Re: WHO ARE THE REAL MONSTERS?!?!?!??!? MAFIA D3: Nobody started the bomb
02-09-2013, 12:01 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by TehPilot.
First and foremost, I'm sorry I have not been around to write to you more. The news reports are indeed true - they found me on the moon. After my spectacular escape I crash-landed in some upcoming theme park built in what I reckon would become one hell of a tourist attraction for the biggest empty wasteland this side of our planetary orbit. I was taken into moon-custody for punitive property damage, but following a lengthy and ridiculous jailbreaking escapade I managed to return to the planet's surface.
My return wasn't without trouble, of course. I do not feel detailing my adventures here would be conducive to the readability of this letter, although there is one instance I feel is noteworthy to share. Namely, a bunch of these pointy-hatted assholes promised me eternal life if I helped them prepare soup. The fuckers lied, I was burned at the stake as a decorative entity at a wedding. At the very least, the eternal life deal did help me get out of the debacle, and the soup was really good. Some could say it's to die for.
My last revival had the nasty effect of splitting me into two beings. The logical side of me split into another being, and the more angry side of me - a manifestation of my rage - also became an individual-minded construct. For the purposes of writing this letter, I have fused my alternate halves briefly - hopefully I can write this before I am killed again.
I was told by nearby townsfolk to take a train into the city. However, due to insane PTSD brought about by locomotives, I opted to make my journey on foot. I eventually met up with a strange paranormal investigator looking for a convoy to accompany him into a mysterious and enchanting forest. Ghosts aren't real, I thought. This is a good idea, I thought. Nothing wrong with travelling with people, I thought.
I was wrong yet again. The investigator is dead and - surprise surprise! - he's a fucking ghost! And everyone becomes ghosts! And the ghost of the investigator eats the other ghosts. Now if I died here I'd truly be screwed. And I would not get the opportunity to meet you in person once again. Now, of course, let's see what else happened oh god we're splitting into TWO AGAIN
THE STRESS OF THIS IS KILLING ME
IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW DAYS AND IT'S LIKE I'M RELIVING THAT TRAINWRECK SHIT. THERE ARE THESE GUYS AND THEY HAVE A DUEL BECAUSE ONE OF THE PEOPLE I KNEW FROM THAT VERY TRAIN DECIDED TO WRECK SHIT. I SAW THEM IN THE OBSERVATION CAR PLANNING TO WRECK SHIT. AND THEY DID WRECK SHIT. I WAS CERTAIN THEY WERE UP TO SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE THOSE GUYS YELLING ABOUT MARRIAGE AND LOVE AND THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW - BAM! - THE WILHELM SCREAM ACCOMPANIES THEIR VIOLENT EXPULSION OUT OF THE TRAIN. THIS TIME THE GUYS WERE FIGHTING WITH WEIRD THINGS FROM SOME TELEVISION SHOW. I DON'T EVEN WATCH TV??? FUCK. SO YEAH IT WAS LIKE RELIVING A NIGHTMARE
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE FUCKING CIRCUS
THEY THINK WE'RE SOME FREAK OF NATURE BECAUSE WE'RE FUSED BEINGS. THEY WANT TO TAKE US INTO THE CIRCUS. BUT WE'VE SEEN THE CIRCUS AND IT'S HORRIFYING. ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE, ALL THE ELEPHANTS AND PEANUTS AND SHIT. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON CLOWNS. DEAR GOD THE CLOWNS. THERE WAS A CLOWN IN SOUPTOWN AND I DIDN'T LIKE HIM, THE BASTARD KEPT THROWING PIES AT PEOPLE!!! SO GLAD HE SUFFOCATED WHEN HE PIED HIMSELF. HAH. SOUP MAKES PEOPLE DO CRAZY SHIT DON'T IT.
BUT THIS GODDAMN CIRCUS WE KEEP TELLING IT "NO" BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK. LIKE A VAMPIRE. OR A TAX COLLECTOR. OR A GODDAMN VAMPIRE TAX COLLECTOR. YES THAT'S WHAT IT IS. A VAMPIRE TAX COLLECTOR. IT'S LIKE THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH AND TAXES COMBINED INTO AN UNHOLY COMBINATION OF HORRIFYING CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT. IT IS SINGLEHANDEDLY THE MOST HORRIFYING THING HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
AND IT'S EATING MY FRIENDS.
IT TRIED TO EAT THE PARANOID ONE. I DON'T GET HIS DEAL. ONE DAY HE'S HIGH OFF HIS ROCKER, THEN HE'S A COMPUTER, NOW HE'S YELLING LIKE A DRILL SERGEANT. YELLING IS MY GODDAMN SHTICK. I WAS YELLING BEFORE IT WAS COOL. FUCK CAPITALIST SWINE I YELL FOR THE SAKE OF YELLING.
ANYWAYS I WILL NEVER DEAL WITH THE CIRCUS AGAIN. AND I REFUSE TO DIE AS LONG AS THAT ABOMINATION STANDS. I WANT THAT TENT TO BE RIPPED UP AND MERCILESSLY FLOGGED LIKE A DEAD HORSE, AS WELL AS THE METAPHORICAL JOKE THAT CAN BE TIED TO THE MERCILESS ABUSE OF A DECEASED EQUINE BEATING.
SO I TRIED RUNNING AROUND EACH NIGHT AND IT SEEMS I KEEP INTERFERING WITH THE BUSINESS OF THE KILLERS. THE FIRST NIGHT WAS THE MURDEROUS CAFFEINATED LEAF BEVERAGE WITH THE GENERIC MALE SIR. THE MALE SIR DIED, AND I PRESUME SOMEONE TRIED TO DRINK THE LEAF DRINK. BY KILLING IT DEAD. AND THEN THE NEXT NIGHT, I DROVE THE BEAR-WRESTLING DEMON (YEAH, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS MY LIFE) WITH THE EXPLODING NUCLEAR FUCKING WEASEL.
WHAT IS LIFE.
REGARDLESS I AM TRYING TO STAY OUT OF THE HAIR OF THE INNOCENTS BUT APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT LIKED??? GUESS I HAVE TO BE MORE RATIONAL. I SWEAR IT'S THE FUCKING CIRCUS IT UNNERVES ME.
HUFF.
...okay wow that's tiring
anyways i am attempting to sort out this mess as our heads my head has been rather confounded by the circus pursuing us
anyways to summarize the current state of affairs:
MAN FUCK THE BROWN TEXT GUY. HE'S ANNOYING.
AND NOW I PLAY A ROCK SOLO.
DANANANANABANANABANANANANA BOW WOW WOW WOW WOAWW BWEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FEBRUARY 8th
Dear Mom,First and foremost, I'm sorry I have not been around to write to you more. The news reports are indeed true - they found me on the moon. After my spectacular escape I crash-landed in some upcoming theme park built in what I reckon would become one hell of a tourist attraction for the biggest empty wasteland this side of our planetary orbit. I was taken into moon-custody for punitive property damage, but following a lengthy and ridiculous jailbreaking escapade I managed to return to the planet's surface.
My return wasn't without trouble, of course. I do not feel detailing my adventures here would be conducive to the readability of this letter, although there is one instance I feel is noteworthy to share. Namely, a bunch of these pointy-hatted assholes promised me eternal life if I helped them prepare soup. The fuckers lied, I was burned at the stake as a decorative entity at a wedding. At the very least, the eternal life deal did help me get out of the debacle, and the soup was really good. Some could say it's to die for.
My last revival had the nasty effect of splitting me into two beings. The logical side of me split into another being, and the more angry side of me - a manifestation of my rage - also became an individual-minded construct. For the purposes of writing this letter, I have fused my alternate halves briefly - hopefully I can write this before I am killed again.
I was told by nearby townsfolk to take a train into the city. However, due to insane PTSD brought about by locomotives, I opted to make my journey on foot. I eventually met up with a strange paranormal investigator looking for a convoy to accompany him into a mysterious and enchanting forest. Ghosts aren't real, I thought. This is a good idea, I thought. Nothing wrong with travelling with people, I thought.
I was wrong yet again. The investigator is dead and - surprise surprise! - he's a fucking ghost! And everyone becomes ghosts! And the ghost of the investigator eats the other ghosts. Now if I died here I'd truly be screwed. And I would not get the opportunity to meet you in person once again. Now, of course, let's see what else happened oh god we're splitting into TWO AGAIN
THE STRESS OF THIS IS KILLING ME
IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW DAYS AND IT'S LIKE I'M RELIVING THAT TRAINWRECK SHIT. THERE ARE THESE GUYS AND THEY HAVE A DUEL BECAUSE ONE OF THE PEOPLE I KNEW FROM THAT VERY TRAIN DECIDED TO WRECK SHIT. I SAW THEM IN THE OBSERVATION CAR PLANNING TO WRECK SHIT. AND THEY DID WRECK SHIT. I WAS CERTAIN THEY WERE UP TO SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE THOSE GUYS YELLING ABOUT MARRIAGE AND LOVE AND THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW - BAM! - THE WILHELM SCREAM ACCOMPANIES THEIR VIOLENT EXPULSION OUT OF THE TRAIN. THIS TIME THE GUYS WERE FIGHTING WITH WEIRD THINGS FROM SOME TELEVISION SHOW. I DON'T EVEN WATCH TV??? FUCK. SO YEAH IT WAS LIKE RELIVING A NIGHTMARE
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE FUCKING CIRCUS
THEY THINK WE'RE SOME FREAK OF NATURE BECAUSE WE'RE FUSED BEINGS. THEY WANT TO TAKE US INTO THE CIRCUS. BUT WE'VE SEEN THE CIRCUS AND IT'S HORRIFYING. ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE, ALL THE ELEPHANTS AND PEANUTS AND SHIT. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON CLOWNS. DEAR GOD THE CLOWNS. THERE WAS A CLOWN IN SOUPTOWN AND I DIDN'T LIKE HIM, THE BASTARD KEPT THROWING PIES AT PEOPLE!!! SO GLAD HE SUFFOCATED WHEN HE PIED HIMSELF. HAH. SOUP MAKES PEOPLE DO CRAZY SHIT DON'T IT.
BUT THIS GODDAMN CIRCUS WE KEEP TELLING IT "NO" BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK. LIKE A VAMPIRE. OR A TAX COLLECTOR. OR A GODDAMN VAMPIRE TAX COLLECTOR. YES THAT'S WHAT IT IS. A VAMPIRE TAX COLLECTOR. IT'S LIKE THE INEVITABILITY OF DEATH AND TAXES COMBINED INTO AN UNHOLY COMBINATION OF HORRIFYING CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT. IT IS SINGLEHANDEDLY THE MOST HORRIFYING THING HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
AND IT'S EATING MY FRIENDS.
IT TRIED TO EAT THE PARANOID ONE. I DON'T GET HIS DEAL. ONE DAY HE'S HIGH OFF HIS ROCKER, THEN HE'S A COMPUTER, NOW HE'S YELLING LIKE A DRILL SERGEANT. YELLING IS MY GODDAMN SHTICK. I WAS YELLING BEFORE IT WAS COOL. FUCK CAPITALIST SWINE I YELL FOR THE SAKE OF YELLING.
ANYWAYS I WILL NEVER DEAL WITH THE CIRCUS AGAIN. AND I REFUSE TO DIE AS LONG AS THAT ABOMINATION STANDS. I WANT THAT TENT TO BE RIPPED UP AND MERCILESSLY FLOGGED LIKE A DEAD HORSE, AS WELL AS THE METAPHORICAL JOKE THAT CAN BE TIED TO THE MERCILESS ABUSE OF A DECEASED EQUINE BEATING.
SO I TRIED RUNNING AROUND EACH NIGHT AND IT SEEMS I KEEP INTERFERING WITH THE BUSINESS OF THE KILLERS. THE FIRST NIGHT WAS THE MURDEROUS CAFFEINATED LEAF BEVERAGE WITH THE GENERIC MALE SIR. THE MALE SIR DIED, AND I PRESUME SOMEONE TRIED TO DRINK THE LEAF DRINK. BY KILLING IT DEAD. AND THEN THE NEXT NIGHT, I DROVE THE BEAR-WRESTLING DEMON (YEAH, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS MY LIFE) WITH THE EXPLODING NUCLEAR FUCKING WEASEL.
WHAT IS LIFE.
REGARDLESS I AM TRYING TO STAY OUT OF THE HAIR OF THE INNOCENTS BUT APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT LIKED??? GUESS I HAVE TO BE MORE RATIONAL. I SWEAR IT'S THE FUCKING CIRCUS IT UNNERVES ME.
HUFF.
...okay wow that's tiring
anyways i am attempting to sort out this mess as our heads my head has been rather confounded by the circus pursuing us
anyways to summarize the current state of affairs:
- we are town busdrivers, and yes we have driven tea/guy and anacreon/schazer. we were making choices to try and avoid creating more clusterfuck
- WE ARE BEING PURSUED BY A FUCKING CIRCUS EVERYBODY RUN
- we have not paid much heed to seriousness and we will work to improve that
- we are going to try and be more proactive and amusing, rather than a mechanical entity that proves to be quite the sleeper
MAN FUCK THE BROWN TEXT GUY. HE'S ANNOYING.
AND NOW I PLAY A ROCK SOLO.
DANANANANABANANABANANANANA BOW WOW WOW WOW WOAWW BWEEEEEEEEEEEEE
~PEACE~
![[Image: c48AoKl.png?1]](https://i.imgur.com/c48AoKl.png?1)