In which Woff admits.

I am not a very kind person

I'm writing this right after another quarrel with my mom, who is insisting that I don't spend enough time on schoolwork and too much of it online. The usual. Since it's the holidays, she figured she'd throw in the extra special offer of saying that she didn't want my gift and that "[I] can put it up [my] ass for all [she cares]"

I have been looking forward to Christmas since October and she broke it in one go.

I guess you need a little bit of background to understand why christmas is so important to me: First off, my parents are divorced. While on paper they went apart on good terms and mutually, dad still harbors there petty little hate crimes from time to time which include among others
- refusing to update the index alimony, saying that's my mom's job even though he insisted on getting all the paperwork himsef
- demanding that my mother give back all parts of the alimony during which we are at my dad's (which is bullshit because that money goes into clothes/books/leisure/other stuff I need all of which I have to bring from school
- insisting that my mother brings us to his house which is an hour's drive away on friday, after ten years of not making a deal out of it
and many more bullshit parlor tricks to basically cut all optional effort he has to put into us.

Mom recently retired due to 4 hernias in her neck. She is pending a retiree funding, but as for now she has to withdraw cash from her savings account each month because she gets zilch. It's been a bumpy ride of uncertainty and procedures and tricky relationships with her colleagues and boss, all to finally hear that there's no way to deal with it and she'll ahve to start coping with the pain and look into retiring early. Not very fun to hear as a single mom with no one but a finnicky boyfriend to back her up who leaves her the moment he can't get along with me anymore.

Christmas is the one time of the year where we would get a fake christmas tree and hang some of three years' passed decorations in it and buy each other ten-dollar gifts and be happy with what we have.

and she RUINED it by dragging it through the dirt along with basically everything I do.

You all know me, I won't stand for that. I went downstairs and basically threw the gift at her. Translated, I said "I was gonna make a touching fucking diary for you with these little *clink* bloody *clank* picture frames of the family so you could finally write your own book which you've always wanted to do. There you go, merry fucking christmas now give it to the dog like you do with everything I own that you don't need anymore."

Maybe all the bulllshit about me got to me. I don't know, I was just so angry, but in retrospect what did I even get angry about? Mom telling me to clean my room? Her barging in on me while I'm busy with something?

I couldn't think of anything big enough that I'd risk Christmas over it, and that's sort of when it hit me.

My first thought after that was "Okay, I screwed that up and Christmas is even more fucked now, but if I give in right now it's sort of fucked and I lose this argument and probably have to clean anyways and won't get proven right, so I can't go apologise right now, I'll have to sit this out. Maybe stay silent this weekend."

That's a mean thing to think, both to my mom and Christmas.