger adults of immaturity.
Like "oh you're gonna make bad choices because you aren't physically grown yet."
But for whatever reason the context behind hearing this psuedo-statistic this time was slightly different, and I was pretty terrified: "oh gosh. I'm almost 25. That means my impulse centers are almost fully developed. What does that mean for me?"
What it means, well more aptly what it could mean (and what scares me), is that, potentially, once my brain hits that plateau of development, I'm stuck with who I am.
There are many, many things about who I am right now that I do not like. I think this is probably true for everyone. I always figured, however, that I can improve and change and grow out of whatever faults I see in myself.
Now, suddenly, it is CRUNCH TIME to change. If I don't become a better me by next October I will be locked into a mindset of "almost accomplished" and "half-hearted efforts" and "quickly distracted" and "self conceited" and "LAZY" for the rest of my life. I have to hurry and change AS FAST AS POSSIBLE to get myself to a point where I can look and say "Yes this is who I am and I'm okay with that."
Except that's stupid. I'm not going to suddenly lock into a certain persona (though personal change may become more difficult - I'm still unsure of this). Tossing my current life to the wind is reckless and foolish, and I will always have personal faults that I need to accept and be okay with myself.
But either way, I still want to improve in some fashion, and I have a recently acquired and psuedo-science filled reason to do so.
Again, regardless of all that, it got me thinking.
For the longest time
oh hang on girlfriend is calling me
okay that was nice. We had a reasonable adult deathmatch conversation centered around my lack of christmas doings. So it was relevant after all!
I have completely lost track, now I have to re-read things.
Okay, so when faced with the prospect of change, I'm realizing there is a lot of negatives that you have to go through to get to the positive.
For example this job. When I first started I literally had to hide in the equipment room and freak out saying "I can't do this I can't do this job I have to quit I have to go back."
I was terrified of people. Not simply people, but being close and interacting with people on an extremely personal level. How do you just go and FEED another thinking adult human being? How do you know what is the right thing to do? I had trained as an EMT so I was ready for the EMERGENCY aspect of things, but in the day to day the SOCIAL aspect becomes so much more important. How do I talk to these people? How should I approach them?
What kept me going was that I knew I needed this experience and couldn't give it up, and the thought that "if these other people can do this, then so can I."
But really I was very uncomfortable.
My first day I had to feed this elderly man. Now this guy was in charge of his mental faculties, but he was sick and couldn't move his arms or talk very much. He was also a very gruff man. During the entire time (30-40 minutes) I was there to feed him, he only said two things.
"Where is my damn wife!?"
and
"Don't be so nervous."
Apparently I was so uncomfortable that this invalid man who could barely make the effort to speak needed to calm me down. I chuckled at that (its amazing how helpful a laugh can be) and kept feeding him.
Of course I was still really uncomfortable. I didn't think about it at the time, but for that half-hour+ I was sitting parallel to the guy I was feeding, but turning my neck to face him. I was completely rigid. I did not move from that position for a long time and well, when I left work that day my neck ached so badly that it hurt to move my head at all.
Like I wasn't sure I would have been able to drive home. It hurt to look each way for traffic. I guess that's what a "crick in the neck" is supposed to be.
Anyway, I'm nothing like that now. I can feed patients like its no big deal, and it really only took a month to get to that point. Its a very recent and rewarding personal image of how I've managed to change for the better.
And I wouldn't have done it without going through several really crappy days. "Rejoice in your sufferings" I guess.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I mean it does but only so much as I am speaking to myself. It just happens to be on my mind and I guess its a way for me to psyche myself up and get me going. I'm trying to learn to stop caring as much about what other people think but that sounds terrible and out of context and I probably won't talk about that for a while.
The jist of this is, I think, that if I want to change or improve for the better I have to be willing to put myself through some crappy situations. And I have to have the motivation to stay in those situations when they are at their crappiest. I may have to change my external situation to keep me in a place where I can grow. I can't just keep things around me the same. Otherwise I'm just running in circles.